dear drbolte’s readers…

from the always-wonderful chickbug, who makes every thursday better with her random polls and writes things that always make me think and whose presence here as a guest blogger makes my blog so completely and totally cool, comes today’s guest blog.

I’ve had this emailed drafted for weeks (maybe even months), but I
haven’t sent it. Why? Well….that could be the topic of a whole series
of blog entries. But I’ve decided to use this guest blogging
opportunity to post it here. And maybe you could all convince me to
send it. Or just give me some advice. I know my ex reads my blog. A
LOT. And it bothers me. Do I confront him about it? I mean, really,
what is that going to accomplish? Thoughts?



hope all is well. i’ve been thinking about you recently. i wish i
could still make sense of everything that happened with us, but i’m
never sure i will know the whole story…because i know you weren’t
100% honest with me. that was tough to stomach for awhile, but i’ve
moved on and really do think my life is better without our complicated
relationship in it.

but here is the thing. please don’t do that to someone else. i know
you are dating someone. and i also know you are checking my blog
regularly. sometimes 4 or 5 times a day. whatever relationship you
have going on….be 100% honest with her. if you aren’t, then you are
only hurting yourself. i can’t imagine she would be too happy to know
you are still trying to connect to me in this way.

i really do want the best for you. i just don’t want you to use or
mistreat other people along the way. be careful what you do to
people’s hearts. it isn’t something you should take lightly.

i hope you do enjoy the window you have in my life. i often, over the
past year, have wished for the same thing…to see what is going on
with you. so treasure it. because if i could close the blinds, i
would. not only for my sake, but for your girlfriends.

10 Responses to “dear drbolte’s readers…”

  1. I think you should send it. He is obvioiusly in some sort of infatuation with your life to constantly check it. If he hopes to have a good relationship with is current person he needs to cut the ties or at least come clean and have an open dialogue with you about why he is constantly checking.

    Besides its fun to let them know you know and have known for so long.

  2. OK this is a tough one. I would say not to send it. If I were you I would feel slightly violated having the ex read my blog. Still, you have to look out for yourself first and I’m afraid that writing to him will just open up a Pandora’s box for you. If he feels that there is something unfinished and needs to look at your blog, that’s his issue, not yours. I understand why you sympathize with his new girlfriend, but your job is not to protect her; your job is to protect your own heart. If you decide to send it, please just make sure that you are doing it for yourself; not for the ex and not for a girl you’ve never met.

  3. DO NOT SEND IT!!!! Sending it would almost insert yourself back into a world of drama that you no longer want to be involved in. I know you want to help a sista out – but she’s a big girl, and can handle what ever crap your ex slings her way.

    And besides – an email from you isn’t going to miraculously make him sit up and think, “maybe I should be honest with my new girl.” He still going to continue to be dishonest in one form or another.

    You keep on living your wonderful, fabulous life and let her deal with his dishonesty – he is no longer YOUR problem.

  4. I have to agree with Little Fish. It would be annoying to know that he checks your blog and can see into your life. But you have no responsibility to him or his new girl. I also wouldn’t want to give him the satisfaction of letting him know that you think about him and his new life. (maybe I’m just bitchy LOL)

  5. BIG SIGH. Don’t send it and the reason, because although it is healthy and very natural to think about him and your relationship- you are moving on. And “moving on” doesn’t mean, getting a new boyfriend- what I mean is that you are healing. He is not good for you. He hurt you and you don’t need him to move on. He is no longer part of your equation- the memory of him, yes; your relationship with him, yes; be he in the present is not and should not be part of your life.

    Although I wasn’t a witness of the day to day of your relationship- I know you, I knew him, and I knew you together. He loved you Chickbug. Maybe he still loves you (hence the checking of your blog)- but what’s wrong with that. Although you’ve never told me this, in some ways, you probably still love him? I strongly believe that if the love was real- then the love doesn’t go away even if reality determines that you’re not a good match for each other. And that was the situation here- no doubt. I’m not a cynic- but love DOESN’T conquer all… and unfortunately, you dealt with this first hand.

    But the point is- the past can strangle the life out of your future if you let it… and one thing that has been amazing about your journey (post relationship with the unnamed) is that you have done all the hard work needed to heal from the heartbreak and to re-enter singledom in a healthy way. Don’t let the fact that he reads Chickbug cause you frustration or hurt– let it remind you that those 5 years (5 years, right?) wasn’t a waste… because clearly the love was real. That’s what you should take away from this. That he loved you and still wants a window into your life… and yeah, it sucks that you still can’t have the same for him- but that’s ok… because you’re moving on and he’s no longer part of your equation.

    love you!!!

  6. shazancohen Says:

    ok, so i don’t think you should send this email, becasue you are way too nice in it and he doesn’t deserve to be nice to with what he did! My advice is to send this email…

    “Hey, i know you are reading my blog, i see you come on it 4 or 5 times a day (PSYCHO!!) and since i do not get that sort of info. about your life any more, i only thinks that is fair that you stop getting it about mine! Plus, if you have someone else in your life, which rumor has it you do i think it is only fair to her that you stop paying so much attention to me! I am sure she would appreciate a little more honesty out of you than i ever got!

    “The one that got away!”

    I know this sounds mean, and i know i am able to write this way becasue i never had feelings for him the way you did, but really this is what he deserves! You are so much better than he could have ever hoped for and the fact that he feels the need to see what is going on with you so often, only shows how much he realizes he lost a very talented, witty, smart and beautifull girl in his life! Luv ya!

  7. I think you first have to ask yourself what you hope to accomplish by sending him the email. I understand the thought that if you send it, it will allow you to feel more closure and help you move on even more than you already have. But I agree with those that say that you need to protect yourself first and foremost. Don’t worry about his life, don’t worry about how he treats his new girl, and don’t worry about him reading your blog. I know that’s annoying, but it just shows him that you’ve moved on even though he hasn’t. I think it’s probably best if you don’t send the email. You don’t want him to think that you still care (even if you do a little, which is not the point). It wasn’t meant to be between the two of you, and you’ve moved on with your life. yes, he should do the same. But I don’t think sending him this email will change anything for either of you. You are much better without him and it really is his loss.

  8. This is the kind of thing that I feel better after writing it, and worse after sending. Ultimately, I have to agree with everyone, do not send this. Sending this pulls you back into a world you don’t want to be in.

    It’s very bizarre that he visits your page so often. You are a stronger woman than I am, I think there is a very real chance I would have picked up my blog and moved without notice. However, I think you should take the high road, and continue to ignore him. It’s likely that this email will change nothing inside of him. Once a sneak, always a sneak.

  9. Chickbug,
    I whole heartily understand your reasoning for wanting to send that letter, however your relationship with him is in the past and you will not accomplish anything by telling him to be honest or by trying to save his girlfriend. Protecting her from the inevitable outcome of that relationship will not put your own heartache to rest.

    If the roles were reversed and he reached out to you and explained how you needed to be a better person, how would you react?

    It irritates me how often he reads your blog, but with this you have ALL the control. You can paint your life anyway you choose. There is nothing less satisfying than knowing your ex has moved on. He may have a girlfriend, but he’s the one reading your blog…you’re not eavesdropping into his life. You are the one who is making it appear you are moving on, not him. Take the high road and release him from your thoughts or at least the urge to fix him, and continue with your blog.

  10. Chickbug-
    My brother went through an almost identical situation… Only thing was that he didn’t have a blog, so his now ex-fiancé and her sister (I’ve never even MET the sister) were hitting MY blog zillions of times a day looking for any piece of information about him they could find. It was almost comical because if I ever posted anything that had to do with him (and my brother is one of my best pals, so I couldn’t NOT say anything about him), literally within minutes, they would both hit the site. Then they’d email friends of theirs who would be referred to the site from email links and they would all click on the same pictures or links throughout the blog. My brother knew about it since he would check the stats page (which I have since locked down), and it would drive him crazy because he felt like she was trying to do anything she could to get under his skin. He thought about telling her that he knew, but he didn’t want to have to deal with MORE drama by initiating contact with her again. This went on for MONTHS, and finally, he decided he was tired of her trying to get to him through my blog. He is a pretty good swimmer, and was training for Olympic Trials, and didn’t need any disruptions before that, but as soon as trials were over, we pulled the plug…all it took was one subtle post about my traffic stats for the site and how the most hits were coming from the states of Arizona (where the ex-fiancé was) and Idaho (where the sister was), and they haven’t been back since. (

    But, the point of this long ramble is that he has moved on, and if he were to have opened up communication again, it would have been really hard on him. She hadn’t been honest with him, either, and that had already caused him months of anguish. And, she hadn’t moved on, but that was her problem, not his. Protect your heart and do the best for you! While I only know you from reading your blog, you are fabulous and don’t need to be dragged down by someone who clearly can’t compete!

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