Archive for the bff Category

38.

Posted in bff, books are bliss, bridal diaries, etcetera, going quietly mad, i love my life, me, teaching, the engaged life, wish i may wish i might on July 1, 2009 by drbolte

i have a friend who used to be a roommate (hi friend!) who just moved to begin a grand adventure in a faraway state.  she just packed up her car and went. i am incredibly proud of her chutzpah.  i am not going to write about chutzpah, but i bring up this friend because her most recent blog post had the most magnificent title: “the days are long but the months will be short.”

(her titles are always wonderful and deep. unlike mine.  but that’s okay.)

i love that title because that, in short, encapsulates my life.

i have suddenly woken up with the very real, very visceral realization that i am getting married in 38 days.. i have less than six weeks left.  you know, the six week mark where you’re supposed to start all of those bridal makeover plans, where you stop drinking caffeine (done…like 15 years ago), start eating vegetables and fruits in rich abundance (i’m now in love with spinach salad, fyi…why is it so good?), and start exercising your face off (me and the gym are now friends again. i missed it.  i really did.).

this is the time when all the stuff you’ve put off because it was just too far away to do actually needs to get done.

this is also the time when i have started teaching. i really like my class. a bunch of people dropped, so i only have 26 students, but they’re intelligent and insightful and have much to say about jane austen already. i usually find that austen either creates not much conversation or a strictly reactionary discussion about plot and character. that’s not the case with these students.  they are making really rich connections between cultural expectations and character development, discussing thematic elements, and demonstrating a great deal of independent thought.

i really like them. i think they’re a different kind of class.

(it strikes me that i may be a better teacher than i was, but that’s neither here nor there.)

but this class requires me to make use of every moment of my time effectively.  for the past few days, i have been coming home and taking a quick nap after class, aiming to keep my goal of getting eight hours of sleep each day. if i can’t get it at night, i try to catch up during the day.

i just can’t do it.  there isn’t enough time, it seems, to do all my preparations for class (which includes about 100 pages of reading a day), to go to the gym for about an hour (which i won’t give up. i refuse.), to come home and prepare dinner, to spend time with the bff, and to get the other things done that need to get done. it just…i need like six hours more a day.

i literally and sincerely have no idea how everything will get done. i really don’t.  the bff, bless him, has made it his goal this week to make my life easier. he has told me that i need to give him tasks to do and he will do them.  so, i did. and really, the way i feel is that all of the important stuff has been done. the rest is just a series (a long series, to be sure) of little things that need to be done in order to ensure that things turn out the way that we imagined. but if things are different than we expected? oh well.

(i say this now. but i still really want things to be done and get done and all to be as we imagined.  but i’m trying to be chill.)

my mind is just crammed, but not coherently crammed.  if it were an actual to-do list in any sort of cohesive order, i think it would be easier. instead, it’s really just a big puddle of things that need to get done, often with an accompanying sense of urgency which doesn’t make much sense.

for example, i feel REALLY impressed that i need to get rid of all of my extra books, like, yesterday. that makes no chronological sense.  but there you go. it’s fairly indicative of where my head is at.

so i go about my days, which seem long and packed with running here and there and trying to finish everything that needs to be done each day.

and i look up and clap my hand over my mouth and realize that in one month, i will be moving into our new apartment. and one week after that, we will be married.

it will fly by.  it really already has.

i only hope i can make the most of each of those packed days.  i’m sure trying.

the 44 days project.

Posted in bff, i love my life, the engaged life on June 24, 2009 by drbolte

when it neared the end of 2008, i was also nearing the end of my journal pages. i’d bought it around the middle or so of 2006, and it had basically seen me through the bff’s mission and all that came with that two-year span of personal development.  it was obviously full of a lot of important stuff.

once i got back to gville in 2009, i wrote a few things over the first two weeks, but then dropped off as life sped up.  i wrote about the big milestones here, so things were recorded, but very little of the really deep internal stuff got recorded, fleshed out.

as the wedding has gotten closer, i have felt more and more compelled to record.  the blog is different. i feel like the blog has become, in some ways, a way to record the excitement i feel about what’s going on, to update you on what’s happening. it has drifted from personal introspection because, for whatever reason, that introspection has become increasingly deep.

in short, the divide betweeen blog fodder and journal contents seems alarmingly large.

this realization lit a fire under me, if by fire you mean it took me about a week and a half to do something about it.

but i bought a journal today.  and as i was thinking about why i felt so almost desperate to get one and start writing, i realized that the most priceless gift i could give myself and my children is to record all that’s going on right now.

there’s a lot more to getting married than buying a dress and having a party.  it’s the joining of two people, two families, two worlds that can be very different.  it’s the figuring out how you want to raise your children and how often you want to have breakfast for dinner.  it’s coming up with a financial plan and deciding which color comforter you both like.

for me, it has been a road paved with a lot of realizations that i’m only now understanding.  it’s the confronting of a lot of the things that i don’t like about myself–learning how to change those things or how to be kind and accept them as a wholesale lot.

i think these are the things that no one really tells you about being engaged.  i think these are the things that i never want to forget about being engaged.

so, for the next 44 days, i’m going to write in my journal every day (or try as much as i can). so much happens every day.

my little red journal, then, will become the story of our engagement from my perspective.  i think that will be a beautiful gift to give myself–and to all of the little bffs that come along.

i am excited about it.

have you left me?

Posted in bff, family, forward my mail, Life, me, my amazing mother, superheckyes, the engaged life, the glass is half FULL on June 17, 2009 by drbolte

…or are you just melting somewhere in the death hot?

my main goal every single day lately is to stay alive in this heat and to stay hydrated at the same time. it takes effort, i want to tell you.

i’m off to nc tomorrow morning to spend a week with my family. it will be wedding preparationspalooza, with a side of going to the apple store and forcing them to replace my shorted out power cord and some time spent at the gym and blissfully asleep in the seriously air conditioned house, hopefully with a cat or two by my side. i feel like naps are definitely going to be in order.

i’m very excited. i don’t think i’ve been this excited to go anywhere for a while, and that makes me very happy. i can already feel the weight of stress leaving me.

changes of scene are good.

the bff is not so excited to see me leave, for which i feel a bit guilty.  i will miss him, of course, but i am thrilled to be able to go hang out and get taken care of by my mama.

i need it. i’m not ashamed to admit that at all.

the bff will be here, finishing classes and working at a new job and probably playing a lot of ncaa football 2009 and (i hope) doing fun things with his friends too.  i am hoping he will catch up on his sleep as well. and i am really hoping he will eat while i’m gone.

(i feed him a lot.)

come what may, it will be good. when i return, i will return to my first bridal shower and the start of the summer class that i will be teaching up until the wedding and the sprint to the finish.

the finish, of course, being the absolute bliss and blessing of starting our lives together.

i’m not sure if i’ll blog this week. i imagine i might, but i’m not sure. so keep me on your readers and i’ll pop back in when i’m back, when my computer is fixed, and with heaps of updates on lacy, frilly, pearly, gorgeous things i bought and fun times i had.

it will be good.

take care of yourselves and each other in the meantime. and drink some water, will you please? it’s hot out there.

bridal diaries: in which i introduce and illustrate what i call “bride brain.”

Posted in bff, bridal diaries, me, the engaged life on June 15, 2009 by drbolte

this weekend, the bff and i went to otown to get some things done.  basically, it was wedding gown weekend. i was going to meet with his grandma to get measurements taken, to find a pattern and fabric, and to show her my dress so that she could make the bolero that she said that she would be willing to make for me. i also made an appointment at david’s to get my alterations done, since i was told that they wanted two months to do them. we were only planning on being there for a little bit over a day–we left on friday afternoon and would leave to return to gville on saturday night.

we left a bit later than we had intended, and i packed only after i ran home from work.  i felt like we needed to hurry and leave because we were running late, but we got there safely and were intending to make some good use of the pool once we did.

(this may explain my hurry to leave.)

when we got there, the bff’s mom told me that she had found a dress for the bff’s sister, who is one of my bridesmaids, and wanted me to see it. it looks a lot like mine in design, which she was worried would bother me (it doesn’t.), and when the bff’s sister got there, she tried it on. we were all standing in the guest room and the bff’s sister said that she really wanted to see my dress. i began to reply that she could see it sometime and then it hit me. it literally felt like something hit me.

I LEFT MY DRESS IN GVILLE.

all of my worrying about what shorts to wear and whether or not i had flip flops that properly matched mattered very little when i forgot the one thing that was absolutely essential to the success of this weekend.

i was horrified. i was already exhausted, headachy (i feel like i’ve had a headache for about a week straight), and hot.  now i was stupid and forgetful.

i went and grabbed my purse, intending to just go back and get it.  the bff’s parents were horrified at this, worried that i would be too tired and suggesting that i just come down another weekend and get it done.  a light of realization glimmered in their eyes when i told them that there wasn’t another weekend before the wedding that i could do it.  every single weekend was occupied.

i don’t think they really understood before that how busy i actually am.

there were many options tossed around about how to fix the situation: go then and stay in gville overnight and come back in the morning, have the bff and the bff’s dad wake up very early in the morning and go to gville to get my dress, hang out for a little while and then go get it, or go then and get it and turn around and come right back.  though the least popular option among the bff’s family, the last option was really the only one i could deal with.

see, the minute i realized that i had left my dress, a colossal wave of “i can’t believe i did that” and “how stupid can you be?” and “what a huge waste” crashed down on my brain.  the idea of waiting around just made my skin crawl. i had to fix it. and i had to fix it then.

bless him, the bff, when we talked about what to do, totally understood and just grabbed the keys and said “let’s go.” i was surprised–it seemed unnecessary for him to come. it was my mistake. i was very okay with just going and coming back. i wanted him to stay and hang out with his family.  it would have been fine, truly.

but he would have none of it.  so we drove up, grabbed the dress, tore a loop off of our paper chain, and got back in the car.

he is a saint, according to my mom, because he never once, even for a moment, seemed irritated or critical of my MASSIVE mistake.  he just understood.  he probably understands better than anyone how fried my brain is right now.

so luckily we got all of  the stuff done that we needed to do. and my alterations? take two weeks.  NOT two months.  oh well.

as we were pulling into the parking lot of my apartment building on saturday night, the bff turned to me (who was driving) and said “i left my keys in your car, right?”

nope. left them on the keyring in otown.

(luckily, the bff’s sister is coming back today, so his keys will be arriving soon.)

with a roommate out of town and no spares to be found at 11pm, the bff was relegated to camping on our couch and wearing whatever he had in the car.

it happens. apparently, lately, it’s contagious. i thought that was an appropriate way to end the weekend, actually.

oh dear.

bridal diaries: favor quotes.

Posted in bff, bridal diaries, me, the engaged life on June 10, 2009 by drbolte

i was going to write today a whining post about how MUCH I JUST WANT MY BODY TO FREAKING ADJUST to birth control already, and about how i am experiencing just the tiniest bit of what it must be like to have morning sickness and i’m NOT a fan (that’s stupid. is anyone?), and about how when i was 130 pounds heavier, somehow birth control was not this horrible, and about how periods are absolutely NOT easier (yet) because i woke up this morning, after mercifully sleeping well but dreaming about weddings all night, with literally everything except my chest and my feet in some degree of pain, and about how that, on top of whatever else it is that is plaguing my body by making me randomly feverish periodically, made me think that this was just the suckage.

BUT.

things are looking up. i ate an apple and it tasted good. i actually got more cheerful when i got to work with students at work. the time passed more quickly than i thought it would because of the aforementioned students.  my bff is the most amazing guy ever. i read weddingbee and got wedding excited. and my night will probably consist of laying on my futon mattress, sprawled out in the middle of the living room floor, watching reality television. i might possibly eat banana pancakes. or poptarts.

things are looking up.

so here’s your wedding planning update.

favor bags.

i bought some, off of oriental trading, in red and yellow (or maybe i got them in red and white? i can’t remember now…). i will fill them with some kind of candy that has yet tbd, and they will be lovely. they look something like this:

14_302

but i want to personalize them somehow.

basically, i want to schmaltz them up with a quote and something with our names and wedding date. i’ll probably use the same font as i did on our invitations, so that’s not hard.

but choosing the quote…THAT’S hard.

i randomly saw this on someone’s facebook status. it’s from wuthering heights.

“he shall never know how I love him: and that, but because he is more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same.”

it’s a lovely sentiment and very true for us, but i’m not sure i want my wedding tainted with what is perhaps the WORST AND MOST UNHEALTHY relationship ever captured in print.

i have had this quote on my facebook wall for ages, and i used it in the bff’s valentine’s day extravaganza gift.

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.–Lao Tzu.

i love that quote, but it’s not really over the top romantic, is it? just true.

so i went to the google and i googled some stuff.  these are rather lovely.

Two human loves make one divine.–Elizabeth Barret Browning

True love stories never have endings.  ~Richard Bach

Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies.–Aristotle

anyone have any others? i’m not sure i’ve found the right one yet. i haven’t even hit the song lyrics, though…that’s always an option…

bridal diaries: thick and thin.

Posted in bff, bridal diaries, faith is action, me on June 8, 2009 by drbolte

i got sick yesterday, with what felt frighteningly like when i had a massive kidney stone/infection about three years ago. i would officially call that the sickest i have been in recent years. i can hardly think of a time when i was sicker, unless it was with the migraines i got in high school (probably a combination of hormones and the massive addiction i had to GIANT tubs of pepsi at lunch), one of which left me asleep on the floor of the bathroom.

yeah, i was that sick. and i’m really glad i have that memory still because, honestly, it puts a lot of things into perspective.

but the kidney infection/stone of yore was no better. i was SO sick, possibly because of a reaction to the antibiotic they gave me but possibly just because it was so horrible.

anyway.

i started feeling that stabbing/squeezing/horrible side pain again and i got scared. i had been ridiculously exhausted all day, and the pain hit me pretty fast, and all i could think of was being that sick and how i desperately didn’t want that. i don’t really know what it was, but i got a blessing and the pain is basically gone.  it’s very possible that it was a small kidney stone. felt like it.  but i have an assurance that it will not come back and that it’s nothing to worry about, which is exactly what i needed.

because i was scared. and all i thought during the three or so hours that i was suffering was that i was falling apart. i am about to get married and i am falling apart.

the bff was worried about me.  he’s so sweet. i love him so much, and i really didn’t want him to have to deal with a dilapidated bride.  when i realized that he was really worried–understandable, because i really was hurting pretty bad–i told him he would probably fall apart when i had a baby. he said he wouldn’t, because that pain is supposed to happen.

(i’m putting it out there, right now. i don’t think he’ll handle me being in that kind of pain well. we’ll see…)

but as the night went on and i realized that the bff has seen me at my worst–bad attitude, illness, sadness–i understand better what it means to be together forever.  i worry, i guess, sometimes that seeing me at my worst will somehow make him love me less.  i think that’s natural, especially for someone whose biggest fear is that she’ll be a bad wife.  but i’m realizing that it is in those moments when i am broken down, when i need him most, that our love grows the most.

it’s a blessing for sure, and i’m grateful for it.  i’m grateful for the times when i’m weak so that it can make everything else stronger.  i don’t like being weak and i don’t like being sick.

but i like the lessons it teaches me.

coming up for air.

Posted in bff, bridal diaries, disney princesses got nothin' on me, dissertation, drama drama drama, etcetera, faith is action, i love my life, magic, me on June 5, 2009 by drbolte

hi all.

thanks for letting me vent in the last post. thanks to those of you who chimed in with responses.  i’m sure it will all get done and i am sure that i will get better at asking for help. in the meantime, though, i came up with a plan that is already helping me.

a. stop worrying about the dissertation.

that’s right. i’m officially calling it.  dissertation is going on real hold (not that actual hold that it’s been on while i fret and worry and feel guilt-infused over not doing it) until after the wedding. i just don’t have time, even if i used every available moment of my spare time, and even if i did, i am too frazzled to do much of substance.  so it’s on hold.

and, as my wise mama said, if we are prioritizing tasks based on their due date, that one’s last anyways.

she’s brilliant, my mom.

b. read wedding blogs every day. specifically, in my days of stress, weddingbee is keeping me sane. i skim it over, revel in the bridalness, and am suddenly grateful that i am doing things the way i am doing them.

and it usually inspires me to start thinking/planning things that i need to be thinking/planning.

c. be kind to myself. or, in the wise words of a friend of mine, create small manageable goals.

yesterday, that was to workout hard and to straighten my room.  i did it. i also tried to make homemade donuts, which i realized i have neither the patience nor the oil stores to do effectively. therefore, yesterday was a success.

i also painted my toenails. crappily, but they’re painted.

in the new vein of being kind to myself, i’m just going to let them be crappily painted until i have the wherewithal or the time to do it again.  and lighting. i clearly need better lighting.

d. keep breaking the chain.

did i tell you about our paper chain?  i can’t remember, so i’m telling you anyway. if you’ve already heard this, could you, i don’t know, talk amongst yourselves for a moment?

we created a paper chain, the bff and i, to count down to our wedding. you know, in case the countdown on my facebook page and on my blog wasn’t enough (which it’s not).  we wanted some kind of tactile way that we could do it.

it makes the days when it seems like it will NEVER get here go by faster.

especially as we are getting perilously near the two month loop. whoo!

e. find things like this...

and just know that, come what may, my wedding is going to be amazing. and very much me.

i’ll admit it. it’s beginning to get to me.

Posted in bff, bridal diaries, dissertation, drama drama drama, etcetera, i love my life, i promise you that you won't care, Life, me, mirror mirror on the wall, sigh, the engaged life, the glass is half FULL, wish i may wish i might on June 3, 2009 by drbolte

last night, while i was sitting in institute, i realized that i have about zero weekends between now and the wedding that are not already planned/carved out/offer no opportunities for relaxation or beach trips.

this weekend: friend of bff’s visits, i meet for the first time despite having an email/facebook/texting relationship. i will be cleaning. also, one of my roommates is moving out for reals (i.e. she’s been gone for a while, but her furniture’s still there, so…she’s really leaving this weekend.  so…there’s that.

next weekend: otown for bridal gown bolero shopping/measurements/planning. take dress to be altered. father’s day.

weekend after that: in NC (finally! i haven’t been home since march and not since i was officially engaged) with mom, doing all sorts of wedding stuff that will hopefully alleviate some stress but is likely to be jampacked with wedding stuff, including meeting with my NC bridesmaids to talk dresses and jewelry and squee a little and my bridesmaid/photographer to talk shot lists and to get her what she needs.

weekend after that: my first shower in otown, filled with people i don’t really know yet very well. note: this is the weekend before i begin teaching my summer class(es).

weekend after that: 4th of July. i’m guessing we’ll be up north frolicking on the boat with the bff’s family. sounds like restfulness, but it’s still somewhere to be on my best behavior. depending on the teaching schedule, i may or may not bow out of this. however, i get friday off…so maybe it won’t be so bad.

weekend after that: my NC shower. i fly out on friday night, attend the shower on saturday late morning (which i’m REALLY excited about), fly out on sunday afternoon.

weekend after that: my gville shower on friday night (aka girls night…). saturday i have free, but will likely collapse. or, don’t forget, that i’ll be teaching, so i’ll probably be grading grading grading grading.

weekend after that: the weekend before i move, aka the packing weekend. i very much doubt i’ll get much done before that.

weekend after that: we move all of our stuff into our new apartment. as of right now, me and my stuff will be homeless for about 2 1/2 days.  i’m hoping to use my considerable powers of persuasion to convince the apartment complex to let me stay. we’ll see how that flies. but i will take up residence in our new place that day, and the bff will stay at his place until we’re married.

weekend after that: WEDDING!

this sounds like complaining, doesn’t it.  i’m not complaining.  i’m just…absolutely overwhelmed by the magnitude of it all.  my attitude used to be to chuckle and say WHOOO! when i talked about how crazy things were going to be.  but i’m tired already, and i think it’s simply the weight of everything that stands between now and august 8th.

i have classes to plan for that i haven’t even started, really, other than constructing a syllabus. i have an online gig that i have to finish. i have to find out if i’ll be teaching another upper-division class in the fall and, if so, i’ve got to plan that deal because i sincerely doubt that they’re going to let me not have a syllabus to them as it gets to be a month or so before classes begin. i have a room to pack and, what’s more, i have TONS of crap to wade through and get rid of.

(luckily, mom is doing a yard sale in NC when i’m there the first time, so i’ll be hauling copious amounts of stuff up there to see if i can sell it. if not, it will go to goodwill there and i will be done with it. but when will i have time to gather all of that stuff together?)

and let’s not even talk about the dissertation, which i haven’t touched in a month. at all.

this all sounds like complaining still.  like everyone doesn’t have a busy life.

i know.

i’m venting.

it’s my blog. it’s where i do such things.

but…how? how do i do it all? the bff, oh how i love him, says i can do anything and, thus, i can do everything.  i adore him for thinking that, but i want to know HOW.  how can i do it all?  how can i get everything done?

it seems impossible.  truly.

and how do i keep my wits about me when all the world is losing theirs?

oh, let’s face it…when i’m losing mine?

suggestions? is this normal? am i a bridezilla?

i think i have lost all perspective.

dream a little dream…and then freak the heck out.

Posted in bff, bridal diaries, etcetera, the engaged life on June 3, 2009 by drbolte

i had a ridiculously terrible dream last night.  i woke up crying. i am fairly certain that i have never done that before.

but in this dream, i went from being pregnant to being diagnosed with a fatal disease (something to do with an excess of riboflavin…thank you, brain, for making up the most ridiculous and absolutely fictional fatal disease ever) that would kill me, i was assured, by november 11th.

as in two months after my wedding.

the reality of this hit me full force in my dream, and i began to sob only when i began to ask why me.  why couldn’t i stay around and live the life i’ve dreamed with the man that i’ve finally found, the one who is my perfect match?

i woke up sobbing too.

i realized, with the help of the memory of the riboflavin thing and a sweet text message from the bff that all was well, that it was all a dream. but it’s amazing how a dream can really shake you to your core, fictional or not.

i went back to sleep, only to have a dream that somehow featured me trying to try on a red dress (i am looking for one that i want to wear to the temple on my wedding day (i will get ready there)) in a sonny’s, which for some reason featured row after row after row of delicious looking pastries that i somehow, in my dream state, convinced myself not to eat or even sample even though i wanted to.  (go subconscious me!) but i couldn’t find a place to try on this dress to save my life, and when i did, i couldn’t get it on because it kept snagging on my toes.

weirdest. dream. ever.

i’m not sure why i have been dreaming so vividly lately, but i really have. i’ve always been a vivid dreamer–when i remember them, they are usually strange or powerful with a plotline that’s discernable but usually with a flair of ridiculous that reminds me of their fictionality.  but rarely do i remember dreaming so vividly multiple times a night for multiple nights in a row.  these dreams are seriously detailed, usually featuring me doing things that i’ve never done before.

it’s a strange trip.  i’m sure it’s all logical–my mind is really very crowded lately with details and things to do and worries about what to do and the future and what might happen and how to do everything that i want to do and you get the idea.

but it’s odd.  and oddly tiring.

in which i learn from jon and kate.

Posted in bff, life lesson number 498, TV and me are pals on May 26, 2009 by drbolte

so, i watched jon and kate plus eight last night, along with much of the tv-watching public.

unless you live under a pop culture rock (like my bff who just doesn’t care, bless him–he balances me out so nicely), you know what’s been going on. heck, if you’ve been to a grocery store in the last month and taken a gaze roundabout you, you’ve seen the magazine covers.

so i watched it.

it was terribly sad.

i was going to talk about the show and the people and the situation but now i just realized that that’s part of the problem, isn’t it?  we should stop talking about them and let them live their lives. i hope, soon, that they will just go back to living their lives, pre-TLC.  i hope that they will find a way to mend their family, if their family should be mended, or find a way to raise their children together.  i think they will.

but as we were watching, the fiance and i got to talking because i was rather perplexed at the difference, for example, between this family and a family like the duggars, who have been in the spotlight FOR YEARS. (you don’t have 18 children without some media attention.) they’ve been on tv for a while now as well.  you just don’t see the same changes. 

the fiance suggested that it was because they had their faith to ground them.

now i don’t mean to say that the gosselins don’t have faith. i actually don’t believe that at all. but the duggars make EVERY decision in their family based on a principle of faith, even down to how they spend their money and what they choose to do on vacation. you can agree or disagree with what those principles are and what they choose to do, but when every decision is based on a bedrock principle, doesn’t it make it a bit easier to not be slammed by every wind of reality television fame?

i think so.

but the principle is the same, i think, for every couple and every family.  making your foundation something substantive allows you to survive the storms.  making every decision consciously allows you to map a course for where you really want to go, so that the likelihood is that you don’t end up far, far away from where you thought your destination was. 

surprisingly, amidst the terrible sadness of that show, i think i learned something about who i want to be.  

and i looked at the bff and said “i’m glad you’re in this for forever.”

and he looked at me and said “i am” with a kind of comfortable certainty that made me sure he is.