bridal diaries: thick and thin.

i got sick yesterday, with what felt frighteningly like when i had a massive kidney stone/infection about three years ago. i would officially call that the sickest i have been in recent years. i can hardly think of a time when i was sicker, unless it was with the migraines i got in high school (probably a combination of hormones and the massive addiction i had to GIANT tubs of pepsi at lunch), one of which left me asleep on the floor of the bathroom.

yeah, i was that sick. and i’m really glad i have that memory still because, honestly, it puts a lot of things into perspective.

but the kidney infection/stone of yore was no better. i was SO sick, possibly because of a reaction to the antibiotic they gave me but possibly just because it was so horrible.

anyway.

i started feeling that stabbing/squeezing/horrible side pain again and i got scared. i had been ridiculously exhausted all day, and the pain hit me pretty fast, and all i could think of was being that sick and how i desperately didn’t want that. i don’t really know what it was, but i got a blessing and the pain is basically gone.  it’s very possible that it was a small kidney stone. felt like it.  but i have an assurance that it will not come back and that it’s nothing to worry about, which is exactly what i needed.

because i was scared. and all i thought during the three or so hours that i was suffering was that i was falling apart. i am about to get married and i am falling apart.

the bff was worried about me.  he’s so sweet. i love him so much, and i really didn’t want him to have to deal with a dilapidated bride.  when i realized that he was really worried–understandable, because i really was hurting pretty bad–i told him he would probably fall apart when i had a baby. he said he wouldn’t, because that pain is supposed to happen.

(i’m putting it out there, right now. i don’t think he’ll handle me being in that kind of pain well. we’ll see…)

but as the night went on and i realized that the bff has seen me at my worst–bad attitude, illness, sadness–i understand better what it means to be together forever.  i worry, i guess, sometimes that seeing me at my worst will somehow make him love me less.  i think that’s natural, especially for someone whose biggest fear is that she’ll be a bad wife.  but i’m realizing that it is in those moments when i am broken down, when i need him most, that our love grows the most.

it’s a blessing for sure, and i’m grateful for it.  i’m grateful for the times when i’m weak so that it can make everything else stronger.  i don’t like being weak and i don’t like being sick.

but i like the lessons it teaches me.

One Response to “bridal diaries: thick and thin.”

  1. lindzml Says:

    Dude, all I have to say is: Labor? They makes DRUGS for that kind of pain and should I choose to have children one day? You had better bet that it will be one drugged-out adventure. And I am thrilled about that. I’m sure BFF will be, too.

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