word of the freakin’ day.

thwart:

–verb, used with an object.

1. to oppose successfully; prevent from accomplishing a purpose.

2. to frustrate or baffle (a plan, a purpose, etc.).

in one particular area of my life, smooth sailing is the order of the day. i feel led, guided, protected, and shielded from opposition or most anything bad.  it’s beautiful and wonderful and amazing and mind-bogglingly awesome (in the truest sense of the word awesome rather than the bill and ted’s version of awesome).

i had been wondering where the opposition would come because, if you don’t know, there is opposition in all things.

and i’m not saying there hasn’t been some degree of opposition in this area, but comparatively speaking, it’s been so…not.

and i’m not chasing trouble. please don’t get me wrong. no trouble please. i like how things are and i have no fear that they will change, really.

but i’d been sort of looking around wondering when the opposition was going to come.

and then, walking in the steady drizzling rain to work, contemplating how i was going to accomplish everything that i have to accomplish today, feeling like i was the biggest failure in the world because no matter what i try to do i can’t manage to do it, i realized.

THERE IT IS.

in every other area of my life, i feel thwarted.

it’s such a good word.

stymied. stopped. frustrated.

the weight loss? at a complete standstill. part of that is lack of good sleep. part of that is that i’ve been cooking for two lately and, until about two days ago, didn’t really realize that i could incorporate really healthy stuff and it would go over fine.  also…how do guys eat so much and not gain any weight at all?  my gosh.  it’s insane, really.  so i mean i guess i have a plan there, but…that’s been a unique challenge.

exercise? i’m lucky if i manage to do anything, or so it feels. today is a perfect example. i wanted to go run stadiums today. that was my plan. that’s my plan for every thursday evening.  i did it last week and it was AMAZING. i loved it. today? raining. and i have 500000 things to do before i leave for a weekend wedding tomorrow at 0 dark o’clock.  so i’m thinking, how am i going to get a really good calorie burn? and i get so frustrated that i could cry because i just have done so not great at this lately. i miss it.  but i don’t know how to do it all and when it feels this hard to even do 24 minutes of shred, i’m just not brave enough sometimes to do it.  but i get scared that if i don’t, i’ll backslide.  and i can’t backslide. i’ve worked way way too hard.

dissertation? i got one thing done in the last two weeks when my goal was to finish an entire draft of a chapter.  and that one thing? took me like four hours total. and on that day when i was dedicated to doing it? interrupted continuously.  i interrupted myself to forage for food for us and that ended up taking like WAY longer than i thought it would (my own fault, but still…). just as i was getting back to working, my roommate needed me to go home and get something for her. as in drive home and get it and bring it to her on campus. she’d do the same for me at any moment, so i did it, but her request came just at the time when i wouldn’t be able to return to my studying place so i had to pack up all of my stuff and then restart somewhere else.  that’s a perfect example.

i just feel like, in most of my life, i am walking uphill in mud against a bracing wind. it’s exhausting.  i am desperately trying. i sometimes think i’m not, but would i be this frustrated if i wasn’t? i don’t know how to do it better–i genuinely don’t, not without giving up things i don’t want to give up–and i actually don’t know if i’m managing to do anything at all. i don’t know if i’m actually progressing, perhaps imperceptibly, or if i’m standing still.

describing all of this actually makes the complete ease of the other area of my life even more incredible by comparison, actually.  he is the shelter to these bracing winds.

maybe that’s the point.

i need a plan.

One Response to “word of the freakin’ day.”

  1. I so hear you on all of this – and thwarted is the perfect word for me and my life right now, too… GOOD LUCK, is all I can say!

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