Archive for the friends Category

logic makes no sense

Posted in friends, Life, me, The Single Life, you have to be a chick to understand on December 6, 2007 by drbolte

How is it that finally being free from a situation that, at the end, only brought a great deal of pain or angst be both so amazing and so empty feeling at the same time?

It’s a strange sort of adjustment.

I am a yo-yo right now. Less now, this week, than in the past few…so much less that it’s hard to articulate the positive difference…but still I find myself moving from a great giddy excitement about all of the possibilities that the world offers me right now and a sense of melancholy poignance about when things were good and great and exciting that I think anyone who has loved and lost knows.

I want, somehow, to make myself make logical sense during this process.

You know the drill…Logic rears its ugly head with the line of bunk that basically begins with “if you were a stronger person, you would be able to…” or the train of thought that begins with imposing time limits on life lessons and derails about the point when I realize that it takes as long as it takes to learn whatever I’m supposed to learn or the comparisons to other people who seem to be fine with whatever comes their way.

In those terms, I seem to fall miserably short.

But none of that really works for me in this particular situation, because nothing about the whole thing ever made any kind of logical sense.  Why would the end be any different?

Do you know the film Never Been Kissed? At the end, when Drew Barrymore’s character has to write her soul-baring, career-saving article about her journey? And she says that she left high school the first time with a lot of regrets, but that second time, her regrets were down to one?

I feel that way as well.  I really just have very few regrets.  It’s nice.  Even when the situation is still so close, with true distance and perspective months yet away, I see the whole thing as for my benefit, even though it ended so much worse differently than I predicted.

(Emotional tumult is also an excellent diet. I will say that I was rather pleased with the way the jeans were fitting tonight.  Who knew of such side benefits?)

So, I’m moving on, my eyes trained very clearly ahead and not behind.

I feel almost catapulted into action, on both spiritual and academic levels, and perhaps that is precisely what I’ve needed. I know where I am is where I’m supposed to be, on this path and focused, for the moment, on actually finishing my dissertation. It’s been on the back burner for far, far too long.

But you’ll forgive me, I’m sure, if I take a few glances back every once in a while.

I think it’s only natural.

Even if it doesn’t make any sense.

“i had to stop her screaming!”

Posted in friends, Life, me, mirror mirror on the wall, The Single Life, yet another reason why i don't understand men, you have to be a chick to understand on November 27, 2007 by drbolte

do you know Clue?

i don’t mean the board game, you lightweights. i mean the amazing tim curry, madeline kahn, et al film of the mid 80s that adapted the board game.

if you don’t know this, be ashamed. and then netflix it. because, really, it’s so hilarious.

i am, however, not simply writing an ode to the brilliance of Martin Mull’s Colonel Mustard (although his mommy and daddy line gets me every single time).  i am using it as a segue into something that seemed horrible when i woke up this morning but that, as i get longer into the day and think more about it, now seems like a great blessing…that’s not even in much disguise anymore.

so, life pretty much slapped me in the face this morning.

it wasn’t life-altering. just hurtful. it was something i would have never done…not in one million years…to someone else, especially not a friend.  so it felt like a slap–literally. an emotional slap. i’m pretty sure i even felt nauseous afterwards.

the morning was full of figuring out what to do next.

the details aren’t important.

what’s important, though, is the way that that slap has turned from a horrifying moment into a smack back into reality.

see, the supersassy carrie, the one who believed in herself and was sure of her own amazingness, the one with her priorities right and whose desire is only to serve Heavenly Father and who’s strong enough and focused enough to do it, has been AWOL lately, replaced with someone who worried a lot, fretted more, and basically felt like life was one big school where she was barely passing.

you ever have days…weeks…months like that?

i’m grateful for the lessons. really, i am. i know more about myself now than i did three months ago. i am farther along in my progression than i have been in a good long while.

basically, i feel READY for things now that i didn’t feel ready for before.

(gosh that was a convoluted sentence. i hope it translates.)

back to clue.

mr. green, when mrs. peacock is screaming about something or other–basically, she’s gone loopy–smacks the daylights out of her.

it shocks her.

and she returns to her senses.

she returns to herself.

and she moves on.

i feel like that’s what today’s events have done for me.  smacked me back to life.  back to who i am.  back to who i WANT to be. reminded me of what’s important, who’s important, and what i’m here to do.

it’s amazing how shock can sort of crystallize your vision, make you see and feel things differently.  i guess anything that jars us out of a rut does that for us.

so, i am grateful for the slap. i can’t say that it doesn’t sting and that i’ll ALWAYS be grateful for it, but i’m awfully grateful for the reminder that i am not this person.

i am supersassy.

i am wickedly funny.

i am confident and full of life.

i give of myself.

i am a GREAT friend.

i love people with my whole heart.

and i’ve got game, according to one adorable guy friend of mine.

so…i’m off to play.  REALLY play.  play with heart and my whole self.  play with everything that i have.

play for keeps this time.

teetering

Posted in dissertation, etcetera, family, friends, Life, me, School on November 1, 2007 by drbolte

have you seen storypeople?

it’s lovely. go there. it makes you think, and some of the quotes get me where i live. this one especially struck me today, as i think it describes better how i’m feeling than i could myself.

Most people she never tells about the tightrope because she doesn’t want to listen to their helpful comments from the ground.

do you ever feel like you’re walking a tightrope and, rather than hear suggestions about foot placement or balance, you’d like to just hear some cheerleading? or maybe some sympathetic “ooh!”s and “wow!”s?

that’s how i’ve been feeling.

nothing bad’s happened. life is still amazing and magical.

but i have a lot to do. and not a lot of it seems to be getting done for the running around like a crazy person that i seem to do every day.

case in point: yesterday.

it was my temple wednesday, which i was alternately grateful for and wishing was another week. more gratitude than wishing, though, lest you throw rotten fruit at me. so, i was up at 5 and driving to orlando (about a 1 1/2 hour drive one way) by 5:30. i worked until about 12:45, then had to run to walmart, then drove home, then talked to my mom for about a half an hour, then helped my roommate with a project for some departing missionaries that we adore (stupid transfers!), then had dinner with the missionaries, then stayed home from institute ostensibly to get some much-needed sleep but ended up working on the project some more until i begged for mercy at 10 and went to bed. where i ended up not being able to fall asleep until like 11. and then i woke up at 5:45 to go to breakfast this morning.

yeesh.

yeah, i know that everybody’s got crappy schedules, and my world of singleness and fun and running around doing crazy things is probably not at all seeming like it’s rough.

but when all i want to do is sleep, read a freaking book that i need to read, or clean the house and i can’t manage to get any of that done, it’s deeply frustrating to me.

i feel time ticking by and i wonder if i have much to show for it.

right now, more than ever, i feel like my life is a tightrope. a rich, rewarding, fabulously fantastic tightrope, but a tightrope nonetheless.

and weeks like this, where it all seems to be crashing in on my head, my sleep-deprived, perhaps whiny head, make me want a cheerleading section.

this week, when i tried to get people to cheer me on, they all sort of shrugged and went back to concentrating on their own busy schedules. it makes sense.

but at times i want to say, “excuse me, do you freaking REALIZE everything that i’m handling up here? do you realize how gravity-defying this is? do you UNDERSTAND that at any moment i could plunge, head over feet, onto the concrete below…but that i’m managing to not?”

i realize, though, like storypeople says, that sometimes it’s better to not call attention to the tightrope.

if nobody else sees it, maybe it’ll be easier to walk.

or that’s what i tell myself, anyways. but sometimes i’d just like the people that i love the most to notice it on their own. and give me a hug.

maybe i’ll start doing that for the people in MY life instead.

it will certainly help me keep my balance.

i bow at the feet of the velveteen mind

Posted in blogging, friends, holy smartness batman, Life on October 25, 2007 by drbolte

Please read this.

You won’t regret it.

the arrested development of my horrible, terrible, no good very bad day; or, why i now understand why they call it the curse

Posted in etcetera, friends, Life, me, mirror mirror on the wall, you have to be a chick to understand on October 15, 2007 by drbolte

PMS just sucks.

i mean, really and seriously sucks.

do you remember that episode of the series “Roseanne”? where the kids and the husband look at the calendar and start freaking out because apparently their wife/mom has been possessed by the spirit of a demon from hell?

yup. that’s me today.

not so much the irrational rage and homicidal tendencies, but crazy insecurity and a way large tendency towards misinterpreting almost anything as somehow reflecting negatively on me.

i was having one of those days today.

it started out good.  i mean, i had a backache when i woke up, but i had slept well and i was going to institute, so it was all good.   i got the chance to break some pencils in institute class–broke like 6 of them together.  it was part of an object lesson, and i’m fairly certain that i wasn’t supposed to be able to do that, but i did it anyways.

maybe that should have been a sign?

then i got to talk to one of my favorite people.  i did some stuff that i had been meaning to do for a week.  i was all set to be way productive.

and then the day got derailed by the demon insecurity and it went a bit like this:

person 1: hi, carrie.

person 2: hey.

person 1: how’s it going?

person 2: [insert crazy sniveling whining fit here, brought on by nothing much at all]

so, ladies, you’ll understand this.   it just happens. and, guys, you understand it too.  girls are just crazy a little bit sometimes.  and while it annoys the ever-loving crap out of me when every emotion expressed by a girl is attributed to PMS by guys, for me? insecurity, whining, and craziness? almost always the result of the demon.

but here’s where my day gets worse.  or at least it started to get worse.

i felt really, really stupid about the whole thing. we hadn’t been talking about the weather or about the latest issue of InStyle. we’d been talking about something of consequence, and my lame reactions to it made what might have been an otherwise fine conversation be way more drama-filled than it needed or should have been.

commence the “stupid!stupid!stupid!” inner monologue.

[remember how i’m feeling]

see, i don’t like to be told what to do, how to act, or what to feel.  i don’t like to be human.  i mean, that’s just the truth. i would, if i could, be the superwoman caretaker of all, always in control of my own emotions, always appropriately sympathetic with a splash of spunky humor, always ready with words of wisdom from the times when life has knocked me down and broken my heart in private.

i do not like to show to other people, especially people that matter to me, that i am not as together as i aim to be.

but worst of all? i don’t like to feel like i messed up something.  i don’t like to feel stupid.

and, boy howdy, was i feeling stupid.

and then, not fifteen minutes after this all went down and i realized that i was, perhaps, the stupidest person on the planet and would have given just about anything to be able to push a rewind button and just scrap some semblance of reason together and act like a NORMAL PERSON instead of an irrationally crazy girl, my phone rang.

a friend of mine had called for no other reason than she’d been thinking about me and felt like she needed to call me right then.

cue the waterworks, which had been threatening for at least half an hour probably.

so i told her that i had been having a no good terrible rotten awful bad day.

and she listened to me talk about how crazy i thought i was and about how i wished i had done it all differently.

she told me that i was human. and that that’s okay to be human. and that she loved me.

and she, just by being her and being an instrument in the Lord’s hands when i needed her to be, reminded me of who i am.

i am a daughter of a Heavenly Father who must love me something fierce to bless me so hugely.  He must know me so well to know what EXACTLY He could do to succor me at a time when, honestly, all i would have done was beat myself up for being a freaking idiot.

instead, i got to remember that, in fact, i am amazing.

and definitely human.

and seriously flawed.

but amazing nonetheless.

and that it’s okay for me to be less than perfect sometimes because the people that love me the most love me despite those crazy flaws. in fact, some of them, i think,  love me more because i show those flaws sometimes.

because when i do, i show that, even though i can take care of other people, sometimes i need to be taken care of as well.

i show that, in this armor, there are quite a few chinks. i just hide them well.

we all do, don’t we?

in the process, i think i regained some perspective.  i think i realized some things about myself.  i’m always afraid that the people who see all of the parts of me–most especially the bad parts, or the parts that i don’t like–will decide that i’m not worth the effort.

i’m pretty sure that’s my greatest fear.

but the tiny voice inside of me–the one that’s nearly always right–tells me that, actually, those are the things that make me even more extraordinary. and maybe that me worrying so much about that does more to push people away than just being who i am and embracing it.

crazy days and all.

so, my horrible, terrible , no good very bad day has actually turned into something quite beneficial–perspective.

i needed some of that.

what i really don’t need?

any more of this crazy.  seriously. we’re all full up here.

sheesh.

and wow.

[and i’m cracking myself up here, so that must be a good sign, eh?]

playing small

Posted in Church, family, friends, Life, me on October 9, 2007 by drbolte

 

Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate, but that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, handsome, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We were born to manifest the glory of God within us. It is not just in some; it is in everyone. And, as we let our own light shine, we consciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our fear, our presence automatically liberates others. –Nelson Mandela

I have been thinking a lot about choices lately.

The choice to be happy versus the choice to avoid hurt.

The choice to be vulnerable and growing versus the choice to be tough and impenetrable.

The choice to embrace everything in my life versus the choice to fight what’s clearly meant to be.

The choice to believe that I am everything that I am versus the choice to continue to believe that I am less than I actually am.

The choice to take the giant leap of faith versus the choice to remain behind.

Basically, I’ve been deciding whether or not I want to live small and safe or live big, proud, and magic-filled.

I’m choosing big, proud, and magic-filled. I’m choosing to surrender.

(Even if that means that, at some point, I’m going to have to accept the fact that I have big hips and always will. Find the magic in that, will you please, and let me know?)

Do you know how liberating that is? To decide, really and truly, that no matter what happens–the frustrations, the disappointments, the hurts, the broken hearts, the days without justice–you are going to embrace the perfect brightness of hope?

Surrender is in no way giving up. In some ways, I think the moments that I surrender are the moments when I can truly begin to exercise my agency.  Until then, I’m just fruitlessly banging my head against the wall.

The thought process that has led up to this decision has been an incredible one. And changing my attitude has truly led to a great deal of happiness.

So, here’s the thing I want to say today on the day that I turn 30…I’m amazing.

I say this not to be smug or self-righteous, cocky or arrogant.  I say it not in false bravado or a desire for others to pay attention to me.

I say it because it’s true.

I say it because there’s nobody like me here on this earth.

I say it because it’s the way Heavenly Father feels about me.

I say it because it’s the way my family feels about me.

I say it because it’s the way that countless others, close to my heart, feel about me.

I say it because it’s true.

One of my goals for this birthday was to make a list of 30 reasons why it’s amazing to be 30…and to believe them. The longer I think about this, the more I think that there’s really only one reason why it’s amazing to be 30.

I know who I am…and I dig her.

That’s the biggest gift a girl could ask for.

(But I’ll still take whatever you got…so hand over the loot!)

update…

Posted in etcetera, friends, Life, me on October 6, 2007 by drbolte

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Remember my list of things that I wanted to have happen for my birthday?

 

They’re HAPPENING!

 

Let’s recap, shall we?

 

  • a carousel ride or some other kind of amusement park fun (will be DONE! going to Disney World!)
  • being remembered by my best friend who is so very far away (DONE! it may be late, but he’s sending me something…)
  • doing something dramatic and fun and adventurous to my hair…I’m currently thinking of chestnut brown because I’ve never gone that dark before (DONE! See photo…)
  • creating a list of thirty reasons why it’s awesome to be me…and 30…and actually believe every.single.one
  • daisies (DONE! I love my family…)
  • dancing like a crazy fool
  • unexpected funny text messages (funny? oh yeah. and i’ve definitely gotten some that were unexpected in lots of ways…)
  • virgin margaritas (DONE! my amazing Pink Princess party featured strawberry ones…)
  • feeling like the center of attention not because I’m old but because I’m loved (DONE! my friends are amazing…)
  • some great jeans that make any outfit hot (DONE! And for $12.99 at Ross. I love sales. Those are the cheapest jeans I’ve ever bought. I love it…)
  • a grand romantic gesture (hey…a girl can dream, right?)
  • a note on my car from someone unexpected
  • embracing hope that this upcoming year will be better and greater and more amazing than this last year…which was pretty darn awesome (DONE! Or, at least, I’m working hard at it…it’s nearly impossible not to be hopeful right now…)
  • and, of course…ice cream. good ice cream. like, “who needs a man?” good ice cream

AND IT’S NOT EVEN MY BIRTHDAY YET!

 

I love my life.

let the celebration commence

Posted in family, flashback friday, friends, Life, me, roommates, the joys of living in Florida on October 5, 2007 by drbolte

About thirty years ago today, my mom was shaking her fist at the heavens and wondering if, in fact, humans could have the gestation period of elephants.

See, I was nearly a month late by that point.

(Let it never be said that I do ANYTHING on anyone else’s schedule but my own.)

Let’s see…I was born on Sunday, October 9th…so that would make today Wednesday.

She was probably anxiously awaiting her doctor’s appointment on Friday, where they were going to do a stress test to see if I was ready to arrive.

Because, you know, the 43 weeks I’d spent in her uterus was clearly not enough time for me to develop anything important.  Except, of course, for language skills and really long fingernails.

I would imagine, thirty years ago today, I was chillin’ with my Heavenly Father, way excited to come hang out on earth with the coolest family known to man.  I’m sure that I was really excited about the potential to prove that I had the faith to make the right choices. I’m sure, knowing me, that I was equal parts totally freaked out that I wouldn’t do it very well. I’m certain, also, that I was sad to leave those that I knew before this life and who I wouldn’t remember when I was here…and most especially sad to leave my Heavenly Parents.

Yep…it’s birthday time.

And I was freaked out about this birthday. I really was. I suppose there’s probably a shred of me that still freaks out about it. Time has a way of sneaking up on you and smacking you upside your head quite forcefully sometimes, reminding you that this time we have here is short and amazing and we better make the most of it every moment.

But these past few weeks have been so quite literally magical and amazing that I don’t even know how to express it.  It’s crazy how little words can encompass emotion sometimes.  But I feel like, for whatever reason, Heavenly Father has been giving me the best birthday celebration ever, as if to say: “Hey, kid, you’re doing good. You’ve done good.  Keep doing good–and here, how about you finally realize how amazing you are?  how much you are loved?”

It’s more than a nice gift to have. It’s irreplaceable.

But I’m also really looking forward to the earthly celebrations I’ll be having, kicking off today with the FLOWER DELIVERY I’m getting from my mom (can we say…daisies?!?) and tonight with my ridiculously wonderful pink Disney princess birthday bash, hosted by my wonderful roommate and my wonderful friend.  I’m excited. We invited some freaking insane amount of people–that’s how the Mormon world works for Carrie…if you’re having a party, you invite EVERYBODY so that nobody feels left out–but I know that not many of them will come.  It’s Friday night…it’s cool.  I understand.  But those that do come (and more than a few have said, absolutely, they’re coming) will be awesome and will make my birthday amazing.

I’m way loving the week-long celebration of my birth.

HOORAY!

pause

Posted in blogging, family, friends, Life, the joys of living in Florida, The Single Life, you have to be a chick to understand on October 1, 2007 by drbolte

In the immortal words of Ferris, who I reacquainted myself with on Friday night:

“Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”

So, when I look around my life, I see this and this and this and this.

Pretty good, huh?

 

thirty, flirty, and thriving

Posted in family, friends, Life, me, mirror mirror on the wall, The Single Life, you have to be a chick to understand on September 20, 2007 by drbolte

I turn 30…yes, THIRTY…in two and a half weeks.

I have had my share of freakouts about it. Believe me.

But…I’m getting over it and I’m working on celebrating the fact that I am turning thirty and I’m better than I’ve ever been.

I’m smarter.

I’m way cuter.

I’m wiser.

I’m better-looking.

I’m more confident.

I’m farther ahead in my career than I’ve ever been.

Did I mention I’m hotter?

And I’m ready–really ready–for whatever comes my way next.

I am hoping that the following things will somehow make an appearance in my (usually week-long) birthday celebrations. This is not at all a demand (*ahem*perhapsahintbutwhatever*ahem*) but simply my musing and daydreaming about what might make the BIG 3-0 that much less scary for the very single (VERY, VERY, OH SO VERY single) Carrie. It would also be amazing if they were not all from the same person…man, I’m a pain, aren’t I?

  • a carousel ride or some other kind of amusement park fun
  • being remembered by my best friend who is so very far away
  • doing something dramatic and fun and adventurous to my hair…I’m currently thinking of chestnut brown because I’ve never gone that dark before
  • creating a list of thirty reasons why it’s awesome to be me…and 30…and actually believe every.single.one
  • daisies
  • dancing like a crazy fool
  • unexpected funny text messages
  • virgin margaritas
  • feeling like the center of attention not because I’m old but because I’m loved
  • some great jeans that make any outfit hot
  • a grand romantic gesture (hey…a girl can dream, right?)
  • a note on my car from someone unexpected
  • embracing hope that this upcoming year will be better and greater and more amazing than this last year…which was pretty darn awesome
  • and, of course…ice cream. good ice cream. like, “who needs a man?” good ice cream.

I talk a good game, but this birthday is hitting me harder than any other birthday. It’s weird.

I am trying, though, to embrace it.

It’s a challenge.

Any advice?