Archive for the friends Category

funk

Posted in Church, drama drama drama, friends, ghetto life, Life, me, yet another reason why i don't understand men, you have to be a chick to understand on January 9, 2008 by drbolte

I’m still in a funk.

I still don’t know why.  I’m beginning to wonder if I am getting sick or if I’m still tired or if I’m just overwhelmed at being back.  Adulthood and responsibility, after almost a month of basically none, is for the birds.  I’m wondering if my expectations were far too high. I’m wondering if these challenges of insecurity and discouragement are meant to take my eye off the prize–the two goals that I came back to attack. I was all ready to do them. I had confidence that I could slay those two beasts.

Now I’m having trouble thinking about anything other than the things that I don’t want to think about at all.

I’m a little pissed off that I had to deal with the drama right when I got back.  I guess I’m glad that I could do what I was supposed to do–and, yeah, I was supposed to talk to that person and that person was supposed to recognize responsibility and take some measure of accountability, of that I am certain–but I’m not happy about how it opened the door again to something that I was so much happier not to have in my life.  Now I’m wondering how to close the door again.  I’m wondering why it is that I have to keep closing this door.

What am I supposed to be learning?  Whatever it is…it’s exhausting.

I’m a little ticked off that I am mad at the person I shouldn’t be mad at.  It doesn’t make any sense.  I really don’t like being upset at this person and it makes me feel all out of sorts.  Truly. That’s the best way that I can describe it–I’m completely out of sorts.  Being upset at this person makes me feel like I’m betraying them in some way–isn’t that weird? I should be completely grateful and feel closer and more connected…and all I am is…angry and detached.  Of course, if you are angry, you are not at all detached.

That’s probably the problem.

I was thinking about this last night, and I realized that it felt like well-timed waves of challenge that are hitting me.  Just when I get clear, when I find my footing again, when I feel like things are going well and I’m completely happy, something else hits me.   Something that requires a great deal of strength, of discernment, of spiritual understanding.  Something that just requires a great deal of thought and pondering–or something that at least elicits a lot of that from me. I have been caught up in my head a lot lately.

I guess that’s life, right?  And I was oddly grateful for that fact when I realized it.  If I wasn’t being hit with all of these challenges, I wouldn’t be growing and progressing as much as I hope that I am.

I don’t know.

I’m just tired.  So tired.

wrong side of the bed

Posted in drama drama drama, etcetera, friends, me, The Single Life, you have to be a chick to understand on January 8, 2008 by drbolte

I woke up today in a bad mood.

Things got better. I thought maybe it was because I didn’t get enough sleep or whatever. Could have been.

But I actually think I’m angry. At someone that I shouldn’t be angry with because…well…there’s no reason. None at all. In fact, quite the opposite.

(So not at all related to the post yesterday.  That, by the way, has been sort of resolved.)

It’s no fun if you aren’t justified in the anger, you know?

All that ends up happening is that I feel like a putz and have to work through it myself and be magnanimous and all sorts of the bigger person and blah blah blah.

And that just ticks me off more.

reinvention

Posted in dissertation, etcetera, friends, Life, me, memelicious, School, teaching, The Single Life, wish i may wish i might, you have to be a chick to understand on December 30, 2007 by drbolte

I am embracing the overwhelming desire to reinvent myself, my life, my world.

Don’t grow concerned–I’m not in the midst of a full-on identity crisis.  In fact, I think it may be just the opposite.

When I came home this Christmas, my grandpa said that, since he saw me at Thanksgiving and now, he knows that I have found myself. I’m not sure I knew that I was lost, per se, but I’m also not sure he’s wrong. My grandpa tends to wax philosophical about my returns–I guess he sees that I have changed every time I return after a few months away; honestly, I think my mom sees the same thing, and I’m the only one not seeing the changes–but this time, I think he might be right.

It’s a nice idea, anyway, that I am coming into my own.

I usually end up making my hair a mirror of my quest to find myself–quite honestly, my hair has been a chameleon over the past two years, changing with any whim of mine or when I needed a boost of confidence.  I don’t know that what I’m doing can really rate as anything truly dramatic–a new shaggy, shorter layered look with some sassy funky appeal and a dark brown/chocolate brown color–but maybe it’s the combination that feels like reinvention.

Or maybe it’s just my attitude about it.

A friend of mine said, just after she chopped her hair off again this week, that she pictures all of her troubles and worries in that hair that’s being chopped off and so she feels liberated.  Something about that thought rang really true to me.

We all need those moments when we feel that we are shedding all of the worries and weights of the past and moving confidently forward, with purpose and direction.  Isn’t that the hallmark of this time of the year?

To be honest, I don’t usually buy into the whole New Year’s nonsense.  I mean, I’ll admit that I’ve started a diet or five when the New Year rolled around, or aspired to work out more, but really?  I don’t make resolutions on that day because I feel like resolutions ought to be made all year round.   Goals are goals.  Resolutions seem made to be broken.

So I guess I feel like a bit of a hypocrite to be feeling the reinvention bug now, a day before the New Year rings in.  Last year I did it too…but it was my apartment instead of myself.  I redecorated my living room–made new curtains, completely changed the color scheme, and in so doing felt like I had righted my world.  Nevertheless, I don’t think I had connected it to New Year’s.

See, in my world, with January comes a brand-new semester.  This one seems more full of promise than any other.  My dissertation is on a really good track. My director told me that I am writing with more confidence than ever and I am infused with a great excitement and motivation to make it amazing.  I’m going to be teaching a class that I’ve never taught before–the first class that will make me feel, actually, as if I am a real professor.  A real professional.  I’m already planning my wardrobe choices, to be honest.  You know if I’m planning what I’m going to wear already, it’s important.

I feel like I have this great opportunity to start anew.  To approach things differently. To cultivate and concentrate on the relationships that matter.  To create adventure.  To learn to love the parts of me that I’ve never liked, even as I try to change them for the better.  To accomplish the things that I’ve so wanted to accomplish but haven’t had the courage yet to really run after with true zeal.  To stop being scared and start being me…with no apologies.

That’s a lovely, hopeful feeling.

I hope it lasts.  Hope is an amazing motivator.

It might even get my larger than I’d like butt onto the treadmill come January 8th.

THAT would be amazing.

dear santa

Posted in blogging, family, friends, Life, wish i may wish i might, you have to be a chick to understand on December 20, 2007 by drbolte

better late than never.

say hey to mrs. claus–tell her we appreciate her working it for the big-hipped crowd. 

first on my list? a hot boy who is here to stay.  i’d like him to be kind and cute, funny and sweet, and really think i’m amazing.  i’m pretty sure if he’s half of those things, i’ll think he’s incredible too.

in case that takes a bit longer than christmas morning (and, hey, quality takes time), may i suggest the following?

a sassy purse. 

hairspray, the film.  possibly the soundtrack as well.

some silver hoops.  i lost mine, dangit.

mail.  or maybe, just maybe, the phone call i’m not supposed to get. that would be INCREDIBLE.

reese’s peanut butter cups.  the mini ones.  the ones that come in festive christmas colors.

dissertation mojo.

actually, anything will be great.  i’m a fan, santa.  thanks for all of your hard work. i’m trying to do my part on this end. 

the very good girl (listen…you have NO idea) from florida currently camping out in north carolina’s frigid wintry north.

are you really this bored?

Posted in books are bliss, family, friends, ghetto life, Life, me, mirror mirror on the wall, shopping, The Single Life, you have to be a chick to understand on December 20, 2007 by drbolte

I got all dolled up today–cute black sweater, the jeans that make my butt look good (a feat like unto achieving world peace), cute black flats–to go shopping.  I’m not really sure why, except that I needed to feel gorgeous all day as I went out to face the world. 

Sometimes you don’t want to be caught looking like a truck just hit you, backed up, and rolled over you again.  You know? It was surprisingly conducive to finding one’s mojo once more.

In other news, I got Christmas shopping done.

It’s becoming a year of shopping by my gut.

I have NO idea if anyone will really like what I’ve bought them. I’m working on a budget, so my efforts were not simply to buy things for buying’s sake, but more to find a few key things that I thought people would like.  I mean, I think I’ve done pretty well.  I’m just not sure. 

Of course, it would have been easier if people had actually TOLD me what they wanted, but even when they did, I didn’t buy things that they said that they wanted.

Oh well.

I really love this part of Christmas, though.  The true test of whether or not you know someone–do they like the present that you thought “OOH.  That looks like her” when you saw it?  I’m usually quite good at it.  We’ll see, I suppose.

Next step? Scrapbooking for days. 

Sigh.

Come forth, oh fountain of creativity and class!

Also, I’m reading the last Harry Potter book again.  It’s really quite good.  It was good the first time, but I’m just as captivated the second time and that’s the hallmark of good literature, I think. 

kill the pink elephants

Posted in etcetera, friends, Life, me, mirror mirror on the wall, The Single Life, you have to be a chick to understand on December 19, 2007 by drbolte

Have you ever wanted to say something so much that the words that you tried to say instead came out rather strangled and unrecognizable? Like they were not at all what you had intended to say, and yet it was the best that you could do at the time. Like you know you can’t say all you want to say–just can’t, for reasons that matter little to that moment in time but weigh you down nonetheless–but it’s there, anyways, always hanging about like so many pink elephants.

I am tired of speaking through a room full of pink elephants, with their what ifs and their questions of definition.

I think, honestly, I am just tired.

logic makes no sense

Posted in friends, Life, me, The Single Life, you have to be a chick to understand on December 6, 2007 by drbolte

How is it that finally being free from a situation that, at the end, only brought a great deal of pain or angst be both so amazing and so empty feeling at the same time?

It’s a strange sort of adjustment.

I am a yo-yo right now. Less now, this week, than in the past few…so much less that it’s hard to articulate the positive difference…but still I find myself moving from a great giddy excitement about all of the possibilities that the world offers me right now and a sense of melancholy poignance about when things were good and great and exciting that I think anyone who has loved and lost knows.

I want, somehow, to make myself make logical sense during this process.

You know the drill…Logic rears its ugly head with the line of bunk that basically begins with “if you were a stronger person, you would be able to…” or the train of thought that begins with imposing time limits on life lessons and derails about the point when I realize that it takes as long as it takes to learn whatever I’m supposed to learn or the comparisons to other people who seem to be fine with whatever comes their way.

In those terms, I seem to fall miserably short.

But none of that really works for me in this particular situation, because nothing about the whole thing ever made any kind of logical sense.  Why would the end be any different?

Do you know the film Never Been Kissed? At the end, when Drew Barrymore’s character has to write her soul-baring, career-saving article about her journey? And she says that she left high school the first time with a lot of regrets, but that second time, her regrets were down to one?

I feel that way as well.  I really just have very few regrets.  It’s nice.  Even when the situation is still so close, with true distance and perspective months yet away, I see the whole thing as for my benefit, even though it ended so much worse differently than I predicted.

(Emotional tumult is also an excellent diet. I will say that I was rather pleased with the way the jeans were fitting tonight.  Who knew of such side benefits?)

So, I’m moving on, my eyes trained very clearly ahead and not behind.

I feel almost catapulted into action, on both spiritual and academic levels, and perhaps that is precisely what I’ve needed. I know where I am is where I’m supposed to be, on this path and focused, for the moment, on actually finishing my dissertation. It’s been on the back burner for far, far too long.

But you’ll forgive me, I’m sure, if I take a few glances back every once in a while.

I think it’s only natural.

Even if it doesn’t make any sense.