Archive for the mirror mirror on the wall Category

updates.

Posted in bff, c, dissertation, etcetera, family, grrrrr., me, mirror mirror on the wall, my amazing mother, oh so very random, sigh, someday I'll be a real middle class girl, teaching, the joys of living in Florida, will work for food, you should really worship me on February 12, 2009 by drbolte

hi there.

i know, it’s been ages.  this week has flown by and with it, seemingly, anything interesting to say about my life. i’ve mainly just been trying to keep on keeping on.

but i have a few things to updated you on/vent about/describe. enjoy. (or don’t. some people don’t like these update-y posts. more power to you, but it’s what i’ve got.)

  • the toe.  still broken. turned an impressive shade of purple earlier in the week. i have yet to try to wear regular shoes, although the doc told me to wear more supportive shoes than flip flops. i’m having trouble understanding how that can happen since these allegedly more supportive shoes often require me to STUFF MY ENTIRE BROKEN FOOT (whatever. toe. i know. hyperbole.) INTO THE WHOLE THING.  that seems, i feel, counterproductive to the whole “i avoid pain” campaign.  (pain. campaign. ha. i’ll be here all week.) but as a result of walking strangely, hobbling, and trying to walk normally (these happen in succession usually and i’ll let you guess which one i do most often), the outside of my right leg (the one with the wounded wing) hurts. in a strange way. it feels strained or pulled or something. i’ve tried massage (well, i whined a lot and got the bff to rub it for me) and it didn’t really help.  i’ve tried ibuprofen. didn’t help.  so, yeah…the broken toe is SUCKAGE.
  • can’t work out really because of the toe. or, i should say, i’m afraid to try this week since it hasn’t even been a week and i really don’t want to screw it up even more than i have.  so i’ve been doing random things like crunches (which i’m actually sort of starting to feel, hallelujah) but those don’t give a good calorie burn (stupid. stupid. stupid.). but the result is that i’ve had to be SUPER self-disciplined with my eating in order to not dig myself into a hole that will freak me out and require massive amounts of effort to extract myself from.  so, the result is that i’m probably going to WAY slow down the progress, which is SO. FRUSTRATING., but…that’s life, right? you do what you can with what you’ve got.  pretty soon i’m going to try the stationary bike.  that can’t possibly hurt my foot, right?
  • actually wrote a page and a half of my dissertation chapter yesterday. in a relatively short amount of time (total actual writing time? like 45 minutes.  of course, i spent three hours doing other random crap on the internet, but let’s focus on the successes, shall we?).  this gives me hope, which anchors my soul.  i believe that i can actually accomplish this thing.
  • had an interview for an adjunct job on monday in jax.  i expected it to be one of those interviews where, you know, you try to sell them on you.  wrong. i walked in there (limped, probably, but that’s neither here nor there) and she basically already wanted to hire me and spent the next forty or so minutes convincing me that i wanted to work there–or at least telling me all of the things that i would be getting myself into.  it was a nice switch, let me tell you, from the solemn deathmarch that is the tenure track job market right now.   so…i’ll be working there in the late summer.  possibly in the fall as well.  and she mentioned the possibilities of visiting professor lines being opened up next year. so, there’s that. which leads me to my next point…
  • decided that i’m staying in florida for the timebeing. actually, probably for a long time.  i feel really good about this decision, which is completely opposite to what i thought i would do.  i feel like even if it means adjuncting for the rest of my life, cobbling together a living based on jobs here and there, the payoffs are definitely worth it.  some things are just more important, and i’ve always felt that way.  besides, i’m still not completely counting out high school.  that actually seems sort of fun to me. does that make me insane? maybe a little.
  • valentine’s day is coming up. i’m working on that project that i solicited help for. i’ve been told that i need to post the final playlist when it’s finished. i will, i promise.  i hope it’s good. your suggestions were WONDERFUL, and in some cases led me to other things which were amazing and perfect so…you all win. and hopefully i win with the bff too.
  • mom comes on sunday! YAY! she hasn’t been here in AGES…and she gets to meet (finally…) the bff.  despite us being best friends for nearly three years, she’s never met him.  it’s about time, eh?

that’s about all that’s going on in my life. what’s new in yours?

cxxx: dilemma in denim.

Posted in c, etcetera, ghetto life, i am not a gym rat, mirror mirror on the wall, shopping, sigh, someday I'll be a real middle class girl, will work for food, you have to be a chick to understand on January 27, 2009 by drbolte

the shred has been effective.

i use a form of the past tense because i think i am shredded out.  this week i haven’t done it once. i am not inclined to do it because a) i’ve done it most every day for a month b) i’m tired of it c) i’ll never master it (or so it feels) and d) i miss my sixty/seventy/eighty minute crazy cardio wackiness and gym psychotic sprees.  i may resurrect it twice or three times a week as a strength training supplement, but i think i may have toxed out on jillian michaels.

but it’s been effective. i’ve lost something like two inches from my hips and an inch from my waist and thighs.  in less than a month.

all of which makes my jeans even bigger than they were.

“yeah, yeah, yeah. big problem. stop your whining.”  i can hear you all now, and i understand. i really should shut up.

but i’m too busy TRYING TO KEEP MY PANTS ON MY BODY.

so…here’s my dilemma.

do i go invest the money in jeans that actually fit, since let’s be real–jeans are THE staple of my wardrobe–from the store where i got my jeans that the bff has told me he likes better than all of the rest because they actually fit (uhm…which inclines me to actually go buy 14 pairs of them if he likes them, but that’s neither here nor there) which will cost me $50 a pair at least (money that i could spend in a MULTITUDE of different ways…)?

or maybe see if jeans at real girl stores will seriously fit (like buckle…or somewhere else…) which will be more expensive but possibly last longer/look better/make me feel like i can conquer the WORLD?

or keep waiting until i get smaller?

i’m growing frustrated.

i’m also only about thirty pounds from my goal.  which is amazing and makes the dilemma even more obnoxious.  because i wonder if those thirty pounds will be two sizes (as is pretty standard–15 lbs = one size) or like four since apparently i’m losing inches INFINITELY faster than i am losing pounds.

expensive.  nice, but expensive.

so what should i do?  what would YOU do?

cxxix: candids and ctr rings.

Posted in c, faith is action, i love my life, mirror mirror on the wall, superheckyes, you have to be a chick to understand on January 11, 2009 by drbolte

thursday night, at my bcs championship party, one of my girls was taking pictures. i was sitting on the floor, the BFF to my left, my girl to his left.  she took a picture across the room, and all you could see of me was my arm sticking out behind him.  i saw the picture after she took it and i said, surprised, “you can’t even SEE me!”  the BFF looked at me and said “i win.”  i sort of chuckled and said “i think I win.”  understanding sort of flashed in his eyes and he said “in a big contest, i would win.”

the BFF has made it emphatically clear that my ctr ring, which i wear on my right ring finger, is TOO BIG.

this was not news to me, but when he was able to pull it off without any resistance at all in one quick and fluid motion, he made the statement.  i didn’t argue with him.  i told him that it used to fit (and it did). he told me that i needed what he called the standard size 7 instead of what has apparently now become an uber-large 8. then, when i told him that my other ring finger was even smaller, leading him to guess that i’d wear a 6.5 on that hand, he said “you’re little.”  then he said it again, looking straight at me.  “you’re LITTLE.”

about a month ago, these things would have led me to deny them.  i would have been like “nah…not true.”

but pictures don’t lie and neither do pieces of metal.

and neither does the BFF.  biased as he may be, he tells the truth.  and for whatever reason, i’m starting to be able to see it.  and it’s REALLY cool.

shred update: seriously, it works. trying on clothes since i’ve gotten back home from christmas, things are fitting differently.  the jeans i bought on new year’s eve are nearly too big.  i’m still pretty much on level 1, but it’s still kicking my trash a little and i’m sort of excited to see what happens when i add in more cardio than i have been doing this week.  and if i ever master a pushup, a side lunge, or an oblique crunch, i will count myself a winner.

jigsaw.

Posted in all i want for christmas is..., disney princesses got nothin' on me, etcetera, faith is action, i love my life, i promise you that you won't care, Life, magic, mirror mirror on the wall, superheckyes, wish i may wish i might, you have to be a chick to understand on January 7, 2009 by drbolte

i was talking to a friend the other day that i haven’t seen in AGES, and we were trying to catch up as best we could via gchat, which is harder than it may seem. she said that i seemed really happy. today, someone said that i looked like the i was sitting on top of the world.

i am happier than i have been in a long time.

but before you all go rolling your eyes and thinking that you know the reason, it’s far more complicated than that.

going home for the holidays was really good for me in lots of ways.  of course, it was WONDERFUL to see the family that i hadn’t seen in half a year. that’s the longest i’d gone before.  but before i headed home, i think i felt stuck in who i once was.  that sounds odd.  let me back up a bit.  i have talked here about how my mind couldn’t quite catch up to what my body had done. i think that was really true in many ways…like i couldn’t quite embrace who i now was.  all of the changing that i had done–the physical, i think, just serving as a symbol–hadn’t really cemented to me.

the trip home did something funny.  it was like something clicked.

or, if you will, the pieces started falling into place in the right order and at the right time.

i was talking to the BFF (do i need a new name for him? suggestions?) about this and used that metaphor for things that he was excited about, and at the moment that i did, i realized that in so many ways it was true of me as well.

when i looked in the mirror while i was at home, i saw the person that everybody kept telling me i was.

when i was faced with challenging situations, i was the person i hoped that i would be.  or in the moments that i wasn’t, i recognized it and transcended it before i made a situation worse.  in short, i abdicated my throne as the queen of passive aggressiva and just said what i wanted to say.

when i needed to be patient, i was patient–with myself and with others. when i needed faith, it was there.

so i am happy…so much happier than i have been in a long time, but much of that is the direct result of a lot of hard work that i’ve been doing on myself.  and i have to believe that the new amazing things in my life are similarly a result of who i am now…as well as who i always have been.

the pieces, which were all there before but were all wonky and out of sorts, are now all fitting together really, really well. if this makes any sense, i feel more like myself than i have in a long time.  like maybe the pieces that needed to come together were only for me–so that i could realize who i am.

weird.  odd. awesome.

in other news, partially brought on my chickbug’s recent post about the top ten reasons it sucks to have a blog, i’m wondering how much of the good stuff going on in my life you actually want to hear. i definitely don’t want to be that girl who’s like OH HAI GUESS WHAT JUST HAPPENED TO ME DON’T YOU WISH YOU WERE ME I’M SO LUUUUCCCCKKKY? because that girl is that one you want to stifle in whatever manner is available to you or stick gum in her hair or throw things at her or…well you get the picture.  but i also don’t want to be writing about boring crap and doing memes all the time because i am avoiding the things in my life that are crazy good.

so…what’s your philosophy, y’all?  you’re the readers.  and yes, this is my space and, yes, i will ultimately do what i want with it, but…i like you guys. i’d like to keep you around and keep you commenting, if at all possible.  so…share with the good doctor.

i’m listening.

cxx: mile markers.

Posted in c, disney princesses got nothin' on me, magic, mirror mirror on the wall, shopping, superheckyes, the glass is half FULL, you have to be a chick to understand on December 22, 2008 by drbolte

i successfully shopped the sale rack in the juniors department today.

when your grandest dream is to buy any kind of clothing in the regular sized department as a teenager, so that you can go shopping with your friends and not be limited to exclusively shoes and accessories, the juniors department is like mecca. or the holy grail.  insert the appropriate religious metaphor of your choice.

but even when you’ve gotten down to a size where you really fit into most anything in the regular section, the juniors section remains unattainable.

because, in case you didn’t know, everything that’s a “junior” size is a) smaller than standard sizes and 2) cut for people with a standard hourglass figure (or a girl with no hips, butt, or any real body parts at all)

definitely not someone with hips and a butt for ages.

so, i’ve stayed away.  today it began with a coat that i thought was really adorable.  there was a size there that i thought might fit.  and i hadn’t tried for a while and ‘what the heck do i have to lose?’ went through my head.  so i pulled the coat over my sweater and zipped it up.

and it fit.  not just fit, but looked ADORABLE.  i wasn’t pouring myself into it.  it just fit, all cute and sassy and totally me.  so i thought…well…if that size fits in that, maybe other things will?

and from there it was just one tumbling snowball rolling downhill, sweeping my money off and bringing a whole lot of awesome.

today, i did what i’ve never done.  today, i am apparently standard hourglass figure.  today, i found the holy grail.

for 70% off.

i’m really not sure it gets much better than that.

day 5 shred update: took sunday off, as i will from now on.  i can’t make myself workout on sunday when it has been, for so long, my day of rest.  so i doubled up to make up for it.  level one this morning and level two tonight.  other than feeling like i REALLY need to work on my plank position and my oblique twists, i really, really liked it. level two was harder, yeah, but almost more fun.  i’ll probably vary it up. and i don’t even feel particularly like death.  we’ll see what i feel like tomorrow…but i’m still at it.

phase this.

Posted in all i want for christmas is..., i am not a gym rat, mirror mirror on the wall on December 12, 2008 by drbolte

do you know phase 10? the game?

well, wait. let me back up.

i heard about this workout and, given my recent inclination to not move at all because i either don’t want to get out of my house or i don’t have time to get to the gym because i spend that time doing other things like freaking out about mock interviews or sleeping because i haven’t slept at all in ever, it sounded like an awesome idea.

except that i couldn’t find a regular deck of playing cards.

but i stumbled upon our apartment’s deck of phase 10 cards, and decided that since there were four colors, it would work. so i decided that blue would be squats, red would be jumping jacks, green would be pushups (although i did wall pushups because i am a big wimp and have no upper body strength), and yellow would be crunches.

my goal was to go through the entire deck.

do you know how many cards are in a phase 10 deck?

108 cards.

ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHT CARDS.

that go up to 12.

and guess what color kept coming up?

BLUE.

about halfway through the two-thirds of the deck that i actually go through, my glutes and quads were screaming.  and i thought, goodness. i might feel this a little bit tomorrow.

i didn’t really keep count of how many squats i actually did, but it took me thirty minutes to do my workout, and i didn’t really stop at all.  it was all jumping jacks (which are WAY fun, btw!), crunches, pushups, squats, squats, squats, jumping jacks, pushups, repeat repeat repeat.

so i thought i’d be a little sore.

that was tuesday.

it’s now friday.

i am only now beginning to walk normally, rather than like someone recovering from abdominal surgery or who has injured herself in some heinous manner.  i only now can face stairs without wanting to sob and can only now feel my muscles beginning to loosen up.

granted, i haven’t gone to the gym since and i wasn’t drinking enough water by a long shot (both of which help muscle soreness), but…seriously.

this is the sorest i’ve been, like, EVER.

i LOVE it.

during my christmas break, i plan to do this thing at least twice a week. it’s fun, easy (ha!), and i can do it anywhere.  and i can face it a lot easier than walking or running in the biting cold of north carolina christmas.

which i’ll also be doing.

because if i keep eating oreo cookie balls dipped in chocolate, heaven knows i’m going to have to do SOMETHING.

an open letter to my muscle groups.

Posted in c25k, faith is action, forward my mail, i am not a gym rat, i promise you that you won't care, me, mirror mirror on the wall on November 11, 2008 by drbolte

dear major muscle groups including the brain,

i just want to apologize in advance to you.

you sort of know, from today’s 3.25 mile jaunt in the morning and punishing crossramp interval session not twelve hours later, what’s coming. yeah, it’s going to be one of those weeks.

pure exhaustion. seeing how hard we can work. i have kicked it into high gear physically, and am aiming to kick it into high gear mentally tomorrow too.

i know.

i am sorry, but my will trumps your whining.  advil masks that pretty well.

just so you know, this should last approximately two weeks. then, if you need to, we can collapse a bit.  but for the next two weeks, please bear with me. give it all you’ve got.  let’s see how awesome we can be together.

my will and your strength.

it could be amazing.

love,

the determined one.

learn from me.

Posted in drama drama drama, mirror mirror on the wall, will work for food on October 15, 2008 by drbolte

things you shouldn’t do the night before your big trip to motor city for your big debut at a big conference where bigwigs and people with big influence on your big job search are going to be:

  • just barely finish your paper.  or, i should say, finish a draft of a paper that eventually will end up being your paper. that you will present.  in front of important people.
  • consider NOT turning in your interlibrary loan book that’s already eight days overdue. they’ve already blocked you from using ILL. what else could they do?
  • consider NOT going to the bank.  where’s the money going to come from? huh?  magic tree?
  • try on all of your outfits as you pack them when all you did to yourself today was get out of the shower and sort of blowdry your hair, which is now pulled back with a headband.  not the most attractive you’ve ever looked.
  • watch a jon and kate plus 8 marathon when you’re just a smidge baby crazy already.
  • think too hard about what you’re about to do tomorrow.
  • not make a list of things to bring.

in other news, those of you who posted links to lost in austen are my bestest friends in the whole wide bloggery world and i heart you.  i am looking forward to spending an entire day with it, which may actually happen on sunday when i get back.

here’s to taking vitamin c and airborne and not making a complete mockery of myself!  think good thoughts!

cx: the attention. oh, the attention.

Posted in c, i am not a gym rat, life lesson number 498, me, mirror mirror on the wall, the glass is half FULL, you should really worship me on October 2, 2008 by drbolte

well, i think i’m becoming that person.

you know the one i’m talking about. the one who thinks she knows it all, feels the pompousness of experience rise up to meet her as anyone starts talking about dieting or exercise or how to lose a few pounds.

i HATE those people.

i swear it’s not intentional. i promise. but it’s the same reaction that i get when someone starts talking about jane austen like she’s some pioneer of strictly chick lit or call Romantic writers Victorian or act like english majors make no contribution to society in general (all of these things have happened to me). when you immerse yourself in something for so long, and try to educate yourself, and have found success, an instinct kicks in that can deceive you into thinking that you know more.

i hate that feeling.

it’s not ego, i promise. more like the allure of wisdom, even if that wisdom only came last week in the form of a revelation that eating back your exercise calories is essential to your progress and that working out more, even if the scale doesn’t show it, really changes your body.  the little birdie of humility tells me often that, yes, this works for you and that, yes, it has worked for lots of people too. but that doesn’t make your way the best way or the only way or the golden path to peace and contentment.

but it is a way.

a hard way. a way full of not eating chinese food EVER and abandoning ice cream COMPLETELY and getting chocolate only in the form of pudding packs and semisweet chocolate chips.  a way full of 15% treadmill inclines and stadium stairclimbing and high elbow rows and lateral raises that you still can’t do well but you keep trying because darn it if a five pound weight is going to get the best of you.

but it’s a way.

i write all this because today i was told that i was doing really good with exercise by someone who, honestly, i had no idea knew anything about what i was doing. i’ll get back to that in a minute, but after she mentioned a mutual friend who was dieting, i found myself pontificating about how a particular “diet” is really just severe calorie restriction and probably won’t work in the long run because nobody really eats like that. and then i backtracked to the “different things work for different people” party line, which is true but which i’m not sure that i totally believe. i really don’t believe that a grapefruit and spinach soup diet (not the one to which i was referring earlier, but it might as well be) is going to get you where you want to go.

unless where you want to go is to lose a bunch of water and muscle in time to fit into that fabulous dress, and then more power to you, but don’t be surprised when you eat a piece of fruit that your body says HALLELUJAH AND AMEN! and plants that banana right back on your body in the form of five pounds.

i’m just saying.

but i’ve been there, and i understand. i really do.  quick fixes are the glitzy bling of our psychological needs.  we know we have to fix something, so we want to just fix it, not work hard for it, so we find the thing that seems to be the quickest, best, easiest route and we run to it.

i would like to introduce you to twenty eight years of my past. i know what it’s like.

but it doesn’t work. i mean it MIGHT work…for a while.  shoot. that’s happened to me too, in lots of things.  you can jump up on a bandwagon and stay on it for a good long time.  but bandwagons were made to break down, to collapse when you hit the first speed bump of life.   what then?

see? i’m doing it again. but here it’s my dime, my forum, my place to vent. and i don’t like that i am, now that i am immersed in what i’m doing and have basically changed my approach to everything, losing touch with how it feels to be on the other side.  i remember, but i don’t remember enough.

i need to remember more.

back to this person who told me that i was doing so well with exercise.

cue the attention whore portion of our program.

it’s that time again.  the time where everybody starts to notice, make comments, tell me i’m tiny (far from) and shrinking (legitimately true), even people who are basically just acquaintances feel free to ask me if i’m losing weight.  which introduces the perpetual dilemma of awkward versus deep and abiding need to be NOTICED! RIGHT NOW! WORSHIP ME!

hey. i never said i was anything other than a big bundle of contradictions walking around in purple flipflops.

i’ve written about this before. it’s so awkward for me, but i love it at the same time.  inevitably, this period of time comes AFTER i have started noticing it myself.  because i always go through this I CAN’T SEE IT! phase, where i really can’t see it.

(your brain has a little trouble keeping up with your body, if you didn’t know. it sees what it wants to see and it tells you what it wants to tell you.)

that’s been me lately.  can’t see the change. people keep telling me, and i can’t see it.

and then, on sunday, i saw it.  so did a bunch of other people.  and it was fun. and i was like “dang, i’m CUTE.”  but still, it’s weird. it’s especially weird when people who don’t really have any reason to notice/care/comment/invest time and resources in caring/noticing/commenting are.  because sometimes i think that i live in a world where actually very few people pay attention to what i’m doing.  i understand that world because i am living in drbolteland, populated by only me, the associated people who supply me with what i need, the people who text/call/facebook/email me, and my neuroses.

i expect that other people would be the same.

it’s odd.  because this time, i don’t really want to talk about it. it is what it is.  yes, i am shrinking. yes, i have lost weight. no, i have not gotten gastric bypass, ingested a tapeworm, found the miracle cure in the waters of some spring in Timbuktu, embraced a carrot and oatmeal diet, or otherwise found some kind of alien DNA that has changed me into half of my former self.

nope.  hasn’t happened. i guess i should say that i wish it had.  but i don’t.

the better, but infinitely less interesting answer, is that i just work incredibly hard at it.  i bust my butt most every day.

less interesting, yeah.  but i feel a whole lot more comfortable reaping the rewards.

so, yeah, you can worship me.  maybe i deserve it. a little.

maybe.

le hodgepodge.

Posted in blogging, books are bliss, dissertation, etcetera, forward my mail, mirror mirror on the wall on October 1, 2008 by drbolte

lots of apologizing for not writing going on on the blogs i read.

(thank heavens for google reader. truly.)

not that i am hating on the apologizing, because you know i do the same usually. but strangely, i don’t feel badly at all for my sporadic writing.  i use my blog for what i need it for–venting, keeping myself on track using the sidebar widget which is now doubling as a to-do list/accountability check-in, purging my brain of the things that i’ve been mulling over so that i can move on, etc.

and that’s okay.

so…what’s new with me?

not a whole lot.

everything’s basically the same. i’ve made some progress–finally turned in those stupid encyclopedia entries, excerpted 2000 words from a chapter that’s about 6000+ (it was beastly! difficult! but sometimes, you have to murder your darlings).  i’m gearing up for another week of insane hibernation in the library, as i have oodles of things to read, some of which is on microfilm which oddly intimidates me.  oh well. i’ll get over it.

i’m kind of excited to see where this next chapter/conference paper goes. i have a feeling that it’s going to be all kinds of awesome.  i’m also sort of excited to

i am participating in my first 5K this saturday. it’s a walk for breast cancer, so it’s not competitive at all, but it’s the longest athletic event i’ve ever participated in, and i’m pretty excited about it. but i’m pretty sure that my next big fitness goal will be actually training to actually run one.  i was going to try to start training in january, but i’m feeling fairly compelled to start soon. so that might happen in the next week or so.

and my secret dream is to do a half-marathon, which my pal lindzml was talking about on her blog.  but none of them are ever on a saturday, and i don’t do stuff like that on a sunday.  we’ll see. i think that’s pretty ambitious anyways, but who knows? i look back at the progress that i’ve made in the past four months and i’m pretty astounded.

as if i needed more things to do…but i need a new challenge. i’m getting bored.

i found something called newton crisps. they’re like a cross between a mixed berry newton cookie and streudel.  they’re sort of crispy and awesome and only 100 calories for two.  i love them.  and i love walmart because honey bunches of oats is always 2.50.  i live on that stuff.

speaking of, i want some.

so, all is well in drbolte land.  i’m tired but persevering.  i’m excited about and dreading the things that i have yet to do.  it’s a weird combination, but it is what it is.

i’m still on the hunt for some cute brown flats that won’t tear up my feet, as well as some adorable cardigans that are versatile enough to be worn with lots of different options. apparently cardigans are for old people.  oh well.  maybe i am.

but i’m still hecka cute, and i take solace in that fact.