Archive for the c Category

resolution.

Posted in c, etcetera, faith is action, i am not a gym rat, Life, me, mirror mirror on the wall, the glass is half FULL, the joys of living in Florida on September 9, 2009 by drbolte

i mentioned in passing a few posts ago that i hadn’t worked out since before the wedding. by this i mean that i haven’t been to the gym, put on a jillian michaels sadistic dvd, or otherwise done a formal exercise activity. this, however, doesn’t mean i haven’t spent time doing things that require exertion, like moving things around and walking around theme parks and digging in my small but disgustingly in need of tlc garden plot and walking across campus and you get the idea.

my problem is really time. i just didn’t have the time, or so it seemed, to truck to the gym (which is now much farther away than it once was, across gville downtown/campus traffic), work out for an hour, come home, shower, and move on with my day. i just don’t have those kinds of windows.

so i think i thought that i was just going to have to stop working out, though in the back of my mind, some part of me was screaming both in warning and in horror.

it sounded, faint though clear, a little something like this: WE HAVE NOT WORKED THIS HARD FOR YOU TO GIVE UP RIGHT NOW! THERE’S ALWAYS TIME FOR WORKING OUT! MAKE IT WORK, WOMAN! MAKE IT WORK!

you see how that might be a bit difficult to ignore, even in its faintness.

as the weeks progressed and the stress continued to build and the realities of life hit me, as they hit everyone, i realized that i wasn’t sleeping well, i wasn’t eating well, and i wasn’t feeling as regularly sassy as i normally do.

the sassy was sort of…sporadic.

i knew, in my heart of hearts, that it was because i wasn’t moving.

moving is an incredible stress reliever. it’s amazing to me what 20 minutes of giving my all to  something does not only for my sleep patterns and the way my body works but for my feeling about myself. somehow, when i see that i can in fact run for blocks at a time or i can stay at the jillian michaels workout o’ pain for the full 20 minutes, i feel like i can conquer anything.

(that’s nice to remember when i wonder, every day, if i can manage the daily mountain that faces me. which is probably a grain of sand, to quote carrie underwood, but nevertheless seems like everest sometimes.)

today, despite the fact that i really have oodles to grade and heaps to do, i decided that it was a beautiful sunny day. it’s hot but not death hot. it’s the kind of hot you want to go hang out in.  it’s an inviting kind of sunshiny florida day that makes you want to strap on an ipod and some slightly worn out sneakers and take on your neighborhood for a good game of “how long can i run before i die?”

that’s what i did today.

i tried out a pretty short loop in my neighborhood, one with well-traveled roads and as little ghetto as possible.  it was fantastic. i mapped it. it was 1.5 miles–decent, i suppose. it took me about 20 minutes, which isn’t great but isn’t horrible either.  i gave myself permission to walk as fast as i wanted and run as slow as i needed.

i came away knowing the following:

  • no matter what happens, i have to exercise. if it means that i need to wake up earlier, i need to do it.  i need to do it for me. i need to do it for my job. i need to do it for my family. a better me is a better wife, a better teacher, a better scholar, a better friend.
  • i need to remember that taking care of me is not selfish. it’s essential.
  • i need a longer route. because i’m better than i thought i was at this whole running/walking combo.
  • i liked it. a lot.
  • running slow is not a bad thing. in fact, i am beginning to think that it’s the only way i’ll be able to build up my endurance.
  • my neighborhood is actually fairly conducive to running.  i wasn’t the least bit nervous, scared, or inclined to trip.
  • i need a new ipod holder. the bra isn’t really working well.

this was a very productive day, and i’m proud of myself. even if it’s only 20 minutes a few days a week (but let’s get real: exercise is like a drug. i’ll want more soon enough.), i will find time to take care of me.

it’s going to pay off.  i know it.  here’s hoping i can stick with it.

hey wait. didn’t we pass that tree about a mile back?

Posted in bff, blogging, bridal diaries, c, i am not a gym rat, i promise you that you won't care, me, mirror mirror on the wall, the engaged life, the glass is half FULL on April 24, 2009 by drbolte

if you’ve been around for a while (and so many of you have! thank you! you’re wonderful!), you know that it was about this time last year when the blog went all fitness-y.

meaning, it’s about this time when i joined MyFoodDiary (the best thing ever, btw, if you’re looking for a way to keep track of your calories…) and started exercising like i meant it.  and as a result, i started posting ALL! SORTS! OF! EPIPHANIES! about endorphins and muscles i never knew existed and all sorts of things that really probably was of no interest to anyone else but me.

why do i bring this up now?

because…i feel it coming on again.

because the only thing i’ve felt inclined to post over the past few days were updates on what my body has been doing, since mainly my mind has been occupied with two things: getting off my butt and taking care of the sick bff.

today’s update? before my new nikes reared their ugly “you haven’t broken me in so you REALLY should have double socked” heads, i ran the winding ramp at the stadium, sprinted up a shorter straight ramp, ran a lap around the stadium, did one endzone stairs running, and did a bit of walking as well. i’d never really experienced that lung burning thing that everyone talks about.  i know what it feels like now.

see? kind of the same deal as last spring, except OHMYGOSHI’MRUNNING.  if it weren’t for my lungs burning, i could have kept going.  my legs didn’t hurt. neither did my knees.  i felt like i had a good solid pace.  and did i mention that i did all of this without my ipod, which i forgot at home?  yeah. i think i win.

so that’s your update.  kind of boring, i know.  seems like my mind is on one-track.

although, i will say that, since everyone asks me how wedding plans are coming every time they see me, that i am completely and eerily aware of the fact that i am currently existing in the calm before a MASSIVE storm. know what’s going on this summer?  well, i have about four or five days to get my chapter revisions (part one) done. then i have about a month to get my last chapter drafted before the chaos descends. in may, during the time when i will be writing said last chapter (not counting the introduction and the conclusion), i will be working two days a week at the RWC and doing a fairly intensive training class for my new (hopefully) job as an online instructor.  may is also invitation month.  we have to get those out pretty soon, and since we’re doing them ourselves, we need to get that going pretty soon.  and then there’s registering and picking up my dress and figuring out the whole alterations thing and you see where i’m going with this.

so maybe having a simplistic one-track mind right now is a blessing.  maybe then i can actually get things done before the world in general explodes.

but maybe the exploding world will result in much more interesting stories.  until then…just hang with me.

ps. i also just saw that bride wars comes out on dvd on tuesday. despite my rather sharply constrained budget, i may buy that movie and watch it every week to remind myself that the thing that is important is LOVE. not cakes. or highlights. or tans. or anything else.

update on cxxvii: magic shoes.

Posted in c, etcetera, faith is action, fall is football, gators, i am not a gym rat, me, mirror mirror on the wall, the glass is half FULL on April 23, 2009 by drbolte

i went to rack room and bought some nikes.

they are pure magic.

know how i know?

9 minute 20 second miles on the crossramp.  doing intervals.

but whaaa?!?

also, while i was at said gym, i watched ESPN a little. and when i was watching ESPN? i saw a story about how percy harvin may have tested positive for pot at the february nfl draft dealio.

yeah, good job there percy.

(idiot. if it’s true. but even if it’s not, they spent a copious amount of time talking about how he lives in a little something called percy land, where he thinks everything is about him. that’s gotta suck. plus…i think it’s true.)

so i crossramped for 6.5 miles and 63 minutes and i think i’ll go to the stadium tonight.

go me.

it’s amazing how much happier i feel and how much more at home in my own skin i feel when i’m full of endorphins. it was an extraordinary difference yesterday afternoon.  why don’t i remember that more often?

i hope stadiums go as well.  i like working hard for something.  i hope i remember that as well.

cxxviii: yo-yo freakshow.

Posted in c, etcetera, faith is action, i am not a gym rat, me, mirror mirror on the wall on April 22, 2009 by drbolte

so i’ve been slacking seriously on the weight loss front.

stop. that’s not true. that’s part of the problem, that attitude right there.

i have been incredibly hard on myself about what i’ve been doing and not doing. what have i not been doing? exercising as often as i was pre-november. gosh, i wonder why. what have i been doing? eating pretty much whatever i want whenever i want but doing it in such a way as to maintain the weight loss that i have worked so hard for.

that’s actually quite extraordinary, considering i’ve been cooking more, making way more desserts, and eating foods that i don’t normally eat.  or didn’t normally eat.

ANYWAYS.

but what i’ve been incredibly frustrated with is that i’ve been losing and gaining the same three pounds. i never really get above that one marker that i consider my end-all be-all point of no return. well, that’s a lie. i did once. but i kicked it into high gear and brought it back down. but for the past two months or so, it’s been a see-saw.  that ever-present number, then down three pounds to the happy progress! oh my gosh! i’ve broken my plateau! number.

and then back to the ever-present number.

my body is clearly very happy at this number. i, however, am not.

that’s not to say that i am not happy with my body and where it is. it’s much smaller than it’s ever been, and i’m happy with that. but that number…it has to go down.  i have a goal, yes, and it’s a realistic goal.  but i have to crack this final threshold number. i’m being necessarily vague, but it’s a big one. and when i crack it, i never ever ever want to go above it again unless there’s a fetus inside of me. and even then, i better be in my third trimester.

(oh wow. i’m talking about babies. and it’s an actual possibility soon. WEIRD.)

but that number.  oh how i hate it. i don’t remember when the last time was that i was below it.  i’m not sure i have been below it anytime since about the 6th or 7th grade.  i know i was definitely above it in the 8th grade, so…there you go.

but what i realized today, and this may come as no shock whatsoever to you but it was a bit of a revelation to me, is that i can’t have it both ways. i can maintain while eating the way i am. that’s essentially the life that i am living.  i am living the maintenance lifestyle. if that’s what i want, if that’s where i’m happy, then that’s what i can do.

but that’s not what i want.

i feel like, in a lot of areas in my life, i am coming out of a bit of a rest period. i’m back to working on my dissertation, but with an urgency of finishing that i haven’t yet felt. i just want to be done. i think i’m getting to the point where, because i can begin to see glimmers of light at the end of the tunnel, i am willing to work as hard as necessary, sleep as little as possible, give up man vs. food and deadliest catch (yes, those are my favorite tv shows shut up) in order to think about dorothy wordsworth and mary wollstonecraft and helen maria williams.

i realized today that if what i REALLY want is to lose this weight, i have to act like it. i have to put myself first sometimes, sacrifice some things now (like an hour’s worth of cuddle time or two hours of gilmore girls and bones and laying on my bed) in order to get what i want.  once i get there, it’s not like it will go away. but it will be maintenance. and that’s different.

i am apparently very good at maintenance, which makes me really happy.

but in the meantime, it’s time to kick it into higher gear. to work hard for what i want instead of expecting that everything will just come my way.

so my goal today? go buy new shoes so that the impact of the stuff that i am doing (stadium stairs, running, high impact workouts) stops hurting my joints.  then? go to the gym. do some crossramp intervals.  remind myself that a) i CAN do this and b) i LOVE doing this.  it makes my world sort itself back together.

instead of feeling like a lump of blech, i feel like i can conquer the world.

i need to conquer the world.

it all may seem very simplistic, but sometimes the very simple things are the things that are hardest to understand.  working is good. some days i want everything to come to me without any real effort on my part.  that doesn’t make much sense, does it? how can i feel the true joy and accomplishment of something if i haven’t worked hard at it?

so…time to go to work again.  i’m kind of excited. that’s weird.  but good.  but weird.

i like that.

collateral damage.

Posted in c, dissertation, Life, me, mirror mirror on the wall on April 6, 2009 by drbolte

i’ve been thinking about consequences lately. not in terms of “oh holy crap i’m being punished for what i’ve done” but more the idea that, regardless of your action, there are long-lasting implications for what you do or do not do.

if you’ve been around a while, you know that me and my body have a pretty love-hate relationship. well, i shouldn’t say i hate my body. i don’t. not really at all. i love that it can do so many more things that i thought it ever could. i love that i take it running up stadium stairs and i love how light it seems lately. i love that it can bend and move and dance and frolic much easier than it ever has before. i love that i can listen to it and know what i need to do to keep it running smoothly. i love the way it responds to when i baby it–especially when i’m getting enough sleep.

so i’m pretty much a fan of it overall.

but losing 130 pounds leaves a bit of collateral damage.  i don’t say that to be woe is me or to even really complain. just mainly to muse on this fact and perhaps reconcile myself to the fact that me and cap sleeves will never, ever be friends because i will always, no matter how hard i shred or do tricep presses, will always have flabby arms. it makes sense, really. an entire other person used to occupy my skin with me.

that’s gonna leave a mark.

but it’s hard for me, probably because i am getting married and am thinking about how comfortable i want to be with my body on that day, to be accepting of that fact.  i am not feeling any pressure from anyone outside of my skin. the bff loves me for exactly who i am. if i lose more weight, great.  i think he’d be happy, but really just because i would be happy. because he has the purest most loving heart ever.

but i want to feel comfortable in my own skin. and i guess i figured that, somehow magically in a  mystical turn of events that doesn’t really make much sense at all, there would be no real marker left of where i’ve come from.

let me tell you what. that is NOT the case. i have marks.  i have evidence of those bygone days.

the lingering aftereffects of choices remain, in a much less concrete form, also on my dissertation.  i have not used my time as well as i could have. i don’t regret the things i’ve done, particularly, but i regret the time i didn’t take, the discipline i didn’t work hard to develop, the moments that i wasted.  there were lots of times i could have been doing something else. instead, i was pretending that that bill was never going to come due, that i would have infinite amounts of time to complete what it is that i must complete.

the consequences have been a whole lot of discouragement, self-doubt, and the consequences of my lack of diligence.  it’s not a good place for me to be, the valley of self-doubt, but i’m climbing my way out and am committed to a plan that i knew i needed to implement months ago but only now feel repentant enough to do so.

oh me and my stubbornness.

but there is collateral damage from that as well.  i will have to work harder to remember where i was in the process, have to balance more things in my life, have to still be working on it after i get married, more than likely once i’m working two or three jobs to support my little family.

that’s hard to swallow too, sometimes, but i wonder if it isn’t really just a part of the process.

am i learning something from it? oh yeah. i have turned into quite the planner, necessity being the mother of invention. i have realized that consequences are just as real for the things you choose not to do as for the things you do.  i have realized that the road to the valley of self-doubt is distraction, and i hope i’ll be more quick to see the detour.

but the body thing…i’m not sure how to get over that. i’m not sure what else i can do, except to try to have peace about it. no one is perfect–i know this–but i live in a culture that screams at me that all women are size 2s, have perfect perky boobs and flat stomachs, and have never had to struggle a day to do what i struggle every day to do.

i guess i don’t want to be reminded of the negative choices that i made, reminded of the person i was before. my life is changing so much…i guess i’d like to just live a new life in a new body, devoid of any tracks of the past.

the chasm between who i was then and who i am now seems large.  the chasm between what i think i should be and what i am also seems large.

that’s where my musing head’s at.

updates.

Posted in bff, c, dissertation, etcetera, family, grrrrr., me, mirror mirror on the wall, my amazing mother, oh so very random, sigh, someday I'll be a real middle class girl, teaching, the joys of living in Florida, will work for food, you should really worship me on February 12, 2009 by drbolte

hi there.

i know, it’s been ages.  this week has flown by and with it, seemingly, anything interesting to say about my life. i’ve mainly just been trying to keep on keeping on.

but i have a few things to updated you on/vent about/describe. enjoy. (or don’t. some people don’t like these update-y posts. more power to you, but it’s what i’ve got.)

  • the toe.  still broken. turned an impressive shade of purple earlier in the week. i have yet to try to wear regular shoes, although the doc told me to wear more supportive shoes than flip flops. i’m having trouble understanding how that can happen since these allegedly more supportive shoes often require me to STUFF MY ENTIRE BROKEN FOOT (whatever. toe. i know. hyperbole.) INTO THE WHOLE THING.  that seems, i feel, counterproductive to the whole “i avoid pain” campaign.  (pain. campaign. ha. i’ll be here all week.) but as a result of walking strangely, hobbling, and trying to walk normally (these happen in succession usually and i’ll let you guess which one i do most often), the outside of my right leg (the one with the wounded wing) hurts. in a strange way. it feels strained or pulled or something. i’ve tried massage (well, i whined a lot and got the bff to rub it for me) and it didn’t really help.  i’ve tried ibuprofen. didn’t help.  so, yeah…the broken toe is SUCKAGE.
  • can’t work out really because of the toe. or, i should say, i’m afraid to try this week since it hasn’t even been a week and i really don’t want to screw it up even more than i have.  so i’ve been doing random things like crunches (which i’m actually sort of starting to feel, hallelujah) but those don’t give a good calorie burn (stupid. stupid. stupid.). but the result is that i’ve had to be SUPER self-disciplined with my eating in order to not dig myself into a hole that will freak me out and require massive amounts of effort to extract myself from.  so, the result is that i’m probably going to WAY slow down the progress, which is SO. FRUSTRATING., but…that’s life, right? you do what you can with what you’ve got.  pretty soon i’m going to try the stationary bike.  that can’t possibly hurt my foot, right?
  • actually wrote a page and a half of my dissertation chapter yesterday. in a relatively short amount of time (total actual writing time? like 45 minutes.  of course, i spent three hours doing other random crap on the internet, but let’s focus on the successes, shall we?).  this gives me hope, which anchors my soul.  i believe that i can actually accomplish this thing.
  • had an interview for an adjunct job on monday in jax.  i expected it to be one of those interviews where, you know, you try to sell them on you.  wrong. i walked in there (limped, probably, but that’s neither here nor there) and she basically already wanted to hire me and spent the next forty or so minutes convincing me that i wanted to work there–or at least telling me all of the things that i would be getting myself into.  it was a nice switch, let me tell you, from the solemn deathmarch that is the tenure track job market right now.   so…i’ll be working there in the late summer.  possibly in the fall as well.  and she mentioned the possibilities of visiting professor lines being opened up next year. so, there’s that. which leads me to my next point…
  • decided that i’m staying in florida for the timebeing. actually, probably for a long time.  i feel really good about this decision, which is completely opposite to what i thought i would do.  i feel like even if it means adjuncting for the rest of my life, cobbling together a living based on jobs here and there, the payoffs are definitely worth it.  some things are just more important, and i’ve always felt that way.  besides, i’m still not completely counting out high school.  that actually seems sort of fun to me. does that make me insane? maybe a little.
  • valentine’s day is coming up. i’m working on that project that i solicited help for. i’ve been told that i need to post the final playlist when it’s finished. i will, i promise.  i hope it’s good. your suggestions were WONDERFUL, and in some cases led me to other things which were amazing and perfect so…you all win. and hopefully i win with the bff too.
  • mom comes on sunday! YAY! she hasn’t been here in AGES…and she gets to meet (finally…) the bff.  despite us being best friends for nearly three years, she’s never met him.  it’s about time, eh?

that’s about all that’s going on in my life. what’s new in yours?

cxxx: dilemma in denim.

Posted in c, etcetera, ghetto life, i am not a gym rat, mirror mirror on the wall, shopping, sigh, someday I'll be a real middle class girl, will work for food, you have to be a chick to understand on January 27, 2009 by drbolte

the shred has been effective.

i use a form of the past tense because i think i am shredded out.  this week i haven’t done it once. i am not inclined to do it because a) i’ve done it most every day for a month b) i’m tired of it c) i’ll never master it (or so it feels) and d) i miss my sixty/seventy/eighty minute crazy cardio wackiness and gym psychotic sprees.  i may resurrect it twice or three times a week as a strength training supplement, but i think i may have toxed out on jillian michaels.

but it’s been effective. i’ve lost something like two inches from my hips and an inch from my waist and thighs.  in less than a month.

all of which makes my jeans even bigger than they were.

“yeah, yeah, yeah. big problem. stop your whining.”  i can hear you all now, and i understand. i really should shut up.

but i’m too busy TRYING TO KEEP MY PANTS ON MY BODY.

so…here’s my dilemma.

do i go invest the money in jeans that actually fit, since let’s be real–jeans are THE staple of my wardrobe–from the store where i got my jeans that the bff has told me he likes better than all of the rest because they actually fit (uhm…which inclines me to actually go buy 14 pairs of them if he likes them, but that’s neither here nor there) which will cost me $50 a pair at least (money that i could spend in a MULTITUDE of different ways…)?

or maybe see if jeans at real girl stores will seriously fit (like buckle…or somewhere else…) which will be more expensive but possibly last longer/look better/make me feel like i can conquer the WORLD?

or keep waiting until i get smaller?

i’m growing frustrated.

i’m also only about thirty pounds from my goal.  which is amazing and makes the dilemma even more obnoxious.  because i wonder if those thirty pounds will be two sizes (as is pretty standard–15 lbs = one size) or like four since apparently i’m losing inches INFINITELY faster than i am losing pounds.

expensive.  nice, but expensive.

so what should i do?  what would YOU do?