Archive for October, 2008

if this doesn’t get me candy, nothing will.

Posted in Uncategorized on October 31, 2008 by drbolte

pathetic, isn’t it? but the antenna are cute! and i’ve been wearing them since this afternoon. darnit if the plague will keep me from wearing them.

but it’s kind of breaking my heart to not be able to play with my friends. it’s my last halloween in gainesville. and i’m missing it.

supersad.

update: i am watching friday night lights. online. from the beginning. and i am in love with matt saracen.

there are worse things to do on a friday night, i suppose. there are definitely better things, but this doesn’t suck completely.

warning: serious whining enclosed.

Posted in Uncategorized on October 30, 2008 by drbolte

one can only hope that on the day when you walk around saying “i’m dying,” and believe that you have in fact killed a small rainforest in tissues, it is the beginning of the end of the virus.

i’m definitely missing halloween.

tylenol cold does JACK. i miss comtrex. i might go in search of some soon.

i have lost my appetite, i think. while that might be miraculous, i think it’s a little weird too since it NEVER HAPPENS NOT EVER EVER EVER. all i want to eat is crackers, which is sort of counteproductive to the whole nutritious food so that your body can fight the virus that has abducted your brain and soul plan.

ugh. i think i’m dying.

not really, but ugh.

i feel like a five year old.  i miss my mom.

thanks for letting me whine.

Posted in Uncategorized on October 29, 2008 by drbolte

suckage. times two.

brought to you by the letter blech and the number 405,678.

Posted in all i want for christmas is..., etcetera, forward my mail, me, sigh, TV and me are pals, will work for food, wish i may wish i might on October 29, 2008 by drbolte

you didn’t know that blech was a letter?

it is. i just added it to the alphabet of my world because sometimes you don’t have the wherewithal to think of anything else to explain how you feel.  except the new letter blech.  and also, it reminds me of sesame street, which always makes me happy. did you know that maria is doing commercials for cox cable now? telling parents that they can check out a new website so that they can review things like “the omen” to see if they are child appropriate?

(let me just say no, and let us all move on with our lives.)

yeah, i didn’t know either until i spent an entire week pivoting between three places–my bed, my desk where the printer is, and my bathroom.  with periodic trips to the kitchen and post office, this is my life.  so i watch a LOT of TV (and holy sweetness i’ve hit a new low if young and the restless is playing on my TV hold on i have to change it and oh good i love lucy).  and so i am up to date on all of the cable commercials because what else are they going to play in the middle of the day when no one except people with the plague are watching?

not that i have the plague. let me not alarm the masses. i feel like, until about…uhm…three hours ago, i was stuck in neutral in sickland, where i didn’t feel SO bad that i couldn’t do anything but i felt bad enough that i couldn’t do much. so i vacillated between guilt and mehness a lot.

but now we seem to have downshifted into a real cold that real girls get, so i feel less like an imposter and more like i might miss halloween.  which i should be upset about, i suppose, but i sort of don’t care that much.

i was going to be a ladybug, you see. i made antenna and everything. we’ll see. maybe i’ll muster enough energy to dress up to take pictures with my roommates. or maybe i’ll just stay in my pajamas.  i’ll let you guess which one i’m leaning toward right now.

did you know that this is the last week of october?  THE LAST WEEK OF OCTOBER. as in we’re closer to thanksgiving and christmas than we were before and OH MY GOSH where did the time go and it’s GAME ON time.

(some of you will understand what that means.  those of you who understand what it means, please understand that in my current condition, i am not feel so very hopeful about such games.)

but that’s neither here nor there.

i don’t really remember why it is that i thought that i should write, except to tell you that i went to the post office yesterday and mailed something like twelve job applications, and did three more online, and some people will be glad to know that at least five of those were east of the mississippi. and i stepped on the scale and nearly fell off of it again because the number was one i hadn’t seen in my adult life. i stepped back on to see if it was mocking me again (it does that sometimes, teasing me with a low number the first time and then giving me the real, higher number all subsequent times) and it wasn’t. doesn’t make any sense, and i fear that it will slingshot back one i am not laying around all day, but isn’t that counterintuitive and what the heck do i care how about i just say YAHOO!

but the REAL point is that i have so very very very much to do, but feel it a tender mercy that i am not freaking out about it. i just keep plugging away, hoping that my best, right now, is good enough to turn someone’s employment-decision-making head or that, if it’s not, my Heavenly Father will make up the difference.

i have chapters to finish, you know.  i’m behind.  and yet, i can’t really freak out about it, even though i have 405,678 things to do before, like, november.

oh, look. there’s the freaking.  good times.

it’s cold and i’m going back to my blankets.  i’ll bring this here computer with me and try to conjure brilliance. or at least use it for its warmth.

redeeming this day.

Posted in all i want for christmas is..., dissertation, faith is action, me, perfect brightness of hope, the glass is half FULL, The Single Life, will work for food, wish i may wish i might on October 27, 2008 by drbolte

nine jobs applied for, three of which i actually really, really want.  total number of jobs i really really want and have now applied for, in case you are keeping tabs at home?  4.  all of which are west of the mississippi.

an all-day west wing marathon soothed the savage beast of this sore throat that seems interminable.  even theraflu didn’t really help.  cereal with milk, though, does.  odd, although not.  the milk likely coats my throat…and then makes it worse. good job, drbolte.

i am so looking forward to tomorrow, she says not at all sarcastically, because i found someone to work for me and it will be COLD tomorrow, so i’ll be able to bundle up like i did, sort of, today and stay in bed all day again with my laptop and will myself to finish the rest of these letters.  it’s awfully intimidating, you know, to try to sell yourself. i was planning on completely reworking every letter, but i end up really just sort of retooling the first paragraph and the last paragraph.  i think that’s probably okay.

i think it will be scary to put these all in the mailbox. i got to wondering recently when i’d start hearing back.  i think maybe soon?  i had to change my voicemail from the adorable message i had before–which said “you’ve reached the ridiculously adorable [drbolte]. you may proceed to worship me after the beep.”–to a boring, professional one.  ah, the travails of a job searcher.

but i’m grateful for every one of these jobs that give me hope.  genuinely i am.  odds are better, right?  all i need is one. one solid, good, awesome tenure track job.

i only need one good man too.

but that’s a whole other topic.

keep your fingers crossed on both accounts, okay?

fetchin’…

Posted in etcetera on October 27, 2008 by drbolte

i am sick.

to say this out loud makes me ANGRY. i tried to deny that it was coming, tried to stem the tide, but the throat doesn’t lie, nor do the sniffles.  so i am sick.

and i am ticked.

so i will be spending my day trying not to swallow because OW and writing job search letters because there is no time to not do so.  i have seventeen due in the next week or so.  it will get done, darn it.  and i will haul my undertheweather carcass to the post office to mail them in a timely fashion.

i need some juice.

what taylor swift songs do to you at 1 a.m.

Posted in etcetera on October 25, 2008 by drbolte

a question, not at all rhetorical:

once you love someone, fall in love with someone, is your heart ever really closed to them again? i know it’s different, but can you ever really close that part of your heart up?

miracles.

Posted in dissertation, faith is action, gators, i love my life, magic, shopping, someday I'll be a real middle class girl, the glass is half FULL, will work for food on October 23, 2008 by drbolte

i believe in a God of everyday miracles.

let me give you cases in point.

this week has been INSANE.  literally. i could have been driven mad by it all, let it totally throw me, let it debilitate me to the point where i couldn’t do what i needed to do. but i didn’t. i’m not saying it didn’t affect me–it did, enough to blog about it and talk to my mom about it for an hour–but then i got up, dusted myself off, and got moving again.

miracle number one.

yesterday might have been the nuttiest day of them all, what with homecoming float things that needed to be done (i promise, i’ll post pictures!) and the fact that i realized what a huge huge fat crisis my procrastination on job applications had created for me.  this job, the one that i was applying for? ABSOLUTELY PERFECT for me.  it’s way far away (just about as far away as you can get in the continental united states), but they’re looking for someone specializing in my field, who has a breadth of teaching experience including interest in/focus on writing, who also has an interest in contemporary lit/film/television.

well, hello. welcome to my schizophrenic career.

but they wanted A LOT of stuff. and they wanted applications to be COMPLETE by friday. most of the time when they give a deadline, it’s a postmark deadline. oh no. not this one.

so i prayed–oh boy did i pray–that i would be able to accomplish everything and that i would be able to let go of the float a little and let people help and that i would be able to meet all of my deadlines and that i would be able to do it well.

and even though it cost me $28 in extra shipping/overnighting costs, the application was complete and sent and will be there by 3 p.m. on friday.

of course they probably won’t even look at it until november 1st, but that’s neither here nor there. and let’s ignore the fact that i found a typo on the first page of the writing sample, one that i have missed for MONTHS now because it’s not so much a typo as a misspelling of an author’s middle name that looks normal but is actually ENTIRELY wrong.  let’s hope they skim over that like i do.

we got everything done for the float that needed to be done yesterday. today is just touch up and final touches.

i even had time to go to the grocery store.

miracles 2 through 278.

today, i am starting to work ahead through the job stuff, looking to not put myself in the position that i was yesterday, so i had to do some copying and some ink cartridge buying (good heavens, they are going to bankrupt me, i swear).  on my way back, i stopped at the bank near the mall.  and a tiny voice told me “go check out ann taylor loft.”

you may think this is a delusional voice that is born of my desire for retail therapy. no, not at all.  i don’t shop at ann taylor loft. it would never occur to me to go there, really, except that i had a conversation with law school girl about their suits.  but my plan was to buy a suit over christmas, just before my interviews, and to have mom pay for it. ah, plans.

i arrived and they were having a sale.  a big sale.

so i immediately start looking at the largest sizes they have. if you have ever had trouble buying clothes in a regular store, because you are too short or too tiny or too large or too tall, you will know what this impulse feels like. you will just sort of automatically gravitate toward the sizes that have fit in the past or styles that seem to work on you, perhaps picking up a piece or too that should be too small or too short or too whatever just for kicks because it’s insanely marked down and it would be a travesty not to at least try.

that’s what i did.  and i cried in the dressing room.

not because things didn’t fit but because, for the first time in my life that i can remember, most everything fit.  and pretty much looked good. and were in sizes that real people wear.  the pencil skirt still didn’t work–i don’t think i have the body for a pencil skirt, as much as i keep trying for it–but everything else fit.

including the most adorable hot pink jacket (it sounds so 1989 but it’s not. it’s SO adorable) with big black buttons and some pinstriped pants that were part of a suit.

i bought a suit. in a real girl size.  and i got it on ridiculous sale.

(WHY does the website say this is denim? it’s not denim! it’s charcoal grey with pinstripes! that’s not denim! what, are they TRYING to kill me?)

miracle number 6.

i have just applied for my first professor job.  i have just bought a suit to go on interviews for said professor jobs.  i have just made 40 copies of my CV.  the float is coming together, and we are finding people to ride on it and be ridiculous with us.

miracles are all around us.  and everything i seem to ask for, the things i need, are showing up for me.  i don’t understand how you can look around the world, at how we are so blessed in our time of need, and not see the hand of a loving God in that.

i see it.  i am blessed.

i give up.

Posted in drama drama drama, faith is action, me, wish i may wish i might, you have to be a chick to understand on October 21, 2008 by drbolte

basically, everything related to interpersonal communication that i attempt today seems to blow up in my face. also, there seems to be a lot of really high stakes stuff going on, and i am apparently not handling it well.

or i am handling it beautifully, and the world around me is going flipping nuts.

so, i give up. i surrender. i am going into a state of painting-focused, job-letter-writing, four-mile-walk/running, speak-only-when-spoken-to-or-only-through-an-electronic-medium exile.

(exiles are always so cool and debonair.)

and hopefully, when i emerge, everyone will have dealt with their crap and left me out of it. i really would like to be left out of it. i have enough of my own to deal with.

i am about to make things worse by saying things i don’t really mean, so i’ll end here.

sometimes, your best doesn’t even feel good enough, you know?

it’s what you do when no one’s looking that’s important.

Posted in etcetera, faith is action, friends, me, wish i may wish i might on October 21, 2008 by drbolte

i don’t think i prize anything more dearly than trustworthiness.

i chose to tell a friend of mine, who i consider to be more like a little sister, that one of the people that she trusted with a confidence had not kept that confidence.  it was something i would want to know, since it was a situation that would likely come up and bite her if she didn’t know, and in the process i fear that i may have educated her in a way of the world that she perhaps didn’t want to be educated in.

it made me sad, but it was what i would want someone to do.  it was what a good friend would do, i think, someone who loves you and wants only the best for you.

i suppose i could have stood by, knowing as i do that others are talking about her, but i couldn’t.  when the story came around to me, i immediately asked the person telling me if this person knew that this was happening.

but i’m the one who feels bad now.  perhaps because i know that the knowledge will hurt this person–if not immediately, than certainly later.  perhaps because i don’t like that i knew.  perhaps because now i realize that all of those times when i have talked behind someone’s back, it really did have an effect–even if i don’t know that person well. perhaps because, even though i know this in my head, i still struggle with it in practice.

perhaps it’s because i love this person and my heart aches for them.

perhaps it’s anger at the person who started it all, as it really shouldn’t have even happened and i don’t understand why it did.

trust is a gift.  i know, because i don’t give it out often.  i don’t understand why other people don’t see it that way.

it makes me love and appreciate the people who keep my trust even more.

they are few and far between, but they are there.  and i treasure them.