gutwrenching horror which everyone saw as success.

i don’t get it.

i mean, i kind of get it, but i don’t get it at all.

today was the mock interview. i prepared as best i could, prayed harder than i’ve prayed in a while (which seems to be a consistent theme…are you catching it? i am praying A LOT lately. and fervently.), and went to the interview.

the first part, which i was WAY stressing about, went beautifully and i recognized it as i was speaking.

the rest?

felt like one big fat carnival of horrors. questions i couldn’t answer. specifics i couldn’t give. opinions that seemed to be received about as well as a big fat credit card bill on the day after christmas.

bad stuff.

they asked me to step out so that they could talk, and then called me back in to give me pointers.

longest four minutes of my life. possibly on part with the four or so minutes that i waited to see if i had passed my phd orals, but i think worse than that.

because the whole time i just wanted to beat my head into the wall. i was sure i had tanked it.

all i wanted to do was not be a dithering idiot for these professors who i actually greatly respect. one of them is my department head.

yeah, i really don’t want to look like the phd program is a big fat joke that turns out idiots who have not the foggiest idea what they are working on or what they have done.

when they called me in?

“really nice job.”

i was confident, poised, personable, and persuasive. i need to work on specifics (le duh) and frame my ideas more confidently and assertively (yes.) but they were, and i quote, impressed.

i freaking give up.

HOW DO I NOT HAVE ANY IDEA WHEN I AM GOOD AT THINGS?

my gosh.

it was an exhausting hour, but good heavens am i glad it’s over. it’s good to know that i still interview well. it’s good to know what to work on. it’s good to have had that experience, so that i know what to expect.

i just wish i had more confidence in me.

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2 Responses to “gutwrenching horror which everyone saw as success.”

  1. I told you! Good job! I knew you’d do great!

  2. well, congrats on it going well – even if YOU didnt know it! 😉

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