Archive for March, 2009

conquering this day.

Posted in bridal diaries, dissertation, domestic goddess, etcetera, i am not a gym rat, i love my life, me, mirror mirror on the wall, perfect brightness of hope, the engaged life, the glass is half FULL on March 30, 2009 by drbolte

i woke up with hopes of getting a lot done today. i quickly felt daunted by how to do it all and fit it all in.  they’re all such disparate tasks–everything from stadium stairs/ramps and a mega cardio workout to harassing my apartment building into finally submitting the stuff for the new apartment to lighting a fire under my butt and starting the dissertation again to talking to my mom about the wedding and life and everything since i haven’t talked to her in a week–and it felt impossible to really do them all.

that’s a pretty common theme in my life. i do okay if in one day i am asked to do three things that are all common–laundry, clean the house, cook dinner–but if you ask me to use different skill sets, i start to wonder if it’s possible.

i’m not sure if that’s pretty universal. is it?  i’m not sure if i’ll ever get better at it.  will i?

but what i know is that when i start thinking that way, everything gets colored by the stress crayon and i start to see things in a completely skewed way. i don’t love it.

so here i am again, focusing on the positive.  and updating you.  see? i’m multitasking already.

1. found a dress this weekend.  it was the cheapest one that i tried on. it fit PERFECTLY. it was simple, elegant, and beautiful, it had everything that i wanted but never knew i imagined that i did want.  i can picture getting married in it.  and i cried a little. oh. and it’s on sale.  🙂 did i mention that i looked small?

2. found a reception site. it’s perfect. it has a really good homey feel to it–not too spread out and big, not too small.  it has hooks in the walls already so that we can hang lights and do all kinds of things.  we figured out how we want to set it up and it was an amazing feeling, planning the day with the  man that i love.

3. i went to the stadium this morning, even though i thought that i would skip it. success number one.  i burned 757 calories. success number two. i ran some, in several interval spurts, and i felt lighter on my feet than i really ever have.  no trudging, really.  success number three.

4. i’m about to go make this new apartment thing happen, since i’m tired of waiting on the incompetence of the world.

5. i’m not letting the fact that i am seriously and 100% plateaued with the weight loss freak me out too much.  all i can do is all i can do, right? i just REALLY want to be mega hott for my wedding.  all i can do is all i can do.

bridal diaries, chapter one: the argh factor turned into conscious SQUEEing.

Posted in bff, bridal diaries, faith is action, love thursdays, me, the engaged life, the glass is half FULL on March 26, 2009 by drbolte

so…just so you know, i’m going to be talking about my wedding some. i also hope to be talking about my dissertation some. i did something for that today for the first time in, oh, three weeks. so yay me.

but now we will discuss me being a bride because OH HAI I’M GETTING MARRIED IN FOUR AND SOMETHING MONTHS.


i’ve been stressed y’all. i’m not an idea girl. i don’t like to picture things. i, in fact, cannot picture things. if you ask me to, a little red ‘x’ takes the place of my pupils and i die.  it’s true. it’s tragic. it is what i refer to as spatial reasoning deficiency.

but boy howdy give me some details to work and i will think all the way through them, around them, up them, and down them, and then circle back around to make sure i didn’t miss a detail.

luckily, i’m marrying the quintessential Idea Man, so we’re doing okay in the planning department.

except for the decisions. oh the decisions. and really, when i woe-is-me about the decisions, i’m really talking about the food. and my dress. everything else, i’ve got. red and yellow. bridesmaids asked. flowers planned.

but the food. oh the food.  it’s expensive. there are tons of people. and i want everyone to be happy and blissful and it was causing me to degenerate into the meh monster.

wherein i go around saying MEH! to everything with a furrowed brow.

and don’tcha know…furrowed brow ain’t gonna get you nothing except wrinkles, a tension headache, and a serious attitude problem.

the dress is a whole other thing. i live in serious fear that i will find nothing that will look good on me. or that the dress that looks good on me will cost nine million dollars and thus i will be disappointed because i can’t buy a nine million dollar dress without, say, selling a kidney.

this fear was not aided by my first foray into dress shopping. i went by myself (first mistake, i think, because IT WAS OVERWHELMING TOO MANY DRESSES SO MUCH MONEY OHMYGOSH) and so i ended up, shortly after being directed to the outlet section, also known as the Den of Dingy Dresses that Won’t Fit and Are Ugly Anyways and Why Does It Smell Like That in Here?, i left having not put a single wedding dress on.

so…i’ve been a little stressed.


i decided today.

it’s my wedding.  i’m not allowed to be stressed. do you know why?  because i’m getting married here. to the man of my dreams.  and no matter whether we have meatballs or chicken salad sandwiches or a whole bunch of veggies at our reception, i’m still getting married.

so i’m consciously going to concentrate on the SQUEEE.

so, here are five reasons why today was awesome.

1. ribbon is on sale, three spools for $1.  this makes me utterly thrilled, and makes my bff laugh and say that i actually am going to do this wedding on $20.

2. i’m actually going to david’s bridal this weekend. by myself, probably, again…but i’m going.  and i’m not leaving until i try things on.  i should probably make an appointment…

3. i had to go across gainesville today before work.  i thought i’d be late. i wasn’t. yay!

4. i shredded. level 3. again. i did it better. i even have carpet burns from crazy plank to ab hold positions (weird…). at first, i was angry because the scale jumped up again and it seems like i will NEVEREVEREVER be out of this plateau. but then i realized. i finished jillian michaels’s level 3.  i am feeling muscles i have never felt before.  this is all good and will make me even cuter than i was before.  yay me.

5. i am consciously choosing the happy. and i can feel the power of that choice.

end of chapter one. i’ve got a concert to go to for an amazing trombone-playing hottie who loves me for me.  🙂

details. details. details.

Posted in bff, i love my life, magic, superheckyes, the engaged life on March 24, 2009 by drbolte

i’m a detail girl.

i love the idea of finding ribbon in yellow and red, arranging bouquets, even making cheap corsages for the moms.  i love that junk.

but ask me to conceptualize what the place will look like, or how to manage the food, or how to get everything done?

i want to die a little inside.

but that’s neither here nor there because you want shmaltzy proposal details, don’t you?

well, here you go.

we’d been talking about getting married for a while. we’d looked at rings. i fell in love with one, which made it pretty easy on the bff.  i knew he’d ordered the ring.  i knew when it was supposed to get here.

it didn’t come on the day that i thought/wanted/desperately hoped that it would.

i cried.  stupid, maybe, but i SO wanted to be engaged.  it wasn’t a silly girly desire to be engaged. it was that we were already planning and thinking and talking and i just wanted to TELL SOMEONE.  but i couldn’t, really. or wouldn’t.  not until it was official and everyone important to us knew.

so. wednesday sucked.

(also? completely PMSing. i think i wrote about it. now you know why i thought i was insane.)

thursday i woke up feeling less crazy and infinitely more peaceful.  i knew it was going to be that day. i don’t know how i knew. i just did.  and even though the bff did all he could to make me think it wasn’t going to be that day (he hadn’t been home all day–BUSY day for both of us–and we checked his mail together…and there was nothing), i just knew.  i doubted a little when there wasn’t anything in the mailbox.  maybe, i thought, i was going to have to be patient.

patience is a virtue that i am being tutored in, don’tcha know.  so it wouldn’t have been outside the realm of possiblity.  but just like with most things lately with my relationship with the bff, i just knew. i knew what was happening before it was happening–up to a point.

we went to the playground.  the bff had sort of danced around what i wanted in a proposal ages earlier. i didn’t tell him, but in my mind…that’s what i thought. i didn’t want a big scene somewhere–that would just be embarrassing. i wanted it to be there, at that place we call our own.

when we arrived at our playground, there were couples everywhere. okay, maybe there were three. but it seemed crowded. so instead of stopping at the first set of swings, we went to the swings in the back of the park. we swung (swang?) for a while until i started to get motion sick.

oh yeah, kids. my proposal story features nausea.  would it be a story with me in it if it wasn’t tinged with the ridiculous?

so we stopped swinging and walked back toward the merry-go-round…which is our favorite. but the idea of sitting on one more dizzying, moving piece of equipment made my stomach lurch a little, so instead we sat on the platforms between the slides.  it was high but solid and i started to feel better.

as we were walking towards the slides, i began to think that maybe it wasn’t going to happen.  i remember specifically thinking to myself: “i am determined to make this an awesome night with him no matter what happens.” i didn’t want to be disappointed anymore. i just wanted to enjoy these precious moments at my favorite place with my absolute favorite person.

we began talking a little bit about our day and what we’d done when the bff told me that he’d written me a poem. i asked if i was going to get to see it, and he said that he had it with him, in his pocket.

that’s when i knew for sure.

so by the light of oncoming headlights (and NOT his cell phone, which i suggested might be an additional light option but which, only later did i learn, he dismissed because he knew he was going to need two hands), he read me the most beautiful poem that he wrote about me.

then he got down on one knee, pulled the ring out, and asked me to spend forever with him. the ring sparked in the tiny amounts of light.

i said yes without any hesitation.

then i cried.

because when your dreams come completely true, sometimes it hits you how amazingly blessed you are.  and when things are more perfect than you could have ever imagined, despite how dizzyingly imperfect you are, it hits you that life is sometimes kind and Heavenly Father loves us more than anyone can ever fathom.

so that’s my story.

i’m marrying my best friend, the person who has changed my life the most, the person who makes me braver and stronger than i ever thought i could be just because he believes in me, on august 8th.

i’m happily exchanging the single life for something much different, with its own set of challenges and joys and excitements and frustrations.  so, i guess i’ll christen a new category too.  for now it’ll be “the engaged life.” i’ll think of something more creative for august 9th.

thanks for all of your good wishes and heartfelt congratulations. i have been inundated with love and it’s been marvelous.  i’m excited, already crazed with wedding planning, and maybe the tiniest bit nervous (but not much) about married life.

but mainly? i’m just exquisitely happy.

love is forever.

Posted in bff, i love my life, love thursdays, superheckyes, the glass is half FULL, wish i may wish i might on March 20, 2009 by drbolte

i’m getting married.

let’s all take a moment, shall we?


i would say finally, because i have waited a VERY LONG TIME, or so it seems, for this day. but oddly, it doesn’t feel like a finally moment. it instead feels like all of the waiting, working, wondering, wishing, praying, hoping, and moving forward in faith was absolutely worth it.

i’d do it all again in a heartbeat.

he is worth the wait.

a friend, who i haven’t spoken to in a while, asked me how i knew it was right.  this is what i told her.

just the way it happened…it had a life of its own, but not in that really crazy manic way. just in a slow, steady, full of the Spirit, you know already where it’s going but it’s happening in its own time way.

we are partners.

we slipped really quickly into roles that we thought that we would not be good at, but we are together.  he makes everything easier for me and challenges me at the same time.  i love who i am around him.  he quiets the chaos of the world for me, and makes it easier to face life.

he makes me laugh.

we are best friends, at the core of everything, and we also have chemistry and are crazy in love.

it never occurred to me that it wasn’t right because everything about it is good.

and the way it happened–very slowly, very deliberately, very clearly orchestrated by Someone other than me–made it pretty clear as well.

and finally, i can’t imagine a day without him in it.

i am getting married.

can i get a WOOT up in here?

stories, details, and plans later. i promise.

and it descends…like something scary that descends.

Posted in books are bliss, drama drama drama, going quietly mad, Life, me, wish i may wish i might, you have to be a chick to understand on March 19, 2009 by drbolte

sometimes i really hate being a girl.

or maybe i just hate recognizing that once a month, like clockwork, i go irrational. completely, fruit-loopy, mood-swingy, irrational.

before, maybe i just did it and didn’t realize it.  now i recognize it, am completely self-aware, and yet seem to have little power to pull myself completely out of it.  so lately, i’ve just been trying to internalize it and minimize the collateral damage.

funny thing about that. it causes this whole internal drama that nobody really knows about. they think everything’s fine.  i feel insecure, crazy, and ready to lose my mind.

for about forty eight to sixty hours. then it blows over.

but in the meantime, it has the enveloping power of blindness. let me explain.  AMAZING things have happened in the last couple of days. all of them are answers to prayers.

perfect apartment found and applied for. check.

bff got two job interviews, both of which could be amazing and both of which he’ll be stellar at.  check.

i randomly sent my resume to a private school in the area and got an email back saying that they think i would be a perfect match for their school and while they may only have a part-time position open (three classes), they’d very much like to meet with me.  money? a job? people who want me and think i’m qualified? check.

and yet…i feel meh.  i cry about stupid crap that doesn’t matter, disappointments that are so ridiculously temporary. i worry about things that are stupid and irrational.  i beat myself up for not following through on my insane plan to get up after 4ish hours of sleep and go do megacardio at the gym at 7 a.m. i don’t cut myself any slack while at the same time i get selfish. i stop being grateful and start being greedy for what i want when i want it.

(that’s never a good sign, by the way.)

and for all the attempts to shake myself out it–and i am good at it most times–i find myself having to do it over and over and over again. it’s exhausting. i’m very tired.

i’m ready for the crazy to leave again.  but until then, i may find a little patch of sunny grass, a blanket, and a book and stay there for a while.

reasons why today is definitely NOT sucking.

Posted in bff, domestic goddess, faith is action, i love my life, perfect brightness of hope, superheckyes, the glass is half FULL on March 18, 2009 by drbolte

if you’re my friend on facebook, you know that i had a lead on a RIDICULOUSLY cheap apartment ($395 a month for a one bedroom) that wasn’t actually in the scary gang-infested, graffiti-laden, i-can’t-possibly-be-home-alone-without-a-really-big-dog-or-a-loaded-gun ghetto.

(and, yes, i looked there. and yes, i was afraid. and, yes, maybe that makes me less of a person but whatever.)

it was a miracle that i found it, randomly, one night at 2 a.m. when i felt inspired–no, a better word is impressed–to check around for apartments. see, my lease is up in august and i need a place to live and i need it to not cost $100 million because, you know, i’ll be out of school soon and so will have to start paying the student loans back and i don’t have a job yet.

so, you know, the cheap apartments are top on my priority list.  being not homeless is also one of them.

when i found this place, it seemed perfect.  had been recently renovated, had pictures of the inside, and the address to drive by it so that i could see that it wasn’t in the scary ghetto…just in the rundown ghetto. which i am totally down with, jeans and flip flop and lower middle class aspiration girl that i am.

so i made an appointment  to see it.  and in the 36 hours between when i saw the outside and i got to see the inside, i was worried. wouldn’t EVERYONE jump on this deal? wouldn’t this be just the hugest hottest commodity on the gville real estate market? wouldn’t EVERYONE want to see it?

so i went today, with the bff, to see it.

and it was PERFECT.

closets for miles. i’m serious. one entire wall of the apartment, almost from front door to back wall, is closets.  with deep shelves. a storage closet, for all of your miscellaneous cleaning tools.  an enormous linen closet with heaps of deep shelves. two closets in the bedroom, with hanging rails AND shelves.  i mean seriously. it could not have been more perfect.

the carpet is beige and relatively new and in really good shape.  the place had a good vibe, was clean, and had lots of light.

it felt like it could be home really easily. i really really want to make it a home.

the worst thing about it? was a really, really old oven.

and seriously? if that’s the worst thing about it?  i can completely deal.

so the real estate guy was all “you don’t want to make a decision now…think about it and come by the office and fill out an application.” and i was like “uhm…applications are done. can i write you a check for the fee?”

and then i asked the golden question: how many people had looked at it?

we were the first.

and, here’s hoping, the last.

it’s an answer to many a prayer, and i am SO grateful.

so that’s checked off.  moving on to the next challenge.  and boy howdy do i have some coming up…

insert appropriate title here, because dangit…i’m too tired.

Posted in bff, disney princesses got nothin' on me, domestic goddess, faith is action, family, forward my mail, i love my life, Life, me, the joys of living in Florida on March 16, 2009 by drbolte

what’d i do over the past week and a half? lemme break it down for y’all.

(and, yeah, some of it was countryfied. but wait for it. that’s when it gets good.)

  • went to a wedding in miami at the ritziest hotel i’ve ever been to…and realized that ritzy weddings and places just really creep me out. i am, as i told the bff, a jeans and flip flops girl. having a carving station and a pasta chef on hand during your COCKTAIL HOUR? wayyyyy over the top.
  • that said, i realized that i really do love weddings.  i just love temple weddings more.
  • won over the bff’s aunt in a BIG way (she said to the bff, and i quote but only secondhand because obviously i wasn’t there because how creeptastic would THAT be?, “so…your girl…i REALLY like her.” FOR.THE.WIN.  doesn’t suck that i totally loved her too.
  • wore my new outfit which was super sassy and managed to keep my lipstick on all night (thank you longlasting lipstick and that i finally figured out how to actually MAKE it longlasting).
  • got like three hours of sleep and then drove for 11 hours. and by drove, i mean intended to drive but almost killed us in georgia so only drove for one of those eleven hours because the bff is one hundred percent a prince among men. and i was dead on my feet.
  • spent sunday night through friday morning in nc.  went to grandfather mountain for the day on wednesday. but basically just spent every waking moment with the bff…and we didn’t even get tired of each other.  that’s amazing right there.
  • played wii for the first time. results? i SUCK at tennis. i WIN at boxing. knocked my cousin out. tko. take that, sucka.
  • i now very very very much want one. and a wii fit. because boxing? made me feel my arm muscles the next day. because i actually box.  and it’s actually hecka fun.
  • went to keaton beach on friday, after stopping in gainesville only long enough to shower and get ready to see the bff’s family again.
  • on saturday, i did the following things for the first time: participated in a hunt (didn’t shoot anything, but helped put out the quail for the hunt); watched quail being cleaned and wasn’t even the least bit grossed out (even though the guy who was cleaning them literally stopped and was going to wait for me to pass by because he thought that i would be grossed out.  what’d i do instead? watched him do it for like ten minutes. oddly fascinating, i think.  judge me if you must.); fished in the Gulf of Mexico (according to the bff, i’m pretty good) and caught a blowfish, which we promptly threw back, and part of an oyster bed, which i will bleach and keep as a memento of my awesome); rode on a fourwheeler (wow, was that awesome let me just tell you); DROVE a fourwheeler (got up to 43 mph thankyouverymuch).

other things happened and are happening and i really do want to talk about them but i can’t just yet which i know just makes you want to punch me in the face but i just can’t yet.

suffice it to say that it was an amazing spring break, full of big and small blessings on my right hand and on my left, and i’m sad to see it end.

real life sucks, but it’s here.

so i go grocery shopping and i try to recover from what is either the beginnings of a sickness or a serious reaction to the yellow coating of pollen that is covering every surface i encounter and i look for apartments for the fall and i apply for jobs and i try to figure out how everything will get done and i pray for strength and in the meantime i am so blessed that it’s not even funny.

i’ll never be able to show enough gratitude. i know it.

maybe knowing it is enough?

if you’re reading the signs, the arrows point to AWESOME.

Posted in bff, books are bliss, disney princesses got nothin' on me, etcetera, faith is action, forward my mail, i am not a gym rat, i love my life, me, superheckyes, teaching on March 6, 2009 by drbolte

so, not like i’m around here that much anyways (sorry! sort of! i really do want to write more! i promise!), but i’ll be off during spring break.  going to orlando tonight, then to miami for a wedding with the bff’s family, then to north carolina for some snow excursions (possibly tubing, possibly just enjoying the mountains…we’ll see…we’ll only be there for a day, so there’s not much time for me to try to learn to snowboard and not suck at it) and meeting my family and doing some other fun things, then back to florida for a bff family gettogether at their hunting/fishing property up north. i may or may not get the chance to drive/ride on a four-wheeler this weekend.  that’s exciting.


i have been praying steadily for lots of confidence, peace, and assurance lately.  i need to not be nervous this weekend–i need to just be myself.  that’s hard when you feel like a fat blob, which is how i’ve been feeling lately, and like a giant failure.  so this week, i’ve been working at being confident.  let me tell you what’s happened thus far.

  • on wednesday, i went looking for shoes for the wedding outfit (i think i originally thought about getting some dressy flipflops because of my toe but BEHOLD i can wear certain shoes! hooray!) and i found these. you can’t tell me those aren’t awesome.  and the best part? they actually DON’T HURT.  and they’re sassy, tall, but don’t make me taller than the bff.  YES.
  • i went to old navy on that same day to take advantage of the $19 jean sale.  i went in there thinking that i would be buying one size, but then they were way too big.  i tried on the next size down and originally thought that they were too small.  but then i sat down…and they didn’t ride down (which on me is the surest sign that something is WAY too small…doesn’t contain my butt) and then i looked at my butt in the mirror. and sweet heck if it didn’t look GOOD.  heaven bless some snug-fitting jeans.  i think maybe it’s been so long since pants have actually fit well on me that i’m not sure what it looks like anymore.  oh, and i found a cami for $5 that i’d been looking for/needing and a pink shirt that’s ADORABLE and looks amazing with the jeans.  on the clearance rack.
  • i finished the draft of the dorothy wordsworth chapter. it’s short, but it’s done and i’m glad.  when i sent it to the director? sweet woman that she is congratulated me on finishing before spring break and didn’t once mention that i had set an original deadline of A MONTH AND A HALF AGO.  i love that woman.
  • remember the job in Jax? the commute four days a week for a decent amount of money?  guess who just got offered a job to teach a British novel course during summer b HERE in g’ville?  yep. that’s right.  i get to teach it.  and i don’t have to commute.  and i will probably get paid more.  and, given the crazy that will be going on this summer, it is the hugest blessing ever.
  • i kicked the gym’s trash this morning. got up at 7:30.  got there.  crossramped. ran for about 8 minutes on my foot.  could probably have gone longer but i had tons to do this morning to get ready to go.  burned 600 calories.  got outside and got a parking ticket but didn’t even care very much because today? i needed to feel like i could conquer the world.

i think it’s going to be an amazing week.

reunited…and it feels like pain.

Posted in i am not a gym rat on March 4, 2009 by drbolte

remember how i told you that me and jillian were breaking up for a while? that the shred had lost its luster, that i was tired of seeing her face every day and hearing her tell me that if i wanted results, they weren’t coming for free?


we’re back together.

here’s why. i want to boot camp my butt for the next five months. i want to reach my goal by august…or be DARN close.  i have thirty pounds to lose. any suggestions?

so…jillian’s back on heavy rotation. today, for example, even though i know that i’m going to want to die after level 2, i will be attempting level 1 as well.

the toe is managing quite well. although, i sort of wonder. sometimes the bruising seems completely gone. and then other times…bam. it’s back.  is it the lighting? or is it possible that when i am aggressive on my foot, it actually does rebruise?  i don’t know.

that’s neither here nor there. because despite the fact that i can’t really wear shoes other than flip flops and my sneakers (double socked foot, taped toe, broken-in sneakers), i am attempting to shred like a fiend and work out even more.  i did level 2 yesterday (without the jumping jacks. i just can’t make myself do them yet. i loathe them SO much) and woke up this morning feeling muscles that i didn’t know i still had.

welcome back, jillian. welcome back.

squee updated.

Posted in Uncategorized on March 2, 2009 by drbolte

nothing amazing happened. no extraordinary event happened.

i just love this boy with my whole heart and some days it feels like a true miracle that i am with him and that he loves me just as much.

so that just makes me SQUEE! a little. which, of course, is an expression of delight.

thank you for wanting to know. thank you for sharing it with me. thank you for letting me talk about the things that are floating through my head. thank you for sticking around.

i promise that when/if big things happen, i’ll update you. but honestly? most of you will already know because…hello…text messages. 🙂