Archive for April, 2009

bridal diaries: choose your own adventure. or, in other words, help me think about these decisions.

Posted in bridal diaries, etcetera, the engaged life on April 28, 2009 by drbolte


wanna help me make some wedding decisions?

so…the first topic is the cake.  originally, we were going to do all cupcakes. we were going to make them or find friends to make them for us to cut down on costs.  the cupcake idea wasn’t to cut down on costs. the cupcake idea was because that’s what we wanted.  but as time progressed and we realized what a huge deal that was going to be, we decided to order the cupcakes from costco. yummy, affordable, cute.


enter bff’s great-aunt-type-person who announces at easter that she spent her entire college career making wedding cakes and would love to make us one. cue the happy mothers, who always looked askance at our cupcake plan, thinking that it would probably be better if a) we had a regular, traditional cake (this has been a fairly common theme in our nontraditional/DIY/we just want to have a fun party celebration and also do things ourselves) or b) have a little cake at the top to do the traditional cake cutting thing at the reception.


so we’ve talked about it and think that the little cake is probably a fine plan.

but now enters the cake topper dilemma.

see, with cupcakes? you do NOTHING.  just a big tier of awesome cupcakes which people, when they see them, think is awesome and just want to eat.  they don’t expect a weird figurine of a bride and a groom on the top of a two-inch cone cake.

but on a top tier cake? i’m thinking it might look strange with NOTHING on it.

so, i went abrowsing on the internets.

these are the things i DON’T want: 1) traditional and cheesy white bride and black tuxedoed groom and 2) something that you pay money for and just then never use again and/or has no sentimental value and/or is a waste of money.

so…i found these.  i think i know which one i prefer, but i’d love to hear what you would think about these on top of a small cake (i’m hoping white with yellow and red polka dots made out of fondant) on top of a tier of yellow and red cupcakes with (probably) white circular confetti sprinkles.

there’s this one:


why i like it: i collect willow tree, so it would actually fit into something that would already exist in our home/on our dresser. plus, it’s incredibly sweet. i mean, look at it.

why i worry: it’s a figurine. it’s big. and in no way does it look like a cake topper.

and then there’s this:

4198-xl why i like it: it’s CLASSY looking, not traditional at all, has our names on it (which we really haven’t done), and can be something to display in our home later.  it would have our date on it and that’s nice.

why i worry: it’s frickin’ huge.  and will it be too heavy? and is it just not as classy as i think?

what do you think?

also…if you were going to a wedding and were going to get little organza favor bags on your table full of some kind of hard candy (because it will be august and chocolate melts and it’s expensive too), what candy would you like?  please don’t say jordan almonds, because those things are gross and cheesy and i’m NOT DOING IT.

alright virtual wedding guests…don’t let me down.

updated. that’s you.

Posted in dissertation, holy smartness batman, me on April 28, 2009 by drbolte

chapter 4 has gone through the first, and usually the most painful, stage of revisions–the director’s cut.

it is now complete and in her hands once more. i have clarified and bumped up the thesis, expanded in some areas where it needed expanding and have chosen not to expand in others because it is my chapter and i’ll expand if i want to, added in some KILLER criticism (including, unexpectedly but rather serendipitously, an article by my director!), and constructed a works cited page that was quite a bit longer than i thought it would be.

for those of you keeping score at home, that’s four of five chapters complete.

that’s about one hundred and fifty pages.  this one is by far the shortest.  i’m not really surprised, since i feel like i’m losing steam.

one more left.  i am aiming for may to be the month when i actually get this beast done.

(excluding the introduction and conclusion, of course, which won’t be touched until after i’m married for a month or so probably unless a) i miraculously speed through my last chapter and feel inclined to tackle the introduction or b) i’m INSANE and just decide to work on it during summer b anyways even though i’ll have two seriously demanding teaching jobs and a wedding to plan.  yeah. like i said. not happening.)

i’m not sure what it will be like to have EVERYTHING drafted. to actually have all of my chapters complete.  what will that be like?

regardless, today i met my goals. tomorrow i hope to do the same.  it’s rather a good feeling. definitely a unique one for me, that’s for sure.

hello goodbye.

Posted in bridal diaries, etcetera, faith is action, i love my life, the engaged life, the joys of living in Florida on April 27, 2009 by drbolte

so i’ve lived here for almost five years.

let’s all stop and go WOAH, shall we?

because in that five years many many many things have changed.  i have changed.  the world has changed. but mainly, i have changed. and since this is my blog, you’ve probably heard me talk about that a time or two. i don’t really think you can go through the phd process and lose 130 pounds and find the love of your life, hope he really is the love of your life, keep hoping for a long time while dating people who weren’t the love of your life, and then see all of your dreams come true without changing a little bit.

unless you’re deeply unselfaware or perfect.  and i am neither so there you go.

but it’s almost may. and here in gville, that means it’s graduation time.  and unlike a lot of the other mays that i’ve been in gville, this may brings with it a nearly stunning exodus of many of the people who have populated my stage for so many years. both of my roommates are graduating.  a bunch of the people that i genuinely like are leaving. it’s a strange, strange feeling.

because, actually, i’m kind of graduating too.

in my church, we have congregations solely comprised of young single adults. while i have been a trifle bit beyond the age ceiling of that designation for a while now (but i was leaving anyway, so i stuck around), they serve single adults from 18 to 30 and are an awesome way to be able to meet people who are in similar circumstances to you. once you get married or get too old for the congregation, you move on to more traditional ward (that’s what we call the congregations).  i have loved my ward and have really seen it change a lot over the years.

there’s nothing wrong with change.  i like the ebb and flow of it.  new people come in, people get married and move on to exciting new things.

but this time, somehow it’s different. i feel a little bit of sadness to see all of these people move on, even though i know that i too will be starting a life entirely different from the one that i have known for so long.  i know these things. i am excited for these changes.  i am not scared about getting married, not really very nervous about the changes that it will bring.

maybe, though, somewhere deep in my heart, doors are closing. they should be. it’s natural. but i always have these moments when, faced with a future i’m not familiar with and a past that i am, i look back with a hint of nostalgia at what i’m leaving behind.  i always do.

my apartment will be packed up.  one roommate is almost gone, the other will be about a week before i move.  girls that i have taken under my wing are now flying away, off to start their amazing lives.

and i am getting married.

i am very grateful for all of the people who have made my life in gville so much awesome.  i am grateful that some of them will still be around, that i will get to make new friends (probably “couple” friends…weird…), that i will have a new life that i’ve only ever dreamed of.

with all of this, i guess i say goodbye to my old life and hello to my new one.  in really concrete tangible ways which are only now starting to feel very real, as i contemplate what to move and what not to move and begin to prepare for my summer jobs.

that’s weird and awesome and mindboggling and sad…all at the same time.

hey wait. didn’t we pass that tree about a mile back?

Posted in bff, blogging, bridal diaries, c, i am not a gym rat, i promise you that you won't care, me, mirror mirror on the wall, the engaged life, the glass is half FULL on April 24, 2009 by drbolte

if you’ve been around for a while (and so many of you have! thank you! you’re wonderful!), you know that it was about this time last year when the blog went all fitness-y.

meaning, it’s about this time when i joined MyFoodDiary (the best thing ever, btw, if you’re looking for a way to keep track of your calories…) and started exercising like i meant it.  and as a result, i started posting ALL! SORTS! OF! EPIPHANIES! about endorphins and muscles i never knew existed and all sorts of things that really probably was of no interest to anyone else but me.

why do i bring this up now?

because…i feel it coming on again.

because the only thing i’ve felt inclined to post over the past few days were updates on what my body has been doing, since mainly my mind has been occupied with two things: getting off my butt and taking care of the sick bff.

today’s update? before my new nikes reared their ugly “you haven’t broken me in so you REALLY should have double socked” heads, i ran the winding ramp at the stadium, sprinted up a shorter straight ramp, ran a lap around the stadium, did one endzone stairs running, and did a bit of walking as well. i’d never really experienced that lung burning thing that everyone talks about.  i know what it feels like now.

see? kind of the same deal as last spring, except OHMYGOSHI’MRUNNING.  if it weren’t for my lungs burning, i could have kept going.  my legs didn’t hurt. neither did my knees.  i felt like i had a good solid pace.  and did i mention that i did all of this without my ipod, which i forgot at home?  yeah. i think i win.

so that’s your update.  kind of boring, i know.  seems like my mind is on one-track.

although, i will say that, since everyone asks me how wedding plans are coming every time they see me, that i am completely and eerily aware of the fact that i am currently existing in the calm before a MASSIVE storm. know what’s going on this summer?  well, i have about four or five days to get my chapter revisions (part one) done. then i have about a month to get my last chapter drafted before the chaos descends. in may, during the time when i will be writing said last chapter (not counting the introduction and the conclusion), i will be working two days a week at the RWC and doing a fairly intensive training class for my new (hopefully) job as an online instructor.  may is also invitation month.  we have to get those out pretty soon, and since we’re doing them ourselves, we need to get that going pretty soon.  and then there’s registering and picking up my dress and figuring out the whole alterations thing and you see where i’m going with this.

so maybe having a simplistic one-track mind right now is a blessing.  maybe then i can actually get things done before the world in general explodes.

but maybe the exploding world will result in much more interesting stories.  until then…just hang with me.

ps. i also just saw that bride wars comes out on dvd on tuesday. despite my rather sharply constrained budget, i may buy that movie and watch it every week to remind myself that the thing that is important is LOVE. not cakes. or highlights. or tans. or anything else.

update on cxxvii: magic shoes.

Posted in c, etcetera, faith is action, fall is football, gators, i am not a gym rat, me, mirror mirror on the wall, the glass is half FULL on April 23, 2009 by drbolte

i went to rack room and bought some nikes.

they are pure magic.

know how i know?

9 minute 20 second miles on the crossramp.  doing intervals.

but whaaa?!?

also, while i was at said gym, i watched ESPN a little. and when i was watching ESPN? i saw a story about how percy harvin may have tested positive for pot at the february nfl draft dealio.

yeah, good job there percy.

(idiot. if it’s true. but even if it’s not, they spent a copious amount of time talking about how he lives in a little something called percy land, where he thinks everything is about him. that’s gotta suck. plus…i think it’s true.)

so i crossramped for 6.5 miles and 63 minutes and i think i’ll go to the stadium tonight.

go me.

it’s amazing how much happier i feel and how much more at home in my own skin i feel when i’m full of endorphins. it was an extraordinary difference yesterday afternoon.  why don’t i remember that more often?

i hope stadiums go as well.  i like working hard for something.  i hope i remember that as well.

cxxviii: yo-yo freakshow.

Posted in c, etcetera, faith is action, i am not a gym rat, me, mirror mirror on the wall on April 22, 2009 by drbolte

so i’ve been slacking seriously on the weight loss front.

stop. that’s not true. that’s part of the problem, that attitude right there.

i have been incredibly hard on myself about what i’ve been doing and not doing. what have i not been doing? exercising as often as i was pre-november. gosh, i wonder why. what have i been doing? eating pretty much whatever i want whenever i want but doing it in such a way as to maintain the weight loss that i have worked so hard for.

that’s actually quite extraordinary, considering i’ve been cooking more, making way more desserts, and eating foods that i don’t normally eat.  or didn’t normally eat.


but what i’ve been incredibly frustrated with is that i’ve been losing and gaining the same three pounds. i never really get above that one marker that i consider my end-all be-all point of no return. well, that’s a lie. i did once. but i kicked it into high gear and brought it back down. but for the past two months or so, it’s been a see-saw.  that ever-present number, then down three pounds to the happy progress! oh my gosh! i’ve broken my plateau! number.

and then back to the ever-present number.

my body is clearly very happy at this number. i, however, am not.

that’s not to say that i am not happy with my body and where it is. it’s much smaller than it’s ever been, and i’m happy with that. but that number…it has to go down.  i have a goal, yes, and it’s a realistic goal.  but i have to crack this final threshold number. i’m being necessarily vague, but it’s a big one. and when i crack it, i never ever ever want to go above it again unless there’s a fetus inside of me. and even then, i better be in my third trimester.

(oh wow. i’m talking about babies. and it’s an actual possibility soon. WEIRD.)

but that number.  oh how i hate it. i don’t remember when the last time was that i was below it.  i’m not sure i have been below it anytime since about the 6th or 7th grade.  i know i was definitely above it in the 8th grade, so…there you go.

but what i realized today, and this may come as no shock whatsoever to you but it was a bit of a revelation to me, is that i can’t have it both ways. i can maintain while eating the way i am. that’s essentially the life that i am living.  i am living the maintenance lifestyle. if that’s what i want, if that’s where i’m happy, then that’s what i can do.

but that’s not what i want.

i feel like, in a lot of areas in my life, i am coming out of a bit of a rest period. i’m back to working on my dissertation, but with an urgency of finishing that i haven’t yet felt. i just want to be done. i think i’m getting to the point where, because i can begin to see glimmers of light at the end of the tunnel, i am willing to work as hard as necessary, sleep as little as possible, give up man vs. food and deadliest catch (yes, those are my favorite tv shows shut up) in order to think about dorothy wordsworth and mary wollstonecraft and helen maria williams.

i realized today that if what i REALLY want is to lose this weight, i have to act like it. i have to put myself first sometimes, sacrifice some things now (like an hour’s worth of cuddle time or two hours of gilmore girls and bones and laying on my bed) in order to get what i want.  once i get there, it’s not like it will go away. but it will be maintenance. and that’s different.

i am apparently very good at maintenance, which makes me really happy.

but in the meantime, it’s time to kick it into higher gear. to work hard for what i want instead of expecting that everything will just come my way.

so my goal today? go buy new shoes so that the impact of the stuff that i am doing (stadium stairs, running, high impact workouts) stops hurting my joints.  then? go to the gym. do some crossramp intervals.  remind myself that a) i CAN do this and b) i LOVE doing this.  it makes my world sort itself back together.

instead of feeling like a lump of blech, i feel like i can conquer the world.

i need to conquer the world.

it all may seem very simplistic, but sometimes the very simple things are the things that are hardest to understand.  working is good. some days i want everything to come to me without any real effort on my part.  that doesn’t make much sense, does it? how can i feel the true joy and accomplishment of something if i haven’t worked hard at it?

so…time to go to work again.  i’m kind of excited. that’s weird.  but good.  but weird.

i like that.

third interview. good grief, can i get a JOB already?

Posted in etcetera, going quietly mad, Life, me, perfect brightness of hope, someday I'll be a real middle class girl, teaching on April 21, 2009 by drbolte

so i went on a third interview this morning at 8:30 a.m.

yes, i got up at 7 a.m. for the first time in i legitimately don’t know how long unless it was when i had to wake up at like 3 a.m. to go to arizona.  or when i had to wake up at 5:30 to go to orlando.

okay, so maybe it’s not that rare of an occurrence, but it felt like it so i was impressed with myself.

(but you don’t have to be.)

i got there on time and i guess i felt fairly confident.  i had done very well in the previous two interviews, really quickly striking up a camaraderie with the two other interviewers which put me at ease and made it feel really like it was just a good solid conversation. this one wasn’t quite as easy, but by the end i felt solidly like he liked me.

i think it’s a good sign when they start talking about the position as if it was already yours (i.e. you’d be an advisor, etc.). i had grand and probably misplaced hopes that somehow, miraculously, it would turn into a full-time teaching position, but those were fairly substantially rubbed out today. i’m not upset. i think part time will be good so that i can still work elsewhere/get my dang dissertation done.

as i was thinking back over the interview as i was driving home, i realized that i think the turning point for me was when i spoke fairly passionately about how when you’re teaching middle school, you’re teaching not just subject matter but how to be a citizen, an adult, a person in the world.  that you have to model the behaviors that you hope that your students will adopt. that it’s okay to apologize to a parent when you’ve done something stupid or shortsighted–that, in fact, that can be the best thing to do.  that these middle school years are some of the best and most important years of a child’s life.

and i wasn’t being at all insincere. i genuinely believe all of that, and i really very much want to put into practice the things that i talked about.

now if only they would just give me the chance.  i understand why this process has been long and protracted–i have learned very much about myself and about leaning on the Lord and about developing my faith–but i am growing tired. not fearful. i know everything will work out. i’m just tired. i would like to have some things resolved sooner rather than later.

there are many details to be taken care of…i hope this one resolves itself very soon.

and in my favor.

keep your fingers crossed. keep the prayers coming.


pinch me.

Posted in bff, bridal diaries, superheckyes, the engaged life on April 17, 2009 by drbolte

there are reasons why you shouldn’t watch “say yes to the dress” and look at the pictures you took at the bridal shop when you chose your dress when you’re home alone on friday night.

but i did it tonight, just to make sure that it’s all real.

to remind myself that, yes, i’m really getting married.

that this guy loves me enough to choose me every day until forever.

because what happens? then you end up buying love songs on itunes and writing sappy blog posts and desperately trying not to text the man in question while he’s off having fun with his jazz band and you’re at home changing your sheets and sorting your laundry and cleaning out your closet.

even in the midst of all of this mundane work, i live a dream.

sometimes i just have to remember how amazing that is. and that it’s all real.

it makes me cry a little.  so does this song, though it’s admittedly not the best video of it.

bridal diaries part three: where i realize that maybe now i’m selfish?

Posted in bridal diaries, me, the engaged life on April 17, 2009 by drbolte

so…i was looking at my facebook page realizing that i had not responded really at all to the MANY well-wishers who posted congrats about the engagement on my page.

(really, i was trying to think of what to say in my status update that WASN’T “carrie misses him” because bff is gone for the weekend, and he’s really not even been gone for like two hours and i’m already feeling blue.  pathetic, really, and i realized it which is why i was wracking my brain trying to come up with something pithy and twitterific.  obviously, since this was a long-winded explanation for one little bit of my blog post, i am failing miserably at brevity.)

does that mean i’m selfish?

i’m feeling like i live in my own world lately. it’s a world that i love very much and don’t really want to change much, and i suppose that it’s part of the process, but i’m beginning to feel like maybe people are looking at me like i am the super selfish bridal beast who doesn’t care at all about them and only cares about herself.

which is NOT TRUE! I PROMISE! but i am lately quite terrible at the phone and email and facebook thing, if only because i don’t have much time on my own and in that time that i do have alone it is usually jampacked with things like working out, showering, sleeping, and working.  otherwise? i’m with the bff and/or fulfilling other responsibilities that keep me pretty busy.

(and let’s be real. i’m engaged and all in love and yes it might be pukey to you cynics, but really it’s just life right now. i’m not at all sure that it will change much once i get married (i sincerely hope not) but it might have to get a little better since you know i have to figure out how to include others in my life.)

i don’t know. i guess i’m posing a bloggy question to my bloggy friends: should i feel bad? do you feel neglected, friends? do you understand that i’m crazy busy? am i mean when i have a boyfriend, as i was told by one friend? am i being unkind?

i am asking.  i am not entirely sure i want to hear the answers, but…i’m asking.

if exhaustion was a biscuit, and i was a little hot dog, my life would be a pig in a poke.

Posted in bridal diaries, dissertation, i love my life, me on April 16, 2009 by drbolte

i feel so tired.

at first, i just thought i was whiny PMS girl.

but then, yesterday, after sleeping the bulk of the day, i took a shower to go to Institute.  and even after taking a shower and feeling like i didn’t look like gum on the bottom of someone’s shoe, i still felt like i was walking through mud.  that usually means that i am a) sick or b) dying or c) sick or d) dying.

i’m going with a and c.

but it’s not the kind of sick where you’re like sniffling sneezing coughing aching stuffy head give me the 90 proof nyquil sick. it’s the my body is clearly fighting something off but i still feel guilty for not running stadiums or shredding or for eating cinnamon toast in general instead of dinner.

so yeah.

if exhaustion was a biscuit and i was a little tiny sausage dog, i would be one of those pigs in a blanket things that are yummy to eat with grape jelly.

in other news, i will be spending all weekend in my bed, probably with turtle pajama pants on, working on a) revising the dissertation chapter that i’ve been reading crap for for two weeks and b) the wedding, for which i have created a master to-do list which feels VERY incomplete but which makes my life feel more manageable. this weekend i will likely break each part down into infinitely smaller pieces.  that will also help me make my life more manageable.

also, why are all bridal bouquets insanely expensive and is it possible for me to just order an arrangement of gorgeous flowers and wrap the dang thing myself with the $2 ribbon that i bought at michael’s? because my mom thinks that we should get my bouquet done by someone PROFESSIONAL rather than gathering Publix flowers together on the day before, and i see the merit of that position, but everything i’ve seen online is UGLY and white or all red roses and HELLO I DON’T WANT ROSES AT ALL and in order to talk to someone you have to sign over your first born child and guess what all i want is red and yellow and orange flowers with some sunflowers and daisies the end.

but the minute the word wedding is involved, suddenly the price skyrockets and my head starts throbbing with the wholesale injustice of it all.

so i might just order a summer bouquet, with the caveat (that’s the word of the day, folks…the $10 word of the day) that it must contain gerbera daisies and sunflowers (small ones are good!), and not tell them at all that it’s for a wedding because HELLO who cares i can wrap those bad boys with floral tape myself who cares.

but we’ll see.

so if you know of a decently priced florist in orlando (lindzml, i’m lookin’ at you…), let me know.

so yeah. turtle pajama pants and big time productivity. they go hand in hand, don’t you think?