Archive for July, 2008

i have penciled you in.

Posted in blogging, etcetera, going quietly mad, i am not a gym rat, i promise you that you won't care, me, School, the internets, the joys of living in Florida on July 21, 2008 by drbolte

my schedule says, after some tweaking, that between now and 6:30, i have chill time. i deserve it, having spent 80 minutes walking at the stadium with purpose. i am hoping chill time will include a power nap through some law and order.

my schedule rules my world.

it is made in pencil–to allow for unforeseen tweaking based on traffic, talkative investigators at missionary lessons, student concerns, or dishes that must be done–and it is the only thing that may or may not keep me sane through the next few weeks, when balancing all that needs to be done is as exhausting as everything that needs to be done.

but enough about that, except that i am proud of my schedule because it is me taking control.

but in the quick short time i have to update you on life, i only have energy and minutes for bullet points. forgive, please?

  • unexpected knock at the door last night. thank heavens i looked fairly decent. boy at the door. boy who is interested at the door. boy who i thought i was done with at the door. unexpectedly: chemistry present. i don’t know.
  • i go to get the mail today. there’s nothing in the mail. color me frustrated and annoyed. FRUSTRATED. and ANNOYED. but then wait. there IS something in the mail. from malaysia. from the ex. ugh. WHYYYYYY?!?
  • running stadium trio: listen. i know you’re all cute. and you’re all in rhythm. it’s adorable. but you have the entire width of the walkway to move. all i’ve got is this row of SEATS right here. you’re running. i’m walking. if i could move, i would. i can’t. so how about YOU move and stop acting like you own the joint? oh wait. too hard for you? fine. i’ll twist myself into a pretzel for you. super. no problem.
  • class: please gain reading comprehension. please?!?
  • 39 days to Gator football. i’m way excited.
  • about thirty five seconds after i last posted, i discovered the largest bug known to humanity on the bookshelf next to my desk. mortal combat ensued, between me and the bug and between me and paralyzing revulsion. this combat featured one scene with me, slowly turning in the absolute middle of my room with two bottles of cleaner in my hands like weapons, drawn and ready to fire. it was hilarious. horrifying and hilarious. where’s george clooney and a flamethrower when you need them?
  • i may or may not have just lost the will to live since i am typing, sitting on the floor with my laptop on my bed and my head laying on the bed. hard to picture probably, but most assuredly pathetic.

it’s all worth it, right? sometimes i wonder.

OOH. i get to eat guacamole tonight. the little things are going to see me through. mechanical pencils with good erasers and fun designs. organic guacamole. strawberries. being able to do something nice for someone else. people taking an interest in me when they don’t have to. did i mention guacamole?

and that ends the wandering ramble through my world.

unexpected fruits of weekend insomnia.

Posted in etcetera on July 20, 2008 by drbolte

i wrote a blog post almost a year ago with a song i wrote. at the time, it was only two verses and i knew that it needed more. i was reading over some stuff in my “personal” folder on the desktop, mainly looking for something specific but stumbled into the file with that song in it.

and you could have knocked me over when i realized that i had written more. and it’s strangely good.

how do i bridge the distance between hope and what’s real,
between our life and what might come to be?
the words are all gone, all i have is this wish
that’s actually beginning to scare me.

that question, it haunts me like your smile often does
because nothing feels realer than that
my heart says my mission in life is to love you
and your arms are my safe harbor at last.

i apparently wrote it just before christmas and then went about my business like it didn’t matter. finding it again felt a little like christmas and reminded me that maybe i have something to say after all.

(not in songs though. i am not cut out for lyrics.)

c, part three: cracks.

Posted in c, etcetera, Life, me, mirror mirror on the wall on July 18, 2008 by drbolte

want to catch up? read part one and part two.

there’s something magic about the number thirty.

i’d lost about that many pounds before people started noticing. i don’t know what it is about that number, but every other time i’d lost before, it was thirty when the comments started.

you know this scenario. it happens when you get a new haircut that’s different but not dramatically different or when you change the color. people look at you, trying to put the pieces together. it’s a familiar feeling for all of us.

mystical number thirty was also, every other time, when i’d stop despite having more thirties to tackle.

when i kept going, the comments changed to silence or questions without a real middle ground. from those in my same boat, i’d get serious questions, usually in a whispered conversation in a random hallway, about what i was doing and how i was doing it. they were always asked in a sort of awe-filled tone, as if i was had the potential, in that moment, to become their personal oracle. while flattering, i still find it a bit disingenuous to wax philosophical on a topic that i am far from an expert on. i am uncomfortable by these questions but also kind of an attention slut about it. it’s a strange duality for me.

everyone else seemed to grow silent. i like the silence. i respect the silence. still do. quite a lot, actually.

because accompanying the silence came a lot of measurable changes that i didn’t think to notice at the time, really, but now looking back i see as all wrapped up in the process. one day i woke up and decided that i was going to make of my life what i wanted. i don’t know if i got increasingly tired of waiting for life to happen to me or if i got bit by some kind of spunky bug, but i was done with sitting around.

i showed up for stuff that i avoided before. i made plans with people. i hung out, i talked, i played, i adventured. i flirted with people i never would have before. i asked guys out.

i was a different me.

that began to be what people started to notice more than anything. i had, in pretty short order, gone from being a person people sort of knew of to a person that people knew well. i was everywhere.

i was good with that.

i’d like to think that i was always the person that i am now. i’d like to think that being a few sizes smaller and pounds lighter didn’t make me better. i think that’s true. i think i always was this person, somewhere down deep.

that’s what i’d like to focus on–that somewhere down deep.

lots of people talk about their size as something that wrapped them up tight, that kept them protected from the world. i don’t like that idea. i want to believe that you can be who you are regardless of what you look like. i do believe that.

i hesitate to use a deeply cheesy metaphor, but it’s the best one i can think of. that magical, mystical number thirty began the cracking of my cocoon. i wasn’t suffocated in my size; i was growing in it, no pun intended. i concentrated on a lot of things while i was there: my intelligence, my spirituality, my relationship with my family, my professional life, my goals, my sense of resilience, my heart.

but slowly, as i shed more of me, i felt other things starting to emerge.

my sassy sense of humor.

my crazy good flirting ability.

my innate ability to befriend others and really see them. perhaps that’s born of years of not really seeing myself. what a blessing if it is. i’d do it all again if it means i could see people the way i can.

my passion for adventure, especially the ones that i create on my own.

an oddly deceptive (but sometimes true) sense of breezy confidence.

my strength.

my commitment and endurance. i don’t think i ever knew that i could stick with something before. not something i really had the potential to suck at completely.

my fierceness. i say what i think when i think it now.

my loyalty.

my big giant heart and how it loves completely. how i fall hard and fast. how i’m learning to not apologize for that.

my beauty…and my belief and recognition of it. (still learning this one.)

i cracked open, which sounds creepy and bad horror movie-like, but it’s true. being smaller has made me a bigger person.

how weird is that?

tales from just a smidge above the poverty line.

Posted in domestic goddess, ghetto life, shopping, someday I'll be a real middle class girl on July 18, 2008 by drbolte

you know that you are a poor grad student when, on payday (FINALLY! summers are beastly), you go grocery shopping and the following occurs:

  • purchasing more than one genre of fruit.  you want strawberries? go girl.  bananas?  yep.  WHAT? APPLES TOO? it’s like christmas in july.
  • prepackaged stirfry vegetables are in your cart.  who is going Asian tonight?  this girl.  right here.
  • splurge…on diet caffeine free dr. pepper.  and, yes, it feels like a big treat.
  • protein powder.  FINALLY!
  • the piece de resistance: buy a redbook.
  • in sum: more than three bags.

you know that you have definitely improved your out-of-control spending ways when, during same shopping trip, you had the following internal conversations or experiences:

  • “romaine or BOGO dole salads?  dole salads = no work. flip, the lettuce is TWO DOLLARS LESS! hello big fluffy romaine goodness.”
  • “ooh. strawberries.  they’re on sale.  SCORE!  but wait…the big one is $4.99 and the little ones are two for $5.  i get to buy the big one!  and not feel guilty!”
  • instead of just buying the big yellow onion, you bought the tray of tiny little mutant yellow onions for $.79 because it was cheaper.  the bonus of not having to deal with extra onion when you’re cooking for one and those big onions are like GINORMOUS was a factor, but let’s be real.  it was because it was $.79.
  • when looking at the toothpaste, you are immediately drawn to the one with the free toothbrush. you vacillate, because there’s some crest on sale.  but they don’t have the crest you like, so you’re paying full price anyways.  so…you immediately choose the one with the free toothbrush.  who doesn’t love a free thing that you already need?
  • despite not wanting to spend the time separating the creepy gross raw pork chops into individual bags, you could not resist the sale.  it was like a dollar a pork chop.  it was like an awesome deal.  so you did it anyways. almost against your will.
  • buying the big milk makes you feel like a big spender.  you have to convince yourself that the new use of milk in protein shakes would warrant such a purchase and that it’s better to have it than to not.  and besides…it doesn’t expire until august.
  • you have to restrain yourself from snatching the redbook off of the belt after you put it there, telling yourself “you can actually afford $3.50 for a magazine.  i know. it’s okay.  it’s got good stuff in there.  and yeah, there’s some stuff that’s lame.  but you’ll like it. and you’ll read it over and over again.” and even then? not convinced.
  • you calculate, in your head, in about 30 seconds, how much you spent. and you were right, within $.75 cents.  stupid onions.

if then.

Posted in dissertation, going quietly mad, perfect brightness of hope, teaching on July 17, 2008 by drbolte

if on a random thursday, you walk into your class and check your email because you have ten minutes before it starts and you’d rather not just stare off into the distance like an idiot, and you find out from facebook that the girl who has been home from her mission for like ten minutes is marrying the hot younger brother of a formerly close friend (no drama there…just distance and life getting in the way), you might accidentally go WHAT THE HECK! sort of loud.

that might be sort of awkward.

and if in the course of that same class, you realize that you are in fact smart about poetry and you suddenly flash back, in the midst of said class, to the days when you were like your students, all intimidated by Percy Shelley and glazed eyed and unable to make heads or tails of even the simplest of sonnets because IT! WAS! POETRY!, then you might realize just how far you’ve come.

that might be sort of awesome.

and if you are sincerely trying to be less selfish by trying NOT to burden the people who love you most with things that they can’t do anything about and that will probably be resolved soon anyways (namely my increasing degree of frustration at being unable to get this novel finished and catapult me into writing again) and decide to write something different than the two pages of ranting because, if i’ve learned nothing else, it’s that it’s always darkest before the brilliant dawn of dissertation inspiration, then you might not be entirely failing at life.

that might be sort of hopeful.

and the result is anger and tears.

Posted in going quietly mad, wordless wednesday on July 16, 2008 by drbolte


Posted in Uncategorized on July 15, 2008 by drbolte

so, today, even though she’s having the roughest week ever, Lindz sucked it up and came up with positive things to say on her blog as she made the very valid point that sometimes hearing about other people’s burdens sucks when you’re already struggling to play the miss mary sunshine card.

so, instead of ranting and raving about how i’m growing increasingly stressed out, i am following the leader and doing the same thing.  but different.

so…things i’ve loved about this week so far:

it started with me seeing a couple of people that i haven’t seen in about a year that i totally love, and it was just like old times…chatting and laughing and being silly silly. i love that.

i spent 62 minutes on the elliptical.  that ties my record.

novels instead of poetry in my class.  even though it’s more work, it elicits more conversation and that’s good.

the closer marathon and premiere.  i’m easy to please sometimes.

my shorts are too big. got called “super skinny.”  have demonstrably larger/defined quads.  in short: RESULTS!

i downloaded ne-yo’s closer. love that dang song.  love that man. did you know that he wrote “take a bow” for rihanna? frickin’ good song, too. that might be next.

i got all of my grading done about a half an hour ago.  i might actually be in bed by midnight.  that pleases me muchly.

i straightironed my hair on sunday for the first time since i got the new cut and it looked supersassy and cute.  if the humidity would just WORK with me, i could do it more often.

i am halfway through the summer b semester.  this is both horrifying and exciting to me

things i’m looking forward to the rest of this week:

good mail coming from home.

so you think you can dance!  (remember: easily pleased.)

a weekend of hard work on the dissertation. i’m about two hundred pages away from sweet freedom from primary text purgatory and a kickstart into writing again. i’m frightened and thrilled by this prospect.  it may or may not occur in a house all to myself.  that could be very exciting.

my roommate’s birthday! i have gift ideas that i will not disclose until after said purchase because she reads (hi saf! happy early birthday!) but i get to bake.  i’m so excited.

i get to go to institute.  i am lucky and blessed to have that opportunity.

swimming tomorrow.  exciting.  walking/running/maybe stairs in the stadium on thursday.  we’ll see how it goes.

the prospect of, sometime, actually, maybe, honestly sticking to my time/study/work schedule and not falling farther behind.

what have you been blessed with this week? what are you looking forward to?