Archive for January, 2009

word of the freakin’ day.

Posted in bff, dissertation, domestic goddess, faith is action, going quietly mad, i am not a gym rat, me, sigh, someday I'll be a real middle class girl on January 29, 2009 by drbolte

thwart:

–verb, used with an object.

1. to oppose successfully; prevent from accomplishing a purpose.

2. to frustrate or baffle (a plan, a purpose, etc.).

in one particular area of my life, smooth sailing is the order of the day. i feel led, guided, protected, and shielded from opposition or most anything bad.  it’s beautiful and wonderful and amazing and mind-bogglingly awesome (in the truest sense of the word awesome rather than the bill and ted’s version of awesome).

i had been wondering where the opposition would come because, if you don’t know, there is opposition in all things.

and i’m not saying there hasn’t been some degree of opposition in this area, but comparatively speaking, it’s been so…not.

and i’m not chasing trouble. please don’t get me wrong. no trouble please. i like how things are and i have no fear that they will change, really.

but i’d been sort of looking around wondering when the opposition was going to come.

and then, walking in the steady drizzling rain to work, contemplating how i was going to accomplish everything that i have to accomplish today, feeling like i was the biggest failure in the world because no matter what i try to do i can’t manage to do it, i realized.

THERE IT IS.

in every other area of my life, i feel thwarted.

it’s such a good word.

stymied. stopped. frustrated.

the weight loss? at a complete standstill. part of that is lack of good sleep. part of that is that i’ve been cooking for two lately and, until about two days ago, didn’t really realize that i could incorporate really healthy stuff and it would go over fine.  also…how do guys eat so much and not gain any weight at all?  my gosh.  it’s insane, really.  so i mean i guess i have a plan there, but…that’s been a unique challenge.

exercise? i’m lucky if i manage to do anything, or so it feels. today is a perfect example. i wanted to go run stadiums today. that was my plan. that’s my plan for every thursday evening.  i did it last week and it was AMAZING. i loved it. today? raining. and i have 500000 things to do before i leave for a weekend wedding tomorrow at 0 dark o’clock.  so i’m thinking, how am i going to get a really good calorie burn? and i get so frustrated that i could cry because i just have done so not great at this lately. i miss it.  but i don’t know how to do it all and when it feels this hard to even do 24 minutes of shred, i’m just not brave enough sometimes to do it.  but i get scared that if i don’t, i’ll backslide.  and i can’t backslide. i’ve worked way way too hard.

dissertation? i got one thing done in the last two weeks when my goal was to finish an entire draft of a chapter.  and that one thing? took me like four hours total. and on that day when i was dedicated to doing it? interrupted continuously.  i interrupted myself to forage for food for us and that ended up taking like WAY longer than i thought it would (my own fault, but still…). just as i was getting back to working, my roommate needed me to go home and get something for her. as in drive home and get it and bring it to her on campus. she’d do the same for me at any moment, so i did it, but her request came just at the time when i wouldn’t be able to return to my studying place so i had to pack up all of my stuff and then restart somewhere else.  that’s a perfect example.

i just feel like, in most of my life, i am walking uphill in mud against a bracing wind. it’s exhausting.  i am desperately trying. i sometimes think i’m not, but would i be this frustrated if i wasn’t? i don’t know how to do it better–i genuinely don’t, not without giving up things i don’t want to give up–and i actually don’t know if i’m managing to do anything at all. i don’t know if i’m actually progressing, perhaps imperceptibly, or if i’m standing still.

describing all of this actually makes the complete ease of the other area of my life even more incredible by comparison, actually.  he is the shelter to these bracing winds.

maybe that’s the point.

i need a plan.

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cxxx: dilemma in denim.

Posted in c, etcetera, ghetto life, i am not a gym rat, mirror mirror on the wall, shopping, sigh, someday I'll be a real middle class girl, will work for food, you have to be a chick to understand on January 27, 2009 by drbolte

the shred has been effective.

i use a form of the past tense because i think i am shredded out.  this week i haven’t done it once. i am not inclined to do it because a) i’ve done it most every day for a month b) i’m tired of it c) i’ll never master it (or so it feels) and d) i miss my sixty/seventy/eighty minute crazy cardio wackiness and gym psychotic sprees.  i may resurrect it twice or three times a week as a strength training supplement, but i think i may have toxed out on jillian michaels.

but it’s been effective. i’ve lost something like two inches from my hips and an inch from my waist and thighs.  in less than a month.

all of which makes my jeans even bigger than they were.

“yeah, yeah, yeah. big problem. stop your whining.”  i can hear you all now, and i understand. i really should shut up.

but i’m too busy TRYING TO KEEP MY PANTS ON MY BODY.

so…here’s my dilemma.

do i go invest the money in jeans that actually fit, since let’s be real–jeans are THE staple of my wardrobe–from the store where i got my jeans that the bff has told me he likes better than all of the rest because they actually fit (uhm…which inclines me to actually go buy 14 pairs of them if he likes them, but that’s neither here nor there) which will cost me $50 a pair at least (money that i could spend in a MULTITUDE of different ways…)?

or maybe see if jeans at real girl stores will seriously fit (like buckle…or somewhere else…) which will be more expensive but possibly last longer/look better/make me feel like i can conquer the WORLD?

or keep waiting until i get smaller?

i’m growing frustrated.

i’m also only about thirty pounds from my goal.  which is amazing and makes the dilemma even more obnoxious.  because i wonder if those thirty pounds will be two sizes (as is pretty standard–15 lbs = one size) or like four since apparently i’m losing inches INFINITELY faster than i am losing pounds.

expensive.  nice, but expensive.

so what should i do?  what would YOU do?

still kickin’.

Posted in Uncategorized on January 24, 2009 by drbolte

i’m here.

i promise i am.

i am thinking.

i promise i am.

much of this thinking migrates to my journal, because it’s just too much to share. but i’m thinking. and i’m meandering back to real life stuff, like stadium stairs (i killed them! they didn’t kill me!) and days spent in the library (i dread it! but i should not be permitted anywhere near TNT during the daytime!) and angst about most anything and everything. if it makes you feel any better, i haven’t even called back the people that i harassed about not calling me about hanging out because i MIIIIISSSSS them (hi lindz!) because, well, i’m sort of kind of all of the time busy.

does that make you feel any better?

i am still here.

are you still here?

what are YOU doing?

currently.

Posted in Uncategorized on January 22, 2009 by drbolte

shamelessly stolen from pink

Loving: the boy and how we’re still on our streak of spending time together every single day.

Consuming: i’m on a strawberry pop-tart thing right now. which is not in keeping with my goals.

Craving: banana pancakes, oddly enough. and french onion soup. that one’s going to happen soon. and meat. ooh. general tso’s tofu. YUM. i’m hungry. can you tell?

Hoping: to be brave.

Netflixing: planet earth. i need to sign up again, just so i can get all of the discs at one time. i have a plan.

Listening to: right this minute? the hum of the printer. in general? i’m keeping my ear out for a song that strikes me as appropriate.

Reading: a walk to remember.

Wanting: more time in the day. not having to sacrifice anything i want to do.

Looking Forward to: running the stadium, actually, in an hour. WEIRD. i’m a pod person.

here and now.

Posted in bff, c, dissertation, etcetera, faith is action, Life, me, wish i may wish i might on January 21, 2009 by drbolte

brookem wrote a beautiful post about posts she hasn’t written and couldn’t possibly write.

i echo her sentiments, and post only to add this: if i learn anything in the next few weeks and months, i hope it is to live in the moment.  i am, if you hadn’t already guessed, the big picture girl.  i think broadly, abstractly, often looking towards what will happen next.  i don’t think i do enough to enjoy the exact moment that i am in.

or do as much with it as i could.

i still find myself trying desperately to make everything fit into the time that i’ve been given, yet waste time fretting about how to do it instead of digging deep and using each moment in the best way possible.

i worry instead.  i worry about how to do everything  perfectly, not realizing that by worrying i waste an opportunity to do something.

i don’t know if this will make any sense to anyone else, or if i’m just putting it out there in the hopes that it will make sense to me.

i feel certain that i have to just let go, let go of the micromanaging instinct, let go of the insecurities that tell me that i can’t do it, let go of the fear that i’ll fail, let go of wondering what will happen next, and just fall into whatever it is that is so clearly ahead of me.

(that seems like a weird hodgepodge of imagery to me, freefalling and being led down new paths, but it feels appropriate.)

that’s scary, you know?

but as i’m being reminded recently, you can’t be brave without being scared. and you can’t be brave without making the choice to be so.

that’s my new goal.  forget the goals about shred (i’m still doing it…) and chapters and dance classes and books to read.

i just want to be brave.  in every moment that i can muster it, and even in those when i’m not sure that i can, i want to be brave.  brave enough to choose action over inaction. brave enough to choose words over silence. brave enough to choose silence over panic.  brave enough to choose confidence over doubt, patience over frustration.

brave enough to choose me.

i didn’t vote for him. but i’d vote for her.

Posted in Uncategorized on January 20, 2009 by drbolte

i didn’t vote for president barack obama.

you may judge me for that, if you’d like. i understand.

but that ship has sailed and while i spent my morning asleep in bed trying to kick a cold, i will more than likely find the inauguration coverage online and share in that little slice of history. i feel rather ashamed that i didn’t do it today.

i have been rather tired of all of the inauguration talk. not because i have something burning against the president or his incoming administration, because i don’t. it’s not because i believe he is going to singlehandedly destroy america or something equally preposterous.

it’s mainly just election fatigue. i’ll be glad to get back to business. i’m not sure when that will happen, but i’d like for it to sometime soon.

as i was clicking through pictures of michelle obama, i realized something that sort of surprised me.

i am hecka excited to see what she will do as first lady. i am thrilled by the prospect of having a dynamic, outgoing, young, and vivacious woman in the white house who will be both raising children and pursuing an active service agenda.

i have had the greatest amount of respect for laura bush’s quiet way of advancing her own platform. i very much respect the bush women and their focus on literacy–i am a book girl after all.

but looking at pictures of this young mother, and seeing how ridiculously adorable her girls are, i am excited to see the dimension of american life that will bring to the white house.

youth is good. vigor is awesome. i am excited by both of those, and look forward to seeing what’s next.

and on a somewhat-related-but-really-actually-tangential note: i thought jill biden’s boots were slammin’.

five signs.

Posted in Uncategorized on January 19, 2009 by drbolte

1. i just ate cold leftover tater tots right out of the ziploc bag i put them in. with a fork. and i just squirted the ketchup in the bag.
2. next up is raw cookie dough.
3. i cried for absolutely no reason at all tonight over something stupid and it only occurred to me about an hour later that it was an overreaction.
4. no matter what i did this morning, i seemed to feel like i was beaten with the ugly stick.
5. i’m wicked insecure about things that not twelve hours ago i was completely fine and even supportive of.

there are benefits to being a girl. the three days a month when the crazy PMS hits? not so much. good grief i hate it. i hate how irrational i get (although i will admit to being grateful for my cognizance of my crazy, so i can minimize the collateral damage if at all possible).

i hate it SOOO much.

in other news, life is good, although i have yet to find balance (clearly). i’m working on it though. we’re working on it. my constant prayer this week will be to find the internal strength to push through, get on a better sleeping/eating/exercising schedule, and make the most of the time that i have. i need to find that scrappy self that can do anything. she’s awesome. i LIKE her.

and she’ll kick the crap out of the crazy.