Archive for the i promise you that you won’t care Category

i’ll admit it. it’s beginning to get to me.

Posted in bff, bridal diaries, dissertation, drama drama drama, etcetera, i love my life, i promise you that you won't care, Life, me, mirror mirror on the wall, sigh, the engaged life, the glass is half FULL, wish i may wish i might on June 3, 2009 by drbolte

last night, while i was sitting in institute, i realized that i have about zero weekends between now and the wedding that are not already planned/carved out/offer no opportunities for relaxation or beach trips.

this weekend: friend of bff’s visits, i meet for the first time despite having an email/facebook/texting relationship. i will be cleaning. also, one of my roommates is moving out for reals (i.e. she’s been gone for a while, but her furniture’s still there, so…she’s really leaving this weekend.  so…there’s that.

next weekend: otown for bridal gown bolero shopping/measurements/planning. take dress to be altered. father’s day.

weekend after that: in NC (finally! i haven’t been home since march and not since i was officially engaged) with mom, doing all sorts of wedding stuff that will hopefully alleviate some stress but is likely to be jampacked with wedding stuff, including meeting with my NC bridesmaids to talk dresses and jewelry and squee a little and my bridesmaid/photographer to talk shot lists and to get her what she needs.

weekend after that: my first shower in otown, filled with people i don’t really know yet very well. note: this is the weekend before i begin teaching my summer class(es).

weekend after that: 4th of July. i’m guessing we’ll be up north frolicking on the boat with the bff’s family. sounds like restfulness, but it’s still somewhere to be on my best behavior. depending on the teaching schedule, i may or may not bow out of this. however, i get friday off…so maybe it won’t be so bad.

weekend after that: my NC shower. i fly out on friday night, attend the shower on saturday late morning (which i’m REALLY excited about), fly out on sunday afternoon.

weekend after that: my gville shower on friday night (aka girls night…). saturday i have free, but will likely collapse. or, don’t forget, that i’ll be teaching, so i’ll probably be grading grading grading grading.

weekend after that: the weekend before i move, aka the packing weekend. i very much doubt i’ll get much done before that.

weekend after that: we move all of our stuff into our new apartment. as of right now, me and my stuff will be homeless for about 2 1/2 days.  i’m hoping to use my considerable powers of persuasion to convince the apartment complex to let me stay. we’ll see how that flies. but i will take up residence in our new place that day, and the bff will stay at his place until we’re married.

weekend after that: WEDDING!

this sounds like complaining, doesn’t it.  i’m not complaining.  i’m just…absolutely overwhelmed by the magnitude of it all.  my attitude used to be to chuckle and say WHOOO! when i talked about how crazy things were going to be.  but i’m tired already, and i think it’s simply the weight of everything that stands between now and august 8th.

i have classes to plan for that i haven’t even started, really, other than constructing a syllabus. i have an online gig that i have to finish. i have to find out if i’ll be teaching another upper-division class in the fall and, if so, i’ve got to plan that deal because i sincerely doubt that they’re going to let me not have a syllabus to them as it gets to be a month or so before classes begin. i have a room to pack and, what’s more, i have TONS of crap to wade through and get rid of.

(luckily, mom is doing a yard sale in NC when i’m there the first time, so i’ll be hauling copious amounts of stuff up there to see if i can sell it. if not, it will go to goodwill there and i will be done with it. but when will i have time to gather all of that stuff together?)

and let’s not even talk about the dissertation, which i haven’t touched in a month. at all.

this all sounds like complaining still.  like everyone doesn’t have a busy life.

i know.

i’m venting.

it’s my blog. it’s where i do such things.

but…how? how do i do it all? the bff, oh how i love him, says i can do anything and, thus, i can do everything.  i adore him for thinking that, but i want to know HOW.  how can i do it all?  how can i get everything done?

it seems impossible.  truly.

and how do i keep my wits about me when all the world is losing theirs?

oh, let’s face it…when i’m losing mine?

suggestions? is this normal? am i a bridezilla?

i think i have lost all perspective.

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i have given myself eleven minutes to blog.

Posted in bff, bridal diaries, faith is action, going quietly mad, i love my life, i promise you that you won't care, me, the engaged life, will work for food on May 14, 2009 by drbolte

lucky you all, eh?

what’s new with drbolte? well, i’m tired. i’m working now again, so that’s good.  the job prospects haven’t dramatically changed, but i’ve had a few nibbles, so that’s a good thing. i’m still actively seeking and in the process am selling my skills in ways that i haven’t done in a while. i’m trying right now to decide whether to hold out hope for a full-time public school job or jump on the multiple part time opportunities that are funnelling themselves my way.  i really, really want benefits that i don’t have to pay for, but i feel like right now it might be wise to jump on what is available rather than waiting around.

waiting around hasn’t proven fruitful of late.

but i don’t like to settle or to demonstrate a lack of faith, so i guess i’ll keep thinking and praying about this and pursue everything equally right now. i’m not in the position to have to make any decisions right now, so that’s good.  but if i get enough part time stuff, i might just call the job search a day.

it’s exhausting and stressful and as long as we have sufficient for our needs, i’m good to go.

in wedding news, i’m trying to finalize my look in my mind. i thought i had it down–i’m speaking specifically of hair here–but upon running it by my mom, who brought up some sad realities about my very fine and thinnish hair, i am sort of back to square one.

which saddens me.

i want thick, long hair and to look like a supermodel.

IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?!?

but i found some hair things on etsy, which is where i had been recommended to look, and i think it will all work out. maybe i’ll end up doing a whole host of things. i found one set of three hair pins that are gorgeous, but i’m not sure if they’re enough. maybe i’ll ask if she can make me some smaller versions of the hair pins special order.

and if you can’t tell, i’m just spewing information at you. i hope you don’t mind. and if you do…well, i really don’t know what to say about that.

i ordered engagement pictures today. we found a feature on walmart.com that makes collages for you. we made a bunch of different ones, since they’re completely random and you have no control over the positioning of the pictures (argh…let me tell you), and then chose our favorite. i had been keeping some of the pictures that we were thinking of originally using as a single print a secret from facebook so that no one would see them before they got their announcement/invitation. but now we ended up using seven pictures, so heaps of them were already on facebook.

sigh.

oh well.

those 200 pictures? only cost me 32. i am a budget wedding balla. or so say all.

i’m now on the hunt for another joann’s 50% off coupon so that i can get my other box of invitations and get these bad boys done. how is it halfway through may already? i have two weeks to get these done without missing my timeline.

you know what would help with that?

if addresses weren’t so fetching hard to get.  when they tell you start ahead of time collecting addresses?

THAT’S COMPLETELY TRUE.

(lindzml…i’m looking at you. start now. and actually, if you are going to send invitations to some and announcements to others, start even earlier, because the list will balloon out…it’s nuts.)

i wish people would just respond. but, to be fair, most people have been fantastic. it’s been awesome. i got TONS on the first day i started asking. and as they now trickle in, i just pop them into my word documents with my codes for who is getting what and it’s good.

i have a feeling that the lingering few that i don’t have are going to BUG me.

oh well.

in other news, i think i may have found some shoes that are dance-friendly (LOTS of dancing happening at my reception…oh how i wish i could talk about it…) and look comfortable and are white. i thought about doing the whole colored shoe thing, but i think it would look weird. and i’m too matchy matchy to pull that off really.

but they’re like 40 dollars. if they’re dyeable, so that i can turn them into something that i can wear later to work or something, then i will do it. if not…i might keep looking.

oh shoes.

i found a florist, though, for a RIDICULOUSLY cheap price. my bouquet? about 75. and it’s exactly what i want. bff’s completely matching bout? 10. groomsmen? 8.

i love my life sometimes. it was meant to be. the first two florists wouldn’t even talk to me because it was mother’s day weekend.

(i get it. busiest time ever. but one of them? wasn’t even doing anything. and i can’t help it that i don’t live there and i don’t want to drive back down to orlando for no purpose other than to look at flowers. that’s a duplication of effort that is unnecessary.)

i brought in pictures and i feel fairly certain that my flowers will be GORGEOUS. i am not worried. they won’t look exactly like my pictures, but they will be beautiful and bright and i won’t have to do it myself. and they’ll order the flowers for the bridesmaids’ bouquets for us so that we can do them ourselves.

fantastic.

so that, combined with training for a possible new online teaching job, has been what’s going on. you are sufficiently updated, i feel, although i don’t know that i have properly expanded on any of these things but have instead given you a stream-of-consciousness deluge.

but it’s now been 14 minutes.

oh well. dangit. back to some kind of work.

hey wait. didn’t we pass that tree about a mile back?

Posted in bff, blogging, bridal diaries, c, i am not a gym rat, i promise you that you won't care, me, mirror mirror on the wall, the engaged life, the glass is half FULL on April 24, 2009 by drbolte

if you’ve been around for a while (and so many of you have! thank you! you’re wonderful!), you know that it was about this time last year when the blog went all fitness-y.

meaning, it’s about this time when i joined MyFoodDiary (the best thing ever, btw, if you’re looking for a way to keep track of your calories…) and started exercising like i meant it.  and as a result, i started posting ALL! SORTS! OF! EPIPHANIES! about endorphins and muscles i never knew existed and all sorts of things that really probably was of no interest to anyone else but me.

why do i bring this up now?

because…i feel it coming on again.

because the only thing i’ve felt inclined to post over the past few days were updates on what my body has been doing, since mainly my mind has been occupied with two things: getting off my butt and taking care of the sick bff.

today’s update? before my new nikes reared their ugly “you haven’t broken me in so you REALLY should have double socked” heads, i ran the winding ramp at the stadium, sprinted up a shorter straight ramp, ran a lap around the stadium, did one endzone stairs running, and did a bit of walking as well. i’d never really experienced that lung burning thing that everyone talks about.  i know what it feels like now.

see? kind of the same deal as last spring, except OHMYGOSHI’MRUNNING.  if it weren’t for my lungs burning, i could have kept going.  my legs didn’t hurt. neither did my knees.  i felt like i had a good solid pace.  and did i mention that i did all of this without my ipod, which i forgot at home?  yeah. i think i win.

so that’s your update.  kind of boring, i know.  seems like my mind is on one-track.

although, i will say that, since everyone asks me how wedding plans are coming every time they see me, that i am completely and eerily aware of the fact that i am currently existing in the calm before a MASSIVE storm. know what’s going on this summer?  well, i have about four or five days to get my chapter revisions (part one) done. then i have about a month to get my last chapter drafted before the chaos descends. in may, during the time when i will be writing said last chapter (not counting the introduction and the conclusion), i will be working two days a week at the RWC and doing a fairly intensive training class for my new (hopefully) job as an online instructor.  may is also invitation month.  we have to get those out pretty soon, and since we’re doing them ourselves, we need to get that going pretty soon.  and then there’s registering and picking up my dress and figuring out the whole alterations thing and you see where i’m going with this.

so maybe having a simplistic one-track mind right now is a blessing.  maybe then i can actually get things done before the world in general explodes.

but maybe the exploding world will result in much more interesting stories.  until then…just hang with me.

ps. i also just saw that bride wars comes out on dvd on tuesday. despite my rather sharply constrained budget, i may buy that movie and watch it every week to remind myself that the thing that is important is LOVE. not cakes. or highlights. or tans. or anything else.

Posted in bff, dissertation, domestic goddess, etcetera, faith is action, family, i am not a gym rat, i love my life, i promise you that you won't care, me, perfect brightness of hope, sigh, teaching, the glass is half FULL on February 24, 2009 by drbolte

my coworker has been working with a client for AN HOUR AND FIFTEEN MINUTES.

appointments are 30 minutes long.

excuse me while my head implodes and i shake my fist at the heavens. this is why students think we can read dissertations in one appointment.  but will i say anything?  probably not.

because i am the queen of nonconfrontational.

all hail the queen.

ANYWAYS…

.

.

.

.

yeah, i just pushed the screen up so no one would see what i wrote over my shoulder.  hahahahahanonconfrontational.

i have something to say about confidence.

i needs some.

not that i don’t have it. i do. but i have these random moments where, like eels or something else that’s equally slimy and impossible to hold on to (treasures at the end of the book of mormon maybe? hahahahahamormonjoke), it slips through my fingers and i spend far too much time scrambling to grasp it once more.

now before you’re all “listen. i’m tired of hearing about how you can’t do stuff…it’s BORING and you CAN so stop it,” this confidence of which i speak isn’t really the confidence to start something–it’s the confidence to believe that the decisions i make every day in balancing my life and the people around me are actually good, actually right, without regard to what anybody else thinks.

basically, i’m trying to abandon the guilt.

oh the guilt. you know it. the mighty weight of what you perceive to be other people’s expectations.  the albatross of wanting to make everybody happy.

let’s kill that albatross, shall we?

i think that sometimes and then i realize…but wait. these are the people that i actually WANT to make happy.  i want them to be happy. i want people to know that they are special to me, important and loved, but i also want to be able to choose how i do that rather than feeling like i need to conform to what i’ve done before.

does that make ANY sense at all?

i’m not sure that it does, but i realized over the past few weeks that unless i make decisions consciously and deliberately and then STICK BY THEM, knowing that i am doing all that i can and i am not neglecting anybody purposefully but am simply trying to do what i need to do, what i think is most important right now in my life, then i will be forever bowed down by the weight of the not-good-enoughs.

because, let’s be real.

nobody can do everything.

anybody who says that they can is selling you a bill of goods for a product you’ll never receive.

people can do lots of things well.  some days, they may even get everything on the to-do list done.  but nobody can do everything perfectly. nobody can split themselves in one hundred different pieces and feel whole at the end of the day.

i just don’t believe it.

so i’m choosing which days i’ll split myself into what pieces and for whom.  and those decisions will change based on need and situation and circumstance, with a few staying always.  and i will incorporate all of the things that are important to me.  let me tell you what the number one thing has to be.  the number one piece of my life has got to be Heavenly Father.

i realized last week in all the running around and being crazy that i wasn’t praying like i needed to. i wasn’t studying the scriptures like i should be and often do. i wasn’t making that a priority, at all times and in all things and in all places.

falling down on the job of being a disciple, i was.

no more.  so the first piece of me, like the first tenth of my money, goes to Him.  i feel good about that.  i know that, just like with my money, if i do that there will always be pieces enough to go around.

the next piece is me and the bff. accomplishing all of the things that we want to do.  putting time in for me–exercising, even on a broken toe.  eating right.  doing fun things. spending time together.  it’s important. it’s probably one of the most important things i can figure out how to do every day. i feel like i’m pretty great at the bff part. it’s the balancing me in there that needs some tweaking.

the next piece is school.  i will dedicate time to it.  i will finish this thing.  even if it kills me. and it really might. and when that is done, it will be a job. possibly several jobs.  work.  work. work.

there are a lot of other pieces–family, church, visiting teaching, friends, work, cleaning the house (why? WHY?), etc.–but they’re all just pieces. i guess my point is, as much talking to myself as to anybody else, is that the wholeness as i have defined it thus far perhaps is irrational. nobody can do everything every day.  nobody can get everything done perfectly every day.  and nothing good comes from stewing in the fact that yesterday i did a big bunch of nothing on my dissertation. instead, i did a big bunch of something on other aspects of my life.

so maybe i’ll just listen to the good doctor.

(no, the other one.)

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself in any direction you choose.
You’re on your own.
And you know what you know.
You are the guy who’ll decide where to go.

and maybe i’ll just realize that when i decide where to go, there’s merit to that. and i have the smarts and sass to choose over and over and over again.  and do it well.

and if i’m choosing the things that really matter, that’s what really matters.

i don’t think it’s the lint trap.

Posted in bff, c, dissertation, drama drama drama, faith is action, i am not a gym rat, i promise you that you won't care, me, sigh on January 15, 2009 by drbolte

have you ever noticed that when a dryer is slowing down, losing functionality, or when something is wrong with it, the first thing it stops drying is the heavy stuff?  jeans, fluffy towels, heavy sweatshirts? it’s like it’s breaking down but still has the capacity to exert effort…just not enough effort to really get the job done.

i feel like that dryer.

i don’t know if it’s a combination of an impressively erratic sleep schedule (i have no idea, on any given night, if i will go to sleep at 1 a.m. or 5 a.m.), eating worse than i have in a whole host of weeks (i think i ate a vegetable on sunday.  fruit on tuesday.  that’s as much as i’ve got for you…other than that, it’s been a carbfest), not exercising as much or as long as i want to/should, and feeling stressed in good and not-so-good ways about lots of things.

(yes, you can be stressed in good ways. shut up.)

i slept amazingly well last night.  i slept for more hours than i have in a while.  and yet now, not yet four hours after i woke up, i am 100% exhausted.  i really just want to go to sleep.

i know i have to fix this problem. i know i have to balance.  i know that i need to find a way to integrate everything into my life in a successful way.

but when my brain is this fuzzy, how do i do that? i think it’s already making me a little crazy and paranoid.  how am i supposed to be a complex problem solver too?

and how am i supposed to run the stadium tonight when i feel like this?

i don’t know how to do any of it.

and that sucks.

jigsaw.

Posted in all i want for christmas is..., disney princesses got nothin' on me, etcetera, faith is action, i love my life, i promise you that you won't care, Life, magic, mirror mirror on the wall, superheckyes, wish i may wish i might, you have to be a chick to understand on January 7, 2009 by drbolte

i was talking to a friend the other day that i haven’t seen in AGES, and we were trying to catch up as best we could via gchat, which is harder than it may seem. she said that i seemed really happy. today, someone said that i looked like the i was sitting on top of the world.

i am happier than i have been in a long time.

but before you all go rolling your eyes and thinking that you know the reason, it’s far more complicated than that.

going home for the holidays was really good for me in lots of ways.  of course, it was WONDERFUL to see the family that i hadn’t seen in half a year. that’s the longest i’d gone before.  but before i headed home, i think i felt stuck in who i once was.  that sounds odd.  let me back up a bit.  i have talked here about how my mind couldn’t quite catch up to what my body had done. i think that was really true in many ways…like i couldn’t quite embrace who i now was.  all of the changing that i had done–the physical, i think, just serving as a symbol–hadn’t really cemented to me.

the trip home did something funny.  it was like something clicked.

or, if you will, the pieces started falling into place in the right order and at the right time.

i was talking to the BFF (do i need a new name for him? suggestions?) about this and used that metaphor for things that he was excited about, and at the moment that i did, i realized that in so many ways it was true of me as well.

when i looked in the mirror while i was at home, i saw the person that everybody kept telling me i was.

when i was faced with challenging situations, i was the person i hoped that i would be.  or in the moments that i wasn’t, i recognized it and transcended it before i made a situation worse.  in short, i abdicated my throne as the queen of passive aggressiva and just said what i wanted to say.

when i needed to be patient, i was patient–with myself and with others. when i needed faith, it was there.

so i am happy…so much happier than i have been in a long time, but much of that is the direct result of a lot of hard work that i’ve been doing on myself.  and i have to believe that the new amazing things in my life are similarly a result of who i am now…as well as who i always have been.

the pieces, which were all there before but were all wonky and out of sorts, are now all fitting together really, really well. if this makes any sense, i feel more like myself than i have in a long time.  like maybe the pieces that needed to come together were only for me–so that i could realize who i am.

weird.  odd. awesome.

in other news, partially brought on my chickbug’s recent post about the top ten reasons it sucks to have a blog, i’m wondering how much of the good stuff going on in my life you actually want to hear. i definitely don’t want to be that girl who’s like OH HAI GUESS WHAT JUST HAPPENED TO ME DON’T YOU WISH YOU WERE ME I’M SO LUUUUCCCCKKKY? because that girl is that one you want to stifle in whatever manner is available to you or stick gum in her hair or throw things at her or…well you get the picture.  but i also don’t want to be writing about boring crap and doing memes all the time because i am avoiding the things in my life that are crazy good.

so…what’s your philosophy, y’all?  you’re the readers.  and yes, this is my space and, yes, i will ultimately do what i want with it, but…i like you guys. i’d like to keep you around and keep you commenting, if at all possible.  so…share with the good doctor.

i’m listening.

california dreamin’: days two and three.

Posted in dissertation, etcetera, forward my mail, holy smartness batman, i promise you that you won't care, me, School, teaching, will work for food on January 2, 2009 by drbolte

day two was panel day.

i dressed up, amazing black pants and the new teal shirt i got from the cousin for christmas. i looked good, i think, but you could tell i wasn’t incredibly invested in the conference because rather than suffering for my art in my kickin’ black heels, i opted for flats.

no one to impress, you see.

the best of the panels came at 830 am…the microblogging session about using twitter and new media (i.e. text messaging, blogging, etc.) in the classroom and what it means for our way of approaching literary studies and teaching. i really, really liked it. it was interactive, fun, engaging, and involved a BOO oklahoma icon from a UT prof.

i wanted to yell GO GATORS! but i didn’t.  be impressed by my professionalism.

that was pretty much the highlight of my day. the rest of them were fairly boring, even though i had great hopes for the travel writing ones.  they were good–don’t get me wrong. the scholarship was solid and the papers were certainly intelligent and thought-provoking. but i think my general sense of detachment abou the whole process made paying attention more difficult.

it could also have been the fact that 8500 people were at the conference.  that might have had something to do with it.

day three dawned much better, though.

SIGHTSEEING DAY!

we began by visiting what was perhaps the best concierge desk in the history of the world. he checked in at southwest for us, printed our boarding passes, gave us a map, and told us how to cheaply and efficiently reach all of our desired destinations.

then, we trekked out to see the painted ladies.

lest you think that was something squirrely, these are the painted ladies:

dscf0953

victorian houses.  GORGEOUS.  it was a wonderful day, as you can tell from the photo–full of sunshine and not very cold at all.  unusual for san francisco, but a blessing for us.

we then went to fisherman’s wharf, where we saw these:

dscf0969

those are the famous sealions that hang out at pier 39.  they were pretty cute.  we ate some fish and chips, wandered in some TACKY tourist shops, and headed off to ghiradelli square. we shopped some, ate some ice cream, and then got back in line to ride the cable cars.  the interminable lines.  or at least it felt like it…

there, we were privileged to be entertained by none other than…escapeman.

yeah.  he was in a straitjacket, chained to a pole. he proceeded to gyrate and seize until he had freed himself (admittedly a nice feat) and then asked us all for money.

it was odd.  it was hilarious. it was bizarroworld personified.

then we walked through chinatown, which was awesome because i bought a t-shirt for $1.88. i didn’t do that in nyc’s chinatown and totally kicked myself for it.  no one can say i don’t learn from my mistakes.

know what i DIDN’T buy in chinatown?

food.

(are you seeing a common theme? me and food…we need to be better pals that plan our interactions more frequently.)

oh well.

it was an awesome day, though. we felt like we managed to see much of the city by the bay for relatively cheap, and i felt like our walk through chinatown and back to our hotel felt like real travel and adventure as opposed to travel provided by an all-day cable car pass.

that may or may not make sense to you, but it does to me.

california didn’t disappoint, but by the end of day three, when i was preparing to get up at 330 to go to the airport for a 645 flight, i was ready to go home.

i hope the next time i go to the mla, i actually have a REASON to go.  you know, like real interviews or presenting a paper. i will say that my foray into giant conference world taught me that i am, in fact, smart enough to present at such an occasion, so next time i won’t be so intimidated.

but i was glad to get home, tired as i was.

and that concludes my travel stories.  boring, probably, but there you go.

you’re welcome.

shred day 9 (?) update: yeah, i tried to do level 2 again today and was pretty lame at it.  i am however (i think?) seeing muscle definition where there really wasn’t any before.  so, yay for that.  in related news, i am able to run a lot easier, except for today when my knees were not having it. i just don’t think that early morning is my time for exercise, as much as i wish it was. or at least not lately and not on a day when it’s maximum 40 degrees outside.

i’ve sort of abandoned the whole 30 times in 30 days thing since i took five days off for SF.  but i’m still committed to every day but sunday, and that’s kicking enough of my trash.