Archive for July, 2009

let’s make a list.

Posted in Uncategorized on July 14, 2009 by drbolte

i haven’t worked out.

i haven’t written in my journal every day like i wanted to.

i haven’t cleaned my room in about one thousand years. in theory, that works okay since i’m moving in like two weeks, but in practice it makes the crazy even worse.

i haven’t started grading papers. more papers come in tomorrow.

i haven’t turned on the utilities for our new apartment. TWO WEEKS.

i haven’t figured out what to do with the books that i have that are in overflowing boxes. i don’t know where to take them or what to do with them. i just want them gone, but can’t bear to throw them away.

i haven’t picked up my dress.

i haven’t done a hair trial.

i haven’t dyed my hair yet for the wedding.

i haven’t finished buying/trying my makeup.

i haven’t figured out, yet, who is actually coming to my wedding. facebook has been helpful in this regard, though.

i haven’t ordered the cupcakes yet or done the two-week finalizing meeting with the florist or a whole host of assorted other stupid details that have to be done.

i haven’t paid my car payment yet this month.

i haven’t been paid yet this semester.

i haven’t practiced my first dance with my fiance yet, and it requires practice. especially for me.

i haven’t stuck to my diet or workout plan, and so i gained like five pounds in a weekend. i can’t tell you how demoralizing that is. see lack of motivation to work out.

i haven’t started planning for my fall classes, and they’re looming ever-so-large in my mind.

i haven’t the foggiest idea what anyone can actually do to help me.  i am not sure anyone can, really, and that’s the hardest part. i have so many people who are willing to help, but how do i get them to when everything really does have to be done by me?

in which time magically stands still but i still don’t have enough.

Posted in bridal diaries on July 13, 2009 by drbolte

it’s the sand slipping through your fingers phenomenon, or the waterwatereverywhere curse.

time seems to have screeched to a grinding, tire-shredding halt here in counting-down-to-wedding-day land.  those of you who are planning or will be planning soon?  know that once you hit a month, and you think that everything will be a blur of speediness, you’re wrong.

it crawls.

CRAWLS, i tell you.

but at the same time, i have not enough time to accomplish everything that i need to accomplish. every day i read and plan. now i have 26+ papers to grade, which should be really, really fun.

(she says sarcastically.)

desperately need to start putting things on craig’s list and finding places to dump my BOXES of books and other stuff that i don’t want and going through all of my stuff and starting the packing process.

but instead, every day i spend doing the same things–waking up, getting ready, teaching, planning, working out, hanging out with the bff at night, and sometimes doing something related to wedding planning in that time.

i don’t understand this weird time vortex.  it’s oddly perplexing.

i’m afraid–oh so desperately afraid–that i will begin to make to-do lists in my head for things that need to be done AFTER we get married and get back from the mystery honeymoon (yeah, i still don’t know where we’re going, but i am pretty sure i have a solid idea) and the wedding week and most especially the wedding day will fly past without me really enjoying it.

i really just want to take it all in.

and that’s where my head is at.

i’m not dead.

Posted in Uncategorized on July 8, 2009 by drbolte

just trying to pack reading and lesson planning, packing, and wedding planning into days that i mainly just want to spend curled up with the bff.

today marks a month. i can’t tell you how much there is left to do, much of which will literally be left to the end to do. oh yes, the friday before my wedding is going to be a doozie.

but i’ll have help, so it will be okay.

in the meantime, i’m not dead.  how are you?

the hardest thing about 33 days left…

Posted in bff, bridal diaries, faith is action on July 6, 2009 by drbolte

…is leaving to go home every night.

I want to be married.

38.

Posted in bff, books are bliss, bridal diaries, etcetera, going quietly mad, i love my life, me, teaching, the engaged life, wish i may wish i might on July 1, 2009 by drbolte

i have a friend who used to be a roommate (hi friend!) who just moved to begin a grand adventure in a faraway state.  she just packed up her car and went. i am incredibly proud of her chutzpah.  i am not going to write about chutzpah, but i bring up this friend because her most recent blog post had the most magnificent title: “the days are long but the months will be short.”

(her titles are always wonderful and deep. unlike mine.  but that’s okay.)

i love that title because that, in short, encapsulates my life.

i have suddenly woken up with the very real, very visceral realization that i am getting married in 38 days.. i have less than six weeks left.  you know, the six week mark where you’re supposed to start all of those bridal makeover plans, where you stop drinking caffeine (done…like 15 years ago), start eating vegetables and fruits in rich abundance (i’m now in love with spinach salad, fyi…why is it so good?), and start exercising your face off (me and the gym are now friends again. i missed it.  i really did.).

this is the time when all the stuff you’ve put off because it was just too far away to do actually needs to get done.

this is also the time when i have started teaching. i really like my class. a bunch of people dropped, so i only have 26 students, but they’re intelligent and insightful and have much to say about jane austen already. i usually find that austen either creates not much conversation or a strictly reactionary discussion about plot and character. that’s not the case with these students.  they are making really rich connections between cultural expectations and character development, discussing thematic elements, and demonstrating a great deal of independent thought.

i really like them. i think they’re a different kind of class.

(it strikes me that i may be a better teacher than i was, but that’s neither here nor there.)

but this class requires me to make use of every moment of my time effectively.  for the past few days, i have been coming home and taking a quick nap after class, aiming to keep my goal of getting eight hours of sleep each day. if i can’t get it at night, i try to catch up during the day.

i just can’t do it.  there isn’t enough time, it seems, to do all my preparations for class (which includes about 100 pages of reading a day), to go to the gym for about an hour (which i won’t give up. i refuse.), to come home and prepare dinner, to spend time with the bff, and to get the other things done that need to get done. it just…i need like six hours more a day.

i literally and sincerely have no idea how everything will get done. i really don’t.  the bff, bless him, has made it his goal this week to make my life easier. he has told me that i need to give him tasks to do and he will do them.  so, i did. and really, the way i feel is that all of the important stuff has been done. the rest is just a series (a long series, to be sure) of little things that need to be done in order to ensure that things turn out the way that we imagined. but if things are different than we expected? oh well.

(i say this now. but i still really want things to be done and get done and all to be as we imagined.  but i’m trying to be chill.)

my mind is just crammed, but not coherently crammed.  if it were an actual to-do list in any sort of cohesive order, i think it would be easier. instead, it’s really just a big puddle of things that need to get done, often with an accompanying sense of urgency which doesn’t make much sense.

for example, i feel REALLY impressed that i need to get rid of all of my extra books, like, yesterday. that makes no chronological sense.  but there you go. it’s fairly indicative of where my head is at.

so i go about my days, which seem long and packed with running here and there and trying to finish everything that needs to be done each day.

and i look up and clap my hand over my mouth and realize that in one month, i will be moving into our new apartment. and one week after that, we will be married.

it will fly by.  it really already has.

i only hope i can make the most of each of those packed days.  i’m sure trying.