here and now.

brookem wrote a beautiful post about posts she hasn’t written and couldn’t possibly write.

i echo her sentiments, and post only to add this: if i learn anything in the next few weeks and months, i hope it is to live in the moment.  i am, if you hadn’t already guessed, the big picture girl.  i think broadly, abstractly, often looking towards what will happen next.  i don’t think i do enough to enjoy the exact moment that i am in.

or do as much with it as i could.

i still find myself trying desperately to make everything fit into the time that i’ve been given, yet waste time fretting about how to do it instead of digging deep and using each moment in the best way possible.

i worry instead.  i worry about how to do everything  perfectly, not realizing that by worrying i waste an opportunity to do something.

i don’t know if this will make any sense to anyone else, or if i’m just putting it out there in the hopes that it will make sense to me.

i feel certain that i have to just let go, let go of the micromanaging instinct, let go of the insecurities that tell me that i can’t do it, let go of the fear that i’ll fail, let go of wondering what will happen next, and just fall into whatever it is that is so clearly ahead of me.

(that seems like a weird hodgepodge of imagery to me, freefalling and being led down new paths, but it feels appropriate.)

that’s scary, you know?

but as i’m being reminded recently, you can’t be brave without being scared. and you can’t be brave without making the choice to be so.

that’s my new goal.  forget the goals about shred (i’m still doing it…) and chapters and dance classes and books to read.

i just want to be brave.  in every moment that i can muster it, and even in those when i’m not sure that i can, i want to be brave.  brave enough to choose action over inaction. brave enough to choose words over silence. brave enough to choose silence over panic.  brave enough to choose confidence over doubt, patience over frustration.

brave enough to choose me.

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