heisman bizarroworld.

the following interchange, with some artistic license, may have just happened in my mom’s house.

me: do you mind if i watch the heisman?
mom [so glad i’m home that she’d probably agree to watch that britney documentary on slow repeat if it made me happy]: sure. uhm, i don’t have espn on my favorites, so we’ll have to find it.

[several minutes later]

mom: so this takes an hour? so we’re going to watch an hour BEFORE they announce it?
me: yeah…i’m not really sure what they’ll…[sees the college gameday crew and immediately falls into awed silence]
mom: we want tebow to win, right? which one is he?
me: the one in the middle. the one who looks like he could snap the other two in half.
mom: he really shouldn’t walk with his hands in his pockets like that.
me: he’s probably just awesome and starting a new trend. or trying to look chill.

[minutes pass.]
me: i hate sam bradford.
mom: he has a broken hand!
me: he had surgery on his non-throwing hand this week to repair ligaments that he tore during the oklahoma-texas tech game.
mom: [stares at me]
me:[excitedly] I KNOW EVERYTHING!

[during colt mccoy’s introductory package]
me: he really should win because texas got shafted.
mom: texas got shafted?
me: [proceeds to explain the big 12 controversy and why oklahoma really probably shouldn’t even be playing the gators in the championship game but whatever it’s a messed up system.]
mom: oh.

[commercial break]
me: did i tell you i’m having a GIANT party for the championship game?
mom: [looking confused] but it’s new year’s day.
me: no, it’s the 8th.
mom: huh?
me: the championship is on the 8th. it’s the last bowl game played because it’s the big one.
mom: so are the gators playing in a bowl game too?
me: no. [proceeds to attempt to explain the BCS bowl system, which is impossible since it doesn’t even make sense to the people who administer it.]

[during sam bradford’s tape package]
mom: he seems like a nice guy.
me: he’s the devil.
mom: oh, okay.
me: i mean, he’s probably a perfectly nice guy, but i have to hate him. it’s kind of my job.
mom: right.

[sam bradford wins. he starts spewing about his offensive line and his wide receivers, and i begin to feel the fiery flames of rage lick up the sides of my head.]

mom: we’re done with this, right? or did you want to hear him?
me: [after the 33rd “unreal”] no. ugh. we’re done. [mumbling as i walk into the other room.] i can’t wait until we put him on the ground.

and scene.

One Response to “heisman bizarroworld.”

  1. We’re going to put him down SO. HARD.

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