Archive for the me Category

the five things that i don’t like about teaching in summer. and their upsides.

Posted in books are bliss, drama drama drama, me, teaching, the joys of living in Florida, will work for food on June 29, 2009 by drbolte

1. the blinding, pit-soaking heat.

i’m really sorry if that’s too much information, but it’s the honest truth. i have to mop myself up before going to class. and that’s just with a 7 or so minute walk across campus. at 11 a.m.  i love florida summers, she says to herself.

upside: it’s training me (and my sweat glands) for august 8th, when i’ll be all decked out in satin and crinoline and hairspray, taking pictures.  at 11 a.m.

2. the blank stares of students on the first day of classes, when they stare at you as if you have the answers to all of life’s problems. or at least like they’re a tiny bit afraid of what you’ll do to them.

upside: when they laugh for the first time? it’s like a zing of success. i love watching them visibly relax when they realize that i am not in fact satan.

3. how hard it is to fill time in a 75 minute class. you can either plan for 50 minutes or you can plan for 90 minutes. i find it incredibly difficult, especially EVERY SINGLE DAY, to fill 75 minutes. i was rather surprised at how quickly i got through what i had planned for the first day. my syllabus schpeel? took like 4 minutes.  hello speed talker.

upside: i am not a clock watcher, so i go with the flow.  we’ll probably always get out a bit early. they’ll love me for that.

4. needy students with complicated questions. class hadn’t even started when i got an email from a student.  then i had two fairly complex issues to deal with straightaway after class ended.  yeesh.

upside: i am apparently approachable.  that’s not a bad thing.

5. the panic i genuinely feel when i start reading a novel and wonder how on earth i am going to find anything of substance to say. i have read jane austen’s persuasion probably at least six times, conservatively, at this point.  i know the novel backwards and forwards. i still find new and interesting things in it, but i am sometimes awash in panic that i am either going to come up with topics too mundane to suit the needs of a 3000 level literature class or too obscure to suit anyone but a phd teaching one of the novels in her dissertation.

i really do worry about this stuff.

upside: it makes me a better teacher, i suppose. and usually about the time that the panic starts to set in, the ideas start to trickle in. i’ve been scribbling them down on the title page in yellow highlighter the whole time i’ve been reading. i think it’s a hodge-podge of simplistic and profound.  i guess that’s pretty good.

at least i’m not depending on them to guide the class.  although they’re supposed to…

we’ll see how it goes.

i’m rather tired already.

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have you left me?

Posted in bff, family, forward my mail, Life, me, my amazing mother, superheckyes, the engaged life, the glass is half FULL on June 17, 2009 by drbolte

…or are you just melting somewhere in the death hot?

my main goal every single day lately is to stay alive in this heat and to stay hydrated at the same time. it takes effort, i want to tell you.

i’m off to nc tomorrow morning to spend a week with my family. it will be wedding preparationspalooza, with a side of going to the apple store and forcing them to replace my shorted out power cord and some time spent at the gym and blissfully asleep in the seriously air conditioned house, hopefully with a cat or two by my side. i feel like naps are definitely going to be in order.

i’m very excited. i don’t think i’ve been this excited to go anywhere for a while, and that makes me very happy. i can already feel the weight of stress leaving me.

changes of scene are good.

the bff is not so excited to see me leave, for which i feel a bit guilty.  i will miss him, of course, but i am thrilled to be able to go hang out and get taken care of by my mama.

i need it. i’m not ashamed to admit that at all.

the bff will be here, finishing classes and working at a new job and probably playing a lot of ncaa football 2009 and (i hope) doing fun things with his friends too.  i am hoping he will catch up on his sleep as well. and i am really hoping he will eat while i’m gone.

(i feed him a lot.)

come what may, it will be good. when i return, i will return to my first bridal shower and the start of the summer class that i will be teaching up until the wedding and the sprint to the finish.

the finish, of course, being the absolute bliss and blessing of starting our lives together.

i’m not sure if i’ll blog this week. i imagine i might, but i’m not sure. so keep me on your readers and i’ll pop back in when i’m back, when my computer is fixed, and with heaps of updates on lacy, frilly, pearly, gorgeous things i bought and fun times i had.

it will be good.

take care of yourselves and each other in the meantime. and drink some water, will you please? it’s hot out there.

bridal diaries: in which i introduce and illustrate what i call “bride brain.”

Posted in bff, bridal diaries, me, the engaged life on June 15, 2009 by drbolte

this weekend, the bff and i went to otown to get some things done.  basically, it was wedding gown weekend. i was going to meet with his grandma to get measurements taken, to find a pattern and fabric, and to show her my dress so that she could make the bolero that she said that she would be willing to make for me. i also made an appointment at david’s to get my alterations done, since i was told that they wanted two months to do them. we were only planning on being there for a little bit over a day–we left on friday afternoon and would leave to return to gville on saturday night.

we left a bit later than we had intended, and i packed only after i ran home from work.  i felt like we needed to hurry and leave because we were running late, but we got there safely and were intending to make some good use of the pool once we did.

(this may explain my hurry to leave.)

when we got there, the bff’s mom told me that she had found a dress for the bff’s sister, who is one of my bridesmaids, and wanted me to see it. it looks a lot like mine in design, which she was worried would bother me (it doesn’t.), and when the bff’s sister got there, she tried it on. we were all standing in the guest room and the bff’s sister said that she really wanted to see my dress. i began to reply that she could see it sometime and then it hit me. it literally felt like something hit me.

I LEFT MY DRESS IN GVILLE.

all of my worrying about what shorts to wear and whether or not i had flip flops that properly matched mattered very little when i forgot the one thing that was absolutely essential to the success of this weekend.

i was horrified. i was already exhausted, headachy (i feel like i’ve had a headache for about a week straight), and hot.  now i was stupid and forgetful.

i went and grabbed my purse, intending to just go back and get it.  the bff’s parents were horrified at this, worried that i would be too tired and suggesting that i just come down another weekend and get it done.  a light of realization glimmered in their eyes when i told them that there wasn’t another weekend before the wedding that i could do it.  every single weekend was occupied.

i don’t think they really understood before that how busy i actually am.

there were many options tossed around about how to fix the situation: go then and stay in gville overnight and come back in the morning, have the bff and the bff’s dad wake up very early in the morning and go to gville to get my dress, hang out for a little while and then go get it, or go then and get it and turn around and come right back.  though the least popular option among the bff’s family, the last option was really the only one i could deal with.

see, the minute i realized that i had left my dress, a colossal wave of “i can’t believe i did that” and “how stupid can you be?” and “what a huge waste” crashed down on my brain.  the idea of waiting around just made my skin crawl. i had to fix it. and i had to fix it then.

bless him, the bff, when we talked about what to do, totally understood and just grabbed the keys and said “let’s go.” i was surprised–it seemed unnecessary for him to come. it was my mistake. i was very okay with just going and coming back. i wanted him to stay and hang out with his family.  it would have been fine, truly.

but he would have none of it.  so we drove up, grabbed the dress, tore a loop off of our paper chain, and got back in the car.

he is a saint, according to my mom, because he never once, even for a moment, seemed irritated or critical of my MASSIVE mistake.  he just understood.  he probably understands better than anyone how fried my brain is right now.

so luckily we got all of  the stuff done that we needed to do. and my alterations? take two weeks.  NOT two months.  oh well.

as we were pulling into the parking lot of my apartment building on saturday night, the bff turned to me (who was driving) and said “i left my keys in your car, right?”

nope. left them on the keyring in otown.

(luckily, the bff’s sister is coming back today, so his keys will be arriving soon.)

with a roommate out of town and no spares to be found at 11pm, the bff was relegated to camping on our couch and wearing whatever he had in the car.

it happens. apparently, lately, it’s contagious. i thought that was an appropriate way to end the weekend, actually.

oh dear.

facebook bares my soul?

Posted in me on June 12, 2009 by drbolte

i have been told twice on facebook in the last week that i rock.

by people who live far, far away and, while they know me, couldn’t possibly experience the day-to-day of me.

(they might be glad. some days, i would be.)

i find this somewhat strange. and puzzling. or maybe stuzzling.

why would they say i rock? i feel far from rockish. i feel…weakish. and stressish. and somewhat sheepish that i have gotten a whole lot of not a lot done this week.

rockish?

not so much.

but it’s been lovely to hear, completely unsolicited and from lovely people that i like very much.

(please note. this is not an invitation for more comments with similar content. this is merely musing, because i wanted to blog and didn’t know what to talk about and then ta-da…)

bridal diaries: favor quotes.

Posted in bff, bridal diaries, me, the engaged life on June 10, 2009 by drbolte

i was going to write today a whining post about how MUCH I JUST WANT MY BODY TO FREAKING ADJUST to birth control already, and about how i am experiencing just the tiniest bit of what it must be like to have morning sickness and i’m NOT a fan (that’s stupid. is anyone?), and about how when i was 130 pounds heavier, somehow birth control was not this horrible, and about how periods are absolutely NOT easier (yet) because i woke up this morning, after mercifully sleeping well but dreaming about weddings all night, with literally everything except my chest and my feet in some degree of pain, and about how that, on top of whatever else it is that is plaguing my body by making me randomly feverish periodically, made me think that this was just the suckage.

BUT.

things are looking up. i ate an apple and it tasted good. i actually got more cheerful when i got to work with students at work. the time passed more quickly than i thought it would because of the aforementioned students.  my bff is the most amazing guy ever. i read weddingbee and got wedding excited. and my night will probably consist of laying on my futon mattress, sprawled out in the middle of the living room floor, watching reality television. i might possibly eat banana pancakes. or poptarts.

things are looking up.

so here’s your wedding planning update.

favor bags.

i bought some, off of oriental trading, in red and yellow (or maybe i got them in red and white? i can’t remember now…). i will fill them with some kind of candy that has yet tbd, and they will be lovely. they look something like this:

14_302

but i want to personalize them somehow.

basically, i want to schmaltz them up with a quote and something with our names and wedding date. i’ll probably use the same font as i did on our invitations, so that’s not hard.

but choosing the quote…THAT’S hard.

i randomly saw this on someone’s facebook status. it’s from wuthering heights.

“he shall never know how I love him: and that, but because he is more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same.”

it’s a lovely sentiment and very true for us, but i’m not sure i want my wedding tainted with what is perhaps the WORST AND MOST UNHEALTHY relationship ever captured in print.

i have had this quote on my facebook wall for ages, and i used it in the bff’s valentine’s day extravaganza gift.

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.–Lao Tzu.

i love that quote, but it’s not really over the top romantic, is it? just true.

so i went to the google and i googled some stuff.  these are rather lovely.

Two human loves make one divine.–Elizabeth Barret Browning

True love stories never have endings.  ~Richard Bach

Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies.–Aristotle

anyone have any others? i’m not sure i’ve found the right one yet. i haven’t even hit the song lyrics, though…that’s always an option…

unfriend.

Posted in etcetera, facebook is the new crack, faith is action, huh?, Life, me, the internets on June 10, 2009 by drbolte

tired of the masses of people that i haven’t met/talked to/seen/heard from/corresponded with in ages and ages, and for whom i feel no real affection if i am to be truly honest, that populated my facebook friends list, i went on an unfriending spree last night.

but it really started with my  desire to unfriend, once and for all, my ex.

there’s no drama as there was the last time i unfriended him. i have just felt uncomfortable with the idea that, whenever he wants to, he can just pop back into my life via facebook. when that happens, it catches me off-guard and i feel glimmers of the girl i was circa fall 2007.

in case you’re not keeping track at home, i am REALLY not that girl anymore.

i didn’t like it and here’s the straight up truth: we weren’t going to be friends.

since the bff and i started dating, i had pretty much cut off all contact with the ex.  we had been, prior to the bff coming home, exchanging messages weekly. the ex is on a mission too, far far away in the far far east, and i was trying to be supportive and friend-like.  for a while, it was fine. we were friends, i suppose, in the way that we ever really were friends which by comparison with my other friendships remained strikingly shallow.  in parable metaphor, our friendship consisted of seeds sown in the heat of the day.  it worked, but only briefly.

once the bff came back and things started happening as they were meant to happen, thoughts of the ex quickly left my mind–friendship or whatever it was–and he became, as he was meant to be, a distant memory. except when he would pop back in and i would be jarred backward.  it felt wrong.  the bff doesn’t like him, doesn’t trust him, because of how things went down.  i think i probably understand better why things happened the way they happened, but i realized last night, as i considered whether or not to unfriend him, that we were really never going to be friends again–or perhaps it’s better to say that i didn’t ever want to be friends again.

for a while i thought that that was a character flaw of mine–to not be able to redefine the relationship once it changed. last night, i began to think that perhaps it is a strength to be able to see when something is done and to let go of it with grace.  i have always hated the part of me that held on too tight when something had clearly run its course. perhaps that part of me, like so many others of late, has changed.

i sent the ex a message, lest he think i was bitter, to explain my reason for unfriending him, to thank him for the blessing of his friendship so many moons ago, and to wish him all good things. i have been on the receiving end of unfriending of late and, if it is done without any real warning, it can be interpreted lots of ways. i really didn’t want that to happen.

i did know, though, that by doing so i was opening the door a crack. i erred on the side of kindness.

he replied tonight by sort of questioning my reasoning for unfriending him, seemingly halfheartedly wishing me good luck, and then telling me that he still wears the ring that i gave him (it was mine, it was a guy’s ring anyways, it was too big, he liked it, i told him he could have it, blah blah blah).

what do you do with that?

i’ll tell you what i did.

i deleted the message.

i recognized the guilt trip implicit in it (something i perhaps should have been expecting).

i let it get to me for a few minutes and then  i gave the bff the readers digest version of the whole thing and realized that this is exactly why i made the right decision.

i shrugged and moved on.

i feel inclined, right now, to move on from lots of things.  this one? i think this one was important.  far more than being about an ex, i think this one was about me recognizing that the choices i make for myself, as long as they are not intentionally harming others, are valid. i think this one was about stepping up and unapologetically claiming what i want.

this one was good.

bridal diaries: thick and thin.

Posted in bff, bridal diaries, faith is action, me on June 8, 2009 by drbolte

i got sick yesterday, with what felt frighteningly like when i had a massive kidney stone/infection about three years ago. i would officially call that the sickest i have been in recent years. i can hardly think of a time when i was sicker, unless it was with the migraines i got in high school (probably a combination of hormones and the massive addiction i had to GIANT tubs of pepsi at lunch), one of which left me asleep on the floor of the bathroom.

yeah, i was that sick. and i’m really glad i have that memory still because, honestly, it puts a lot of things into perspective.

but the kidney infection/stone of yore was no better. i was SO sick, possibly because of a reaction to the antibiotic they gave me but possibly just because it was so horrible.

anyway.

i started feeling that stabbing/squeezing/horrible side pain again and i got scared. i had been ridiculously exhausted all day, and the pain hit me pretty fast, and all i could think of was being that sick and how i desperately didn’t want that. i don’t really know what it was, but i got a blessing and the pain is basically gone.  it’s very possible that it was a small kidney stone. felt like it.  but i have an assurance that it will not come back and that it’s nothing to worry about, which is exactly what i needed.

because i was scared. and all i thought during the three or so hours that i was suffering was that i was falling apart. i am about to get married and i am falling apart.

the bff was worried about me.  he’s so sweet. i love him so much, and i really didn’t want him to have to deal with a dilapidated bride.  when i realized that he was really worried–understandable, because i really was hurting pretty bad–i told him he would probably fall apart when i had a baby. he said he wouldn’t, because that pain is supposed to happen.

(i’m putting it out there, right now. i don’t think he’ll handle me being in that kind of pain well. we’ll see…)

but as the night went on and i realized that the bff has seen me at my worst–bad attitude, illness, sadness–i understand better what it means to be together forever.  i worry, i guess, sometimes that seeing me at my worst will somehow make him love me less.  i think that’s natural, especially for someone whose biggest fear is that she’ll be a bad wife.  but i’m realizing that it is in those moments when i am broken down, when i need him most, that our love grows the most.

it’s a blessing for sure, and i’m grateful for it.  i’m grateful for the times when i’m weak so that it can make everything else stronger.  i don’t like being weak and i don’t like being sick.

but i like the lessons it teaches me.