memo to facebook friends.

to the various parties to whom this is directed:

issue one: i don’t understand why you won’t just put up a picture of yourself. i mean, i do…but really? there’s not one picture of you that you just love enough to own?  come on.  we all do those photo shoots of ourselves.  sometimes they’re total disasters. sometimes, unexpectedly, one turns out to capture us just right. it’s better, really, if you put up a picture of yourself. own who you are.  sometimes it’s hard. believe me, you know i know this is true. but it’s better. don’t wait until you have the perfect hair or the perfect posture. or do.  but if you don’t love you now…i worry.

issue two: the dramatic status updates? nobody wants to see them.  it’s fun when you’re excited or happy to share in a status update. if something crazy happens to you, that’s cool. inside joke? good times.  but the dramatic, angsty declaration? that you’re done…finally…with your significant other (especially when that happens ALL of the time)? that you are desperate to find love? that you don’t understand why life is so hard?

you’re allowed…like…one of those per three month period. if every single status update is angsty, i pretty much just want you to stop talking.  it’s not that i’m not sympathetic–believe me, i am–but it’s the equivalent of whining in a giant room full of people at the top of your lungs. it seems like a huge cry for attention more than anything else, even if you don’t mean it to be.  so please stop it.  my hip is strained and hurts like a big dog.  i’m cheesed off that i couldn’t walk the five miles i wanted to today. i had to restrain myself from whining about it in my status update.  i did it.  so can you.

also…stop cussing. it’s just tacky.

issue three: if you change your profile picture/relationship status EVERY SINGLE DAY, nobody believes you and everybody wants to smack you a little bit.  choose a picture.  you can change it.  that’s okay.  i change mine periodically, especially if there’s a new picture that i like better or the hair color changes (because everybody knows that you have to have a picture that actually matches how you look now…for better or worse or whatever).  but really? when you just can’t make up your dang mind, it makes me question your ability to commit to anyone or how well your ADD medication is working or whether or not you do in fact know that there are other things to do on the internets besides change your facebook profile picture.  try pogo games.  i suggest bingo luau. you’ll feel 80 but you’ll find yourself oddly compelled in short order.

or read cnn. something. anything.  just stop it.

issue four: i don’t want to buy you as a pet, throw a snowball at you, make you a knight in my makebelieve facebook application kingdom, or predict when i’ll get married (not soon enough)/die/become a disney princess/cure cancer/whateverstupidcrapapplicationthingyou’vesentme.  please stop.  you know, when they say that you HAVE to send those invitations, you actually don’t HAVE to send them. or you don’t HAVE to send them to everyone.  or you don’t HAVE to send them to the SAME FIVE PEOPLE WHO HAPPEN TO BE AT THE TOP OF YOUR FACEBOOK FRIENDS LIST.

issue five: you don’t have to upload ALL of the pictures you take on a random adventure.  adventure pictures are good. adventure pictures that don’t make any sense to anyone but the people who accompanied you on the adventure are also good.  but editing is key to life.  you edit what you say. you edit what you wear.  you edit what you turn into a professor. please edit the pictures you put up.

and please caption them. context is key.  especially when the pictures are…less than flattering.

many thanks.  that is all.

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2 Responses to “memo to facebook friends.”

  1. I kinda felt bad for the hundred billion Sydney pictures now . . . but I just couldn’t decide!

  2. that was NOT even remotely directed at you. none of those were. i promise! i loved seeing your sydney pictures! and you captioned…HOORAY!

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