day one.

i thought that climbing to the tippy-top of the stadium stairs twice made my legs feel like jello and my heart want to explode.

child’s play.

what really brought me to my knees was this morning’s foray into running.

yeah, i did it.  for one minute at a time, eight times, walking a minute and a half inbetween, as prescribed by the gurus who started it all. i didn’t give up, though i briefly thought about it.  i will say one thing for myself–i have trained my body not to stop moving even when it wants to. i can slow down, even to a crawl, but i do not stop moving.  that’s what the past four months have taught me. when i stop, i fail.

i will not fail.

nevertheless, that eighth interval was tough.  for the whole minute leading up to it, sucking wind as i was, i was literally telling myself (out loud…i must have looked a sight…) “you can do it. it’s just one minute. you can do it. it’s just one minute.”

so i did it.  one more time. for one more minute.

feeling rather pathetic afterwards, i asked a question of an online forum that i frequent, the place where i heard about the program i’m following.  i basically asked if this was normal, if i would ever feel less like a complete and total idiot and more like i knew what i was doing.  would it get easier, i wanted to know, or should i expect to always feel like a fish out of water?

it will get easier, they said, but not easy. it requires commitment, dedication, perseverance.

my mom got me a birthday present that arrived a week or so ago, a framed version of this:

the quote beneath it, from ralph waldo emerson, says “what lies behind us and what lies before us are small compared to what lies within us.”

such true words.

she got it for me because of its literal application to my life–she knew of my goal to run the stairs, how much that task had focused my determination and made itself a huge goal in my life–but i know she got it for me for lots of other reasons too.

because when i saw it, i sort of chuckled.  i need reminding, often, that if my life seems to be looking up one big set of steep stairs that need to be tackled, i have my shoes on and the capacity to climb them.

so perseverance?  okay.  dedication?  mmhmm.  commitment?  yeah.  i don’t quit.

here we go.

again.

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