grace in a million little things.

for a while there, at the beginning of the year, a bunch of bloggers were doing this thing called grace in 365, where they listed five things about their day that made them feel as though they had been blessed. it was a fantastic idea, and one that i remembered often during that time and thought about doing myself.

i am reminded of it as i try to encapsulate what’s been happening in my life lately.

i thought that i would talk about the  daunting nature of my training for a new job. i’ve mentioned it a few times, mainly in passing about how busy i am, but not in any real detail. i still don’t want to speak of it in detail, because i don’t think it’s appropriate, but it’s the second of three stages of interviewing to see if i can hack it as an online instructor.  i like the training. it challenges me in a different way than every other challenge that i have in my life right now, and i like that very much. i’m already online way too much, so at least now i feel like i’m being productive.

and this job is one hundred percent a blessing from God.

i’m a little more than halfway through the second stage, and as i began the second two-week training, i found myself staring at the syllabus, feeling paralyzed almost by nervousness. i don’t know why. yes, there is more to do in this two-week training. yes, i am trying to balance potential out-of-town plans and invitations and all of that with this. yes, i had gotten a bit tired at the end of the last training.

but why would i be so daunted?

i am tired. straight up, lots of things in my life make me tired. life, right now, is a struggle. it’s not bad.  i am in no way depressed. but job searching, and worrying about that, and planning the wedding, and thinking about that a lot, and working on training, and hoping that i’m doing enough for that to get the job, and interviewing for more jobs, and praying fervently that i will get it, and thinking about how i’m not doing my dissertation at all, and wondering if it will even be possible to do everything that i had hoped to do this month–it’s all just a lot.

i think i kind of have a right to be tired.

but as i was walking back to my car from work, in the rain, i realized that despite all of these things, i keep moving on. i keep making progress. sometimes leaps and bounds of progress. and it’s an extraordinary gift. the gifts have been piling up of late.  here are just a few:

last night i didn’t want to go to institute. i was tired. it was rainy and cold and the thing i thought i wanted most was to curl up on the couch and wile away some hours doing nothing but cuddling.  but thing that i needed most was to go. and there i felt the Spirit and felt instructed and comforted and directed in ways that i needed.

i went to the store, shopped some serious sales, and got $175 worth of groceries for $100. the bagger lady said that she should go shopping with us because she was so impressed with the deals we got, one of which was HEAPS of pork chops for free (buy one tray, get two free).  as we were breaking them up into individual freezer pouches, we realized that not only were they much larger than i thought, but there were more in each pack than i thought. that means more meals for less money. that is a blessing during the very lean month before Summer B work starts. oh, how i hate the summer sometimes.

in the midst of these challenging times, i feel my faith growing. i have been wondering why the struggle is important for me–the job struggle, specifically, is what i mean, but i suppose the way that all of these major life events have come together at this time also contributes to the nature of the struggle that i feel every day to keep on top of things–and now i’m realizing that the struggle is the point. you’re shaking your head at this point, aren’t you? duh, drbolte, of course the struggle is the point. but sometimes, when you’re struggling, you think the point of the struggle is to get where you want to go. sometimes you think that the reasons that the answers haven’t come or the reason why things are challenging is because maybe you’re not putting in your best effort or maybe you haven’t found the key to all mythologies yet (and, uhm, if you get that reference, i’ll give you a cookie).

i’m realizing, again, probably for the fortieth time at least, that this struggling? is where the lessons are.  i approach things that are hard now with a sense of determination, an internal fierceness that is grounded in the idea that i will do whatever i need to do, whatever He wishes me to do, in order to keep the Spirit with me, in order to stay close to the Lord.

that determination is probably the greatest gift. because in the moments when i don’t know what to do? like when i’m looking at a syllabus and don’t know if i can muster the energy to do it?

i dig deep. and it’s there.  i just decide that the best way to get through it is to GET THROUGH IT and i dive in.

and the RWC is quiet and i manage to get all of my reading done and my assignments and participation done and ta da…i can work on something else.

all of this is surrounded and wrapped up in the most amazing fact that, in all this struggling, the bff and i are growing closer. we struggle together. i can’t even do justice to how much that means to me, that our love is growing and the pressures on us are just teaching us that we are absolutely essential to each other.

in a million little things, and in one or two huge ones, i am being shown that the struggle is the prize.

it’s the struggle where the grace truly lives.

that’s what keeps me going.

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One Response to “grace in a million little things.”

  1. lindzml Says:

    I know life is intense right now (I understand way, way better than most), but know that it will get better, that these things will improve and that God will put the right things in front of you at the right times. He will provide all.

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