not.

she‘s the cool kid, so i’m jumping on her bandwagon.

i am not afraid of challenges, though i am afraid of failing at them. i am not stoic, much as certain circumstances make me wish i was. i am not difficult to read. i am not often at a loss for words, but lately that comes with greater frequency. i am not a believer in sitting by and waiting for life to happen, although i used to be.

i am not likely to be up early, ever, unless that early morning errand is followed by a nice nap.  i am not averse to making my own bread, learning to make my own clothes, or otherwise living by a pioneer standard; however, i do not have time to do that right now.  i am not frequently zen-like; i am almost always thinking of something that has me stewing.  i am not sure what no stress feels like anymore. i am not a fan of dishes, laundry, or mopping floors, although i feel ridiculously productive once i’ve finished those chores.  i am not sure i can marry someone who won’t agree to take out the trash.

i do not believe any aspect of life will ever be truly easy; that’s why i’m always surprised by them when they come around. i do not often believe in my own work until i see evidence that it isn’t the crap that i make it out to be.  i do not wear heels very often, but the more often i do the more i love them. i am not a girly-girl, but i also don’t ever want to pee in the woods.  i am not afraid to sweat like a crazy person during workouts anymore–if someone has a problem with that, that’s theirs and not mine.  i am not afraid of questions.

i am not kidding when i say that i bleed orange and blue, although i am a bit surprised about how that all happened.  i do not feel out of my element talking about college football, although i have a lot left to learn. i am not looking forward to fall saturdays outside the swamp. i am not amused by arrogance, which is why i don’t like professional sports.  i do not think there will ever be an era of gator football like this one, because tebow is truly one-of-a-kind.

i will not eat cottage cheese, under any circumstance. i am not going to listen to your complaining without suggesting ways to fix the situation. i do not have patience with people who refuse to do something to change the things that don’t work in life.  i do not ever want to be a stereotypical anything, but i rebel against those that critique others for, in the course of being who they are, fit into those molds. i do not understand why i have such vivid memories of some things but have whole years that are foggy and seemingly unimportant.

i am not afraid of my family history of breast cancer. i am not inclined to get genetic testing, even though my mom may do it.  i do not believe in chasing trouble, nor do i believe that such information would do anything other than inspire a lifetime of freakouts.  so, i am not delusional, but i do what i want.  i will not live my life in fear.

i do not work well without some sort of pressure. i do not make deadlines very often–i usually am off by a week or so, which i hate.  i am not usually early to places anymore, which invites more anxiety than necessary.  i am not like my mother in so many ways–i fill my gas tank when it’s almost empty, i pay my bills on the day that they’re due, i stay up obscenely late, i buy clothes that she would never look at–but i am not ignorant of the fact that when i bang dishes around the kitchen in a passive-aggressive demonstration of bubbling frustration, i am exactly like her. i do not have a problem with that weird balance.

i will not be in a band, although i’d like to be in my secret hearts of hearts.  i will not have twelve kids, although i once wanted that many. i will not travel the world, more than likely, because i would rather spend my money on something closer to home.  i would not be surprised if my future family involves children that i adopt.

i do not want to live here forever, but i don’t want to leave.  i am not usually the one who understands her own potential; more likely than not, i am the girl looking back and saying ‘what the heck…look how far i’ve come.’ i do not know who i would be if i hadn’t come to florida, hadn’t gone to graduate school, hadn’t grabbed my life and made of it what i wish.  i am not a fan of regrets and wishing for do overs.

i am not who i once was.

what are you not?

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One Response to “not.”

  1. oooh you jumped on! love it. love your nots.
    (orange and blue…. where’s this from?)

    cool kid?! not so sure about that! but thank you:)

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