of hummus, microtears, and displacement.

it’s 3:04 p.m. and i haven’t eaten lunch yet. i ate breakfast at 11, so this makes some sense, but i need to eat. and yet, because i am actually being productive and am starting to be massively sore from my past two days of working out, i really don’t want to move.

but i want some hummus, so it’s going to happen. also, if i wait to eat anymore, i’m going to have to find a way to eat 1400 calories in one meal. and that’s just gross.

i started a new strength training program today, and let me tell you what. i have two muscles–maybe three–in my body that aren’t just little whiny wimpy children. those muscles are my quads, worked into submission and strength by my cardio insanity over the course of most of the summer or at least over the past two months, and my biceps, which i guess i must use a lot in the course of my days because i really can carry seriously heavy loads without much pain. but the rest?

wimpy whiny pasty faced children crying for their mama.

i tried to do lateral raises with five pound weights in each hand. i barely got through 25. i know. you can laugh at me. i was similarly disgusted. and overhead presses? yeah. i got through a few more of those. but surprisingly, i’m excited about it. i’m going to be working REALLY hard over the next…say…three months so that i can get where i want to get by the time i want to get there. i’m excited to have the motivation to do it. i’d sort of lost it there last week.

also, although i know you really don’t care but this is my world and so i make the rules, i am working on being able to do all of the stadium stairs–not run, people…please…i mean just climb them at a brisk pace without stopping–without my heart exploding. i did about…33% of them yesterday.

and right now?

my legs are talking to me about them. stairs and those crazy ramps they have at the stadium which are like 25% incline. nutso. but actually lots of fun.

except when you have to walk past some sort of ROTC introductory hazing/humiliation exercise…not so much fun.

and also, what’s not so fun is that you have to rest after you just get started. hurry up and wait. man it sucks. i get all excited and motivated, and then i have to wait to do those exercises again so that my whole body doesn’t stage a massive revolt against me by, say, taking away my ability to be upright and mobile.

sometimes, i would like to not have to wait for things. that would be super fun. have you ever noticed how life is just one big juggling game? you start one thing, can’t finish it, toss it up in the air, and then catch and deal with something else that’s now pressing.

hmph.

and finally, in this crazy post of nothingness that describes almost everything that’s on my mind at this moment…you know you’re displacing something when you find yourself waxing nostalgic about an ex, visiting his facebook page, and remembering not the drama, angst, anger, immaturity, and did i mention THE DRAMA, but only good, fun times. i caught myself doing it and couldn’t believe it. what is WRONG with me?

but now as i’m actually thinking about it, i guess when you’re worried about the future, the past is quite a safe place to visit.

and boy is my future scary, what with plane tickets for conferences to buy and plans for suit shopping with mom in a couple of months for job interviews and chapters that are going (knock wood!) quite well and the ideas that are coming (which is just the biggest blessing EVER and i do recognize that) and realizing that it’s your last year in the place where you have, for all intents and purposes, grown up and become yourself.

yeah. that nonsense is now suddenly making a whole lot more sense.

now i’m hungry.

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