Archive for the grrrrr. Category

reset.

Posted in bff, drama drama drama, fall is football, gators, grrrrr., teaching on September 17, 2009 by drbolte

“i hate this week, and i just want it to be over.”

that’s what i said this morning to the bff, who in his magnificent, non-fixer way just hugged me.  he didn’t tell me “hey. idiot. it’s thursday. it IS almost over.” he didn’t say “my good grief, woman, what is it about thursdays with you?”

he just hugged me.  then he made me laugh.  by that time, i had decided to make today a good day.

so as i am biting the head off of animals (in cracker form, of course…the last was a camel), i thought i’d blog about what’s been going on with me.

in really vague terms.

first, to update you on the student situation, things are better. i have begun to realize that a) not all of the populations that i teach are the same. i need to adapt, and realizing that has eliminated a lot of my frustration. i’ll still be expecting a lot…but i think if i begin to think of student population a as more like student population c than student population b (a, b, and c all being institutions where i currently teach), i am suddenly much more able to deal.

also, i laid the compassionate smackdown on the class that was bothering me most and called out the sleeping students in the other class.  of course, big giant turdhead sleeping student then gave me major attitude after class, wrapped in fake respect, so that frosted my cookies but i believe in karma and so i believe that his freshman butt will have some kind of major comeuppance soon.  and that warms the cold cockles of my shriveled, cynical heart.

anyway.

i have been feeling pretty lame, physically and in many ways.  the megalameness stemmed from something that i can’t/won’t talk about here.  nothing bad.  nothing that involved anyone else. i just felt like an idiot. i should have known better. i should have listened to my head instead of my girl emotions.  i should have been able to push past my preoccupation and gotten things done.

couldawouldashoulda never got anyone anywhere, but there you go.  i really felt stupid.

but at this point i sort of just shrug and call it experience. i don’t really know what else to do. i suppose i might be vindicated–maybe i’m not as stupid as i think–but maybe not. and if not? experience.

experienceexperienceexperience. all things are for our profit and learning.

but this feeling stupid and lame has really put a megaseriouscrimp in my multitasking, work-the-to-do-list mentality.  i am behind, and…well, i don’t like being behind.

(it contributes to the feeling megalame.)

in what is a serious pile of crap that might be tinged with a silver lining, the student ticket office essentially called me a liarface when i tried to go pick up the tickets that we purchased from another season ticket holder.  even though they have let me not only pick up tickets with those same IDs (obviously not mine, or else what would be the reason for purchasing them from someone else?) for TWO WEEKS STRAIGHT but i’ve also upgraded one of those tickets using the same id.

ohhailackofconsistentenforcement aka it’s the first SEC game and blah.

apparently i have to get someone who actually has season tickets in their name to pick up my tickets with theirs.  guess what? it’s the first sec game so everyone already did oh hello grrr.

so instead of spending 4 hours in the swamp on saturday afternoon, i will be spending 4 hours in front of my tv. i’ll be wearing blue, like urban asked, and i may even create  a gameday meal that is all blue and orange related foods.  this may be beneficial because i may be able to get some work done.  this may be beneficial because i will not have to deal with thundering hordes of drunk people.  this may be beneficial because i will not get sunburned/dehydrated/nauseous at said game.

this is not beneficial because the bff was really excited. he’s never been to an sec game and, let’s be real–this the best one on our home schedule. i’m hoping that being able to take him to the fsu game will make up for it. prince that he is, he says that it doesn’t matter.  i know that it does, but there’s really nothing that i can do about it.

except possibly make him hot wings.  he might love me lots for that and be grateful to be home rather than paying $4 for some small gatorades.

me and my lion snack can’t wait for this week to be over. not that i want a new one to come–oh no, i’d like to hit pause on sunday–but because the next one is going to be much better than this one.

i just don’t know how it couldn’t be.

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Posted in bff, bridal diaries, grrrrr., the engaged life, will work for food on May 1, 2009 by drbolte

i suppose things have changed for me over the past few months. for all intents and purposes, not six months ago, i was on the tenure-track job path, looking to be a professor and a book writer and a scholar and all of those things.  from the outside, especially to those that didn’t know me well, perhaps they thought that was my ultimate dream.

it really was what i had been working on for ages.

if you look at what i’m choosing now, i suppose it may seem like i am giving up on that dream, like i am sacrificing it for more traditional choices of marriage and family since i’m choosing to find a job that will support my family rather than choosing to continue to pursue the tenure track job market.

i’m trying to play devil’s advocate here because i had an experience yesterday that i’m not sure i’m interpreting correctly, except that i have known this person a while and experienced the sociopolitical attitudes that color this person’s world.

i haven’t seen this person since i got engaged, haven’t really expressed my change in plans. i’ve had some experience in explaining what i’m planning to do–it is a question most people ask–but this time, when i was explaining that i was happy to get any teaching job and that the bff would be in school for a while and that we’d be staying here until he was finished, i saw something happen in this person’s eyes.

judgment.

i’m not sure how to deal with that, really. i do not apologize for my choices, nor am i trying to incite a debate about what women can or cannot do. i know what i want, what i believe, and i know that the bff and i will navigate life with very similar goals for our family. but i guess i don’t understand why anyone would judge me for those choices.

i’ve encountered this all up and down the academic world. somehow, you are less smart, less brilliant, somehow a tragic sacrifice to antiquated values if you choose to focus on family rather than yourself.  since when did being unselfish, even a little bit, in the choices you make for your family become a bad thing?

i do not walk around judging women who pursue their dreams.  it’s not my place. i grew up the daughter of a single mother who worked every day of her life for everything that she got. i have spent many years seeking the most education that i can. women are just as capable as men in pursuing and working for what they want. i am the beneficiary of the opportunities that are now open to women.

i guess i just wish that i would receive the same respect for my choices.

updates.

Posted in bff, c, dissertation, etcetera, family, grrrrr., me, mirror mirror on the wall, my amazing mother, oh so very random, sigh, someday I'll be a real middle class girl, teaching, the joys of living in Florida, will work for food, you should really worship me on February 12, 2009 by drbolte

hi there.

i know, it’s been ages.  this week has flown by and with it, seemingly, anything interesting to say about my life. i’ve mainly just been trying to keep on keeping on.

but i have a few things to updated you on/vent about/describe. enjoy. (or don’t. some people don’t like these update-y posts. more power to you, but it’s what i’ve got.)

  • the toe.  still broken. turned an impressive shade of purple earlier in the week. i have yet to try to wear regular shoes, although the doc told me to wear more supportive shoes than flip flops. i’m having trouble understanding how that can happen since these allegedly more supportive shoes often require me to STUFF MY ENTIRE BROKEN FOOT (whatever. toe. i know. hyperbole.) INTO THE WHOLE THING.  that seems, i feel, counterproductive to the whole “i avoid pain” campaign.  (pain. campaign. ha. i’ll be here all week.) but as a result of walking strangely, hobbling, and trying to walk normally (these happen in succession usually and i’ll let you guess which one i do most often), the outside of my right leg (the one with the wounded wing) hurts. in a strange way. it feels strained or pulled or something. i’ve tried massage (well, i whined a lot and got the bff to rub it for me) and it didn’t really help.  i’ve tried ibuprofen. didn’t help.  so, yeah…the broken toe is SUCKAGE.
  • can’t work out really because of the toe. or, i should say, i’m afraid to try this week since it hasn’t even been a week and i really don’t want to screw it up even more than i have.  so i’ve been doing random things like crunches (which i’m actually sort of starting to feel, hallelujah) but those don’t give a good calorie burn (stupid. stupid. stupid.). but the result is that i’ve had to be SUPER self-disciplined with my eating in order to not dig myself into a hole that will freak me out and require massive amounts of effort to extract myself from.  so, the result is that i’m probably going to WAY slow down the progress, which is SO. FRUSTRATING., but…that’s life, right? you do what you can with what you’ve got.  pretty soon i’m going to try the stationary bike.  that can’t possibly hurt my foot, right?
  • actually wrote a page and a half of my dissertation chapter yesterday. in a relatively short amount of time (total actual writing time? like 45 minutes.  of course, i spent three hours doing other random crap on the internet, but let’s focus on the successes, shall we?).  this gives me hope, which anchors my soul.  i believe that i can actually accomplish this thing.
  • had an interview for an adjunct job on monday in jax.  i expected it to be one of those interviews where, you know, you try to sell them on you.  wrong. i walked in there (limped, probably, but that’s neither here nor there) and she basically already wanted to hire me and spent the next forty or so minutes convincing me that i wanted to work there–or at least telling me all of the things that i would be getting myself into.  it was a nice switch, let me tell you, from the solemn deathmarch that is the tenure track job market right now.   so…i’ll be working there in the late summer.  possibly in the fall as well.  and she mentioned the possibilities of visiting professor lines being opened up next year. so, there’s that. which leads me to my next point…
  • decided that i’m staying in florida for the timebeing. actually, probably for a long time.  i feel really good about this decision, which is completely opposite to what i thought i would do.  i feel like even if it means adjuncting for the rest of my life, cobbling together a living based on jobs here and there, the payoffs are definitely worth it.  some things are just more important, and i’ve always felt that way.  besides, i’m still not completely counting out high school.  that actually seems sort of fun to me. does that make me insane? maybe a little.
  • valentine’s day is coming up. i’m working on that project that i solicited help for. i’ve been told that i need to post the final playlist when it’s finished. i will, i promise.  i hope it’s good. your suggestions were WONDERFUL, and in some cases led me to other things which were amazing and perfect so…you all win. and hopefully i win with the bff too.
  • mom comes on sunday! YAY! she hasn’t been here in AGES…and she gets to meet (finally…) the bff.  despite us being best friends for nearly three years, she’s never met him.  it’s about time, eh?

that’s about all that’s going on in my life. what’s new in yours?

refuge.

Posted in bff, drama drama drama, grrrrr., i love my life, i love youtube--so sue me, superheckyes, the glass is half FULL on January 12, 2009 by drbolte

today was amazing and not-so-amazing at the same time.

i got sucked into the vortex of drama at my right hand and at my left, some of which was directed at the BFF about me.  i expected opposition, i suppose, because there is an age difference.  but i guess i also expected that those opinions would be expressed and then people would leave it alone.

not the case.

ANYWAYS.

i was upset by two rather saddening situations today, both of which had the potential to tear me down.  i act sometimes like i don’t care a lot about what other people think or do, which is true absolutely sometimes, but in some situations it really bothers me.  i was bothered today, i think mainly just because things kept coming at me and i didn’t know what to do about it.

what i didn’t really expect was how having the BFF right there, knowing exactly what to do and when to do it to make me feel like all was right with the world regardless of any metaphorical exploding taking place in that moment, made everything okay immediately.

i’d been thinking about this song lately anyways, but i realized that today it was absolutely exactly how i felt.

and i think it says it best.

california dreamin’: day one.

Posted in dissertation, drama drama drama, grrrrr., holy smartness batman, will work for food on January 1, 2009 by drbolte

my saturday started at 4a.m.

if you’re horrified by that fact, think of how i felt when i had to haul my carcass out of bed having only slept for about three hours, ready to face a cross-country plane trip and the stress of a conference that was bigger and badder than anything else i’d been to.

good times, eh?

i got to the airport a bit later than i anticipated, only to find that my airline’s ticket counter was mysteriously closed.

as in NO ONE was there to check bags.  there was a line that wrapped around the terminal, but no one was there to get the process started, and i only had an hour before my flight.  so skycaps came to my rescue, and i was on my way.

what is it about smaller airports that the food choices are so abominable? what is about airports that they scalp you up one side and down the other for your money?  why does a bagel cost $40?  why do 8 bandaids cost $3?  i am fully aware of the truthfulness of the law of supply and demand when i fly.

i was hoping to eat before my flight, but i didn’t get enough time and if i had to eat a cinnabon, i would have thrown up completely. not that they’re not good–they’re great–but they’re also death in a box and who needs that before you get on a giant metal tube for four hours?

i thought you’d agree.

we landed in denver early. i was THRILLED because i was really ready to be off the plane. even if only for an hour, i needed space and time to stretch my legs.

and food.  seriously i was in massive need of food.

so we got in early and i was all YAYAYAYAYAYAY.

and then we sat.

for twenty minutes.

behind the plane that was at our gate that hadn’t left yet.

let me tell you, if there is a more frustrating situation, i really don’t know what it is.  i was not pleased.  the not pleasedness could have come from the fact that, at this point, i had been up for approximately seven hours with no food.

i don’t do well with little sleep and no food, just as an fyi.

so i ate a bagel and tried not to hate my life because i was getting back on a plane again.

but luckily, that plane ride was significantly shorter and was over very pretty snow-covered mountains, so i dealt well. and i arrived in san francisco with a degree of excitement that i didn’t really expect.  i got my bag in pretty short order and, after a quick call home to retrieve the confirmation number of the shuttle that i’d reserved, i went to find the shuttle pickup point.

which was supposed to be at the end of an arrow-filled route.

except that the arrows…they led NOWHERE.

exhausted and frustrated, i was about to cry when i finally found it.  whew.

so i made it to my hotel, only to realize that it was SWARMING with people and that everything i had ever heard about the mla–the chaos, the people, the insanity–was absolutely, 100% true.  good times.

long story short…TOO LATE!…i took a nap, ate some peanut butter crackers, waited for my mla roommate to get there, ate the most amazing crab cakes ever at an irish pub, and got ready for my foray into mla panel attendance.

it was a day.

memo to myself.

Posted in going quietly mad, grrrrr. on August 19, 2008 by drbolte

the next time you get the brilliant idea that you should be the football block coordinator, thinking that it will be no big deal, no stress, and an easy way to help out…

…smack yourself repeatedly in the head and get a clue.

NEVER. AGAIN.

goodness.

that doesn’t mean my eyes will soon be turning red.

Posted in etcetera, grrrrr., sigh, the joys of living in Florida on August 14, 2008 by drbolte

the rain has thwarted at least three of my well-conceived plans.

i could grab an umbrella and suck it up and do it anyways–and that might happen later–but it’s annoying me. don’t get me wrong–i very much appreciate the fact that it is not a sweltering 900 degrees in the shade and that we desperately needed the rain because the ground it was so thirsty–but seriously. enough already.  keep the clouds. adios the perpetual rain.

i also need a massage.

first, before i say this, you have to understand that i am not a massage person.  it’s a personal boundary thing.  a person you don’t know?  i don’t think so.  but my neck and shoulders are in some serious knots.  i don’t know what i did yesterday while i was walking or sleeping or something, but once i was done, i had some serious muscle spasms.  super.  at least i can say that it’s not the kind of muscle spasm where you can’t turn your neck–try driving with that one. yeah, good times–but it does hurt.  so that sucks.

also, let me just tell you.  if you have a persistent muscle twitch, possibly related to the fact that your entire back feels like it’s in knots for whatever reason, and you google it? you will find out that you do not in fact have a persistent muscle twitch likely related to exercise or a dietary deficit (who knew magnesium was so important?) but instead some debilitating disease like ALS or MS.

yeah, don’t google your ailments unless you are prepared to write a will and say goodbye to friends and family.

deep breath. i’m going to go and try to salvage my day, which will involve walking in the rain, going to the library, and doing something productive like i did yesterday.

go me.