Archive for the i am not a gym rat Category

word of the freakin’ day.

Posted in bff, dissertation, domestic goddess, faith is action, going quietly mad, i am not a gym rat, me, sigh, someday I'll be a real middle class girl on January 29, 2009 by drbolte

thwart:

–verb, used with an object.

1. to oppose successfully; prevent from accomplishing a purpose.

2. to frustrate or baffle (a plan, a purpose, etc.).

in one particular area of my life, smooth sailing is the order of the day. i feel led, guided, protected, and shielded from opposition or most anything bad.  it’s beautiful and wonderful and amazing and mind-bogglingly awesome (in the truest sense of the word awesome rather than the bill and ted’s version of awesome).

i had been wondering where the opposition would come because, if you don’t know, there is opposition in all things.

and i’m not saying there hasn’t been some degree of opposition in this area, but comparatively speaking, it’s been so…not.

and i’m not chasing trouble. please don’t get me wrong. no trouble please. i like how things are and i have no fear that they will change, really.

but i’d been sort of looking around wondering when the opposition was going to come.

and then, walking in the steady drizzling rain to work, contemplating how i was going to accomplish everything that i have to accomplish today, feeling like i was the biggest failure in the world because no matter what i try to do i can’t manage to do it, i realized.

THERE IT IS.

in every other area of my life, i feel thwarted.

it’s such a good word.

stymied. stopped. frustrated.

the weight loss? at a complete standstill. part of that is lack of good sleep. part of that is that i’ve been cooking for two lately and, until about two days ago, didn’t really realize that i could incorporate really healthy stuff and it would go over fine.  also…how do guys eat so much and not gain any weight at all?  my gosh.  it’s insane, really.  so i mean i guess i have a plan there, but…that’s been a unique challenge.

exercise? i’m lucky if i manage to do anything, or so it feels. today is a perfect example. i wanted to go run stadiums today. that was my plan. that’s my plan for every thursday evening.  i did it last week and it was AMAZING. i loved it. today? raining. and i have 500000 things to do before i leave for a weekend wedding tomorrow at 0 dark o’clock.  so i’m thinking, how am i going to get a really good calorie burn? and i get so frustrated that i could cry because i just have done so not great at this lately. i miss it.  but i don’t know how to do it all and when it feels this hard to even do 24 minutes of shred, i’m just not brave enough sometimes to do it.  but i get scared that if i don’t, i’ll backslide.  and i can’t backslide. i’ve worked way way too hard.

dissertation? i got one thing done in the last two weeks when my goal was to finish an entire draft of a chapter.  and that one thing? took me like four hours total. and on that day when i was dedicated to doing it? interrupted continuously.  i interrupted myself to forage for food for us and that ended up taking like WAY longer than i thought it would (my own fault, but still…). just as i was getting back to working, my roommate needed me to go home and get something for her. as in drive home and get it and bring it to her on campus. she’d do the same for me at any moment, so i did it, but her request came just at the time when i wouldn’t be able to return to my studying place so i had to pack up all of my stuff and then restart somewhere else.  that’s a perfect example.

i just feel like, in most of my life, i am walking uphill in mud against a bracing wind. it’s exhausting.  i am desperately trying. i sometimes think i’m not, but would i be this frustrated if i wasn’t? i don’t know how to do it better–i genuinely don’t, not without giving up things i don’t want to give up–and i actually don’t know if i’m managing to do anything at all. i don’t know if i’m actually progressing, perhaps imperceptibly, or if i’m standing still.

describing all of this actually makes the complete ease of the other area of my life even more incredible by comparison, actually.  he is the shelter to these bracing winds.

maybe that’s the point.

i need a plan.

cxxx: dilemma in denim.

Posted in c, etcetera, ghetto life, i am not a gym rat, mirror mirror on the wall, shopping, sigh, someday I'll be a real middle class girl, will work for food, you have to be a chick to understand on January 27, 2009 by drbolte

the shred has been effective.

i use a form of the past tense because i think i am shredded out.  this week i haven’t done it once. i am not inclined to do it because a) i’ve done it most every day for a month b) i’m tired of it c) i’ll never master it (or so it feels) and d) i miss my sixty/seventy/eighty minute crazy cardio wackiness and gym psychotic sprees.  i may resurrect it twice or three times a week as a strength training supplement, but i think i may have toxed out on jillian michaels.

but it’s been effective. i’ve lost something like two inches from my hips and an inch from my waist and thighs.  in less than a month.

all of which makes my jeans even bigger than they were.

“yeah, yeah, yeah. big problem. stop your whining.”  i can hear you all now, and i understand. i really should shut up.

but i’m too busy TRYING TO KEEP MY PANTS ON MY BODY.

so…here’s my dilemma.

do i go invest the money in jeans that actually fit, since let’s be real–jeans are THE staple of my wardrobe–from the store where i got my jeans that the bff has told me he likes better than all of the rest because they actually fit (uhm…which inclines me to actually go buy 14 pairs of them if he likes them, but that’s neither here nor there) which will cost me $50 a pair at least (money that i could spend in a MULTITUDE of different ways…)?

or maybe see if jeans at real girl stores will seriously fit (like buckle…or somewhere else…) which will be more expensive but possibly last longer/look better/make me feel like i can conquer the WORLD?

or keep waiting until i get smaller?

i’m growing frustrated.

i’m also only about thirty pounds from my goal.  which is amazing and makes the dilemma even more obnoxious.  because i wonder if those thirty pounds will be two sizes (as is pretty standard–15 lbs = one size) or like four since apparently i’m losing inches INFINITELY faster than i am losing pounds.

expensive.  nice, but expensive.

so what should i do?  what would YOU do?

i don’t think it’s the lint trap.

Posted in bff, c, dissertation, drama drama drama, faith is action, i am not a gym rat, i promise you that you won't care, me, sigh on January 15, 2009 by drbolte

have you ever noticed that when a dryer is slowing down, losing functionality, or when something is wrong with it, the first thing it stops drying is the heavy stuff?  jeans, fluffy towels, heavy sweatshirts? it’s like it’s breaking down but still has the capacity to exert effort…just not enough effort to really get the job done.

i feel like that dryer.

i don’t know if it’s a combination of an impressively erratic sleep schedule (i have no idea, on any given night, if i will go to sleep at 1 a.m. or 5 a.m.), eating worse than i have in a whole host of weeks (i think i ate a vegetable on sunday.  fruit on tuesday.  that’s as much as i’ve got for you…other than that, it’s been a carbfest), not exercising as much or as long as i want to/should, and feeling stressed in good and not-so-good ways about lots of things.

(yes, you can be stressed in good ways. shut up.)

i slept amazingly well last night.  i slept for more hours than i have in a while.  and yet now, not yet four hours after i woke up, i am 100% exhausted.  i really just want to go to sleep.

i know i have to fix this problem. i know i have to balance.  i know that i need to find a way to integrate everything into my life in a successful way.

but when my brain is this fuzzy, how do i do that? i think it’s already making me a little crazy and paranoid.  how am i supposed to be a complex problem solver too?

and how am i supposed to run the stadium tonight when i feel like this?

i don’t know how to do any of it.

and that sucks.

phase this.

Posted in all i want for christmas is..., i am not a gym rat, mirror mirror on the wall on December 12, 2008 by drbolte

do you know phase 10? the game?

well, wait. let me back up.

i heard about this workout and, given my recent inclination to not move at all because i either don’t want to get out of my house or i don’t have time to get to the gym because i spend that time doing other things like freaking out about mock interviews or sleeping because i haven’t slept at all in ever, it sounded like an awesome idea.

except that i couldn’t find a regular deck of playing cards.

but i stumbled upon our apartment’s deck of phase 10 cards, and decided that since there were four colors, it would work. so i decided that blue would be squats, red would be jumping jacks, green would be pushups (although i did wall pushups because i am a big wimp and have no upper body strength), and yellow would be crunches.

my goal was to go through the entire deck.

do you know how many cards are in a phase 10 deck?

108 cards.

ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHT CARDS.

that go up to 12.

and guess what color kept coming up?

BLUE.

about halfway through the two-thirds of the deck that i actually go through, my glutes and quads were screaming.  and i thought, goodness. i might feel this a little bit tomorrow.

i didn’t really keep count of how many squats i actually did, but it took me thirty minutes to do my workout, and i didn’t really stop at all.  it was all jumping jacks (which are WAY fun, btw!), crunches, pushups, squats, squats, squats, jumping jacks, pushups, repeat repeat repeat.

so i thought i’d be a little sore.

that was tuesday.

it’s now friday.

i am only now beginning to walk normally, rather than like someone recovering from abdominal surgery or who has injured herself in some heinous manner.  i only now can face stairs without wanting to sob and can only now feel my muscles beginning to loosen up.

granted, i haven’t gone to the gym since and i wasn’t drinking enough water by a long shot (both of which help muscle soreness), but…seriously.

this is the sorest i’ve been, like, EVER.

i LOVE it.

during my christmas break, i plan to do this thing at least twice a week. it’s fun, easy (ha!), and i can do it anywhere.  and i can face it a lot easier than walking or running in the biting cold of north carolina christmas.

which i’ll also be doing.

because if i keep eating oreo cookie balls dipped in chocolate, heaven knows i’m going to have to do SOMETHING.

an open letter to my muscle groups.

Posted in c25k, faith is action, forward my mail, i am not a gym rat, i promise you that you won't care, me, mirror mirror on the wall on November 11, 2008 by drbolte

dear major muscle groups including the brain,

i just want to apologize in advance to you.

you sort of know, from today’s 3.25 mile jaunt in the morning and punishing crossramp interval session not twelve hours later, what’s coming. yeah, it’s going to be one of those weeks.

pure exhaustion. seeing how hard we can work. i have kicked it into high gear physically, and am aiming to kick it into high gear mentally tomorrow too.

i know.

i am sorry, but my will trumps your whining.  advil masks that pretty well.

just so you know, this should last approximately two weeks. then, if you need to, we can collapse a bit.  but for the next two weeks, please bear with me. give it all you’ve got.  let’s see how awesome we can be together.

my will and your strength.

it could be amazing.

love,

the determined one.

reasons to love today.

Posted in all i want for christmas is..., c25k, etcetera, i am not a gym rat, i promise you that you won't care, shopping, will work for food on November 10, 2008 by drbolte

i bought new makeup and a new haircolor in a box (nothing drastic…just a little more golden) and got to hang out with one of my fashion icons and fun favorite people while doing it.

i found a little item going on my christmas list. and another.

i tried on the HOTTEST pair of frivolous shoes that i have no use for whatsoever but that still looked AMAZING on. (how is it that shoes can make your butt look better?)

i ran for three minutes straight, twice.  not counting the two 1.5 minute sets that came inbetween. that’s the longest i’ve gone and i was totally surprised that it wasn’t as horrible as i thought it would be.  i’m excited to see what i can do next week.

mondays are usually suckage. today, i win at life.

cxv: so i put on my devil may care attitude and humiliated myself on the blogosphere.

Posted in c, faith is action, i am not a gym rat, me, the glass is half FULL, you should really worship me on November 8, 2008 by drbolte

i don’t know if it’s the late night, the fact that the entire lower half of my body is screaming at me from the crossramp intervals i did tonight at the gym, my lingering high over the fact that i almost fit into jeans at buckle even though that’s like where real girls shop, or the fact that i am shamelessly in need of some validation for my efforts, but here we go.

remember how i told you i had before and after pictures? but that i wasn’t sure if i wanted to share?

i’ma doin’ it.

(mainly because i’m studying about courage and this takes some and i’m all about embracing those opportunities right now.  see earlier comment about going to buckle.)

august 2004

august 2004.

(please remember: worst picture ever taken of me ever ever ever. i had just moved my entire house in in the blistering florida heat. but…yeah.)

november 2006.

november 2006.

(that’s the best friend, btw.  last time i saw him.)

october 2008. i'm in the middle.

october 2008.

i’m in the middle. you know, in case you didn’t know.

october 2008.

october 2008.

and me on the left.  you know.  in case you didn’t know…again.

so there you go, adoring internets.  it’s hard for me to see the difference, especially between the 2006 photo and the 2008 ones.  but i hear tell that there’s quite the difference.  whatever.  i find the weirdest thing about this whole thing how my brain can’t catch up.

someday it will.  that’ll be a good day, i think.

maybe it’ll be the day that i buy $80 victory jeans at buckle.

we’ll see.

w2d1c25k.

Posted in c25k, i am not a gym rat, i promise you that you won't care, sigh on October 13, 2008 by drbolte

horrid.

i stopped. remember how i said i didn’t stop? i willed my body to keep going?

yeah. i lied. at least seven seconds worth, i lied.  which will probably hang over my head like the proverbial sword of damocles until i redeem myself by someone working myself into a frenzied froth so that i can act like i actually don’t completely and totally suck at running.

because i do.

this is week two.  so i went from running one minute and walking ninety seconds to running ninety seconds and walking two minutes. i quite loved the walking two minutes–you never know how lovely and long that is until you really need it–but the running ninety seconds nearly killed me. i was supposed to do it six times. i was all “oh. i’ll do it seven times. i can do that!”

no.  i did it six.  and then had to sit down.

sigh.

i keep trying to tell myself that this is okay. i am meant to suck at it. but i guess i had anticipated it being at least a little bit better. i mean, this is WEEK TWO. aren’t you supposed to, like, get better at it?

sigh.

SIGH.

one of these days, easy would be awesome.

motown can’t hold me.

Posted in blogging, c25k, faith is action, forward my mail, i am not a gym rat, Life, the glass is half FULL on October 12, 2008 by drbolte

so, i go to detroit this week.  for a conference.  the first SERIOUSLY professional conference i’ve ever been to.  i’m pretty much, at this point, trying not to think too much about the fact that i’m getting on a plane in four days and think more about the little details that need to be handled before i get there.

like, say, writing the paper that i’m supposed to be presenting.

it’s the little things, you know.

i am happy to report, however, that i have finally cut my hair.  it’s pretty cute, and it’s getting rave reviews wherever i go. i also painted my toenails and went to kohl’s.

instead of, say, writing the paper that i’m supposed to be presenting.

i have lots to do this week: couch to 5k week two, conference paper, the perpetual brown flat hunt (i think rack room shoes might be my salvation! i looked online! such cute stuff!), and figuring out what to wear.  yes, the vast majority of what concerns me this week is entirely vanity.

super!

lots of things coming up, in the not-so-distant future.  i can’t really articulate them all yet.  i’m sure i will. maybe.

in the meantime, i’m moving forward.  in fact, i think that’s my reaction to most things now. i could sit and stew or i could do something. i choose, control freak that i am, to do something.

monday in ten words.

Posted in dissertation, faith is action, i am not a gym rat, me on October 6, 2008 by drbolte

starving.

exhausted.

stymied.

“what have i gotten myself into?”

maybe excited.