Archive for May, 2009

tangential thoughts.

Posted in bff, bridal diaries, drama drama drama, faith is action, family, going quietly mad, me, perfect brightness of hope, the engaged life, will work for food on May 11, 2009 by drbolte

meet my mimi.

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(and yes, that’s me. adorable, eh?)

i have told you about her before. i’ve told you about the last few months of her life, too. i’ve told you about how all of my baking and cooking skills come from her, and about how i miss her.

this weekend, we were in orlando for mother’s day. and on sunday, one of the bff’s grandmothers came over to eat dinner with his family.  i’ve been around her several times now, and really very much like her. she’s scrappy and fiery and i dig that about her. i see how his dad is who is he because of her influence.

but i came away on sunday night feeling oddly tired and somewhat sad, which i realized is kind of common after a big bff family gathering. and i only yesterday realized that it was because i miss my family.

i really do. i miss my family.

but being around his grandmother makes me miss my mimi even more.

she would LOVE this time of my life. i feel certain she loves it from where she is.  but, at her prime, she would have been all up in the preparations, taking over the sewing of table squares and the construction of my bolero and the alterations on my dress. everything that she could have done, she would have done because that’s who she is.

i miss her very much.

my days are much busier now.

i am in training for a new part-time online job, and it’s going pretty well i think.  but it is a timesucker if ever there was one, though i can’t say i wasn’t warned by my recruiter that that would be the case. i think i’m managing quite well, but i don’t know how to fit everything in. i haven’t touched my dissertation in a week and a half because of it, and now i’m beginning to wonder how to fit everything else in.

my days go a little something like this: wake up. read my scriptures. shred if i’m going to shred (my goal is now to do it three days a week..it really does get results). breakfast and emails and google reader. training. shower and dressed.  usually about this time, i have to be somewhere, like an appointment or something. errands need to be run or something needs to get done. then it’s bff time, with dinner and assorted other activities taking up the rest of the night.  lately, it’s been wedding stuff.  i feel certain that more wedding stuff will continue to take up time.

i am tired.

already.

and i haven’t even started work yet. and it isn’t even summer b, when everything really hits me.

sigh.

i’m still going though. often, the bff and i look at each other, when we’re exhausted but don’t want to leave, and say that it will be nice to be married because then we can sleep.  sounds less romantic, perhaps, than what you would think of with newlyweds, but it will be nice to just be able to not ever leave.

ever.

nothing says your wedding is getting close and really real than going to get a birth control prescription–and knowing that you’ll actually be using it for its intended purpose.  what the heck.

i’m still looking for jobs. i know i’m not alone (holla job seekers! we should commiserate someday. is the exhaustion from that? are you all tired too?), and i know that i will be taken care of.

walking by faith is hard.  i’m not whining.  please don’t read that with whining voice.

read that as a bit of a determined, stoic “walking by faith is hard” and then a full stop.

and then a moving on.

have i mentioned my new penchant for burning myself?

in the last 48 hours, i  have burned myself twice while cooking and pinched the heck out of my finger tonight using tongs.

(another reason why i hate tongs. they are my kitchen nemesis.)

i may or may not have said “i give up.” and cried a little in the kitchen while i did the dishes. because there was really nothing else to do or be done. sometimes, you just have to give in.

directly after giving in, i got some really good hugs from the bff, who told me that today had not been the best day. he basically gave me permission to cry and yet the moment he did, i felt the need to cry go away. instead, i began to smile a little and pretty soon he had me laughing.

it was a classic awesome husband move, if i know what classic awesome husband moves are.

and i may not–yet.

but that, in a nutshell, is why he is the most amazing, most wonderful, most perfect-for-me guy there is. and why everything that is hard and difficult and uncomfortable and stressful and crazy about planning this wedding is worth it. because, in the end, it matters not what the twinkle lights look like or how much tulle is draping the food table. it doesn’t matter if i use an aisle runner for our ring ceremony or if everyone loves the look of the reception hall.

what matters is that, forever, we will be there to hug each other when we’re having bad days and cheer for each other during the good days. what matters is that i can cry on his shoulder and he doesn’t tell me to suck it up. he just hugs me harder and tells me it’s okay.

that is why i’m marrying him.

that is what matters.

and that’s my monday. how’s yours?

this is faith.

Posted in Uncategorized with tags on May 4, 2009 by drbolte

i didn’t get the job.

i only found this out because i emailed the headmaster.

i am now working every option i have, every avenue i can think of, to find a job for the fall.

while i feel certain that i will be employed this fall, i am absolutely certain that i am being tested, that my faith is being tested, that life is hard and sometimes it’s just the lesson to walk through it without losing that faith.

let me repeat that. life is HARD.

there are people around me, though, with my harder things going on. things of eternal consequence. things that make hearts literally break.

my frustratingly slow job progress, my stymied applications, are just that. slow progress.

i refuse right now to be sad about it. i have felt myself sort of shift into determination mode, where i am seriously attempting to follow the promptings that i am receiving so that i can do what He would have me do. i have prayed. i have fasted. i continue to do all that i can.

what reason have i to fear? none.

but life is HARD. i feel like, though, that’s the time right before the awesome.

Posted in bff, bridal diaries, grrrrr., the engaged life, will work for food on May 1, 2009 by drbolte

i suppose things have changed for me over the past few months. for all intents and purposes, not six months ago, i was on the tenure-track job path, looking to be a professor and a book writer and a scholar and all of those things.  from the outside, especially to those that didn’t know me well, perhaps they thought that was my ultimate dream.

it really was what i had been working on for ages.

if you look at what i’m choosing now, i suppose it may seem like i am giving up on that dream, like i am sacrificing it for more traditional choices of marriage and family since i’m choosing to find a job that will support my family rather than choosing to continue to pursue the tenure track job market.

i’m trying to play devil’s advocate here because i had an experience yesterday that i’m not sure i’m interpreting correctly, except that i have known this person a while and experienced the sociopolitical attitudes that color this person’s world.

i haven’t seen this person since i got engaged, haven’t really expressed my change in plans. i’ve had some experience in explaining what i’m planning to do–it is a question most people ask–but this time, when i was explaining that i was happy to get any teaching job and that the bff would be in school for a while and that we’d be staying here until he was finished, i saw something happen in this person’s eyes.

judgment.

i’m not sure how to deal with that, really. i do not apologize for my choices, nor am i trying to incite a debate about what women can or cannot do. i know what i want, what i believe, and i know that the bff and i will navigate life with very similar goals for our family. but i guess i don’t understand why anyone would judge me for those choices.

i’ve encountered this all up and down the academic world. somehow, you are less smart, less brilliant, somehow a tragic sacrifice to antiquated values if you choose to focus on family rather than yourself.  since when did being unselfish, even a little bit, in the choices you make for your family become a bad thing?

i do not walk around judging women who pursue their dreams.  it’s not my place. i grew up the daughter of a single mother who worked every day of her life for everything that she got. i have spent many years seeking the most education that i can. women are just as capable as men in pursuing and working for what they want. i am the beneficiary of the opportunities that are now open to women.

i guess i just wish that i would receive the same respect for my choices.