the starting line and no i don’t mean the band.

i’ve never raced.

i mean raced with my feet.

i mean raced with my feet when i was old enough to actually remember said race. i seem to have vague, fuzzy memories of chasing a boy around and him chasing me around on some bygone elementary school playground.  fashionista that i was seem to also remember being concerned that i was getting sweaty.  ha.  i just remembered that.  funny how nothing changes.

but i can only imagine that, just before a race, you begin to get anxious.  you start thinking about all that’s in front of you, all that you have to accomplish to finish this thing that you’ve been training and practicing and working for for so long.  you, i would think, begin to question whether or not you can do it.  you begin to wonder if those hurdles, perceived or real, before you can actually be overtaken.  can you jump them without losing your stride? can you manage to make it to the finish line before you collapse?  can you enjoy, even a little bit, the journey between here and there?  can you keep your focus on your feet, your form, your breathing instead of on that everelusive finish that really is farther away than you think?

i feel that way about a lot of things right now.

i feel like i’m about to start a race to the finish.

i’m sort of scared.  and i’m sort of excited.  on some days, i am completely sure of myself and where i stand with everything and other days, like today, i feel like i’m milling around a start line just waiting for somebody to pull the trigger. but i’m not entirely ready for that because i don’t think i’m ready for it.  some days, like today, i’m not sure i can do everything that i have committed myself to do.  some days, like today, i ignore the evidence to the contrary and everyone around me who tells me that i can and instead listen to that conniving but utterly insistent voice that tells me that i can’t.

with or without me, though, the race begins on monday.

i suppose i should start warming up, huh?

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One Response to “the starting line and no i don’t mean the band.”

  1. i often feel the exact same way. i just don’t know if i can take the first step…even with everyone around me cheering. but i always do, and it always turns out ok. =)

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