Archive for the hilarity Category

because i’m a giver…

Posted in bff, domestic goddess, fall is football, gators, hilarity, oh so very random on September 12, 2009 by drbolte

…i will let you know that when you have accomplished about as much as i guess you can on a particular level in guitar hero as a solo guitarist, you play a gig with sting, ozzy, and travis barker from blink 182. when you only somewhat survive the final metallica song, apparently you all jump off of the skyscraper in times square that you were playing on (literally…we were on the roof).

then you fly through the sky in a wooden viking boat being pulled by griffins, still with sting, ozzy, and travis, playing some song that you’ve never heard as the credits roll. but then they give you ANOTHER gig…so i really have no idea if my guitar alter ego isabella is dead, playing gigs in some mythological heaven, or if successfully playing a gig with the prince of darkness is so transcendent that the whole griffin thing was a whacked out vision/trip.

discovering and pondering this at 11pm as the bff told me i beat the game =  a friday well-spent.

well, that combined with getting all the laundry done and not having to make dinner because it was leftover night and grading all of the papers for my UPX class.

in other news, i’m not at the gator game because the bff is working until 2.  it’s currently raining in the swamp.

never been so happy to be home, in my gator shirt and cutoffs with my orange and blue apron (i was cleaning!), trying to get work done.

perhaps dubious, but a distinction nonetheless.

Posted in bff, drama drama drama, hilarity, me, oh so very random on February 7, 2009 by drbolte

i went out to lunch with the bff on friday afternoon, inbetween what we thought would be all day rehearsals for his upcoming concert.

we went to chili’s (yum…love it. too much) and on the way in, we got in each other’s way and his big foot, clad in adidas shoes, came down hard on the edge of my flip-flop wearing basically bare right foot.

and it HURT.

i thought it just hurt because, well, he’s a big guy and my foot got the brunt of the force of him stepping onto the sidewalk. (read: a lot.) and it immediately looked like he had broken the skin in one place and that it would bruise, so i assumed that’s where the pain was coming from.

so we walked into the restaurant, my foot still hurting and me not understanding why but keeping an eye on the bruise which was ever-expanding.

about ten minutes after we sat down, the pain was gone.  i was glad and assumed that it was just another one of those accidents that i am prone to that leave my feet scarred and not pretty for open toed shoes.

i was right, but not in the way that i thought.

(i’m sure you see where this is going…but i will tell my story anyways and you will like it.)

about twenty minutes after we sat down, my pinky toe started to throb in a really suspicious way. it was about this time that i looked down and realized that the bruise was spreading quickly and when the bff started joking about breaking my foot.

i laughed at first but as the throbbing continued and especially once i got up to walk (it’s odd to realize that you can actually feel something broken…) out, i wasn’t really laughing either. x-rays at student health confirmed it.

he broke my toe.

it’s kind of a hilarious story and situation, and i sure don’t blame anybody. it’s one of those crazy things that could only happen to me.  but the poor guy feels pretty horrible and has spent most of this weekend taking care of me, although there’s very little to be done except taping it to my other toe and trying to keep it from throbbing  by elevating it.

but mint oreo blizzards and lots of hugs sure help some.

but the streak is over.  i’ve now officially broken a bone.  and i broke it without even crying.  i am TOUGH.

(i mean, i cried, but not from pain…more from oh my crap what do i do now? when i was on the phone with my mom trying to decide whether or not i should go to student health or if i should just suck it up.)

at first i was really annoyed. i had been getting back to my seriously hard core workout self, planning stadiums twice a week, shred three times a week, and double gym workouts on other days. i was excited about getting results.  that’s pretty much out for a while.

but then, on the phone with my mom today, she mentioned that maybe my inability to do anything of the kind will allow me to focus on the dissertation in a way that i haven’t been since i got back.

so maybe…being broken will fix me.

hmm.

murphy’s law.

Posted in drama drama drama, hilarity, i love my life, Life, me, teaching on January 8, 2009 by drbolte

why is it that when you are happily dating someone, flirting guys seem to come out of the woodwork?  what is that?  i am certain that it works in the reverse as well (i’m pretty sure i saw that in action last night, which might have brought out the teeniest bit of crazy for like two minutes, but it was more like what the heck crazy than anything else since i’m still trying to figure out how to do all of this, the boy is RIDICULOUSLY ADORABLE, and not everybody knows yet.  but it was totally fine.).

but anyways.

i swear.  it’s happening. i am pretty sure the guy i worked with this afternoon at the reading and writing center thought i was adorable and was trying to flirt with me a little bit. or impress me? or something.  and the whole time i’m like WHAT THE FLIP.  i mean, he was kind of cute, but really.  i don’t care!  leave me alone!

(i might not be so good at knowing how to deal with extra attention right now, as i am a little bit of a flirt.)

and let me tell you what an interesting combination of thought processes that is…one side of your brain is dissecting a paper and the other side is dissecting human behavior.  behold the amazing drbolte and her wonderbrain.

or maybe i’m just delusional? maybe he was just being friendly?

or is that i am just exuding awesome waves of happy that make me ultraadorable or something?

i don’t know, but it’s weird.  and annoying.  because heaven knows when you’re supersingle they’re not lining up at your door to watch you exude much of anything really.

pfft. i don’t get it.

i just don’t get it.

but if these are the problems i have this week, i’ll take them. i really, really will.

call me mrs. robinson and i’ll punch you in the kneecap.

Posted in domestic goddess, hilarity, i promise you that you won't care, i'm so much cooler online, roommates, shopping, the joys of living in Florida, The Single Life, yet another reason why i don't understand men on May 22, 2008 by drbolte

so…short story that should be longer but i don’t want to talk about it yet because i don’t know what i want/am going to do yet: i have been trying to turn on the charm with a certain person. sometimes i come off conqueror–straightforward and ultrabrave–and other times i’m like THIS.IS.JUST.SO.AWKWARD. and i flee from the IM in horror.

the take home message here is that i have begun to doubt my flirting abilities.

there for a while, i was just a force to be reckoned with–supersocial, completely sure of myself (or great at faking it), at ease in my own skin, and completely and utterly charming. now? i think that it has grown to be a part of me so that i don’t notice it so much anymore, but i don’t think i’ve had enough practice lately to know if it’s still there.

i still think that when i turn on the charm, i can make people stop in their tracks. i think i just have sort of forgotten where the switch is, so recent situations find me fumbling around the metaphorical wall, looking for it, instead of gracefully flipping that bad boy into “HELLO! PAY ATTENTION TO ME!”

it could also be that thinking about it so much has made me freak out more about it. like when you know that you have a zit the size of rhode island on your chin and you think that everybody’s staring at it.

anyways. last night, after institute, my roommate and i went to publix. my purpose was to get in and out of there as soon as humanly possible. i had a headache verging on migraine status, i needed fruit and vegetables and things to eat that weren’t ramen, and it was 9 p.m. so we meander with purpose through the aisles (i LOVE strawberries and salad on sale, and i enjoy the fact that i got out of there spending less than $30 on food but still managed to get sourdough bread and as a tangential question, why does no one on the east coast know how to make sourdough bread really sour? i miss it, california girl that i am) and get to the register.

my roommate’s like “man…you picked the kids’ aisle. no gossipy things to look at!”

(also…no candy. a good thing. but raisins! which i bought. and am rather excited about, actually.)

no idea how true that kid aisle comment was.

get up to the checkout line after my roommate has bought her two items and answer the obligatory “how are you?” question with my standard “good. how are you?”.

and realize that the adorable checkout guy is making serious eye contact. ookay. moving along. slight compliment, i suppose, for migraine, very little make-up, why-yes-this-shirt-is-ridiculously-wrinkled-thanks-for-noticing, hair pulled up girl. but you’re like 20, at the most. adorable, yes. not quite jail bait, i guess, but…really? no. 21 is my limit. now.

so i slide my card, teasing my roommate about how she called me with some kind of animal noise and how i won’t answer to that, not at all unaware of the irony of how i actually DID respond to that when i didn’t respond to my name or the fact that the checkout guy and equally adorable bag guy are now listening intently.

yes, i can tell.

then the checkstand goes all haywirey, and checkout boy is apologizing for making me wait, telling me that it’s not my card. and hello, flirt switch. all of the sudden, i’m teasing back, telling him that he did it on purpose. and he responds that, yes, most definitely, he intended to make my life as difficult as possible. and we have a little cute moment there in the publix.

AND THE CROWD GOES WILD!

or at least the crowd in my head. hey, maybe i don’t suck at this after all.

(and then the bag guy called me ma’am. immediate deflation. i don’t want to talk about it.)

relatively happy with my publix outing, i am loading my groceries into my car and the 16 year old (maybe?) cart collector guy in his brown publix apron comes to fetch it RIGHT when i was about to need to do something with it.

i was high on the serendipity of that when i said “perfect timing!” and he said, obviously trying to work his game, “it’s what i planned when i got up this morning.”

hi, my name is drbolte and i play well to the 16-22 demographic.

*crickets*

super.

but the moral of the story is…the flirt switch still works. and grocery stores make for good stories.

i’ll be here all week. tip your waitresses.

Posted in books are bliss, hilarity, teaching on April 15, 2008 by drbolte

on dracula:

student: can vampires bleed out?

me: no. i don’t think so.

student: well, you know, i was just wondering if somebody stabbed him in the arm, if he would bleed out.

me: if you ate a lot of soup, and i stabbed you in the arm, would you soup out?

oh. my. GOSH.

Posted in hilarity, i am your american idol, i love my life, you have to be a chick to understand on April 4, 2008 by drbolte

i don’t even understand.

but i’m SO freakishly excited.

LOOK!

EDITED TO ADD: uhm…jonathan knight is still single.  to this i have to say…welcome back, delusions of celebrity crushdom.  welcome back.

double-edged stalk.

Posted in drama drama drama, ghetto life, hilarity, mirror mirror on the wall, roommates, the joys of living in Florida on March 19, 2008 by drbolte

we were walking up to the apartment from the parking lot, chatting as we do (mainly saying “why? why do we have to climb more stairs?”) at the end of our night, a route that takes us past our downstairs neighbors’ bathroom window.

i noticed, out of the corner of my eye, that the light was on and that the window was partially cracked, but didn’t think a thing of it since it’s a lovely spring-like night in florida.

that is until my roommate called my attention–in a kind of hushed horror–to the GUY THAT WAS CROUCHED AND PEERING AT US FROM THAT CRACK.

her hushed tones got progressively louder and more indignant as we passed, containing the words creepy and police and restraining order in quick succession. i’ll admit. it was so weird. he was hunched down to look at us through the inch-wide margin, his fingers grasped around the sill.

weird, yes. definitely. creepy. possibly, yeah, although it’s very clear that this guy isn’t going to do anything. we’ve lived here for more than six months, as have they, and the closest we’ve ever gotten to any contact are these creepy stalker-like staring encounters.

but, really, it’s more sad than anything. i think…wow. am i really more entertaining than univision or a nice spanish language dance track or a corona? i’m not being stereotypical here–we know that’s what they enjoy, since they enjoy them at loud volumes on saturday mornings and frequently outdoors.

but really? me walking upstairs is the highlight of your night?that’s just sad. and pathetically flattering.

i definitely need a life. and perhaps some pepper spray.

“not really sure, i’m just bored”

Posted in blogging, etcetera, hilarity, i'm so much cooler online on December 28, 2007 by drbolte

well, folks, i think i’m coming up in the world.

to find me, apparently you need only be bored and willing to tell google about it, and google will, being the miraculous timewaster and mindreader that it is, send you to me.

thanks for that.

following the tradition of many cooler bloggers before me, i will now address some of the more engaging search engine terms that have brought confused people to my little corner of the blogosphere.

sexy sports fans

yes, well, i like the sports. especially if those sports are college and if they feature one Tim Tebow. as for the sexy…yeah, i’ll give you that one too. sure. i can see the logic of this one.

google gets one point.

spackle walmart

they sell it! it’s one of the few amazing discoveries i made during this summer’s move and i blogged about it too. while i actually loathe walmart with a passion–i try to avoid it if at all possible–there are few other places where you can buy a plunger, some fabric, dog food, and a nice looking skirt at the same time.

if you can avoid the persistent feeling of claustrophobia while doing it, good for you. i never can.

not really sure, im just bored

well…i hope you were entertained?

how bored do you REALLY have to be to type this into a search engine? i mean…wasn’t there ANYTHING else you could do? or, honestly, wasn’t there any other thing you could search for?

but considering the vast amount of time i waste online, i’m not throwing stones. trust me.

Doctor Do Not Disturb Sign

i just don’t really want to know why a doctor would need a do not disturb sign. i just don’t. but dangit, now i’m wondering…

but good luck finding one. you definitely won’t find it here.

horrible terrible mean

uhm, ouch?  really?

and, by far, my favorite…

most psychotic thing you can think of

just out of curiosity, i googled this phrase myself. do you know what comes up?

NOT MY BLOG.

i skimmed through seven pages of “your psychotic break” and tips for taming a nutso dog, but not one thing that referred someone to my blog.

nevertheless, i find great joy that someone found me through that.

because we all have to aspire to something, right?

rumor has it

Posted in etcetera, friends, hilarity, me, The Single Life, you have to be a chick to understand on August 20, 2007 by drbolte

Gville Mormon single world has exploded.

Well, that’s a little bit overdramatic, but darn it if I don’t feel overdramatic, so there you go. Hyperbole all around.

I found out yesterday afternoon that two people that I didn’t even know were dating are engaged.

Let’s just take a moment.

Yeah. ENGAGED.

Now, if you want to keep your relationship private, more power to you.  But don’t, then, be surprised when there is a flipping uproar when you decide, after two months of secret dating (well, I didn’t know…no one I knew really knew…so that’s no one in my world), to get married.

I am very, very happy for both of them, who I both like very much. And I figure, if after two months, you know you’re ready to do it, more power to you. I’m all about being decisive in matters of the heart. It’s quite admirable.  Better than the people who date for like YEARS and don’t progress at all.  That’s just demoralizing.

I would imagine.

But, also, there’s apparently a rumor going around about ME that I found out about yesterday. It’s not at all damaging–it’s about me dating a guy in my ward that I’ve never even been out on a date with nor spent any one-on-one time with, which is part of the hilarity part for me–and actually might improve my reputation if people actually believe it (which I’m not really sure they will).  But one person says he heard it from another person, who said he heard it from the first person, which all in all makes me very, very suspicious of both of them. 

I feel multiple ways about this rumor. Let me try to take you through the thoughts:

  • “I am flattered.”  You’re probably like “but WHAA?!?”  Hear me out.  When I first moved to Gville (oh so very long ago…) nobody knew my name. I mean, I didn’t expect them to, for I had just moved there. But six months later, people still didn’t know my name because I didn’t do anything or socialize or anything.  It was not my ward.  Then I started, slowly but surely, and after a year and a half, people started knowing who I was. Then I really threw myself into socializing and after my second summer, I knew people and people knew me.  It was good. But now, to have a pretty positive rumor going around about me?  Doesn’t that mean that I’ve…arrived?
  • “This is a joke…because it couldn’t possibly be true.” For some reason, possibly because I share a name with a Stephen King character that doesn’t take kindly to jokes, I wonder if this isn’t some elaborate hoax.  You know, someone thought “nobody will believe that…how could they possibly believe that HE would date HER?!?”  And, like, maybe I’m the only one who’s even falling for it.  But that’s so unkind and it doesn’t strike me as the kind of vicious thing someone would do on purpose.  Especially not the person who brought it up first.  I don’t think I’ve ticked anyone off that much. 
  • “More likely scenarios: mistaken identity and/or subtle, stealthy pursuit of information.”  New girl just moved into our ward who has much in common with this guy. I can’t remember her name for the life of me, but I’m wondering if it’s not something like Kara or something that sounds like my name.  That would make sense to me…or, perhaps, this is all just some elaborate ruse to a) find out if I’m interested in this person or b) find out if I’m dating anyone at all.  Of course, considering the fact that it was brought up by a guy, I hesitate to believe that’s true–although he is the one who values my ability to gather information from the best of sources.  He calls me his CIA.  And he’s got supersecret stealth clearance too. 

For all of this, I just want to be like “Are you serious?!? Why do you CARE?”

Because, really, if you knew me at all, wouldn’t you know that if I was dating someone, I would likely be shouting it from the rooftops?  Sheesh.

So, when I get back to Gville, I have webs to untangle.  Gotta track the source. With panache.  Because a certain part of me is thinking, just play it totally cool.  But playing it cool would involve an Oscar-worthy performance from me, because I am so utterly uncool. 

I should seriously get paid for this crap. 

overheard

Posted in etcetera, hilarity, holy smartness batman, you have to be a chick to understand on August 15, 2007 by drbolte

“I would eat a bird dipped in sugar if you gave it to me.”

Sadly, someone overheard ME say this. 

Sigh.

I’m occasionally called eloquent, I promise. 

(And, although disgusting, this is probably true of me tonight.)