Archive for the friends Category

afraid to just believe.

Posted in blogging, disney princesses got nothin' on me, etcetera, friends, i hate vegetables, i love youtube--so sue me, mirror mirror on the wall, you have to be a chick to understand, you want me to walk HOW far? on March 24, 2008 by drbolte

inevitably, the days that you determine, fiercely and with implied accountability associated with it, not to blog are the days that stuff keeps happening that seems blogworthy.

(i thought about cheating a little bit, and coming on here to blog it so that i didn’t forget, but that seemed to just completely negate the whole purpose of the anti-blog/anti-facebook mentality, so i resisted. be impressed. i was.)

of course, that means that i can’t remember at all what it was that i wanted to blog.

funny, that.

the inevitable conclusion of this fact? the things that i would have blogged must have been the chinese-food-equivalent of blog topics–they seem great, scrumptious, and satisfying at the time, but they are gone too soon and it feels like you never really had them at all.

(that metaphor seemed a lot better in my head than it ended up here. yeah.)

i have awards to give…get excited.

most random and surprising talent: this one goes to hot dogs. wait for it. so, i left the grocery store without buying hot dog buns, so i decided to slice the hot dogs up and fry them ala sausage or kielbasa, like my mom used to. i can’t say that i’ve ever done this with hot dogs before, but it made sense to me. so, i’m minding my own business, getting the rest of the stuff ready as the hot dogs are cooking and as the pan gets hotter and hotter, i start seeing something moving in the pan out of my corner of my eye.

they were FLIPPING THEMSELVES OVER! i swear. the little pieces of hot dogs, as they were cooking, were flipping over. i’m assuming it has something to do with the water content of the pieces?

definitely the coolest thing i’ve ever seen in the kitchen. it’s the ultimate lazy person food preparation bonanza.

“i know you think you’re cool, but you’re really not” condolences: i will say that, for the most part, my experiences at the gym on campus have been really good. people are there for one purpose–to exercise–and they come for that purpose. i appreciate that. i don’t try to look cute for the gym. what’s the point when i leave looking like someone dunked my whole head in hot water? yeah, that’s what i thought.

but i noticed, as i went to the gym on friday afternoon and saturday morning, that a…different…crowd was populating the cardio room. these were the people, it seemed, who were maybe a little bit more impressed with impressing others. i’ll just say that i am not really impressed with someone who spends the 15 to 20 minutes she’s on the stairmaster on the cell phone.

(now, i’m going to say…in all honesty…that i was probably jealous. at that point, i had been on the treadmill for like an hour and, while not yet dying, probably couldn’t imagine a day when i could be on the stairmaster for any bit of time without my lungs wanting to forceably remove themselves from my body. full disclosure.)

nevertheless, really? you can’t let it go to voicemail? it’s just obnoxious. it really is. and how can you even HEAR over the treadmills, stairmasters, ellipticals, rowing machines, et. al?

i just don’t get it.

funnest easter activity EVER: peep wars. go read about it here.

my training song–in more ways than one:

(best lyric: “i just watched his wildest dreams come true…not one of them involving you.” checkmate. one of these days, i’ll be that cool.)

the best reason to look forward to memorial day weekend:

when that music began to swell in the theatre, i literally got giddy. and, oh dear…shia.

i’m SO excited.

the “they chose clumsy over THIS to release as a single?”:

(don’t bother to watch the video…just listen…and pay attention to the lyrics.)

the most amazing song that i’ve heard in a good long time. i’m rather ashamed that it’s by fergie. oh well. what are you going to do?

well, there you go. more to say, but i don’t know how to say it and it’s 1:11 a.m. and i have to be up in 5 and a half hours and yeah.

happy monday, all.

letters the third.

Posted in faith is action, family, friends, ghetto life, i love my life, my amazing mother, perfect brightness of hope, someday I'll be a real middle class girl, Uncategorized, wish i may wish i might on March 7, 2008 by drbolte

dear crazy weather that belongs not in winter,

i understand that terms like “rotation” and “warning” are meant to make me be smart and take cover. what they really make me want to do is crawl back under the covers and hum a little tune loudly until it’s all over. either that or go screaming madly around town, possibly saying something along the lines of “it’s the end of the world!”

(and i don’t feel fine about it, fyi.)

so, if you could NOT bring your tornado self quite so close to my ghetto-but-loved apartment with its inhabitants, furry, human, and reptile, that would be swell.

many thanks,

the girl who thinks flying monkeys and a tin man don’t quite make up for the head trauma.

dear dr. ng,

you frickin’ rock. thanks for the clean margins and for having an amazing bedside manner for a surgeon. i watch grey’s anatomy occasionally. i know how bad it could be. instead, you make mom confident–and that makes me happy.

may your practice thrive and your name be praised throughout all the land,

your newest groupie/fan.

hey law school girl.

yeah, you!

i love and appreciate you more than you know. you deserve every good thing. i couldn’t be getting through all this without you. or i could, but there’d be a lot more of the crazy.

and you KNOW where the crazy leads.

someday we’ll be friends in the same time zone again. i can’t wait!

your gchat partner in crime.

dear REM sleep cycle (not to be confused with the supremely amazing band to whom i referred a few short lines ago),

please give me a break. i’ve had one sublimely great night’s sleep since i got back. i’m headed for futon land again tomorrow. please? for the love of my sanity, could i sleep…a lot and well?

in case this request is at all unclear, this would include NOT the following: ambient noise that wakes me up enough to not sleep well but not enough to be awake and productive (hello thunderstorms and dripping rain spouts outside my window), loud neighbors, tossing and turning, fitfulness, nightmares, the phone ringing, or anything else that could possibly disturb me.

also, if you could throw me another one of the dreams like i had night before last (aka the sublime sleep night), that would be super. appreciate it more than i can say.

many thanks and all that (we won’t mention that this is your JOB). don’t make me quote hamlet and that to sleep perchance to dream junk.

awcrapijustdidit,

the girl who is just craving the covers to be pulled over her head.

dear you,

you can’t burn a bridge and then rebuild it out of twine and a prayer and expect it to hold the weight of a real friendship.

please stop trying. my attempts to navigate this are swiftly becoming the straws that might just break this camel’s back.

yours in cliched phrasing, chillin’ on my side of the proverbial water,

me.

to whom it clearly refers:

you are my optimistic cheerleader, my valiant support system, my crazy comedy show, my stuffed giraffe hug. you are merry-go-rounds and card games, road trips and pumpkins, waiting in line and getting lost in traffic. you are random silly quotes that make me laugh and surprising kindness that makes me cry. you are inspiration and frustration. your writing is eloquent, your thoughts perceptive, your heart incredible. you are trustworthy. you are a dreamer. you show up. you have exquisite faith. you are beautifully flawed. you are you. people who think they know you don’t see the half of how amazing you truly are.

i do.

LOVE!

c.

aftermath.

Posted in disney princesses got nothin' on me, drama drama drama, faith is action, family, friends, magic, my amazing mother, perfect brightness of hope, you have to be a chick to understand on February 23, 2008 by drbolte

well, i guess it’s good that all this news came on a week when i was PMSing already, huh? hey everybody! you get double the mood swings, but for half the time.

i’d take it if i were them. seems like a deal.

it’s strange how you don’t even really realize what’s going on with you until you realize that the stupid things are sending you over the edge.

you yell at your roommate for wanting to wear a belt to blockbuster. i know. don’t ask.

you nearly cry when you realize that your roommate’s dog peed in your laundry hamper. it wasn’t the end of the world. it was contained and it all came out. wash it twice. it’s all fine. but still? a few waterworks.

you fret deeply about whether or not someone who should be of no consequence whatsoever, with whom you have a rather rocky past and who you really don’t trust/shouldn’t interact with anyways, is mad at you for making the right decision for yourself that might have possibly brought some inconvenience/disappointment to him.

i’ve decided that my filter is off. you know the filter. the one that allows you to think before you speak, to make those split second judgments of “wow, that would be a terribly mean thing to say” or “i should really be kind to her…she’s had a long, long day”. the ones that keep you in civilized society and out of the whole “socially awkward” realm of existence.

it’ll come back.

in the meantime, i’m thinking that staying away from people is probably best for a while. chillin’ in my room. doing some laundry. grading some papers. watching some dvds on the computer. maybe getting some reading done too.

i feel like a baby a little bit. it’s not like it’s happening to ME. it’s not like i’m sick or having to have surgery or having to do radiation or anything like that. it’s not like i’m even that scared, really. i’m not. i mean, i am scared for the road that mom has to travel, but not where that road will end up. i don’t know if that makes any sense.

i don’t really think I make any sense right now anyways, so perhaps i’ll leave you with the following things that have brought me great joy in the past few days:

  • the movie martian child with john cusack. i’m already a cusack family fan, but this movie is seriously splendid.
  • how much i actually DIDN’T hate becoming jane, even though their factual footing was seriously flawed. i didn’t spend the whole time, jane austen scholar that i am, yelling at the screen. anne hathaway was lovely. james mcavoy was beautiful. it was gorgeous.
  • the multiflavored twizzlers? with the different colors? YUM. and you don’t feel guilty about eating twizzlers like you do about eating chocolate, so it’s double the pleasure, double the fun!
  • talking to a friend for ages and ages over IM about our mutual idiosyncratic psychoses. it’s been good times. she helped me write the email telling my best friend about mom. i didn’t want it to be all “woe is me…worry! worry! worry! even though you’re 10,000 miles away and can’t do anything or even call me to check up on me, please freak out and get distracted from what you’re there to do” so…she was my editor. she has kept me a little more (read: a lot more) sane than i would normally have been. she’s amazing.
  • my AMAZING idea to make little envelopes for every single day during mom’s radiation that she can open before or after she goes. it’ll be like an advent calendar…but with no ornaments and instead little quotes or sayings or comic strips. it’ll be good. i’ve been having some luck with finding scriptures, but if you have any good quotes or funny things that you think might be good, let me know!
  • my faith. i would be moorless and anchorless without it. i know where i come from, where i’m going, and who’s on my team. i know the power of prayer, the power of fasting, the power of hope. i know Heavenly Father is on my team always, so i’m happy to know that i can call on Him anytime.
  • that my students are just the coolest in the entire world. when i am crazy in class, they just roll with it. i am completely myself and they seem to really enjoy it. and i get such a rush from standing up there and realizing that i sound really, really smart–and i’m not even trying to. YAY for my dream job. YAY for looking forward to everything related to that experience. YAY for realizing that i will, in fact, rock at my career.

well, i’m off to put some semblance of order into my disordered universe. meaning, i’m going to try to clean. we’ll see how well THAT turns out.

thanks for the prayers. thanks to you who read (so many of you who I don’t know) who have sent up a good thought for my mom. it’s a kindness that i can never repay, but please know that i am grateful and that they matter to my family. probably much more than you even know. many more thanks to those of you who live in my real world who have been amazing to me with your offers of help and your support–you know who you are–and who have helped me remember that i should just be myself (NOT the crazy pink ribbon queen!) and deal with it the best way that i know how and who help me by just being you.

it helps more than you know, even when you don’t say anything at all. really.

bullet(ed)in

Posted in blogging, celebrities, dissertation, etcetera, family, friends, i hate vegetables, Life, teaching, the joys of living in Florida, The Single Life on February 4, 2008 by drbolte

Back, ever so briefly, to say a few things:

  • February is looking rosier, mainly because I am making plans to make my own fun.  I was doing that at the beginning of the fall…and then life rose up to meet me and smack me in the head with its surprises.  I hope it does the same again…but I hope I’m wiser this time.
  • YAY for the Apple Store replacing my optical drive AND cleaning my computer at the same time…and doing it all on MY ideal timeline.  Love them.  Love Macs. Never going back.  EVER.
  • Back on the diet/exercise bandwagon tomorrow. I’m actually getting up to go do some kind of activity for many minutes on some machine in our apartment workout room with the roomie.  Yay for plans that involve, if necessary, my roommate pounding on my door and reminding me that I need to get my butt out of bed.
  • Teaching’s been going amazingly well.  Here’s knocking on wood and hoping it continues.
  • I am officially addicted to the Twilight series. Seriously, if you haven’t read them, you’re crazy.
  • Do you ever have moments when you missing someone hits you so hard it’s like a wave, an almost tangible feeling?  Happened just a few minutes ago for me. I’m always surprised by it.  Always.  That also surprises me–I should be used to it by now, shouldn’t I?
  • The dissertation continues. Goal to make this week: complete draft of the close readings for a chapter…basically everything but the secondary source stuff done.  I think I can make it.
  • Mom’s having a biopsy next week or the week after.  I’m not freaked out yet–it’s happened before with nothing bad to report–but the words “fast growing” never strikes me as comforting. If you pray, could you pray for her? I’m really not at all sure what I’ll do if it’s bad news.
  • I hate that McCain won Florida.  Of course, I also hate the fact that I forgot to change my address on my voter registration so I couldn’t vote in the primary. Actually, I’m rather ashamed at that.
  • I forgot how addicting iTunes shuffle is.  Currently?  “Baby One More Time” is playing.  Sigh.  Oh Britney.  I sincerely hope you get yourself together.

Off to bed.  Sigh.  Another week.

Where do they all go…and why are they passing so slowly and so quickly at the same time?

funk

Posted in Church, drama drama drama, friends, ghetto life, Life, me, yet another reason why i don't understand men, you have to be a chick to understand on January 9, 2008 by drbolte

I’m still in a funk.

I still don’t know why.  I’m beginning to wonder if I am getting sick or if I’m still tired or if I’m just overwhelmed at being back.  Adulthood and responsibility, after almost a month of basically none, is for the birds.  I’m wondering if my expectations were far too high. I’m wondering if these challenges of insecurity and discouragement are meant to take my eye off the prize–the two goals that I came back to attack. I was all ready to do them. I had confidence that I could slay those two beasts.

Now I’m having trouble thinking about anything other than the things that I don’t want to think about at all.

I’m a little pissed off that I had to deal with the drama right when I got back.  I guess I’m glad that I could do what I was supposed to do–and, yeah, I was supposed to talk to that person and that person was supposed to recognize responsibility and take some measure of accountability, of that I am certain–but I’m not happy about how it opened the door again to something that I was so much happier not to have in my life.  Now I’m wondering how to close the door again.  I’m wondering why it is that I have to keep closing this door.

What am I supposed to be learning?  Whatever it is…it’s exhausting.

I’m a little ticked off that I am mad at the person I shouldn’t be mad at.  It doesn’t make any sense.  I really don’t like being upset at this person and it makes me feel all out of sorts.  Truly. That’s the best way that I can describe it–I’m completely out of sorts.  Being upset at this person makes me feel like I’m betraying them in some way–isn’t that weird? I should be completely grateful and feel closer and more connected…and all I am is…angry and detached.  Of course, if you are angry, you are not at all detached.

That’s probably the problem.

I was thinking about this last night, and I realized that it felt like well-timed waves of challenge that are hitting me.  Just when I get clear, when I find my footing again, when I feel like things are going well and I’m completely happy, something else hits me.   Something that requires a great deal of strength, of discernment, of spiritual understanding.  Something that just requires a great deal of thought and pondering–or something that at least elicits a lot of that from me. I have been caught up in my head a lot lately.

I guess that’s life, right?  And I was oddly grateful for that fact when I realized it.  If I wasn’t being hit with all of these challenges, I wouldn’t be growing and progressing as much as I hope that I am.

I don’t know.

I’m just tired.  So tired.

wrong side of the bed

Posted in drama drama drama, etcetera, friends, me, The Single Life, you have to be a chick to understand on January 8, 2008 by drbolte

I woke up today in a bad mood.

Things got better. I thought maybe it was because I didn’t get enough sleep or whatever. Could have been.

But I actually think I’m angry. At someone that I shouldn’t be angry with because…well…there’s no reason. None at all. In fact, quite the opposite.

(So not at all related to the post yesterday.  That, by the way, has been sort of resolved.)

It’s no fun if you aren’t justified in the anger, you know?

All that ends up happening is that I feel like a putz and have to work through it myself and be magnanimous and all sorts of the bigger person and blah blah blah.

And that just ticks me off more.

reinvention

Posted in dissertation, etcetera, friends, Life, me, memelicious, School, teaching, The Single Life, wish i may wish i might, you have to be a chick to understand on December 30, 2007 by drbolte

I am embracing the overwhelming desire to reinvent myself, my life, my world.

Don’t grow concerned–I’m not in the midst of a full-on identity crisis.  In fact, I think it may be just the opposite.

When I came home this Christmas, my grandpa said that, since he saw me at Thanksgiving and now, he knows that I have found myself. I’m not sure I knew that I was lost, per se, but I’m also not sure he’s wrong. My grandpa tends to wax philosophical about my returns–I guess he sees that I have changed every time I return after a few months away; honestly, I think my mom sees the same thing, and I’m the only one not seeing the changes–but this time, I think he might be right.

It’s a nice idea, anyway, that I am coming into my own.

I usually end up making my hair a mirror of my quest to find myself–quite honestly, my hair has been a chameleon over the past two years, changing with any whim of mine or when I needed a boost of confidence.  I don’t know that what I’m doing can really rate as anything truly dramatic–a new shaggy, shorter layered look with some sassy funky appeal and a dark brown/chocolate brown color–but maybe it’s the combination that feels like reinvention.

Or maybe it’s just my attitude about it.

A friend of mine said, just after she chopped her hair off again this week, that she pictures all of her troubles and worries in that hair that’s being chopped off and so she feels liberated.  Something about that thought rang really true to me.

We all need those moments when we feel that we are shedding all of the worries and weights of the past and moving confidently forward, with purpose and direction.  Isn’t that the hallmark of this time of the year?

To be honest, I don’t usually buy into the whole New Year’s nonsense.  I mean, I’ll admit that I’ve started a diet or five when the New Year rolled around, or aspired to work out more, but really?  I don’t make resolutions on that day because I feel like resolutions ought to be made all year round.   Goals are goals.  Resolutions seem made to be broken.

So I guess I feel like a bit of a hypocrite to be feeling the reinvention bug now, a day before the New Year rings in.  Last year I did it too…but it was my apartment instead of myself.  I redecorated my living room–made new curtains, completely changed the color scheme, and in so doing felt like I had righted my world.  Nevertheless, I don’t think I had connected it to New Year’s.

See, in my world, with January comes a brand-new semester.  This one seems more full of promise than any other.  My dissertation is on a really good track. My director told me that I am writing with more confidence than ever and I am infused with a great excitement and motivation to make it amazing.  I’m going to be teaching a class that I’ve never taught before–the first class that will make me feel, actually, as if I am a real professor.  A real professional.  I’m already planning my wardrobe choices, to be honest.  You know if I’m planning what I’m going to wear already, it’s important.

I feel like I have this great opportunity to start anew.  To approach things differently. To cultivate and concentrate on the relationships that matter.  To create adventure.  To learn to love the parts of me that I’ve never liked, even as I try to change them for the better.  To accomplish the things that I’ve so wanted to accomplish but haven’t had the courage yet to really run after with true zeal.  To stop being scared and start being me…with no apologies.

That’s a lovely, hopeful feeling.

I hope it lasts.  Hope is an amazing motivator.

It might even get my larger than I’d like butt onto the treadmill come January 8th.

THAT would be amazing.

dear santa

Posted in blogging, family, friends, Life, wish i may wish i might, you have to be a chick to understand on December 20, 2007 by drbolte

better late than never.

say hey to mrs. claus–tell her we appreciate her working it for the big-hipped crowd. 

first on my list? a hot boy who is here to stay.  i’d like him to be kind and cute, funny and sweet, and really think i’m amazing.  i’m pretty sure if he’s half of those things, i’ll think he’s incredible too.

in case that takes a bit longer than christmas morning (and, hey, quality takes time), may i suggest the following?

a sassy purse. 

hairspray, the film.  possibly the soundtrack as well.

some silver hoops.  i lost mine, dangit.

mail.  or maybe, just maybe, the phone call i’m not supposed to get. that would be INCREDIBLE.

reese’s peanut butter cups.  the mini ones.  the ones that come in festive christmas colors.

dissertation mojo.

actually, anything will be great.  i’m a fan, santa.  thanks for all of your hard work. i’m trying to do my part on this end. 

the very good girl (listen…you have NO idea) from florida currently camping out in north carolina’s frigid wintry north.

are you really this bored?

Posted in books are bliss, family, friends, ghetto life, Life, me, mirror mirror on the wall, shopping, The Single Life, you have to be a chick to understand on December 20, 2007 by drbolte

I got all dolled up today–cute black sweater, the jeans that make my butt look good (a feat like unto achieving world peace), cute black flats–to go shopping.  I’m not really sure why, except that I needed to feel gorgeous all day as I went out to face the world. 

Sometimes you don’t want to be caught looking like a truck just hit you, backed up, and rolled over you again.  You know? It was surprisingly conducive to finding one’s mojo once more.

In other news, I got Christmas shopping done.

It’s becoming a year of shopping by my gut.

I have NO idea if anyone will really like what I’ve bought them. I’m working on a budget, so my efforts were not simply to buy things for buying’s sake, but more to find a few key things that I thought people would like.  I mean, I think I’ve done pretty well.  I’m just not sure. 

Of course, it would have been easier if people had actually TOLD me what they wanted, but even when they did, I didn’t buy things that they said that they wanted.

Oh well.

I really love this part of Christmas, though.  The true test of whether or not you know someone–do they like the present that you thought “OOH.  That looks like her” when you saw it?  I’m usually quite good at it.  We’ll see, I suppose.

Next step? Scrapbooking for days. 

Sigh.

Come forth, oh fountain of creativity and class!

Also, I’m reading the last Harry Potter book again.  It’s really quite good.  It was good the first time, but I’m just as captivated the second time and that’s the hallmark of good literature, I think. 

kill the pink elephants

Posted in etcetera, friends, Life, me, mirror mirror on the wall, The Single Life, you have to be a chick to understand on December 19, 2007 by drbolte

Have you ever wanted to say something so much that the words that you tried to say instead came out rather strangled and unrecognizable? Like they were not at all what you had intended to say, and yet it was the best that you could do at the time. Like you know you can’t say all you want to say–just can’t, for reasons that matter little to that moment in time but weigh you down nonetheless–but it’s there, anyways, always hanging about like so many pink elephants.

I am tired of speaking through a room full of pink elephants, with their what ifs and their questions of definition.

I think, honestly, I am just tired.