Archive for the i am not a gym rat Category

if you’re reading the signs, the arrows point to AWESOME.

Posted in bff, books are bliss, disney princesses got nothin' on me, etcetera, faith is action, forward my mail, i am not a gym rat, i love my life, me, superheckyes, teaching on March 6, 2009 by drbolte

so, not like i’m around here that much anyways (sorry! sort of! i really do want to write more! i promise!), but i’ll be off during spring break.  going to orlando tonight, then to miami for a wedding with the bff’s family, then to north carolina for some snow excursions (possibly tubing, possibly just enjoying the mountains…we’ll see…we’ll only be there for a day, so there’s not much time for me to try to learn to snowboard and not suck at it) and meeting my family and doing some other fun things, then back to florida for a bff family gettogether at their hunting/fishing property up north. i may or may not get the chance to drive/ride on a four-wheeler this weekend.  that’s exciting.

ANYWAYS.

i have been praying steadily for lots of confidence, peace, and assurance lately.  i need to not be nervous this weekend–i need to just be myself.  that’s hard when you feel like a fat blob, which is how i’ve been feeling lately, and like a giant failure.  so this week, i’ve been working at being confident.  let me tell you what’s happened thus far.

  • on wednesday, i went looking for shoes for the wedding outfit (i think i originally thought about getting some dressy flipflops because of my toe but BEHOLD i can wear certain shoes! hooray!) and i found these. you can’t tell me those aren’t awesome.  and the best part? they actually DON’T HURT.  and they’re sassy, tall, but don’t make me taller than the bff.  YES.
  • i went to old navy on that same day to take advantage of the $19 jean sale.  i went in there thinking that i would be buying one size, but then they were way too big.  i tried on the next size down and originally thought that they were too small.  but then i sat down…and they didn’t ride down (which on me is the surest sign that something is WAY too small…doesn’t contain my butt) and then i looked at my butt in the mirror. and sweet heck if it didn’t look GOOD.  heaven bless some snug-fitting jeans.  i think maybe it’s been so long since pants have actually fit well on me that i’m not sure what it looks like anymore.  oh, and i found a cami for $5 that i’d been looking for/needing and a pink shirt that’s ADORABLE and looks amazing with the jeans.  on the clearance rack.
  • i finished the draft of the dorothy wordsworth chapter. it’s short, but it’s done and i’m glad.  when i sent it to the director? sweet woman that she is congratulated me on finishing before spring break and didn’t once mention that i had set an original deadline of A MONTH AND A HALF AGO.  i love that woman.
  • remember the job in Jax? the commute four days a week for a decent amount of money?  guess who just got offered a job to teach a British novel course during summer b HERE in g’ville?  yep. that’s right.  i get to teach it.  and i don’t have to commute.  and i will probably get paid more.  and, given the crazy that will be going on this summer, it is the hugest blessing ever.
  • i kicked the gym’s trash this morning. got up at 7:30.  got there.  crossramped. ran for about 8 minutes on my foot.  could probably have gone longer but i had tons to do this morning to get ready to go.  burned 600 calories.  got outside and got a parking ticket but didn’t even care very much because today? i needed to feel like i could conquer the world.

i think it’s going to be an amazing week.

Advertisements

reunited…and it feels like pain.

Posted in i am not a gym rat on March 4, 2009 by drbolte

remember how i told you that me and jillian were breaking up for a while? that the shred had lost its luster, that i was tired of seeing her face every day and hearing her tell me that if i wanted results, they weren’t coming for free?

yeah.

we’re back together.

here’s why. i want to boot camp my butt for the next five months. i want to reach my goal by august…or be DARN close.  i have thirty pounds to lose. any suggestions?

so…jillian’s back on heavy rotation. today, for example, even though i know that i’m going to want to die after level 2, i will be attempting level 1 as well.

the toe is managing quite well. although, i sort of wonder. sometimes the bruising seems completely gone. and then other times…bam. it’s back.  is it the lighting? or is it possible that when i am aggressive on my foot, it actually does rebruise?  i don’t know.

that’s neither here nor there. because despite the fact that i can’t really wear shoes other than flip flops and my sneakers (double socked foot, taped toe, broken-in sneakers), i am attempting to shred like a fiend and work out even more.  i did level 2 yesterday (without the jumping jacks. i just can’t make myself do them yet. i loathe them SO much) and woke up this morning feeling muscles that i didn’t know i still had.

welcome back, jillian. welcome back.

Posted in bff, dissertation, domestic goddess, etcetera, faith is action, family, i am not a gym rat, i love my life, i promise you that you won't care, me, perfect brightness of hope, sigh, teaching, the glass is half FULL on February 24, 2009 by drbolte

my coworker has been working with a client for AN HOUR AND FIFTEEN MINUTES.

appointments are 30 minutes long.

excuse me while my head implodes and i shake my fist at the heavens. this is why students think we can read dissertations in one appointment.  but will i say anything?  probably not.

because i am the queen of nonconfrontational.

all hail the queen.

ANYWAYS…

.

.

.

.

yeah, i just pushed the screen up so no one would see what i wrote over my shoulder.  hahahahahanonconfrontational.

i have something to say about confidence.

i needs some.

not that i don’t have it. i do. but i have these random moments where, like eels or something else that’s equally slimy and impossible to hold on to (treasures at the end of the book of mormon maybe? hahahahahamormonjoke), it slips through my fingers and i spend far too much time scrambling to grasp it once more.

now before you’re all “listen. i’m tired of hearing about how you can’t do stuff…it’s BORING and you CAN so stop it,” this confidence of which i speak isn’t really the confidence to start something–it’s the confidence to believe that the decisions i make every day in balancing my life and the people around me are actually good, actually right, without regard to what anybody else thinks.

basically, i’m trying to abandon the guilt.

oh the guilt. you know it. the mighty weight of what you perceive to be other people’s expectations.  the albatross of wanting to make everybody happy.

let’s kill that albatross, shall we?

i think that sometimes and then i realize…but wait. these are the people that i actually WANT to make happy.  i want them to be happy. i want people to know that they are special to me, important and loved, but i also want to be able to choose how i do that rather than feeling like i need to conform to what i’ve done before.

does that make ANY sense at all?

i’m not sure that it does, but i realized over the past few weeks that unless i make decisions consciously and deliberately and then STICK BY THEM, knowing that i am doing all that i can and i am not neglecting anybody purposefully but am simply trying to do what i need to do, what i think is most important right now in my life, then i will be forever bowed down by the weight of the not-good-enoughs.

because, let’s be real.

nobody can do everything.

anybody who says that they can is selling you a bill of goods for a product you’ll never receive.

people can do lots of things well.  some days, they may even get everything on the to-do list done.  but nobody can do everything perfectly. nobody can split themselves in one hundred different pieces and feel whole at the end of the day.

i just don’t believe it.

so i’m choosing which days i’ll split myself into what pieces and for whom.  and those decisions will change based on need and situation and circumstance, with a few staying always.  and i will incorporate all of the things that are important to me.  let me tell you what the number one thing has to be.  the number one piece of my life has got to be Heavenly Father.

i realized last week in all the running around and being crazy that i wasn’t praying like i needed to. i wasn’t studying the scriptures like i should be and often do. i wasn’t making that a priority, at all times and in all things and in all places.

falling down on the job of being a disciple, i was.

no more.  so the first piece of me, like the first tenth of my money, goes to Him.  i feel good about that.  i know that, just like with my money, if i do that there will always be pieces enough to go around.

the next piece is me and the bff. accomplishing all of the things that we want to do.  putting time in for me–exercising, even on a broken toe.  eating right.  doing fun things. spending time together.  it’s important. it’s probably one of the most important things i can figure out how to do every day. i feel like i’m pretty great at the bff part. it’s the balancing me in there that needs some tweaking.

the next piece is school.  i will dedicate time to it.  i will finish this thing.  even if it kills me. and it really might. and when that is done, it will be a job. possibly several jobs.  work.  work. work.

there are a lot of other pieces–family, church, visiting teaching, friends, work, cleaning the house (why? WHY?), etc.–but they’re all just pieces. i guess my point is, as much talking to myself as to anybody else, is that the wholeness as i have defined it thus far perhaps is irrational. nobody can do everything every day.  nobody can get everything done perfectly every day.  and nothing good comes from stewing in the fact that yesterday i did a big bunch of nothing on my dissertation. instead, i did a big bunch of something on other aspects of my life.

so maybe i’ll just listen to the good doctor.

(no, the other one.)

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself in any direction you choose.
You’re on your own.
And you know what you know.
You are the guy who’ll decide where to go.

and maybe i’ll just realize that when i decide where to go, there’s merit to that. and i have the smarts and sass to choose over and over and over again.  and do it well.

and if i’m choosing the things that really matter, that’s what really matters.

word of the freakin’ day.

Posted in bff, dissertation, domestic goddess, faith is action, going quietly mad, i am not a gym rat, me, sigh, someday I'll be a real middle class girl on January 29, 2009 by drbolte

thwart:

–verb, used with an object.

1. to oppose successfully; prevent from accomplishing a purpose.

2. to frustrate or baffle (a plan, a purpose, etc.).

in one particular area of my life, smooth sailing is the order of the day. i feel led, guided, protected, and shielded from opposition or most anything bad.  it’s beautiful and wonderful and amazing and mind-bogglingly awesome (in the truest sense of the word awesome rather than the bill and ted’s version of awesome).

i had been wondering where the opposition would come because, if you don’t know, there is opposition in all things.

and i’m not saying there hasn’t been some degree of opposition in this area, but comparatively speaking, it’s been so…not.

and i’m not chasing trouble. please don’t get me wrong. no trouble please. i like how things are and i have no fear that they will change, really.

but i’d been sort of looking around wondering when the opposition was going to come.

and then, walking in the steady drizzling rain to work, contemplating how i was going to accomplish everything that i have to accomplish today, feeling like i was the biggest failure in the world because no matter what i try to do i can’t manage to do it, i realized.

THERE IT IS.

in every other area of my life, i feel thwarted.

it’s such a good word.

stymied. stopped. frustrated.

the weight loss? at a complete standstill. part of that is lack of good sleep. part of that is that i’ve been cooking for two lately and, until about two days ago, didn’t really realize that i could incorporate really healthy stuff and it would go over fine.  also…how do guys eat so much and not gain any weight at all?  my gosh.  it’s insane, really.  so i mean i guess i have a plan there, but…that’s been a unique challenge.

exercise? i’m lucky if i manage to do anything, or so it feels. today is a perfect example. i wanted to go run stadiums today. that was my plan. that’s my plan for every thursday evening.  i did it last week and it was AMAZING. i loved it. today? raining. and i have 500000 things to do before i leave for a weekend wedding tomorrow at 0 dark o’clock.  so i’m thinking, how am i going to get a really good calorie burn? and i get so frustrated that i could cry because i just have done so not great at this lately. i miss it.  but i don’t know how to do it all and when it feels this hard to even do 24 minutes of shred, i’m just not brave enough sometimes to do it.  but i get scared that if i don’t, i’ll backslide.  and i can’t backslide. i’ve worked way way too hard.

dissertation? i got one thing done in the last two weeks when my goal was to finish an entire draft of a chapter.  and that one thing? took me like four hours total. and on that day when i was dedicated to doing it? interrupted continuously.  i interrupted myself to forage for food for us and that ended up taking like WAY longer than i thought it would (my own fault, but still…). just as i was getting back to working, my roommate needed me to go home and get something for her. as in drive home and get it and bring it to her on campus. she’d do the same for me at any moment, so i did it, but her request came just at the time when i wouldn’t be able to return to my studying place so i had to pack up all of my stuff and then restart somewhere else.  that’s a perfect example.

i just feel like, in most of my life, i am walking uphill in mud against a bracing wind. it’s exhausting.  i am desperately trying. i sometimes think i’m not, but would i be this frustrated if i wasn’t? i don’t know how to do it better–i genuinely don’t, not without giving up things i don’t want to give up–and i actually don’t know if i’m managing to do anything at all. i don’t know if i’m actually progressing, perhaps imperceptibly, or if i’m standing still.

describing all of this actually makes the complete ease of the other area of my life even more incredible by comparison, actually.  he is the shelter to these bracing winds.

maybe that’s the point.

i need a plan.

cxxx: dilemma in denim.

Posted in c, etcetera, ghetto life, i am not a gym rat, mirror mirror on the wall, shopping, sigh, someday I'll be a real middle class girl, will work for food, you have to be a chick to understand on January 27, 2009 by drbolte

the shred has been effective.

i use a form of the past tense because i think i am shredded out.  this week i haven’t done it once. i am not inclined to do it because a) i’ve done it most every day for a month b) i’m tired of it c) i’ll never master it (or so it feels) and d) i miss my sixty/seventy/eighty minute crazy cardio wackiness and gym psychotic sprees.  i may resurrect it twice or three times a week as a strength training supplement, but i think i may have toxed out on jillian michaels.

but it’s been effective. i’ve lost something like two inches from my hips and an inch from my waist and thighs.  in less than a month.

all of which makes my jeans even bigger than they were.

“yeah, yeah, yeah. big problem. stop your whining.”  i can hear you all now, and i understand. i really should shut up.

but i’m too busy TRYING TO KEEP MY PANTS ON MY BODY.

so…here’s my dilemma.

do i go invest the money in jeans that actually fit, since let’s be real–jeans are THE staple of my wardrobe–from the store where i got my jeans that the bff has told me he likes better than all of the rest because they actually fit (uhm…which inclines me to actually go buy 14 pairs of them if he likes them, but that’s neither here nor there) which will cost me $50 a pair at least (money that i could spend in a MULTITUDE of different ways…)?

or maybe see if jeans at real girl stores will seriously fit (like buckle…or somewhere else…) which will be more expensive but possibly last longer/look better/make me feel like i can conquer the WORLD?

or keep waiting until i get smaller?

i’m growing frustrated.

i’m also only about thirty pounds from my goal.  which is amazing and makes the dilemma even more obnoxious.  because i wonder if those thirty pounds will be two sizes (as is pretty standard–15 lbs = one size) or like four since apparently i’m losing inches INFINITELY faster than i am losing pounds.

expensive.  nice, but expensive.

so what should i do?  what would YOU do?

i don’t think it’s the lint trap.

Posted in bff, c, dissertation, drama drama drama, faith is action, i am not a gym rat, i promise you that you won't care, me, sigh on January 15, 2009 by drbolte

have you ever noticed that when a dryer is slowing down, losing functionality, or when something is wrong with it, the first thing it stops drying is the heavy stuff?  jeans, fluffy towels, heavy sweatshirts? it’s like it’s breaking down but still has the capacity to exert effort…just not enough effort to really get the job done.

i feel like that dryer.

i don’t know if it’s a combination of an impressively erratic sleep schedule (i have no idea, on any given night, if i will go to sleep at 1 a.m. or 5 a.m.), eating worse than i have in a whole host of weeks (i think i ate a vegetable on sunday.  fruit on tuesday.  that’s as much as i’ve got for you…other than that, it’s been a carbfest), not exercising as much or as long as i want to/should, and feeling stressed in good and not-so-good ways about lots of things.

(yes, you can be stressed in good ways. shut up.)

i slept amazingly well last night.  i slept for more hours than i have in a while.  and yet now, not yet four hours after i woke up, i am 100% exhausted.  i really just want to go to sleep.

i know i have to fix this problem. i know i have to balance.  i know that i need to find a way to integrate everything into my life in a successful way.

but when my brain is this fuzzy, how do i do that? i think it’s already making me a little crazy and paranoid.  how am i supposed to be a complex problem solver too?

and how am i supposed to run the stadium tonight when i feel like this?

i don’t know how to do any of it.

and that sucks.

phase this.

Posted in all i want for christmas is..., i am not a gym rat, mirror mirror on the wall on December 12, 2008 by drbolte

do you know phase 10? the game?

well, wait. let me back up.

i heard about this workout and, given my recent inclination to not move at all because i either don’t want to get out of my house or i don’t have time to get to the gym because i spend that time doing other things like freaking out about mock interviews or sleeping because i haven’t slept at all in ever, it sounded like an awesome idea.

except that i couldn’t find a regular deck of playing cards.

but i stumbled upon our apartment’s deck of phase 10 cards, and decided that since there were four colors, it would work. so i decided that blue would be squats, red would be jumping jacks, green would be pushups (although i did wall pushups because i am a big wimp and have no upper body strength), and yellow would be crunches.

my goal was to go through the entire deck.

do you know how many cards are in a phase 10 deck?

108 cards.

ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHT CARDS.

that go up to 12.

and guess what color kept coming up?

BLUE.

about halfway through the two-thirds of the deck that i actually go through, my glutes and quads were screaming.  and i thought, goodness. i might feel this a little bit tomorrow.

i didn’t really keep count of how many squats i actually did, but it took me thirty minutes to do my workout, and i didn’t really stop at all.  it was all jumping jacks (which are WAY fun, btw!), crunches, pushups, squats, squats, squats, jumping jacks, pushups, repeat repeat repeat.

so i thought i’d be a little sore.

that was tuesday.

it’s now friday.

i am only now beginning to walk normally, rather than like someone recovering from abdominal surgery or who has injured herself in some heinous manner.  i only now can face stairs without wanting to sob and can only now feel my muscles beginning to loosen up.

granted, i haven’t gone to the gym since and i wasn’t drinking enough water by a long shot (both of which help muscle soreness), but…seriously.

this is the sorest i’ve been, like, EVER.

i LOVE it.

during my christmas break, i plan to do this thing at least twice a week. it’s fun, easy (ha!), and i can do it anywhere.  and i can face it a lot easier than walking or running in the biting cold of north carolina christmas.

which i’ll also be doing.

because if i keep eating oreo cookie balls dipped in chocolate, heaven knows i’m going to have to do SOMETHING.