collateral damage.

i’ve been thinking about consequences lately. not in terms of “oh holy crap i’m being punished for what i’ve done” but more the idea that, regardless of your action, there are long-lasting implications for what you do or do not do.

if you’ve been around a while, you know that me and my body have a pretty love-hate relationship. well, i shouldn’t say i hate my body. i don’t. not really at all. i love that it can do so many more things that i thought it ever could. i love that i take it running up stadium stairs and i love how light it seems lately. i love that it can bend and move and dance and frolic much easier than it ever has before. i love that i can listen to it and know what i need to do to keep it running smoothly. i love the way it responds to when i baby it–especially when i’m getting enough sleep.

so i’m pretty much a fan of it overall.

but losing 130 pounds leaves a bit of collateral damage.  i don’t say that to be woe is me or to even really complain. just mainly to muse on this fact and perhaps reconcile myself to the fact that me and cap sleeves will never, ever be friends because i will always, no matter how hard i shred or do tricep presses, will always have flabby arms. it makes sense, really. an entire other person used to occupy my skin with me.

that’s gonna leave a mark.

but it’s hard for me, probably because i am getting married and am thinking about how comfortable i want to be with my body on that day, to be accepting of that fact.  i am not feeling any pressure from anyone outside of my skin. the bff loves me for exactly who i am. if i lose more weight, great.  i think he’d be happy, but really just because i would be happy. because he has the purest most loving heart ever.

but i want to feel comfortable in my own skin. and i guess i figured that, somehow magically in a  mystical turn of events that doesn’t really make much sense at all, there would be no real marker left of where i’ve come from.

let me tell you what. that is NOT the case. i have marks.  i have evidence of those bygone days.

the lingering aftereffects of choices remain, in a much less concrete form, also on my dissertation.  i have not used my time as well as i could have. i don’t regret the things i’ve done, particularly, but i regret the time i didn’t take, the discipline i didn’t work hard to develop, the moments that i wasted.  there were lots of times i could have been doing something else. instead, i was pretending that that bill was never going to come due, that i would have infinite amounts of time to complete what it is that i must complete.

the consequences have been a whole lot of discouragement, self-doubt, and the consequences of my lack of diligence.  it’s not a good place for me to be, the valley of self-doubt, but i’m climbing my way out and am committed to a plan that i knew i needed to implement months ago but only now feel repentant enough to do so.

oh me and my stubbornness.

but there is collateral damage from that as well.  i will have to work harder to remember where i was in the process, have to balance more things in my life, have to still be working on it after i get married, more than likely once i’m working two or three jobs to support my little family.

that’s hard to swallow too, sometimes, but i wonder if it isn’t really just a part of the process.

am i learning something from it? oh yeah. i have turned into quite the planner, necessity being the mother of invention. i have realized that consequences are just as real for the things you choose not to do as for the things you do.  i have realized that the road to the valley of self-doubt is distraction, and i hope i’ll be more quick to see the detour.

but the body thing…i’m not sure how to get over that. i’m not sure what else i can do, except to try to have peace about it. no one is perfect–i know this–but i live in a culture that screams at me that all women are size 2s, have perfect perky boobs and flat stomachs, and have never had to struggle a day to do what i struggle every day to do.

i guess i don’t want to be reminded of the negative choices that i made, reminded of the person i was before. my life is changing so much…i guess i’d like to just live a new life in a new body, devoid of any tracks of the past.

the chasm between who i was then and who i am now seems large.  the chasm between what i think i should be and what i am also seems large.

that’s where my musing head’s at.

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