Archive for the i love my life Category

love wraps you up.

Posted in bff, etcetera, i love my life, love thursdays, me on February 26, 2009 by drbolte

do you read mir? i read her every day. i love her for lots of reasons, not the least of which is her love thursday series.  i love love thursdays. because it’s about thursday when a big dose of everyday love is what you need.

i’m going to follow in her footsteps.  we’ll see how it goes.

the 4th wednesday of every month i go to orlando to work in the temple. i normally love it, but it leaves me mentally and physically exhausted.  i wake up very early, drive for three hours total (drop in the bucket, really, to any road trip i normally take, but it’s still somethin’…), work for about five hours, and come home.

those wednesdays are normally crazy to say the least.

yesterday, i texted the bff to tell him i was on my way, and he asked if i’d eaten. no, i said, i was going to wait until i got home. we made lunch plans, and rather than me needing to go to the store and get the stuff (no food in my house, really, other than honey bunches of oats and sugar free-fat free chocolate pudding), he said he’d bring it.

i was thrilled.  the last thing i wanted to do at that moment was go to the grocery store.  couldn’t really deal with the idea of it.

he knew.

i got home shortly before he planned to arrive, and started doing dishes. i knew that i had some piled up, but i had been busy and hating dishes a little, so i procrastinated.  i was frustrated by the whole process, perhaps irrationally. they were my dishes. nobody else was going to wash my pans. i get it.  but i had bowls and cups that could have been loaded when the dishwasher was unloaded.  i felt myself thinking frustrated thoughts, thoughts that fit beautifully with the insanely difficult to wash barbecue chicken pan.  scrubbing away, i kept stewing.

by the time he got there, i’d realized that it was silly.  but i was still a little bit hurt that it wouldn’t occur to anyone to help me out when i help them out in very similar ways a lot.  such is life and it’s not a big deal.

but he could tell and hugged me tight.

he knew.

late last night, we started to watch a movie. i wanted to see it–i really did.  but i was exhausted and all i really wanted to do was sleep, completely safe in his arms.  at first, he asked me if i was paying attention.  and then he just let me sleep, watching the movie essentially alone.  the fact that i could fall asleep–seriously asleep–on the couch with him means something big to me.

he knew.

when the crazy comes calling and the world seems too scary for the weary me to face, love wraps me tight.

happy love thursday, everyone.

Posted in bff, dissertation, domestic goddess, etcetera, faith is action, family, i am not a gym rat, i love my life, i promise you that you won't care, me, perfect brightness of hope, sigh, teaching, the glass is half FULL on February 24, 2009 by drbolte

my coworker has been working with a client for AN HOUR AND FIFTEEN MINUTES.

appointments are 30 minutes long.

excuse me while my head implodes and i shake my fist at the heavens. this is why students think we can read dissertations in one appointment.  but will i say anything?  probably not.

because i am the queen of nonconfrontational.

all hail the queen.

ANYWAYS…

.

.

.

.

yeah, i just pushed the screen up so no one would see what i wrote over my shoulder.  hahahahahanonconfrontational.

i have something to say about confidence.

i needs some.

not that i don’t have it. i do. but i have these random moments where, like eels or something else that’s equally slimy and impossible to hold on to (treasures at the end of the book of mormon maybe? hahahahahamormonjoke), it slips through my fingers and i spend far too much time scrambling to grasp it once more.

now before you’re all “listen. i’m tired of hearing about how you can’t do stuff…it’s BORING and you CAN so stop it,” this confidence of which i speak isn’t really the confidence to start something–it’s the confidence to believe that the decisions i make every day in balancing my life and the people around me are actually good, actually right, without regard to what anybody else thinks.

basically, i’m trying to abandon the guilt.

oh the guilt. you know it. the mighty weight of what you perceive to be other people’s expectations.  the albatross of wanting to make everybody happy.

let’s kill that albatross, shall we?

i think that sometimes and then i realize…but wait. these are the people that i actually WANT to make happy.  i want them to be happy. i want people to know that they are special to me, important and loved, but i also want to be able to choose how i do that rather than feeling like i need to conform to what i’ve done before.

does that make ANY sense at all?

i’m not sure that it does, but i realized over the past few weeks that unless i make decisions consciously and deliberately and then STICK BY THEM, knowing that i am doing all that i can and i am not neglecting anybody purposefully but am simply trying to do what i need to do, what i think is most important right now in my life, then i will be forever bowed down by the weight of the not-good-enoughs.

because, let’s be real.

nobody can do everything.

anybody who says that they can is selling you a bill of goods for a product you’ll never receive.

people can do lots of things well.  some days, they may even get everything on the to-do list done.  but nobody can do everything perfectly. nobody can split themselves in one hundred different pieces and feel whole at the end of the day.

i just don’t believe it.

so i’m choosing which days i’ll split myself into what pieces and for whom.  and those decisions will change based on need and situation and circumstance, with a few staying always.  and i will incorporate all of the things that are important to me.  let me tell you what the number one thing has to be.  the number one piece of my life has got to be Heavenly Father.

i realized last week in all the running around and being crazy that i wasn’t praying like i needed to. i wasn’t studying the scriptures like i should be and often do. i wasn’t making that a priority, at all times and in all things and in all places.

falling down on the job of being a disciple, i was.

no more.  so the first piece of me, like the first tenth of my money, goes to Him.  i feel good about that.  i know that, just like with my money, if i do that there will always be pieces enough to go around.

the next piece is me and the bff. accomplishing all of the things that we want to do.  putting time in for me–exercising, even on a broken toe.  eating right.  doing fun things. spending time together.  it’s important. it’s probably one of the most important things i can figure out how to do every day. i feel like i’m pretty great at the bff part. it’s the balancing me in there that needs some tweaking.

the next piece is school.  i will dedicate time to it.  i will finish this thing.  even if it kills me. and it really might. and when that is done, it will be a job. possibly several jobs.  work.  work. work.

there are a lot of other pieces–family, church, visiting teaching, friends, work, cleaning the house (why? WHY?), etc.–but they’re all just pieces. i guess my point is, as much talking to myself as to anybody else, is that the wholeness as i have defined it thus far perhaps is irrational. nobody can do everything every day.  nobody can get everything done perfectly every day.  and nothing good comes from stewing in the fact that yesterday i did a big bunch of nothing on my dissertation. instead, i did a big bunch of something on other aspects of my life.

so maybe i’ll just listen to the good doctor.

(no, the other one.)

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself in any direction you choose.
You’re on your own.
And you know what you know.
You are the guy who’ll decide where to go.

and maybe i’ll just realize that when i decide where to go, there’s merit to that. and i have the smarts and sass to choose over and over and over again.  and do it well.

and if i’m choosing the things that really matter, that’s what really matters.

just to climb a thousand walls.

Posted in bff, i love my life on February 19, 2009 by drbolte

…it seems in keeping with my last post…and i just wanted to post it.

so there.

tandem.

Posted in bff, dissertation, domestic goddess, etcetera, faith is action, family, i love my life, my amazing mother on February 19, 2009 by drbolte

i am exhausted. no idea why. mom’s in town (YAY!), which means my mattress is on the floor, but it’s still my mattress so i really have no earthly idea why i wouldn’t be sleeping well.

and yet i toss and turn and often find myself checking the clock at 4 a.m., thinking that it’s time to wake up and face the day.

when i told mom this, she asked me what i was worried about.

i have no idea.

what have i to be worried about?

it’s nothing in my life. i mean, the perpetual sword of damocles called my dissertation looms ever larger over my head, but i am about ready to tackle that in a big way. i am ready to be finished with it–at least the first draft of all of the chapters–so that i can move on.

i have other things that i would like to do, you know.

when i imagine life post-dissertation, i can’t.

let me say that again.

i can’t imagine my life post-dissertation. to not have it looming over everything that i do–to NOT have a perpetual source of angst and guilt cloud every book i choose to read and every weekend i choose to do nothing (or, let’s be real…every week) remotely related to academia–i just don’t know what that will be like.

knowing me, i’ll quickly replace it with something else. such is life. but i think when i finish i will feel a sense of accomplishment that i have never felt before. and perhaps a bit of a mourning period that school, for me, really is over. i’ll never be a student again. that’s weird. it’s how i’ve defined myself for so long.

i guess i’ll have to get to work redefining myself, eh?

but that’s neither here nor there. my point in writing, other than the fact that i haven’t written in ages and was feeling the bloggery guilt (good grief…what’s with that?), was to take you through my wandering thoughts about stress by proxy.

because boy am i stressed.

and it has nothing to do with me.

(well, that’s not entirely true, but i’ll get to that.)

the bff has had a week, let me tell you what. it really began last week with a government exam on friday. the weekend was good but packed with activity, between valentine’s day (amazing) and church and mom coming into town (they like each other! they really want to impress the other! yay!). religion exam on wednesday, for which he was studying monday and tuesday. rehearsals, as has been the case for what seems like THE ENTIRE MONTH OF FEBRUARY, for his concert coming up t0morrow and saturday (i can’t even express how frickin’ happy i will be when that is over…). an english paper due tomorrow. work meeting tonight. three work appointments. his mom coming into town for the concert (and to see her kid, of course) on friday. the whole my-mom-meets-his-mom thing at the concert. a duet with me in church on sunday. an english exam on monday.

and that doesn’t even cover trying to spend time with me.

i mean, seriously, just writing it all down turns my stomach into knots. i have no idea how he’s been doing it, but he’s been remarkably unstressed. he says it doesn’t help. (of course he’s right.) i don’t think he’s not thinking about it or blowing it off at all–just taking one thing at a time and doing the best he can do.

(you can see how such an example would be incredibly beneficial for someone like me.)

but i feel stressed.

stressed like my week is that busy.

stressed like i have two exams a paper four hundred rehearsals eight million work things to do.

i think that’s what happens when you’re a we, but i’ve never been a we like this before. we have this weird rhythm now. it made itself especially manifest to me when we were washing dishes, as strange as that might seem.  i didn’t even have to say anything to him. he knew exactly where i was going and what i was doing. while i washed the pans, he cleaned the counters. when we needed to be in each other’s areas (he needed something under the sink, i needed to grab something from the stove), we didn’t even speak.  we just knew, and moved aside gracefully and effortlessly to allow the other one access. it was the strangest, coolest, most impressive testament to how well we know each other and how much we have grown to become two parts of one whole.

so now, amid all of this hectic chaos and the disruption of our normal routine, i feel like i am joyfully filling in the gaps for him, trying to make things easier and better. today, he needed to leave for school and hadn’t eaten. so i made him lunch. i knew an hour before that i would need to do that and that he wouldn’t eat if i didn’t. so i did it.  i’ll make him dinner tonight because he won’t have eaten for one hundred hours and i’ll read his paper and i’ll be glad to stay up until two to do it.  and i’ll restrain myself from just doing it for him (hello…so difficult sometimes because when he’s this busy it seems like it would be easy to just really step in to ‘make things easier’) because i know that this is all part of his learning process.

and the weirdest part is that i love doing it.  i’m tired and stressed for him, but i love that i can help.  i love that i know what to do without him telling me. i love that the meager things that i do, even as helpless as i still feel, actually DOES help.

i love that we are two but that we work as one.

refuge.

Posted in bff, drama drama drama, grrrrr., i love my life, i love youtube--so sue me, superheckyes, the glass is half FULL on January 12, 2009 by drbolte

today was amazing and not-so-amazing at the same time.

i got sucked into the vortex of drama at my right hand and at my left, some of which was directed at the BFF about me.  i expected opposition, i suppose, because there is an age difference.  but i guess i also expected that those opinions would be expressed and then people would leave it alone.

not the case.

ANYWAYS.

i was upset by two rather saddening situations today, both of which had the potential to tear me down.  i act sometimes like i don’t care a lot about what other people think or do, which is true absolutely sometimes, but in some situations it really bothers me.  i was bothered today, i think mainly just because things kept coming at me and i didn’t know what to do about it.

what i didn’t really expect was how having the BFF right there, knowing exactly what to do and when to do it to make me feel like all was right with the world regardless of any metaphorical exploding taking place in that moment, made everything okay immediately.

i’d been thinking about this song lately anyways, but i realized that today it was absolutely exactly how i felt.

and i think it says it best.

cxxix: candids and ctr rings.

Posted in c, faith is action, i love my life, mirror mirror on the wall, superheckyes, you have to be a chick to understand on January 11, 2009 by drbolte

thursday night, at my bcs championship party, one of my girls was taking pictures. i was sitting on the floor, the BFF to my left, my girl to his left.  she took a picture across the room, and all you could see of me was my arm sticking out behind him.  i saw the picture after she took it and i said, surprised, “you can’t even SEE me!”  the BFF looked at me and said “i win.”  i sort of chuckled and said “i think I win.”  understanding sort of flashed in his eyes and he said “in a big contest, i would win.”

the BFF has made it emphatically clear that my ctr ring, which i wear on my right ring finger, is TOO BIG.

this was not news to me, but when he was able to pull it off without any resistance at all in one quick and fluid motion, he made the statement.  i didn’t argue with him.  i told him that it used to fit (and it did). he told me that i needed what he called the standard size 7 instead of what has apparently now become an uber-large 8. then, when i told him that my other ring finger was even smaller, leading him to guess that i’d wear a 6.5 on that hand, he said “you’re little.”  then he said it again, looking straight at me.  “you’re LITTLE.”

about a month ago, these things would have led me to deny them.  i would have been like “nah…not true.”

but pictures don’t lie and neither do pieces of metal.

and neither does the BFF.  biased as he may be, he tells the truth.  and for whatever reason, i’m starting to be able to see it.  and it’s REALLY cool.

shred update: seriously, it works. trying on clothes since i’ve gotten back home from christmas, things are fitting differently.  the jeans i bought on new year’s eve are nearly too big.  i’m still pretty much on level 1, but it’s still kicking my trash a little and i’m sort of excited to see what happens when i add in more cardio than i have been doing this week.  and if i ever master a pushup, a side lunge, or an oblique crunch, i will count myself a winner.

murphy’s law.

Posted in drama drama drama, hilarity, i love my life, Life, me, teaching on January 8, 2009 by drbolte

why is it that when you are happily dating someone, flirting guys seem to come out of the woodwork?  what is that?  i am certain that it works in the reverse as well (i’m pretty sure i saw that in action last night, which might have brought out the teeniest bit of crazy for like two minutes, but it was more like what the heck crazy than anything else since i’m still trying to figure out how to do all of this, the boy is RIDICULOUSLY ADORABLE, and not everybody knows yet.  but it was totally fine.).

but anyways.

i swear.  it’s happening. i am pretty sure the guy i worked with this afternoon at the reading and writing center thought i was adorable and was trying to flirt with me a little bit. or impress me? or something.  and the whole time i’m like WHAT THE FLIP.  i mean, he was kind of cute, but really.  i don’t care!  leave me alone!

(i might not be so good at knowing how to deal with extra attention right now, as i am a little bit of a flirt.)

and let me tell you what an interesting combination of thought processes that is…one side of your brain is dissecting a paper and the other side is dissecting human behavior.  behold the amazing drbolte and her wonderbrain.

or maybe i’m just delusional? maybe he was just being friendly?

or is that i am just exuding awesome waves of happy that make me ultraadorable or something?

i don’t know, but it’s weird.  and annoying.  because heaven knows when you’re supersingle they’re not lining up at your door to watch you exude much of anything really.

pfft. i don’t get it.

i just don’t get it.

but if these are the problems i have this week, i’ll take them. i really, really will.

jigsaw.

Posted in all i want for christmas is..., disney princesses got nothin' on me, etcetera, faith is action, i love my life, i promise you that you won't care, Life, magic, mirror mirror on the wall, superheckyes, wish i may wish i might, you have to be a chick to understand on January 7, 2009 by drbolte

i was talking to a friend the other day that i haven’t seen in AGES, and we were trying to catch up as best we could via gchat, which is harder than it may seem. she said that i seemed really happy. today, someone said that i looked like the i was sitting on top of the world.

i am happier than i have been in a long time.

but before you all go rolling your eyes and thinking that you know the reason, it’s far more complicated than that.

going home for the holidays was really good for me in lots of ways.  of course, it was WONDERFUL to see the family that i hadn’t seen in half a year. that’s the longest i’d gone before.  but before i headed home, i think i felt stuck in who i once was.  that sounds odd.  let me back up a bit.  i have talked here about how my mind couldn’t quite catch up to what my body had done. i think that was really true in many ways…like i couldn’t quite embrace who i now was.  all of the changing that i had done–the physical, i think, just serving as a symbol–hadn’t really cemented to me.

the trip home did something funny.  it was like something clicked.

or, if you will, the pieces started falling into place in the right order and at the right time.

i was talking to the BFF (do i need a new name for him? suggestions?) about this and used that metaphor for things that he was excited about, and at the moment that i did, i realized that in so many ways it was true of me as well.

when i looked in the mirror while i was at home, i saw the person that everybody kept telling me i was.

when i was faced with challenging situations, i was the person i hoped that i would be.  or in the moments that i wasn’t, i recognized it and transcended it before i made a situation worse.  in short, i abdicated my throne as the queen of passive aggressiva and just said what i wanted to say.

when i needed to be patient, i was patient–with myself and with others. when i needed faith, it was there.

so i am happy…so much happier than i have been in a long time, but much of that is the direct result of a lot of hard work that i’ve been doing on myself.  and i have to believe that the new amazing things in my life are similarly a result of who i am now…as well as who i always have been.

the pieces, which were all there before but were all wonky and out of sorts, are now all fitting together really, really well. if this makes any sense, i feel more like myself than i have in a long time.  like maybe the pieces that needed to come together were only for me–so that i could realize who i am.

weird.  odd. awesome.

in other news, partially brought on my chickbug’s recent post about the top ten reasons it sucks to have a blog, i’m wondering how much of the good stuff going on in my life you actually want to hear. i definitely don’t want to be that girl who’s like OH HAI GUESS WHAT JUST HAPPENED TO ME DON’T YOU WISH YOU WERE ME I’M SO LUUUUCCCCKKKY? because that girl is that one you want to stifle in whatever manner is available to you or stick gum in her hair or throw things at her or…well you get the picture.  but i also don’t want to be writing about boring crap and doing memes all the time because i am avoiding the things in my life that are crazy good.

so…what’s your philosophy, y’all?  you’re the readers.  and yes, this is my space and, yes, i will ultimately do what i want with it, but…i like you guys. i’d like to keep you around and keep you commenting, if at all possible.  so…share with the good doctor.

i’m listening.

Protected: …

Posted in all i want for christmas is..., faith is action, i love my life, magic, perfect brightness of hope, superheckyes, the glass is half FULL, The Single Life, you have to be a chick to understand on December 25, 2008 by drbolte

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little lessons learned.

Posted in friends, i love my life, Life, magic, me, superheckyes, will work for food on December 2, 2008 by drbolte

i have lost my appetite.  i have no idea where it went, but if it gets held up in customs on its way back to me, i don’t think i’ll mind too terribly much, especially given that the monday after thanksgiving i weighed 3+ pounds less than i did the day before it.  this is not healthy nor is it normal, but it’s awfully freaking ego-boosting.

i have the best roommates in the world.  they worry about me and it’s nice to know someone’s paying attention. that’s family right there.

one of my favorite things is getting lostish while trying to find something.  i call them adventures. i’m beginning to think that everything is better when you consider it an adventure.

it’s still REALLY cool to climb to the top of the jungle gym. it’s probably even cooler when you never did it when you were a kid because you were a giant wimp.

i’m funny.  like even when i don’t try.  probably more, actually, when i don’t try.

sand in your shoes (or in your HAIR or all over your pants) = not so much very fun.  except when it is.

i can’t really listen to optimus prime wax philosophical about freedom in transformers without laughing a little. the later it gets, though, the more the odds are that i will take it COMPLETELY SERIOUSLY and think it’s an awesome metaphor for our time.  you know, even though it’s just a big hunk of CGI metal setting up a sequel.

yes, adorable boys who come into the writing center–you may flirt with me AND get grammatical advice. thanks for doing so today and for seeming excited to see me later in the week for another appointment.  ah, heck. thanks for noticing that i’m a cute girl and not just a disembodied brain.  because i AM.  cute, that is.

sometimes, scriptural discussions end up referring to awesome songs, and then life explodes in awesomeness. thus, i present the youtube clip of the day, the song to which we referred and really a quite deep philosophical statement for our times.

or really, it’s just cool:

job update: not working at mississippi state either.

sigh.