Archive for July, 2009

what happens when you’ve been packing for 7 hours.

Posted in Uncategorized on July 31, 2009 by drbolte

new lyrics for the cure:

i don’t care if monday’s brown
tuesday wednesday traffic all through town
thursday house is burning down
it’s friday, i’m in love.

i don’t care if monday’s pink
tuesday wednesday clogged up sink
thursday washed my face in ink
it’s friday, i’m in love.

i don’t care if monday’s white
tuesday wednesday barroom fight
thursday i just lost my sight
it’s friday, i’m in love.

i don’t care if monday’s green
tuesday wednesday martin sheen
thursday ate too many beans
it’s friday, i’m in love.

i don’t care if monday’s red
tuesday wednesday bumped my head
thursday oh my gosh i’m dead
it’s friday, i’m in love.

i don’t care if monday’s black
tuesday wednesday got the sack
thursday aliens attack
it’s friday, i’m in love.

i don’t care if monday’s blue
tuesday wednesday pinching shoes
thursday eating possum stew
it’s friday, i’m in love.

i don’t care if monday’s gray
tuesday wednesday bills to pay
thursday hey hey hey hey hey
it’s friday, i’m in love.

and that’s when we decided we were done.

the days are just packed.

Posted in bridal diaries, domestic goddess, forward my mail, going quietly mad, me, perfect brightness of hope, the engaged life, the glass is half FULL, the joys of living in Florida on July 30, 2009 by drbolte

today we got our marriage license.

as we were sitting there, signing documents and giving social security numbers and attesting to the accuracy of the information we had provided by raising our right hand and swearing that it was all true, i realized that this is the one time i’ll do that.

that was cool.

tomorrow marks the beginning of the big move. because of a series of what can only be described as hilarious timing debacles, i have to turn in my keys for this apartment by noon and can only pick up the keys to the new place at noon. so we’ll be loading all of my earthly possessions, save a few essentials and my mattress, into a uhaul cargo van tomorrow night.

i had been a bit worried about the move. there’s nothing like smashed toes and heavy boxes to bring out the very best of your personality, you know? but we had a heap of stuff to take to goodwill today, in the death humid hot, and we did it cheerfully.  my beloved bff doesn’t even seem to mind my procrastination or my need to do things my way and in my timeframe.  in fact, he seems to understand it and quickly falls into whatever helpful role i need him to fill.

it’s been wonderful.

i opened my wedding dress garment bag last night and saw, right before my eyes on the bodice, a small stain. the stain saga with my dress has thus far been confined to the sash, which is a really long story not worth rehashing because my future mil picked it up and said it’s perfect now, but now apparently there is one on the bodice of my perfectly white dress.  it’s smaller than a pencil eraser and is tan, not black or red or anything absurd. it would probably not even be noticeable.

but i noticed.

and i cried.  in fact, if i have cried hard about anything related to problems, stress, and misunderstandings related to the wedding, it was this. as the bff held me and i cried for my two minute freakout, i said “i just wanted one thing to be perfect–and it was my dress.”

you well know that i am trying very hard not to sweat the small stuff about the wedding.  but i wanted my dress to be perfect–at least for those initial moments that he sees me, that we take pictures, that we bask in the fact that we are now married forever and for always, no ifs ands or buts.  i don’t care about much anything else. if it rains, okay. we’ll figure it out.  if something goes wrong with the sound system, we’ll figure it out.  if the cupcakes are hideous, we’ll figure it out.

but my dress. ohmydress.

so i freaked out a little bit. he let me. and then he told me that he was absolutely sure that i was going to be exquisitely gorgeous and that we’d figure it out.  he’s right about the last part. mom comes on tuesday, i talk to her on sunday, and we’ll figure out what i should do.

or maybe i’ll just forget about it and realize that it, like me, is a bit flawed but nonetheless perfect for him and for that day.

i wanted to write a deep post about leaving and moving on and the strangeness of a house that is now in transition, about going by the new apartment and seeing that it’s empty and beginning to picture us there and thoughts of flower boxes and decorating, about moving on and moving out and moving closer to the rest of my life, about how strange it will be to be the last one in my apartment, the last night of my old life essentially, about how awed i am by the generosity of people i don’t even know, about how all of my fears are systematically being eliminated because of faith exercised so often and begun so long ago that it is now as familiar and subtly essential as breath.

but i can’t really do that yet.  maybe when i’m sitting in an entirely empty apartment, those thoughts will coherently come to me.  but right now, like the rest of my house, they are sitting in heaps and piles, to be sifted through and organized.

so much is happening. so fast.  and yet the miracle is that time has slowed just enough for me to do an insanely ridiculous amount of work in a short, short time.  but the true miracle is that i am recognizing all of the big stuff amid the petty chaos.

question of the day.

Posted in Uncategorized on July 29, 2009 by drbolte

do a series of life changes explain the desire to abandon one’s established blog and either start a new, protected, invitation-only one or forget about blogging all together?

i can’t remember who did it better…

Posted in bridal diaries on July 28, 2009 by drbolte

…but someone did.

they started counting down the things that happened right before their wedding that blew their mind.

like when they bought milk with an expiration date post-wedding date. or when the 10 day forecast was what you got to look at…and it actually included your wedding day (she did that, of a kind…i am pretty sure she did the other thing too, but i can’t find it…).

it’s starting to happen to me.

the plague of death flu is apparently whirling around UF, and i have what is probably a combination of “oh my dang i can’t be sick” hypochondria and allergic reaction to the mold spores (which are excessively high) and the tree pollen (which is also high).  nevertheless, post-class found me in winn-dixie perusing the vitamin-c infused juices.

and i realized…all of these cartons expire after my wedding.

people have been asking me lots of “are you ready? are you excited? insert are you something phrase here?” questions.  the answers are, in order:

no way in heck, unless you’re talking about mentally. i ordered cupcakes from the bakery that screwed up my shower cake. it was tasty but ugly. so it’s possible that i will have the ugliest wedding cupcakes on the planet. if this happens, i will send one or two trusted bridesmaids to the local publix to find sprinkles and squeeze frosting and we will make something beautiful out of the chaos.

or i’ll make an announcement and people will laugh and still eat all 110 cupcakes and like them and think that i am the most laidback bride ever.

because i just don’t care.

when we went to see the church on sunday with the bff’s parents, to plan what we would need/do for setup, i could finally picture, as we were turning off all of the lights, what it will look like with hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of little white fairy lights everywhere.

and i felt the sudden urge to clap my hands and cry at the same time. i did one of those. i’ll let you guess which.

we have tablecloths and tabletoppers and a plan for decorations and all of the assorted stuff that we need for the reception.

i do not have all of my makeup, hair products, or the bra that i want to wear.  should i get on that? yeah probably. you know when it’s likely to get done? wednesday. of my wedding week.

it’s the only time i really have to breathe.

i do need to color my hair this week though. it needs a good week to settle in.

so am i ready? YES. and absolutely not.

am i excited?

YES.

but it’s hard to think about when i need to pack my entire house and move it and grade a million papers and read and plan the teaching of an entire novel that i don’t really want to read or plan.  it seems really far away, because the BIG.FAT.MOVE is standing in its way. i’m really hoping that once the boxes are into the house and my bed is set up and i have food in my fridge that i will be able to take a deep breath and start to get giddy excited about what will be happening the next week.

that said, i do get these crazy glimmers.

when we pull off our paper chain and realize how few links are left.

when his wedding ring gets shipped and he tries it on, just to be sure it fits, and it LOOKS like a wedding ring and ohmygosh we’re getting married.

when i pick up my dress and i’m scared to try it on because OHMYGOSH what if it doesn’t fit (it will. i know it will. i just get this way.) but it’s still hanging there, in a garment bag on my closet door, suddenly looking so very big and bridal.

when i realize that in two days we get our marriage license.

i get glimmers. and in those moments, i am so excited.

i just want, so much, to be able to take it all in.  there’s so much going on. i just want to have time to take it all in, to not let worry and stress and busy stand in the way of anything.  i don’t think it will. i don’t think i’ll let it.  because, honestly, i don’t care.

i don’t care if the cupcakes are ugly.

i don’t care if something goes wrong.

i don’t care about anything except marrying the bff.  once that happens? shucks. everything else is just a big story for the grandkids.

t minus 11 days, folks.

whew.

i have a brilliant idea.

Posted in Uncategorized on July 25, 2009 by drbolte

i need clones.

i picture two.

one i’ll call “working carrie.” she’ll only come out for classes, and all the rest of the time she’ll have a computer and a stack of books. she will read, grade, respond to student emails, and in her off time from that will peruse the databases for brilliant critical interpretations of the novels that she teaches.

the second i call “bride carrie.” i will lock her in a closet with a crossramp, yogurt, low-carb bread, and distilled water. she will spend her time drinking heaps of water, ridding her body of toxins, and working her butt off…as literally as possible. she will periodically sit under a sunlamp for 15 minutes at a time so as to ensure the lovely bridal bronze…but not enough to ensure more freckles or skin cancer. i will only bring her out on august 8th.

this will ensure that real carrie can pack, sleep for the next two weeks so as to possibly get rid of the bags under my eyes, and not feel the least bit guilty for eating chocolate chips and pizza.

i think it’s a good plan, actually.

Protected: an open letter to students of the world.

Posted in books are bliss, etcetera, teaching on July 24, 2009 by drbolte

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the incredible blessing of cluelessness.

Posted in bff, bridal diaries, faith is action on July 21, 2009 by drbolte

i find that now, 18 days out, a blissful sense of euphoric idiocy has descended upon me.

i was counting time based on event milestones prior to this past weekend: first was the first shower in orlando, which marked the beginning of summer b and the chaos that i was sure to descend. (i wasn’t wrong.) then came my flight to NC for my bridal brunch there.  the last real pre-wedding festivity that i had on my bride radar was my gville shower and bachelorette party (all PG fun, i promise. well, there was a moment of pg-13ness, but that’s neither here nor there.  no salacious stories is my point.).

those things have come and gone and now i’m left sitting here, still with a large list of things to do (although, granted, it’s getting smaller) and no real motivation to do them.

know why?

i just don’t care that much anymore.

i have what i absolutely need, or i have lined up the things that i need.  the place will look good.  we’ll make it look good.  and honestly…if things go wrong, which i’m expecting, we’ll deal with it.  because you know what? i am a problem solver.

and i would much prefer to be very very busy with actual tasks to do than sitting around twiddling my thumbs and thinking about everything that will happen the next day. i’m not nervous. just EXCITED.

but what’s most important isn’t whether or not everyone else is happy or if the red and yellow lanterns hang by themselves or with white lights or if we have greenery where we are doing our ring exchange.

all that matters is that we are going to be married forever.  that’s all that matters.

so now i just go day by day. i have a few goals: keep up with my class, and maybe even work ahead. pack my house BEFORE it’s time to move (and find boxes in which to stuff all of my stuff). check off a few things here and there on my big long list of things to do.

but the stress? i have it.  most every day, the day is crazy busy.  right now i feel compelled to multitask–ordering the memory card my bridesmaid photographer needs because i’ve forgotten for something like two weeks and looking at my to-do list at the same time.  and very very soon i need to turn off gilmore girls and put away the blog and the facebook and the internet and read charles dickens as quickly as possible.

but overall i really have this ‘i don’t care’ sort of fog that has descended.  it’s lovely.

it’s a blessing. and i really appreciate it.