Archive for June, 2009

unfriend.

Posted in etcetera, facebook is the new crack, faith is action, huh?, Life, me, the internets on June 10, 2009 by drbolte

tired of the masses of people that i haven’t met/talked to/seen/heard from/corresponded with in ages and ages, and for whom i feel no real affection if i am to be truly honest, that populated my facebook friends list, i went on an unfriending spree last night.

but it really started with my  desire to unfriend, once and for all, my ex.

there’s no drama as there was the last time i unfriended him. i have just felt uncomfortable with the idea that, whenever he wants to, he can just pop back into my life via facebook. when that happens, it catches me off-guard and i feel glimmers of the girl i was circa fall 2007.

in case you’re not keeping track at home, i am REALLY not that girl anymore.

i didn’t like it and here’s the straight up truth: we weren’t going to be friends.

since the bff and i started dating, i had pretty much cut off all contact with the ex.  we had been, prior to the bff coming home, exchanging messages weekly. the ex is on a mission too, far far away in the far far east, and i was trying to be supportive and friend-like.  for a while, it was fine. we were friends, i suppose, in the way that we ever really were friends which by comparison with my other friendships remained strikingly shallow.  in parable metaphor, our friendship consisted of seeds sown in the heat of the day.  it worked, but only briefly.

once the bff came back and things started happening as they were meant to happen, thoughts of the ex quickly left my mind–friendship or whatever it was–and he became, as he was meant to be, a distant memory. except when he would pop back in and i would be jarred backward.  it felt wrong.  the bff doesn’t like him, doesn’t trust him, because of how things went down.  i think i probably understand better why things happened the way they happened, but i realized last night, as i considered whether or not to unfriend him, that we were really never going to be friends again–or perhaps it’s better to say that i didn’t ever want to be friends again.

for a while i thought that that was a character flaw of mine–to not be able to redefine the relationship once it changed. last night, i began to think that perhaps it is a strength to be able to see when something is done and to let go of it with grace.  i have always hated the part of me that held on too tight when something had clearly run its course. perhaps that part of me, like so many others of late, has changed.

i sent the ex a message, lest he think i was bitter, to explain my reason for unfriending him, to thank him for the blessing of his friendship so many moons ago, and to wish him all good things. i have been on the receiving end of unfriending of late and, if it is done without any real warning, it can be interpreted lots of ways. i really didn’t want that to happen.

i did know, though, that by doing so i was opening the door a crack. i erred on the side of kindness.

he replied tonight by sort of questioning my reasoning for unfriending him, seemingly halfheartedly wishing me good luck, and then telling me that he still wears the ring that i gave him (it was mine, it was a guy’s ring anyways, it was too big, he liked it, i told him he could have it, blah blah blah).

what do you do with that?

i’ll tell you what i did.

i deleted the message.

i recognized the guilt trip implicit in it (something i perhaps should have been expecting).

i let it get to me for a few minutes and then  i gave the bff the readers digest version of the whole thing and realized that this is exactly why i made the right decision.

i shrugged and moved on.

i feel inclined, right now, to move on from lots of things.  this one? i think this one was important.  far more than being about an ex, i think this one was about me recognizing that the choices i make for myself, as long as they are not intentionally harming others, are valid. i think this one was about stepping up and unapologetically claiming what i want.

this one was good.

bridal diaries: thick and thin.

Posted in bff, bridal diaries, faith is action, me on June 8, 2009 by drbolte

i got sick yesterday, with what felt frighteningly like when i had a massive kidney stone/infection about three years ago. i would officially call that the sickest i have been in recent years. i can hardly think of a time when i was sicker, unless it was with the migraines i got in high school (probably a combination of hormones and the massive addiction i had to GIANT tubs of pepsi at lunch), one of which left me asleep on the floor of the bathroom.

yeah, i was that sick. and i’m really glad i have that memory still because, honestly, it puts a lot of things into perspective.

but the kidney infection/stone of yore was no better. i was SO sick, possibly because of a reaction to the antibiotic they gave me but possibly just because it was so horrible.

anyway.

i started feeling that stabbing/squeezing/horrible side pain again and i got scared. i had been ridiculously exhausted all day, and the pain hit me pretty fast, and all i could think of was being that sick and how i desperately didn’t want that. i don’t really know what it was, but i got a blessing and the pain is basically gone.  it’s very possible that it was a small kidney stone. felt like it.  but i have an assurance that it will not come back and that it’s nothing to worry about, which is exactly what i needed.

because i was scared. and all i thought during the three or so hours that i was suffering was that i was falling apart. i am about to get married and i am falling apart.

the bff was worried about me.  he’s so sweet. i love him so much, and i really didn’t want him to have to deal with a dilapidated bride.  when i realized that he was really worried–understandable, because i really was hurting pretty bad–i told him he would probably fall apart when i had a baby. he said he wouldn’t, because that pain is supposed to happen.

(i’m putting it out there, right now. i don’t think he’ll handle me being in that kind of pain well. we’ll see…)

but as the night went on and i realized that the bff has seen me at my worst–bad attitude, illness, sadness–i understand better what it means to be together forever.  i worry, i guess, sometimes that seeing me at my worst will somehow make him love me less.  i think that’s natural, especially for someone whose biggest fear is that she’ll be a bad wife.  but i’m realizing that it is in those moments when i am broken down, when i need him most, that our love grows the most.

it’s a blessing for sure, and i’m grateful for it.  i’m grateful for the times when i’m weak so that it can make everything else stronger.  i don’t like being weak and i don’t like being sick.

but i like the lessons it teaches me.

coming up for air.

Posted in bff, bridal diaries, disney princesses got nothin' on me, dissertation, drama drama drama, etcetera, faith is action, i love my life, magic, me on June 5, 2009 by drbolte

hi all.

thanks for letting me vent in the last post. thanks to those of you who chimed in with responses.  i’m sure it will all get done and i am sure that i will get better at asking for help. in the meantime, though, i came up with a plan that is already helping me.

a. stop worrying about the dissertation.

that’s right. i’m officially calling it.  dissertation is going on real hold (not that actual hold that it’s been on while i fret and worry and feel guilt-infused over not doing it) until after the wedding. i just don’t have time, even if i used every available moment of my spare time, and even if i did, i am too frazzled to do much of substance.  so it’s on hold.

and, as my wise mama said, if we are prioritizing tasks based on their due date, that one’s last anyways.

she’s brilliant, my mom.

b. read wedding blogs every day. specifically, in my days of stress, weddingbee is keeping me sane. i skim it over, revel in the bridalness, and am suddenly grateful that i am doing things the way i am doing them.

and it usually inspires me to start thinking/planning things that i need to be thinking/planning.

c. be kind to myself. or, in the wise words of a friend of mine, create small manageable goals.

yesterday, that was to workout hard and to straighten my room.  i did it. i also tried to make homemade donuts, which i realized i have neither the patience nor the oil stores to do effectively. therefore, yesterday was a success.

i also painted my toenails. crappily, but they’re painted.

in the new vein of being kind to myself, i’m just going to let them be crappily painted until i have the wherewithal or the time to do it again.  and lighting. i clearly need better lighting.

d. keep breaking the chain.

did i tell you about our paper chain?  i can’t remember, so i’m telling you anyway. if you’ve already heard this, could you, i don’t know, talk amongst yourselves for a moment?

we created a paper chain, the bff and i, to count down to our wedding. you know, in case the countdown on my facebook page and on my blog wasn’t enough (which it’s not).  we wanted some kind of tactile way that we could do it.

it makes the days when it seems like it will NEVER get here go by faster.

especially as we are getting perilously near the two month loop. whoo!

e. find things like this...

and just know that, come what may, my wedding is going to be amazing. and very much me.

i’ll admit it. it’s beginning to get to me.

Posted in bff, bridal diaries, dissertation, drama drama drama, etcetera, i love my life, i promise you that you won't care, Life, me, mirror mirror on the wall, sigh, the engaged life, the glass is half FULL, wish i may wish i might on June 3, 2009 by drbolte

last night, while i was sitting in institute, i realized that i have about zero weekends between now and the wedding that are not already planned/carved out/offer no opportunities for relaxation or beach trips.

this weekend: friend of bff’s visits, i meet for the first time despite having an email/facebook/texting relationship. i will be cleaning. also, one of my roommates is moving out for reals (i.e. she’s been gone for a while, but her furniture’s still there, so…she’s really leaving this weekend.  so…there’s that.

next weekend: otown for bridal gown bolero shopping/measurements/planning. take dress to be altered. father’s day.

weekend after that: in NC (finally! i haven’t been home since march and not since i was officially engaged) with mom, doing all sorts of wedding stuff that will hopefully alleviate some stress but is likely to be jampacked with wedding stuff, including meeting with my NC bridesmaids to talk dresses and jewelry and squee a little and my bridesmaid/photographer to talk shot lists and to get her what she needs.

weekend after that: my first shower in otown, filled with people i don’t really know yet very well. note: this is the weekend before i begin teaching my summer class(es).

weekend after that: 4th of July. i’m guessing we’ll be up north frolicking on the boat with the bff’s family. sounds like restfulness, but it’s still somewhere to be on my best behavior. depending on the teaching schedule, i may or may not bow out of this. however, i get friday off…so maybe it won’t be so bad.

weekend after that: my NC shower. i fly out on friday night, attend the shower on saturday late morning (which i’m REALLY excited about), fly out on sunday afternoon.

weekend after that: my gville shower on friday night (aka girls night…). saturday i have free, but will likely collapse. or, don’t forget, that i’ll be teaching, so i’ll probably be grading grading grading grading.

weekend after that: the weekend before i move, aka the packing weekend. i very much doubt i’ll get much done before that.

weekend after that: we move all of our stuff into our new apartment. as of right now, me and my stuff will be homeless for about 2 1/2 days.  i’m hoping to use my considerable powers of persuasion to convince the apartment complex to let me stay. we’ll see how that flies. but i will take up residence in our new place that day, and the bff will stay at his place until we’re married.

weekend after that: WEDDING!

this sounds like complaining, doesn’t it.  i’m not complaining.  i’m just…absolutely overwhelmed by the magnitude of it all.  my attitude used to be to chuckle and say WHOOO! when i talked about how crazy things were going to be.  but i’m tired already, and i think it’s simply the weight of everything that stands between now and august 8th.

i have classes to plan for that i haven’t even started, really, other than constructing a syllabus. i have an online gig that i have to finish. i have to find out if i’ll be teaching another upper-division class in the fall and, if so, i’ve got to plan that deal because i sincerely doubt that they’re going to let me not have a syllabus to them as it gets to be a month or so before classes begin. i have a room to pack and, what’s more, i have TONS of crap to wade through and get rid of.

(luckily, mom is doing a yard sale in NC when i’m there the first time, so i’ll be hauling copious amounts of stuff up there to see if i can sell it. if not, it will go to goodwill there and i will be done with it. but when will i have time to gather all of that stuff together?)

and let’s not even talk about the dissertation, which i haven’t touched in a month. at all.

this all sounds like complaining still.  like everyone doesn’t have a busy life.

i know.

i’m venting.

it’s my blog. it’s where i do such things.

but…how? how do i do it all? the bff, oh how i love him, says i can do anything and, thus, i can do everything.  i adore him for thinking that, but i want to know HOW.  how can i do it all?  how can i get everything done?

it seems impossible.  truly.

and how do i keep my wits about me when all the world is losing theirs?

oh, let’s face it…when i’m losing mine?

suggestions? is this normal? am i a bridezilla?

i think i have lost all perspective.

dream a little dream…and then freak the heck out.

Posted in bff, bridal diaries, etcetera, the engaged life on June 3, 2009 by drbolte

i had a ridiculously terrible dream last night.  i woke up crying. i am fairly certain that i have never done that before.

but in this dream, i went from being pregnant to being diagnosed with a fatal disease (something to do with an excess of riboflavin…thank you, brain, for making up the most ridiculous and absolutely fictional fatal disease ever) that would kill me, i was assured, by november 11th.

as in two months after my wedding.

the reality of this hit me full force in my dream, and i began to sob only when i began to ask why me.  why couldn’t i stay around and live the life i’ve dreamed with the man that i’ve finally found, the one who is my perfect match?

i woke up sobbing too.

i realized, with the help of the memory of the riboflavin thing and a sweet text message from the bff that all was well, that it was all a dream. but it’s amazing how a dream can really shake you to your core, fictional or not.

i went back to sleep, only to have a dream that somehow featured me trying to try on a red dress (i am looking for one that i want to wear to the temple on my wedding day (i will get ready there)) in a sonny’s, which for some reason featured row after row after row of delicious looking pastries that i somehow, in my dream state, convinced myself not to eat or even sample even though i wanted to.  (go subconscious me!) but i couldn’t find a place to try on this dress to save my life, and when i did, i couldn’t get it on because it kept snagging on my toes.

weirdest. dream. ever.

i’m not sure why i have been dreaming so vividly lately, but i really have. i’ve always been a vivid dreamer–when i remember them, they are usually strange or powerful with a plotline that’s discernable but usually with a flair of ridiculous that reminds me of their fictionality.  but rarely do i remember dreaming so vividly multiple times a night for multiple nights in a row.  these dreams are seriously detailed, usually featuring me doing things that i’ve never done before.

it’s a strange trip.  i’m sure it’s all logical–my mind is really very crowded lately with details and things to do and worries about what to do and the future and what might happen and how to do everything that i want to do and you get the idea.

but it’s odd.  and oddly tiring.

bridal diaries: i should be shredding, but instead i’m updating you.

Posted in bridal diaries, the engaged life on June 1, 2009 by drbolte

so, i thought i was done with invitations/announcements, but more addresses and names are coming in, so…my task today is to go back, buy another box, and get to addressing again.  it will all end soon, i’m sure.  BUT people are getting them…most everyone in gville has gotten it, and they’re writing on my wall and telling me that my reply cards are awesome and it’s a little weird.

now it’s beginning to feel real.

that and the fact that we’re now only two months and one week away.

wow.

i told you about my hair doodads, didn’t i? i got them a week or so ago and only a few days ago put them in my hair to see what they looked like. this was in no way a hair trial, since my hair was really just back in a messy bun, but they look GOOD.  even in a messy bun.  i have faith that my hair will look good.

my Gator garters are on their way.  WOOT.

and i found out at the end of last week that, yes, we are going on a honeymoon. but i have absolutely no idea where.  i don’t think i will know until we get there that night.  pretty exciting, huh? i just told him to tell me what to pack.  🙂

shred’s going well. i’m not losing tons of weight but yesterday the bff said that i felt smaller when he hugged me.  that’s usually a really good sign.

speaking of, i need to stop procrastinating and let jillian michaels kick my trash some.