out of step.

i didn’t used to think that i was a routine person.   i come from a long line of routine-ers, though.  my mom would be happy to eat the same thing every day.  my grandma had methods to her madness that helped her get through whatever trials that she had.  i remember, specifically, her routine for taking rent checks when she and my grandfather were working as apartment managers. she used to let me help her, but there was a specific way to do things that i had to follow.

i understand it, now.  routine creates order and order banishes the chaos inherent in life.  but routine is also comfortable, well-worn, like the best part of jeans.  or sometimes it’s like that pair of jeans that has seen better days, the ones with holes in places that shouldn’t have holes and a butt that sags just too much to really be considered acceptable.

i find myself lately trying to establish a new routine, necessitated by the beginning of summer classes and new responsibility, but also a result of changes that i’m trying to incorporate into my life.  i would like my routine to be settled, to be comfortable, to be worn in.  but instead it feels, ironically perhaps or perhaps not at all, just like my new pink running shoes–rubbing at places that are tender, making me keenly aware that it’s not yet familiar, not yet integrated, fitting but not completely.  i have to think very hard, make decisions all of the time. every step is deliberate, every motion consciously made.  and sometimes, those motions lead to pain or stress.  sometimes, they lead to euphoria and excitement.

but i get impatient, waiting for the new shoes to finally fit perfectly.  time passes so slowly in this breaking-in phase, like every single minute is weighted with some sort of importance.  like i will never feel at ease for all this weighty importance i carry around.  i think back with a nostalgic fondness to the old routine, and wonder if i could abandon these new, fresh, rubbing-on-my-heel ideas, routines, and habits for the familiar.

it doesn’t take me long, though, to realize that i’ve grown out of those.  they’re broken down, worn out for a reason.  these are new, full of bright possibility and incredible growth, and i’m meant to be in them.  the fact that i don’t really fit in the others, either, makes me excited, makes me think that maybe i’ve grown far more than i think that i have.

but the blisters, band-aids, and sore muscles–literal and figurative–are exhausting.

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One Response to “out of step.”

  1. brookem Says:

    i HEAR you. the familiar is where it’s safe. stepping out into the new, the unknown, CHANGE, is where we grow (or at least, i should say, where i grow). everyone has different experiences with this though. a friend of mine? will stick with the same routine forever. avoiding change at all costs. me on the other hand, i seek out change and trying to shake things up a bit. i NEED that in my life. some need consistency.

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