Archive for August, 2008

five for friday.

Posted in oh so very random on August 22, 2008 by drbolte

smashed my right ring finger in the gym door this morning.

(good morning to me.)

couldn’t for the life of me remember whether it was thursday or friday after i got home.

(i remembered. don’t worry.  but that’s fellowship life for you, i guess.)

the eye of tropical storm fay went over gainesville…and i slept through it.

(that’s…good, i guess?)

i think i’ve eaten enough peanut butter in the past five days to feed a small summer camp worth of five year olds.

(i don’t understand it either, except that i haven’t been to the grocery store in about two weeks and it has protein and i don’t know.)

i can’t wait to go to publix. i miss real fruit.

(cantaloupe. strawberries. bananas.  i just…love them.  also, i need FOOD.)

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hm.

Posted in dissertation, going quietly mad, sigh on August 21, 2008 by drbolte

i have tried to write something substantive several times now.  all i can come up with is drivel.

mainly because what i should be writing is my first draft of my gothic chapter.

but i’m scared.

because what if i get there to write and there’s nothing left? all of these ideas lead to…nothing?  the past two chapters i had something to go on, something to be my foundation. this is the first one that i’ve written from scratch.

yeah.

so instead i’m here, manically checking my email and facebook, polishing the outline for the draft, and considering taking tylenol for the butt-kicking that my strength training has given me (literally…my butt muscles HURT) and laying down because it feels like someone has sucked the energy right out of me.

but really, i’m just avoiding trying to write. don’t think i’m unaware of this fact.  or the fact that i have a self-imposed deadline of saturday night. please don’t think that i won’t make it either.  this is what i do–push my back up against the proverbial wall until i HAVE to write no matter what.

but this time? the fear is unique.

sigh.

i really wish someone had told me that the dissertation process would exorcise every psychological demon present in me.  that would have been good to know.

if not for Fay…

Posted in the joys of living in Florida, wordless wednesday on August 20, 2008 by drbolte
...but that's okay, because now i get to work on my dissertation in my pajamas.  woot.

...but that's okay. now i get to work on my dissertation in my pajamas. woot.

memo to myself.

Posted in going quietly mad, grrrrr. on August 19, 2008 by drbolte

the next time you get the brilliant idea that you should be the football block coordinator, thinking that it will be no big deal, no stress, and an easy way to help out…

…smack yourself repeatedly in the head and get a clue.

NEVER. AGAIN.

goodness.

of hummus, microtears, and displacement.

Posted in dissertation, drama drama drama, i am not a gym rat, me, oh so very random, sigh on August 19, 2008 by drbolte

it’s 3:04 p.m. and i haven’t eaten lunch yet. i ate breakfast at 11, so this makes some sense, but i need to eat. and yet, because i am actually being productive and am starting to be massively sore from my past two days of working out, i really don’t want to move.

but i want some hummus, so it’s going to happen. also, if i wait to eat anymore, i’m going to have to find a way to eat 1400 calories in one meal. and that’s just gross.

i started a new strength training program today, and let me tell you what. i have two muscles–maybe three–in my body that aren’t just little whiny wimpy children. those muscles are my quads, worked into submission and strength by my cardio insanity over the course of most of the summer or at least over the past two months, and my biceps, which i guess i must use a lot in the course of my days because i really can carry seriously heavy loads without much pain. but the rest?

wimpy whiny pasty faced children crying for their mama.

i tried to do lateral raises with five pound weights in each hand. i barely got through 25. i know. you can laugh at me. i was similarly disgusted. and overhead presses? yeah. i got through a few more of those. but surprisingly, i’m excited about it. i’m going to be working REALLY hard over the next…say…three months so that i can get where i want to get by the time i want to get there. i’m excited to have the motivation to do it. i’d sort of lost it there last week.

also, although i know you really don’t care but this is my world and so i make the rules, i am working on being able to do all of the stadium stairs–not run, people…please…i mean just climb them at a brisk pace without stopping–without my heart exploding. i did about…33% of them yesterday.

and right now?

my legs are talking to me about them. stairs and those crazy ramps they have at the stadium which are like 25% incline. nutso. but actually lots of fun.

except when you have to walk past some sort of ROTC introductory hazing/humiliation exercise…not so much fun.

and also, what’s not so fun is that you have to rest after you just get started. hurry up and wait. man it sucks. i get all excited and motivated, and then i have to wait to do those exercises again so that my whole body doesn’t stage a massive revolt against me by, say, taking away my ability to be upright and mobile.

sometimes, i would like to not have to wait for things. that would be super fun. have you ever noticed how life is just one big juggling game? you start one thing, can’t finish it, toss it up in the air, and then catch and deal with something else that’s now pressing.

hmph.

and finally, in this crazy post of nothingness that describes almost everything that’s on my mind at this moment…you know you’re displacing something when you find yourself waxing nostalgic about an ex, visiting his facebook page, and remembering not the drama, angst, anger, immaturity, and did i mention THE DRAMA, but only good, fun times. i caught myself doing it and couldn’t believe it. what is WRONG with me?

but now as i’m actually thinking about it, i guess when you’re worried about the future, the past is quite a safe place to visit.

and boy is my future scary, what with plane tickets for conferences to buy and plans for suit shopping with mom in a couple of months for job interviews and chapters that are going (knock wood!) quite well and the ideas that are coming (which is just the biggest blessing EVER and i do recognize that) and realizing that it’s your last year in the place where you have, for all intents and purposes, grown up and become yourself.

yeah. that nonsense is now suddenly making a whole lot more sense.

now i’m hungry.

signs.

Posted in gators, the joys of living in Florida on August 18, 2008 by drbolte

parades of undergrad girls in wedges or heels, followed by older girls in absurd hats going from house to house on 13th street.

norman field awash in brass and drums for marching band practice.

walmart populated by clumps of dormmates ooing and ahhing over rubbermaid storage solutions.

mowers on the new stadium turf, the smell of new paint in stadium concourses, and powersprayers working overtime to make even dull concrete gleam.

orientation parking signs.

a hurricane threatening just off the coast.

it’s fall.  i can’t believe it.  it’s fall.  my last fall semester.

i don’t know how to feel.

funhouse.

Posted in huh?, mirror mirror on the wall, The Single Life on August 16, 2008 by drbolte

once upon a time, when i was about 16, i went to a halloween haunted house. just across the street from the junior college in my town, there was an abandoned storefront that an organization took over every year and turned into an event called, if i remember correctly, “scream in the dark.” it was legendary in my town and, finally, that year i went with my friends.

it was so popular that we had to wait, in line, for about an hour to get in. we stuck together, through the thrills and squeals and surprised starts. it was seriously fun.

at the end of the whole thing, we got separated. i distinctly remember this moment, because it was embarrassing, as you will see, but also because it seems, perhaps only now as i think back about it in a new context, like a metaphor for how i operate.

(a day when i won’t find a metaphor in my experience is probably the day that i embrace geometry as my life’s work, but that’s neither here nor there.)

the last room was completely dark, the only light coming from glow-in-the-dark paint and a stream of light from the exit door. the only purpose of this room was to get you to the exit. that’s important to know. the exit door was on the left of the last wall, the glow-in-the-dark paint creating a walkway into the wall to the right. can you picture this? the walkway was a diversion, a distraction.

i fell for it. i followed the walkway, doubting the instinct/common sense/little voice that told me that the exit was, hello, where the light was, instead trusting the rules i’d lived by. the rule is, of course, that walkways and roads get you where you want to go.

so i walked into the wall, only then realizing that the place you want to get wasn’t always connected to the road. the teenage boys who were working that room cracked up laughing at me. i don’t blame them–they must have wondered what on earth my problem was.

i didn’t get it, though i should have: sometimes, in a bizarro world you don’t recognize, the rules change.

tonight i went to/planned a small get together for my wonderful pal’s birthday. we went bowling and to steak ‘n shake. it was good fun. playing with my friends is always fun.

when we went to steak ‘n shake, we were all sitting together. our waiter was adorable and sassy, and before i realized it, i was assertive and sassy back. and saying things that i never would have said before. it was fun. i was confident, and i haven’t a clue where it came from.

as we were all leaving, i was the last to pay and my friends, who had all come in separate cars, had already left. i went up to the register, where adorable waiter and his waitery pal (who i had seen him high fiveing in the back and talking to throughout our time there) were standing. waitery pal, who was adorable too in a sort of tall, independent film, curly haired (brookem, if you’re reading this, he had a GOOD HOH), guitar-playing, scruffy way, sort of leaned on the counter by the registers as i was paying and asked me how my brownie sundae was. i don’t really know how to describe his tone, but there was something to it. something i didn’t really recognize.

i told him it was fabulous (brownie, ice cream, hot fudge, whipped cream, and a cherry. tell me how that could be ANYTHING but fabulous? that’s what i thought.) and he told me that he had had a complaint about the brownie sundae earlier and so he was just curious. all of this while leaning on the counter and making eye contact and keeping the conversation going…with that unmistakable yet indecipherable tone.

and, while i sort of avoided eye contact at some points, i played along.

the whole time?

i had really no idea what was happening.

i should say, perhaps, that i knew exactly what was happening. i had known what was happening the whole time we were there. but i talked myself out of it, over and over again, not believing what i saw.

do you see the connection?

i now live in bizarro world where the rules are totally different. i haven’t caught up yet. i don’t know how to catch up.

when you’re fat, people don’t look at you. they look at you, but they don’t see you. or if they see you, they try not to see you. they look beyond. they look inside. nothing wrong with that. i don’t mind people seeing inside. i have a blog. i’m obviously kind of okay with my innermost thoughts being on display. my inside? i feel good about it. not to be obnoxious, but i know that i am quite awesome in that regard. i’ve had practice at that.

but i’m not at all used to being seen. not just seen, but seen, appraised, and obviously appreciated. noticed. and there being a positive reaction to that noticing. it’s a language i don’t understand. it’s a perspective i’m not used to. everything seems upside down and inside out. i used to be the one that nobody saw. now i’m the one that gets singled out? i feel like i’m walking into walls still, instead of seeing the door and going towards it with confidence.

i feel like the rest of the world is seeing me in a way that i don’t see myself.

how do you get past that? will i catch up?