gridlock.

i have been nothing if not completely obnoxious on this blog lately. complaining whining all woe is me.  i’m sorry. i apologize.  however, that is not going to change right now because if i don’t say something about this i might scream.

i have somehow strained my back or hip.  i have been on the treadmill every single day since i got here except sunday (and yesterday, because of this) going very fast (faster than i have been walking before) and for prolonged periods of time and i have been excited about it.  i don’t love the treadmill in any way at all, but i was looking forward to doing something different to try to kickstart and round out my training for the 5K. i don’t want to talk about the fact that i can’t run on the treadmill.  i just don’t want to talk about it.

(and yes i am coming to realize that walking/running on the treadmill is much more awkward and strange than walking/running in real life, but real life isn’t accompanied by air conditioning and a stereo system. but i get it–and thank you to those of you runners who have told me that.)

i got on the treadmill yesterday determined to walk five miles, the longest that i would have done since i’d been home, and something was REALLY wrong with my hip.  when i tried to get up above about 2 mph, it just screamed at me.  i got off, obviously, even though i tried to power through thinking that maybe it would work itself out, but it wasn’t the kind of twingy pain that can be worked out.  it was the kind that basically said “hey. listen. either get off or get ready to really yell.”

so i got off.

and i took advil and tried to elevate it or whatever my feeble mind thought to do.  i prayed that it would get better. that might seem lame to you, but it matters a lot to me.

see, i’m finally FINALLY finally in this routine where i exercise more than i don’t.  i had gotten accustomed to doing massive amounts of cardio before i came home, and i wanted to keep that trend going for lots of reasons–for the purpose of weight loss, of course, but also just because it’s good for me and it makes me feel better and like i’ve done something of worth all day even when i probably haven’t done anything else that’s worthwhile.

and also because i have this terrible habit of starting things and not finishing them.

so, i tried again today.  and i walked, like a grandma, at like 2.5 mph and an incline for like 10 minutes before it started screaming at me again.

and i feel pathetic.  like my body is turning against me.

the reality is that i need new shoes really badly.  and i’m sleeping on a futon that kills my back anyways.  usually by the time i go home from visiting mom, i am in moderate back pain most all of the day.  and i didn’t do any, you know, gradual warm up to this punishing schedule i’ve had on the treadmill. i just sort of thought that i’d be able to do it without any trouble because say eight weeks ago, i was walking on the treadmill three times a week at not nearly as fast or as aggressive a pace and yeah i’m ridiculous.

so there are lots of legitimate reasons why this is happening.  it’s fairly easy to explain.

but how i FEEL?

is pathetic.  and like the one time i manage to get my crap together, something, anything, everything conspires against me to teach me patience and to let go.

and right now i’m not letting go very much.

what ticks me off more is feeling like nobody really understands.  like everybody is sort of looking at me like “really? you’re upset because you’ve been off the treadmill for two days? really?”

probably like you are right now.

yeah.

thanks for listening.  i’ll buy shoes tomorrow and try it again.  i guess the fact that i’m this annoyed by teh whole situation and that i refuse to give up is something, right?

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