cxxviii: yo-yo freakshow.

so i’ve been slacking seriously on the weight loss front.

stop. that’s not true. that’s part of the problem, that attitude right there.

i have been incredibly hard on myself about what i’ve been doing and not doing. what have i not been doing? exercising as often as i was pre-november. gosh, i wonder why. what have i been doing? eating pretty much whatever i want whenever i want but doing it in such a way as to maintain the weight loss that i have worked so hard for.

that’s actually quite extraordinary, considering i’ve been cooking more, making way more desserts, and eating foods that i don’t normally eat.  or didn’t normally eat.

ANYWAYS.

but what i’ve been incredibly frustrated with is that i’ve been losing and gaining the same three pounds. i never really get above that one marker that i consider my end-all be-all point of no return. well, that’s a lie. i did once. but i kicked it into high gear and brought it back down. but for the past two months or so, it’s been a see-saw.  that ever-present number, then down three pounds to the happy progress! oh my gosh! i’ve broken my plateau! number.

and then back to the ever-present number.

my body is clearly very happy at this number. i, however, am not.

that’s not to say that i am not happy with my body and where it is. it’s much smaller than it’s ever been, and i’m happy with that. but that number…it has to go down.  i have a goal, yes, and it’s a realistic goal.  but i have to crack this final threshold number. i’m being necessarily vague, but it’s a big one. and when i crack it, i never ever ever want to go above it again unless there’s a fetus inside of me. and even then, i better be in my third trimester.

(oh wow. i’m talking about babies. and it’s an actual possibility soon. WEIRD.)

but that number.  oh how i hate it. i don’t remember when the last time was that i was below it.  i’m not sure i have been below it anytime since about the 6th or 7th grade.  i know i was definitely above it in the 8th grade, so…there you go.

but what i realized today, and this may come as no shock whatsoever to you but it was a bit of a revelation to me, is that i can’t have it both ways. i can maintain while eating the way i am. that’s essentially the life that i am living.  i am living the maintenance lifestyle. if that’s what i want, if that’s where i’m happy, then that’s what i can do.

but that’s not what i want.

i feel like, in a lot of areas in my life, i am coming out of a bit of a rest period. i’m back to working on my dissertation, but with an urgency of finishing that i haven’t yet felt. i just want to be done. i think i’m getting to the point where, because i can begin to see glimmers of light at the end of the tunnel, i am willing to work as hard as necessary, sleep as little as possible, give up man vs. food and deadliest catch (yes, those are my favorite tv shows shut up) in order to think about dorothy wordsworth and mary wollstonecraft and helen maria williams.

i realized today that if what i REALLY want is to lose this weight, i have to act like it. i have to put myself first sometimes, sacrifice some things now (like an hour’s worth of cuddle time or two hours of gilmore girls and bones and laying on my bed) in order to get what i want.  once i get there, it’s not like it will go away. but it will be maintenance. and that’s different.

i am apparently very good at maintenance, which makes me really happy.

but in the meantime, it’s time to kick it into higher gear. to work hard for what i want instead of expecting that everything will just come my way.

so my goal today? go buy new shoes so that the impact of the stuff that i am doing (stadium stairs, running, high impact workouts) stops hurting my joints.  then? go to the gym. do some crossramp intervals.  remind myself that a) i CAN do this and b) i LOVE doing this.  it makes my world sort itself back together.

instead of feeling like a lump of blech, i feel like i can conquer the world.

i need to conquer the world.

it all may seem very simplistic, but sometimes the very simple things are the things that are hardest to understand.  working is good. some days i want everything to come to me without any real effort on my part.  that doesn’t make much sense, does it? how can i feel the true joy and accomplishment of something if i haven’t worked hard at it?

so…time to go to work again.  i’m kind of excited. that’s weird.  but good.  but weird.

i like that.

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3 Responses to “cxxviii: yo-yo freakshow.”

  1. omg. i need you to get married first. I can’t handle the baby talk yet.

    • oh my gosh, of COURSE i’ll get married first. we’re not planning on it quickly, i promise. i just meant that, now, there’s actually a potential for me to plan/have a baby. and that’s just CRAZY.

  2. I love the baby talk (gaining 20-30 pounds is healthy that should be your goal).
    Do you watch The Biggest Loser? I have learned some thinkgs about weight loss by watching the show. There are walls you come to, you have to fuel your body in order to lose weight. Like if you are intensely working out then you have to eat. People that are trying to lose weight think that skimping on eating will help lose weight — not true.
    What are crossramps?
    I love your thinking. I am sad I never got into your blog sooner.

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