green-eyed monster.

your questions WILL be answered…very soon, i promise. if you still have one, and want to submit it, go for it! i also have some awesome ones from my students…but in the meantime, please let me vent.

i don’t know if you know this about me, but i have a tiny jealous streak.

and by tiny, i mean the crazy teenage girl in me, that i genuinely try to pretend doesn’t exist beneath this polished, mature exterior (excuse me while i silently chortle at the ridiculousness of that idea), tends to come out in all her alternating hair-pulling/super passive-aggressive glory when certain things push my buttons.

really, i only get jealous in a few situations.

1. when i think that i am being replaced or am about to be replaced by someone seemingly cooler/cuter/smarter/more amazing than me.

and…

…well, yeah, i guess that’s just about it.

today i realized–and this may not seem like a grand revelation to you, but, hey, don’t hate on my epiphanies, all right?–that the reason for this is because, in those moments, i must not really know myself. because if i really knew myself, i would know that i am irreplaceable. not in the beyonce song and distinctly negative way, but in the sense that nobody else can do what i do, nobody else can be who i am, and nobody else will have the effect that i will.

(and, yes, i got jealous today. briefly. hence the blog.)

i am disturbed by the attitude i have had all this week, quite honestly. the jealousy’s just a part of it. the week’s been full of petty, mundane annoyances, my reactions to which can only be the result of a perspective that is completely skewed.

it’s like the crazy has come out to play and instead of saying a brief hello like i usually try to do and then shoving her back into the pink and purple sparkle box she’s stored in (come on…every teenage girl likes pink and purple sparkles, right?!), i’ve been feeding her cookies and telling her jokes and fetching her fluffy pink princess pillows and making her life ever-so-comfortable here that why on earth would she go back without a fight?

i’ve been walking around in a funk, angry at the world and its assorted injustices, which were apparently handpicked only for me, and saying that i want to punch people in the face. it’s annoying. i’m sick to death of me. i can’t imagine how anyone around me feels.

(my guess, if i had to venture one? sick to DEATH of me.)

i was talking to a friend of mine yesterday–no accident, if you ask me–who can read on my face everything that’s going on in my head and basically forces me to tell him what’s going on in my world. i hate it. and i don’t. but it always comes at a time when i need it.

i was talking to him about something that i was worried about, something that i have absolutely no control over whatsoever, and he told me to go running when i’m trying to figure out stuff that i just can’t figure out.

hmm.

it seems a simplistic, very male answer (no offense to you men–i like your thinking most of the time precisely because it’s not teenage-girl pink sparkle crazy…). it just seems like it wouldn’t solve anything.

but, see, that’s the reason why i love it. that is exactly the point.

i have a lot of stuff in my life right now that i just can’t solve. i’m just not powerful enough to answer all of the questions that i have. i’m not smart enough to make sense of the nonsensical. i’m not creative enough to take the big pile of clay that i have here that seems to make nothing at all and mold it into what i want it to ultimately be. i’m having trouble seeing the bigger picture right now.

not on my own. I can’t do that any of this at all.

all i can do is what i can do. that seems really simplistic but let me say that again. all i can do is what i can do. that’s why i like my friend’s answer so much. it’s all about embracing the things that you actually can do, losing yourself in that, and leaving the rest up to Someone much more powerful, infinitely wise, and so much more loving than me.

so today i’ll grade some papers and be glad that i have the opportunity to do the thing that i love to do even as i’m doing the thing that i like least about it because i will actually be doing something. and instead of chastising myself for not doing more, i’ll look joyfully at what i have accomplished.

today i’ll work in the tutoring center and look at it as an opportunity to help some people who want help rather than just another way to earn money for twizzlers.

today i’ll go to the gym and work hard. and i might think about things that are bothering me while i do. but maybe i won’t. maybe instead i’ll think about how amazing it is that i am moving instead of sitting around being cheesed off at the world.

and maybe i’ll ask that Someone to just take the rest away.

because He’s the only one who can.

4 Responses to “green-eyed monster.”

  1. aw lady, im sorry you’re having a rough week. i think that you have a good rational standpoint on it all though. it really is only worth our energy to focus on things that we have control over. the rest? we need to have faith that it will all have a way of working out and falling into place, as it should, on it’s own.

    hang in there. *hugs*

  2. I followed some links and found your blog. I’m glad I did and identify with a lot you wrote. What do you teach?

  3. bravo on the entry.

  4. You’re such a great writer.

    Sometimes all we can do is just go about our day the best we can. When we try to be something or someone we’re not … well that’s when the issues and self-doubt start to arise.

    I think you’ve got it right.

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