reaching.

there are moments very recently when the way i feel can only be described as the world hitting me from all sides.

(i know that i have been way angsty of late here, mainly because i don’t have time to blog all of the awesome that happens every day (although after friday, i will most definitely be recapping you on my THREE bridal showers…all of which were VERY different, i can assure you). )

people told me that things were going to be crazy. i thought they meant to-do list crazy (which is most certainly true).  i thought they meant getting things done crazy. i thought they meant being organized and deliberate and taking care of the small stuff.

i thought that, yes, it would be hard but that i have juggled crazy before and survived well.  i figured this would be the same.

this is nothing like the same.

i literally feel like the bff and i are in the middle of a storm.  every day, it seems, the stress descends, even on my mild mannered and adorably untouchable bff who rarely, if ever, cracks under pressure.  and it’s not just one thing, and it’s not just the wedding.  it’s everything.

school. work. wedding. moving.

but those are the to-do list things. i think the things that are hitting us where we live are the more intangible things.  feeling like what we do isn’t good enough. feeling the pressure to please certain people who, in all reality, might never be pleased–but still feeling pressured to do it.  finding a middle ground between what we want and what will make others happy. finding a way to do everything when we both feel absolutely and completely inadequate.  disappointments. frustrations.

last night, after what can only be described as a bad day for both of us, we talked for hours.  we talked about lots of things–things that we needed to talk about, things that we will continue to talk about, things that we want, the way we imagine our lives–and after a peaceful lull, i looked at him and quietly asked him why he thought things were so hard lately.

it’s not that we haven’t had hard before. i feel like, in some ways, the degree to which we have not had to fight with each other has been translated into fighting for our dreams externally. neither one of us is wimpy. neither one of us shies away from struggle.

but now? it just feels so much…harder.

the moment i asked it, i realized the answer. a quiet voice in my mind and in my heart told me why.

we are about to get married. for forever. we are about to create a family that will love the Lord and honor His commandments. we are about to promise to fight for each other and fight for our family come what may. we are about to promise to never look for an individual exit, but always look for the path we can walk together.

we are about to do something miraculous.

it’s no wonder the opposition has stepped up its assault.

all of the sudden, it became clear to me.  i suppose i expected the opposition to manifest itself in ways that i had predicted–i said as much, sheepishly, and the bff sort of laughed and said “oh yeah…because that’s always how it happens.” i was expecting it to be hard to fight certain temptations. i was expecting to feel bewildered by the amount of things to do. i was expecting to feel stress.

but i wasn’t expecting that stress to be coming from the areas that it’s coming from. and in those times, it’s hard for me to come up for air.  i begin to think, in my limited perspective, that struggling struggling struggling to get through every day with some measure of peace and some degree of accomplishment, to meet the expectations of my job and my relationship and myself, is the only way that life will ever be. sometimes, i begin to think that i’m not really getting anywhere. sometimes, i worry that i never will.

on the bad days, it feels like the weight of the world is holding me back.

it is the moments when i reach out, and find the bff, and he understands and he feels the same and for that brief moment, or for those few hours, the whole world lifts off of my shoulders.  it is in those moments when i feel the peace return, when i realize that all of those prayers that we’ve been praying about being prepared in every way for our lives together are being answered in our struggles. in those moments, i feel like i can fight another day and i commit to fighting well and struggling on and doing all i can to do all i can.

in those moments i can breathe.

often, they are preceded by true and honest difficulty. but in the face of incredible opposition and struggle, i will reach out for the hand of the man that i love and reach up for the hand of the God that i know knows me.

and we will walk through it together.

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3 Responses to “reaching.”

  1. And so I hate to break the news that there will be rougher roads even after August 8th. Beautiful roads, but rough ones. During one such trying time, as I too wept in prayer, I asked the Lord why marriage had to be so hard sometimes. The answer rang clear and strong: “Because this is the most important thing you will ever do.” I’ve heard that answer more since then. There is nothing that makes us more like God than marriage. It brings us to Him. It makes us Creators. It cultivates patience, creativity, love, and an ability to care about the happy progression of someone else more than your own. It is absolutely the most important, crucial, stretching, beautiful, fun thing we will ever ever do. And the fun party on the 8th will be just the beginning. So. . . take a nap and send me some papers to grade for you.

  2. I’m pretty sure about a month before my wedding I went to you…I was crying and stressed….questioning why everything was hitting me so hard and putting so much weight on my shoulders. Without thought you knew why. You told me each day as I moved toward marriage, the adversary would try harder to derail my goals. Keeping reminding yourself that. There will be stress and issues; probably more in the coming weeks. But you will make it through the stress and it will make you two stronger as a couple.

    And Ditto Morgen who said just because August 8th rolls past, doesn’t mean the road will be smooth and easy.

  3. lindzml Says:

    …thank you for putting into words and explaining to me what Bobby and I have been dealing with as of late. It has been impossibly hard (and we have had some VERY tough roads already) to handle his being gone, my living in his home with his family without him, my new job (all by myself), trying to meet new friends and keep old friends and plan a wedding (all by myself)…I feel ya on the stress. Please give me a call if you need to vent or talk or gush or all of the above. I’m so happy that you’ve found someone that completes you so well. 🙂 You more than deserve it.

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