Archive for the drama drama drama Category

reset.

Posted in bff, drama drama drama, fall is football, gators, grrrrr., teaching on September 17, 2009 by drbolte

“i hate this week, and i just want it to be over.”

that’s what i said this morning to the bff, who in his magnificent, non-fixer way just hugged me.  he didn’t tell me “hey. idiot. it’s thursday. it IS almost over.” he didn’t say “my good grief, woman, what is it about thursdays with you?”

he just hugged me.  then he made me laugh.  by that time, i had decided to make today a good day.

so as i am biting the head off of animals (in cracker form, of course…the last was a camel), i thought i’d blog about what’s been going on with me.

in really vague terms.

first, to update you on the student situation, things are better. i have begun to realize that a) not all of the populations that i teach are the same. i need to adapt, and realizing that has eliminated a lot of my frustration. i’ll still be expecting a lot…but i think if i begin to think of student population a as more like student population c than student population b (a, b, and c all being institutions where i currently teach), i am suddenly much more able to deal.

also, i laid the compassionate smackdown on the class that was bothering me most and called out the sleeping students in the other class.  of course, big giant turdhead sleeping student then gave me major attitude after class, wrapped in fake respect, so that frosted my cookies but i believe in karma and so i believe that his freshman butt will have some kind of major comeuppance soon.  and that warms the cold cockles of my shriveled, cynical heart.

anyway.

i have been feeling pretty lame, physically and in many ways.  the megalameness stemmed from something that i can’t/won’t talk about here.  nothing bad.  nothing that involved anyone else. i just felt like an idiot. i should have known better. i should have listened to my head instead of my girl emotions.  i should have been able to push past my preoccupation and gotten things done.

couldawouldashoulda never got anyone anywhere, but there you go.  i really felt stupid.

but at this point i sort of just shrug and call it experience. i don’t really know what else to do. i suppose i might be vindicated–maybe i’m not as stupid as i think–but maybe not. and if not? experience.

experienceexperienceexperience. all things are for our profit and learning.

but this feeling stupid and lame has really put a megaseriouscrimp in my multitasking, work-the-to-do-list mentality.  i am behind, and…well, i don’t like being behind.

(it contributes to the feeling megalame.)

in what is a serious pile of crap that might be tinged with a silver lining, the student ticket office essentially called me a liarface when i tried to go pick up the tickets that we purchased from another season ticket holder.  even though they have let me not only pick up tickets with those same IDs (obviously not mine, or else what would be the reason for purchasing them from someone else?) for TWO WEEKS STRAIGHT but i’ve also upgraded one of those tickets using the same id.

ohhailackofconsistentenforcement aka it’s the first SEC game and blah.

apparently i have to get someone who actually has season tickets in their name to pick up my tickets with theirs.  guess what? it’s the first sec game so everyone already did oh hello grrr.

so instead of spending 4 hours in the swamp on saturday afternoon, i will be spending 4 hours in front of my tv. i’ll be wearing blue, like urban asked, and i may even create  a gameday meal that is all blue and orange related foods.  this may be beneficial because i may be able to get some work done.  this may be beneficial because i will not have to deal with thundering hordes of drunk people.  this may be beneficial because i will not get sunburned/dehydrated/nauseous at said game.

this is not beneficial because the bff was really excited. he’s never been to an sec game and, let’s be real–this the best one on our home schedule. i’m hoping that being able to take him to the fsu game will make up for it. prince that he is, he says that it doesn’t matter.  i know that it does, but there’s really nothing that i can do about it.

except possibly make him hot wings.  he might love me lots for that and be grateful to be home rather than paying $4 for some small gatorades.

me and my lion snack can’t wait for this week to be over. not that i want a new one to come–oh no, i’d like to hit pause on sunday–but because the next one is going to be much better than this one.

i just don’t know how it couldn’t be.

the five things that i don’t like about teaching in summer. and their upsides.

Posted in books are bliss, drama drama drama, me, teaching, the joys of living in Florida, will work for food on June 29, 2009 by drbolte

1. the blinding, pit-soaking heat.

i’m really sorry if that’s too much information, but it’s the honest truth. i have to mop myself up before going to class. and that’s just with a 7 or so minute walk across campus. at 11 a.m.  i love florida summers, she says to herself.

upside: it’s training me (and my sweat glands) for august 8th, when i’ll be all decked out in satin and crinoline and hairspray, taking pictures.  at 11 a.m.

2. the blank stares of students on the first day of classes, when they stare at you as if you have the answers to all of life’s problems. or at least like they’re a tiny bit afraid of what you’ll do to them.

upside: when they laugh for the first time? it’s like a zing of success. i love watching them visibly relax when they realize that i am not in fact satan.

3. how hard it is to fill time in a 75 minute class. you can either plan for 50 minutes or you can plan for 90 minutes. i find it incredibly difficult, especially EVERY SINGLE DAY, to fill 75 minutes. i was rather surprised at how quickly i got through what i had planned for the first day. my syllabus schpeel? took like 4 minutes.  hello speed talker.

upside: i am not a clock watcher, so i go with the flow.  we’ll probably always get out a bit early. they’ll love me for that.

4. needy students with complicated questions. class hadn’t even started when i got an email from a student.  then i had two fairly complex issues to deal with straightaway after class ended.  yeesh.

upside: i am apparently approachable.  that’s not a bad thing.

5. the panic i genuinely feel when i start reading a novel and wonder how on earth i am going to find anything of substance to say. i have read jane austen’s persuasion probably at least six times, conservatively, at this point.  i know the novel backwards and forwards. i still find new and interesting things in it, but i am sometimes awash in panic that i am either going to come up with topics too mundane to suit the needs of a 3000 level literature class or too obscure to suit anyone but a phd teaching one of the novels in her dissertation.

i really do worry about this stuff.

upside: it makes me a better teacher, i suppose. and usually about the time that the panic starts to set in, the ideas start to trickle in. i’ve been scribbling them down on the title page in yellow highlighter the whole time i’ve been reading. i think it’s a hodge-podge of simplistic and profound.  i guess that’s pretty good.

at least i’m not depending on them to guide the class.  although they’re supposed to…

we’ll see how it goes.

i’m rather tired already.

coming up for air.

Posted in bff, bridal diaries, disney princesses got nothin' on me, dissertation, drama drama drama, etcetera, faith is action, i love my life, magic, me on June 5, 2009 by drbolte

hi all.

thanks for letting me vent in the last post. thanks to those of you who chimed in with responses.  i’m sure it will all get done and i am sure that i will get better at asking for help. in the meantime, though, i came up with a plan that is already helping me.

a. stop worrying about the dissertation.

that’s right. i’m officially calling it.  dissertation is going on real hold (not that actual hold that it’s been on while i fret and worry and feel guilt-infused over not doing it) until after the wedding. i just don’t have time, even if i used every available moment of my spare time, and even if i did, i am too frazzled to do much of substance.  so it’s on hold.

and, as my wise mama said, if we are prioritizing tasks based on their due date, that one’s last anyways.

she’s brilliant, my mom.

b. read wedding blogs every day. specifically, in my days of stress, weddingbee is keeping me sane. i skim it over, revel in the bridalness, and am suddenly grateful that i am doing things the way i am doing them.

and it usually inspires me to start thinking/planning things that i need to be thinking/planning.

c. be kind to myself. or, in the wise words of a friend of mine, create small manageable goals.

yesterday, that was to workout hard and to straighten my room.  i did it. i also tried to make homemade donuts, which i realized i have neither the patience nor the oil stores to do effectively. therefore, yesterday was a success.

i also painted my toenails. crappily, but they’re painted.

in the new vein of being kind to myself, i’m just going to let them be crappily painted until i have the wherewithal or the time to do it again.  and lighting. i clearly need better lighting.

d. keep breaking the chain.

did i tell you about our paper chain?  i can’t remember, so i’m telling you anyway. if you’ve already heard this, could you, i don’t know, talk amongst yourselves for a moment?

we created a paper chain, the bff and i, to count down to our wedding. you know, in case the countdown on my facebook page and on my blog wasn’t enough (which it’s not).  we wanted some kind of tactile way that we could do it.

it makes the days when it seems like it will NEVER get here go by faster.

especially as we are getting perilously near the two month loop. whoo!

e. find things like this...

and just know that, come what may, my wedding is going to be amazing. and very much me.

i’ll admit it. it’s beginning to get to me.

Posted in bff, bridal diaries, dissertation, drama drama drama, etcetera, i love my life, i promise you that you won't care, Life, me, mirror mirror on the wall, sigh, the engaged life, the glass is half FULL, wish i may wish i might on June 3, 2009 by drbolte

last night, while i was sitting in institute, i realized that i have about zero weekends between now and the wedding that are not already planned/carved out/offer no opportunities for relaxation or beach trips.

this weekend: friend of bff’s visits, i meet for the first time despite having an email/facebook/texting relationship. i will be cleaning. also, one of my roommates is moving out for reals (i.e. she’s been gone for a while, but her furniture’s still there, so…she’s really leaving this weekend.  so…there’s that.

next weekend: otown for bridal gown bolero shopping/measurements/planning. take dress to be altered. father’s day.

weekend after that: in NC (finally! i haven’t been home since march and not since i was officially engaged) with mom, doing all sorts of wedding stuff that will hopefully alleviate some stress but is likely to be jampacked with wedding stuff, including meeting with my NC bridesmaids to talk dresses and jewelry and squee a little and my bridesmaid/photographer to talk shot lists and to get her what she needs.

weekend after that: my first shower in otown, filled with people i don’t really know yet very well. note: this is the weekend before i begin teaching my summer class(es).

weekend after that: 4th of July. i’m guessing we’ll be up north frolicking on the boat with the bff’s family. sounds like restfulness, but it’s still somewhere to be on my best behavior. depending on the teaching schedule, i may or may not bow out of this. however, i get friday off…so maybe it won’t be so bad.

weekend after that: my NC shower. i fly out on friday night, attend the shower on saturday late morning (which i’m REALLY excited about), fly out on sunday afternoon.

weekend after that: my gville shower on friday night (aka girls night…). saturday i have free, but will likely collapse. or, don’t forget, that i’ll be teaching, so i’ll probably be grading grading grading grading.

weekend after that: the weekend before i move, aka the packing weekend. i very much doubt i’ll get much done before that.

weekend after that: we move all of our stuff into our new apartment. as of right now, me and my stuff will be homeless for about 2 1/2 days.  i’m hoping to use my considerable powers of persuasion to convince the apartment complex to let me stay. we’ll see how that flies. but i will take up residence in our new place that day, and the bff will stay at his place until we’re married.

weekend after that: WEDDING!

this sounds like complaining, doesn’t it.  i’m not complaining.  i’m just…absolutely overwhelmed by the magnitude of it all.  my attitude used to be to chuckle and say WHOOO! when i talked about how crazy things were going to be.  but i’m tired already, and i think it’s simply the weight of everything that stands between now and august 8th.

i have classes to plan for that i haven’t even started, really, other than constructing a syllabus. i have an online gig that i have to finish. i have to find out if i’ll be teaching another upper-division class in the fall and, if so, i’ve got to plan that deal because i sincerely doubt that they’re going to let me not have a syllabus to them as it gets to be a month or so before classes begin. i have a room to pack and, what’s more, i have TONS of crap to wade through and get rid of.

(luckily, mom is doing a yard sale in NC when i’m there the first time, so i’ll be hauling copious amounts of stuff up there to see if i can sell it. if not, it will go to goodwill there and i will be done with it. but when will i have time to gather all of that stuff together?)

and let’s not even talk about the dissertation, which i haven’t touched in a month. at all.

this all sounds like complaining still.  like everyone doesn’t have a busy life.

i know.

i’m venting.

it’s my blog. it’s where i do such things.

but…how? how do i do it all? the bff, oh how i love him, says i can do anything and, thus, i can do everything.  i adore him for thinking that, but i want to know HOW.  how can i do it all?  how can i get everything done?

it seems impossible.  truly.

and how do i keep my wits about me when all the world is losing theirs?

oh, let’s face it…when i’m losing mine?

suggestions? is this normal? am i a bridezilla?

i think i have lost all perspective.

bridal diaries: DIY invitations = first bridal meltdown.

Posted in bridal diaries, drama drama drama, going quietly mad, the engaged life, you have to be a chick to understand on May 27, 2009 by drbolte

it’s invitation week.

i’ve been working on gathering addresses for weeks, and we have most of them. our goal was always to get them sent out the week after memorial day–before the end of may. it may seem early for an early august wedding, but it’s a) the summer b) dependent on the schedule of people throwing me showers (current count: 3. i have no idea what to say about that except wow.) and c) just really good because i shouldn’t do invitations when i’m teaching three classes.

rationale now explained.

we decided to print our own. it’s cheaper (it really is, actually).

so that’s what i did last night.

120 announcements. 60+ invitations.

and on at least 35 of the announcements? black ink smudges on the edge.

i nearly lost my mind. i was already stressed beyond reason about these stupid invitations. the pictures aren’t exactly what we ordered, meaning that around the black collage there is a white border. there was not a white border around the original collage. but i reprinted them and apparently that’s what happens.

i would really like to trim the 200 pictures, but who has time for that?

(not me.)

i didn’t know how to make the black smudges stop. they were erratic–not always happening at the same time, but happening fairly consistently. i tried to google it. it told me acetone. i tried it. it ruined the paper.

commence the beginning of my first bridal meltdown.

i was tired–still am. all the time.–and stressed–it’s the last week of job training and i am barely hanging on, i swear.–and feeling the pressure of all of the things that have yet to be done but have to be considered soon and was just trying to get through the invitation printing so that they would be done in time for tonight, when one of my bridesmaids and me and the bff have a homemade pizza/stuffing invitations/addressing invitations party.

i just wanted it to go smoothly.

and i was already really nervous about it. i don’t know why. i just was.

the bff came up with a plan to fix it, and he did a brilliant job. and eventually, once i had to change the ink cartridge, they just stopped.

but by that point it felt like me alone, waging war against the dragon that is DIY invitations, and i was mad and frustrated and dissolving very quickly into tears and irrationality.

it was not pretty. i hope to never repeat it.

i tell you all this to say that i’m pretty tired.  and i am pretty bad at asking for help.

but after last night, i’m pretty sure that i need to start doing it.

and i’m pretty sure that i will be really, really happy when all 190 of those envelopes are in the hands of the USPS, complete with a white bordered black collage that i’m sure people will still think are adorable.

and if they don’t, in the immortal words of my bff, stuff ’em.

started the “jillian michaels kicks my butt six days a week for 30 days shred program” again.

did level 3 yesterday. i’ve been on level 3 for a while. i have yet to master rock star kicks, but i’m working on it.

am willing myself to do level 3 again today.

ironically? i worry that my dress will be too big.

cross that bridge when we get to it, i guess.

tangential thoughts.

Posted in bff, bridal diaries, drama drama drama, faith is action, family, going quietly mad, me, perfect brightness of hope, the engaged life, will work for food on May 11, 2009 by drbolte

meet my mimi.

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(and yes, that’s me. adorable, eh?)

i have told you about her before. i’ve told you about the last few months of her life, too. i’ve told you about how all of my baking and cooking skills come from her, and about how i miss her.

this weekend, we were in orlando for mother’s day. and on sunday, one of the bff’s grandmothers came over to eat dinner with his family.  i’ve been around her several times now, and really very much like her. she’s scrappy and fiery and i dig that about her. i see how his dad is who is he because of her influence.

but i came away on sunday night feeling oddly tired and somewhat sad, which i realized is kind of common after a big bff family gathering. and i only yesterday realized that it was because i miss my family.

i really do. i miss my family.

but being around his grandmother makes me miss my mimi even more.

she would LOVE this time of my life. i feel certain she loves it from where she is.  but, at her prime, she would have been all up in the preparations, taking over the sewing of table squares and the construction of my bolero and the alterations on my dress. everything that she could have done, she would have done because that’s who she is.

i miss her very much.

my days are much busier now.

i am in training for a new part-time online job, and it’s going pretty well i think.  but it is a timesucker if ever there was one, though i can’t say i wasn’t warned by my recruiter that that would be the case. i think i’m managing quite well, but i don’t know how to fit everything in. i haven’t touched my dissertation in a week and a half because of it, and now i’m beginning to wonder how to fit everything else in.

my days go a little something like this: wake up. read my scriptures. shred if i’m going to shred (my goal is now to do it three days a week..it really does get results). breakfast and emails and google reader. training. shower and dressed.  usually about this time, i have to be somewhere, like an appointment or something. errands need to be run or something needs to get done. then it’s bff time, with dinner and assorted other activities taking up the rest of the night.  lately, it’s been wedding stuff.  i feel certain that more wedding stuff will continue to take up time.

i am tired.

already.

and i haven’t even started work yet. and it isn’t even summer b, when everything really hits me.

sigh.

i’m still going though. often, the bff and i look at each other, when we’re exhausted but don’t want to leave, and say that it will be nice to be married because then we can sleep.  sounds less romantic, perhaps, than what you would think of with newlyweds, but it will be nice to just be able to not ever leave.

ever.

nothing says your wedding is getting close and really real than going to get a birth control prescription–and knowing that you’ll actually be using it for its intended purpose.  what the heck.

i’m still looking for jobs. i know i’m not alone (holla job seekers! we should commiserate someday. is the exhaustion from that? are you all tired too?), and i know that i will be taken care of.

walking by faith is hard.  i’m not whining.  please don’t read that with whining voice.

read that as a bit of a determined, stoic “walking by faith is hard” and then a full stop.

and then a moving on.

have i mentioned my new penchant for burning myself?

in the last 48 hours, i  have burned myself twice while cooking and pinched the heck out of my finger tonight using tongs.

(another reason why i hate tongs. they are my kitchen nemesis.)

i may or may not have said “i give up.” and cried a little in the kitchen while i did the dishes. because there was really nothing else to do or be done. sometimes, you just have to give in.

directly after giving in, i got some really good hugs from the bff, who told me that today had not been the best day. he basically gave me permission to cry and yet the moment he did, i felt the need to cry go away. instead, i began to smile a little and pretty soon he had me laughing.

it was a classic awesome husband move, if i know what classic awesome husband moves are.

and i may not–yet.

but that, in a nutshell, is why he is the most amazing, most wonderful, most perfect-for-me guy there is. and why everything that is hard and difficult and uncomfortable and stressful and crazy about planning this wedding is worth it. because, in the end, it matters not what the twinkle lights look like or how much tulle is draping the food table. it doesn’t matter if i use an aisle runner for our ring ceremony or if everyone loves the look of the reception hall.

what matters is that, forever, we will be there to hug each other when we’re having bad days and cheer for each other during the good days. what matters is that i can cry on his shoulder and he doesn’t tell me to suck it up. he just hugs me harder and tells me it’s okay.

that is why i’m marrying him.

that is what matters.

and that’s my monday. how’s yours?

and it descends…like something scary that descends.

Posted in books are bliss, drama drama drama, going quietly mad, Life, me, wish i may wish i might, you have to be a chick to understand on March 19, 2009 by drbolte

sometimes i really hate being a girl.

or maybe i just hate recognizing that once a month, like clockwork, i go irrational. completely, fruit-loopy, mood-swingy, irrational.

before, maybe i just did it and didn’t realize it.  now i recognize it, am completely self-aware, and yet seem to have little power to pull myself completely out of it.  so lately, i’ve just been trying to internalize it and minimize the collateral damage.

funny thing about that. it causes this whole internal drama that nobody really knows about. they think everything’s fine.  i feel insecure, crazy, and ready to lose my mind.

for about forty eight to sixty hours. then it blows over.

but in the meantime, it has the enveloping power of blindness. let me explain.  AMAZING things have happened in the last couple of days. all of them are answers to prayers.

perfect apartment found and applied for. check.

bff got two job interviews, both of which could be amazing and both of which he’ll be stellar at.  check.

i randomly sent my resume to a private school in the area and got an email back saying that they think i would be a perfect match for their school and while they may only have a part-time position open (three classes), they’d very much like to meet with me.  money? a job? people who want me and think i’m qualified? check.

and yet…i feel meh.  i cry about stupid crap that doesn’t matter, disappointments that are so ridiculously temporary. i worry about things that are stupid and irrational.  i beat myself up for not following through on my insane plan to get up after 4ish hours of sleep and go do megacardio at the gym at 7 a.m. i don’t cut myself any slack while at the same time i get selfish. i stop being grateful and start being greedy for what i want when i want it.

(that’s never a good sign, by the way.)

and for all the attempts to shake myself out it–and i am good at it most times–i find myself having to do it over and over and over again. it’s exhausting. i’m very tired.

i’m ready for the crazy to leave again.  but until then, i may find a little patch of sunny grass, a blanket, and a book and stay there for a while.