Archive for the someday I’ll be a real middle class girl Category

third interview. good grief, can i get a JOB already?

Posted in etcetera, going quietly mad, Life, me, perfect brightness of hope, someday I'll be a real middle class girl, teaching on April 21, 2009 by drbolte

so i went on a third interview this morning at 8:30 a.m.

yes, i got up at 7 a.m. for the first time in i legitimately don’t know how long unless it was when i had to wake up at like 3 a.m. to go to arizona.  or when i had to wake up at 5:30 to go to orlando.

okay, so maybe it’s not that rare of an occurrence, but it felt like it so i was impressed with myself.

(but you don’t have to be.)

i got there on time and i guess i felt fairly confident.  i had done very well in the previous two interviews, really quickly striking up a camaraderie with the two other interviewers which put me at ease and made it feel really like it was just a good solid conversation. this one wasn’t quite as easy, but by the end i felt solidly like he liked me.

i think it’s a good sign when they start talking about the position as if it was already yours (i.e. you’d be an advisor, etc.). i had grand and probably misplaced hopes that somehow, miraculously, it would turn into a full-time teaching position, but those were fairly substantially rubbed out today. i’m not upset. i think part time will be good so that i can still work elsewhere/get my dang dissertation done.

as i was thinking back over the interview as i was driving home, i realized that i think the turning point for me was when i spoke fairly passionately about how when you’re teaching middle school, you’re teaching not just subject matter but how to be a citizen, an adult, a person in the world.  that you have to model the behaviors that you hope that your students will adopt. that it’s okay to apologize to a parent when you’ve done something stupid or shortsighted–that, in fact, that can be the best thing to do.  that these middle school years are some of the best and most important years of a child’s life.

and i wasn’t being at all insincere. i genuinely believe all of that, and i really very much want to put into practice the things that i talked about.

now if only they would just give me the chance.  i understand why this process has been long and protracted–i have learned very much about myself and about leaning on the Lord and about developing my faith–but i am growing tired. not fearful. i know everything will work out. i’m just tired. i would like to have some things resolved sooner rather than later.

there are many details to be taken care of…i hope this one resolves itself very soon.

and in my favor.

keep your fingers crossed. keep the prayers coming.

thanks.

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updates.

Posted in bff, c, dissertation, etcetera, family, grrrrr., me, mirror mirror on the wall, my amazing mother, oh so very random, sigh, someday I'll be a real middle class girl, teaching, the joys of living in Florida, will work for food, you should really worship me on February 12, 2009 by drbolte

hi there.

i know, it’s been ages.  this week has flown by and with it, seemingly, anything interesting to say about my life. i’ve mainly just been trying to keep on keeping on.

but i have a few things to updated you on/vent about/describe. enjoy. (or don’t. some people don’t like these update-y posts. more power to you, but it’s what i’ve got.)

  • the toe.  still broken. turned an impressive shade of purple earlier in the week. i have yet to try to wear regular shoes, although the doc told me to wear more supportive shoes than flip flops. i’m having trouble understanding how that can happen since these allegedly more supportive shoes often require me to STUFF MY ENTIRE BROKEN FOOT (whatever. toe. i know. hyperbole.) INTO THE WHOLE THING.  that seems, i feel, counterproductive to the whole “i avoid pain” campaign.  (pain. campaign. ha. i’ll be here all week.) but as a result of walking strangely, hobbling, and trying to walk normally (these happen in succession usually and i’ll let you guess which one i do most often), the outside of my right leg (the one with the wounded wing) hurts. in a strange way. it feels strained or pulled or something. i’ve tried massage (well, i whined a lot and got the bff to rub it for me) and it didn’t really help.  i’ve tried ibuprofen. didn’t help.  so, yeah…the broken toe is SUCKAGE.
  • can’t work out really because of the toe. or, i should say, i’m afraid to try this week since it hasn’t even been a week and i really don’t want to screw it up even more than i have.  so i’ve been doing random things like crunches (which i’m actually sort of starting to feel, hallelujah) but those don’t give a good calorie burn (stupid. stupid. stupid.). but the result is that i’ve had to be SUPER self-disciplined with my eating in order to not dig myself into a hole that will freak me out and require massive amounts of effort to extract myself from.  so, the result is that i’m probably going to WAY slow down the progress, which is SO. FRUSTRATING., but…that’s life, right? you do what you can with what you’ve got.  pretty soon i’m going to try the stationary bike.  that can’t possibly hurt my foot, right?
  • actually wrote a page and a half of my dissertation chapter yesterday. in a relatively short amount of time (total actual writing time? like 45 minutes.  of course, i spent three hours doing other random crap on the internet, but let’s focus on the successes, shall we?).  this gives me hope, which anchors my soul.  i believe that i can actually accomplish this thing.
  • had an interview for an adjunct job on monday in jax.  i expected it to be one of those interviews where, you know, you try to sell them on you.  wrong. i walked in there (limped, probably, but that’s neither here nor there) and she basically already wanted to hire me and spent the next forty or so minutes convincing me that i wanted to work there–or at least telling me all of the things that i would be getting myself into.  it was a nice switch, let me tell you, from the solemn deathmarch that is the tenure track job market right now.   so…i’ll be working there in the late summer.  possibly in the fall as well.  and she mentioned the possibilities of visiting professor lines being opened up next year. so, there’s that. which leads me to my next point…
  • decided that i’m staying in florida for the timebeing. actually, probably for a long time.  i feel really good about this decision, which is completely opposite to what i thought i would do.  i feel like even if it means adjuncting for the rest of my life, cobbling together a living based on jobs here and there, the payoffs are definitely worth it.  some things are just more important, and i’ve always felt that way.  besides, i’m still not completely counting out high school.  that actually seems sort of fun to me. does that make me insane? maybe a little.
  • valentine’s day is coming up. i’m working on that project that i solicited help for. i’ve been told that i need to post the final playlist when it’s finished. i will, i promise.  i hope it’s good. your suggestions were WONDERFUL, and in some cases led me to other things which were amazing and perfect so…you all win. and hopefully i win with the bff too.
  • mom comes on sunday! YAY! she hasn’t been here in AGES…and she gets to meet (finally…) the bff.  despite us being best friends for nearly three years, she’s never met him.  it’s about time, eh?

that’s about all that’s going on in my life. what’s new in yours?

word of the freakin’ day.

Posted in bff, dissertation, domestic goddess, faith is action, going quietly mad, i am not a gym rat, me, sigh, someday I'll be a real middle class girl on January 29, 2009 by drbolte

thwart:

–verb, used with an object.

1. to oppose successfully; prevent from accomplishing a purpose.

2. to frustrate or baffle (a plan, a purpose, etc.).

in one particular area of my life, smooth sailing is the order of the day. i feel led, guided, protected, and shielded from opposition or most anything bad.  it’s beautiful and wonderful and amazing and mind-bogglingly awesome (in the truest sense of the word awesome rather than the bill and ted’s version of awesome).

i had been wondering where the opposition would come because, if you don’t know, there is opposition in all things.

and i’m not saying there hasn’t been some degree of opposition in this area, but comparatively speaking, it’s been so…not.

and i’m not chasing trouble. please don’t get me wrong. no trouble please. i like how things are and i have no fear that they will change, really.

but i’d been sort of looking around wondering when the opposition was going to come.

and then, walking in the steady drizzling rain to work, contemplating how i was going to accomplish everything that i have to accomplish today, feeling like i was the biggest failure in the world because no matter what i try to do i can’t manage to do it, i realized.

THERE IT IS.

in every other area of my life, i feel thwarted.

it’s such a good word.

stymied. stopped. frustrated.

the weight loss? at a complete standstill. part of that is lack of good sleep. part of that is that i’ve been cooking for two lately and, until about two days ago, didn’t really realize that i could incorporate really healthy stuff and it would go over fine.  also…how do guys eat so much and not gain any weight at all?  my gosh.  it’s insane, really.  so i mean i guess i have a plan there, but…that’s been a unique challenge.

exercise? i’m lucky if i manage to do anything, or so it feels. today is a perfect example. i wanted to go run stadiums today. that was my plan. that’s my plan for every thursday evening.  i did it last week and it was AMAZING. i loved it. today? raining. and i have 500000 things to do before i leave for a weekend wedding tomorrow at 0 dark o’clock.  so i’m thinking, how am i going to get a really good calorie burn? and i get so frustrated that i could cry because i just have done so not great at this lately. i miss it.  but i don’t know how to do it all and when it feels this hard to even do 24 minutes of shred, i’m just not brave enough sometimes to do it.  but i get scared that if i don’t, i’ll backslide.  and i can’t backslide. i’ve worked way way too hard.

dissertation? i got one thing done in the last two weeks when my goal was to finish an entire draft of a chapter.  and that one thing? took me like four hours total. and on that day when i was dedicated to doing it? interrupted continuously.  i interrupted myself to forage for food for us and that ended up taking like WAY longer than i thought it would (my own fault, but still…). just as i was getting back to working, my roommate needed me to go home and get something for her. as in drive home and get it and bring it to her on campus. she’d do the same for me at any moment, so i did it, but her request came just at the time when i wouldn’t be able to return to my studying place so i had to pack up all of my stuff and then restart somewhere else.  that’s a perfect example.

i just feel like, in most of my life, i am walking uphill in mud against a bracing wind. it’s exhausting.  i am desperately trying. i sometimes think i’m not, but would i be this frustrated if i wasn’t? i don’t know how to do it better–i genuinely don’t, not without giving up things i don’t want to give up–and i actually don’t know if i’m managing to do anything at all. i don’t know if i’m actually progressing, perhaps imperceptibly, or if i’m standing still.

describing all of this actually makes the complete ease of the other area of my life even more incredible by comparison, actually.  he is the shelter to these bracing winds.

maybe that’s the point.

i need a plan.

cxxx: dilemma in denim.

Posted in c, etcetera, ghetto life, i am not a gym rat, mirror mirror on the wall, shopping, sigh, someday I'll be a real middle class girl, will work for food, you have to be a chick to understand on January 27, 2009 by drbolte

the shred has been effective.

i use a form of the past tense because i think i am shredded out.  this week i haven’t done it once. i am not inclined to do it because a) i’ve done it most every day for a month b) i’m tired of it c) i’ll never master it (or so it feels) and d) i miss my sixty/seventy/eighty minute crazy cardio wackiness and gym psychotic sprees.  i may resurrect it twice or three times a week as a strength training supplement, but i think i may have toxed out on jillian michaels.

but it’s been effective. i’ve lost something like two inches from my hips and an inch from my waist and thighs.  in less than a month.

all of which makes my jeans even bigger than they were.

“yeah, yeah, yeah. big problem. stop your whining.”  i can hear you all now, and i understand. i really should shut up.

but i’m too busy TRYING TO KEEP MY PANTS ON MY BODY.

so…here’s my dilemma.

do i go invest the money in jeans that actually fit, since let’s be real–jeans are THE staple of my wardrobe–from the store where i got my jeans that the bff has told me he likes better than all of the rest because they actually fit (uhm…which inclines me to actually go buy 14 pairs of them if he likes them, but that’s neither here nor there) which will cost me $50 a pair at least (money that i could spend in a MULTITUDE of different ways…)?

or maybe see if jeans at real girl stores will seriously fit (like buckle…or somewhere else…) which will be more expensive but possibly last longer/look better/make me feel like i can conquer the WORLD?

or keep waiting until i get smaller?

i’m growing frustrated.

i’m also only about thirty pounds from my goal.  which is amazing and makes the dilemma even more obnoxious.  because i wonder if those thirty pounds will be two sizes (as is pretty standard–15 lbs = one size) or like four since apparently i’m losing inches INFINITELY faster than i am losing pounds.

expensive.  nice, but expensive.

so what should i do?  what would YOU do?

miracles.

Posted in dissertation, faith is action, gators, i love my life, magic, shopping, someday I'll be a real middle class girl, the glass is half FULL, will work for food on October 23, 2008 by drbolte

i believe in a God of everyday miracles.

let me give you cases in point.

this week has been INSANE.  literally. i could have been driven mad by it all, let it totally throw me, let it debilitate me to the point where i couldn’t do what i needed to do. but i didn’t. i’m not saying it didn’t affect me–it did, enough to blog about it and talk to my mom about it for an hour–but then i got up, dusted myself off, and got moving again.

miracle number one.

yesterday might have been the nuttiest day of them all, what with homecoming float things that needed to be done (i promise, i’ll post pictures!) and the fact that i realized what a huge huge fat crisis my procrastination on job applications had created for me.  this job, the one that i was applying for? ABSOLUTELY PERFECT for me.  it’s way far away (just about as far away as you can get in the continental united states), but they’re looking for someone specializing in my field, who has a breadth of teaching experience including interest in/focus on writing, who also has an interest in contemporary lit/film/television.

well, hello. welcome to my schizophrenic career.

but they wanted A LOT of stuff. and they wanted applications to be COMPLETE by friday. most of the time when they give a deadline, it’s a postmark deadline. oh no. not this one.

so i prayed–oh boy did i pray–that i would be able to accomplish everything and that i would be able to let go of the float a little and let people help and that i would be able to meet all of my deadlines and that i would be able to do it well.

and even though it cost me $28 in extra shipping/overnighting costs, the application was complete and sent and will be there by 3 p.m. on friday.

of course they probably won’t even look at it until november 1st, but that’s neither here nor there. and let’s ignore the fact that i found a typo on the first page of the writing sample, one that i have missed for MONTHS now because it’s not so much a typo as a misspelling of an author’s middle name that looks normal but is actually ENTIRELY wrong.  let’s hope they skim over that like i do.

we got everything done for the float that needed to be done yesterday. today is just touch up and final touches.

i even had time to go to the grocery store.

miracles 2 through 278.

today, i am starting to work ahead through the job stuff, looking to not put myself in the position that i was yesterday, so i had to do some copying and some ink cartridge buying (good heavens, they are going to bankrupt me, i swear).  on my way back, i stopped at the bank near the mall.  and a tiny voice told me “go check out ann taylor loft.”

you may think this is a delusional voice that is born of my desire for retail therapy. no, not at all.  i don’t shop at ann taylor loft. it would never occur to me to go there, really, except that i had a conversation with law school girl about their suits.  but my plan was to buy a suit over christmas, just before my interviews, and to have mom pay for it. ah, plans.

i arrived and they were having a sale.  a big sale.

so i immediately start looking at the largest sizes they have. if you have ever had trouble buying clothes in a regular store, because you are too short or too tiny or too large or too tall, you will know what this impulse feels like. you will just sort of automatically gravitate toward the sizes that have fit in the past or styles that seem to work on you, perhaps picking up a piece or too that should be too small or too short or too whatever just for kicks because it’s insanely marked down and it would be a travesty not to at least try.

that’s what i did.  and i cried in the dressing room.

not because things didn’t fit but because, for the first time in my life that i can remember, most everything fit.  and pretty much looked good. and were in sizes that real people wear.  the pencil skirt still didn’t work–i don’t think i have the body for a pencil skirt, as much as i keep trying for it–but everything else fit.

including the most adorable hot pink jacket (it sounds so 1989 but it’s not. it’s SO adorable) with big black buttons and some pinstriped pants that were part of a suit.

i bought a suit. in a real girl size.  and i got it on ridiculous sale.

(WHY does the website say this is denim? it’s not denim! it’s charcoal grey with pinstripes! that’s not denim! what, are they TRYING to kill me?)

miracle number 6.

i have just applied for my first professor job.  i have just bought a suit to go on interviews for said professor jobs.  i have just made 40 copies of my CV.  the float is coming together, and we are finding people to ride on it and be ridiculous with us.

miracles are all around us.  and everything i seem to ask for, the things i need, are showing up for me.  i don’t understand how you can look around the world, at how we are so blessed in our time of need, and not see the hand of a loving God in that.

i see it.  i am blessed.

i’ve taken this * thing a bit too far.

Posted in blogging, books are bliss, celebrities, dissertation, etcetera, family, i promise you that you won't care, me, perfect brightness of hope, someday I'll be a real middle class girl, TV and me are pals, will work for food, you should really worship me on September 22, 2008 by drbolte

if you’ve been around at all recently, you know that mondays don’t tend to be good to me.  i don’t know why. i’m veering towards insufficient sleep based on what has become the ritual of sunday naps in the afternoon, which leave me more inclined to watch army wives at 1 a.m. than actually go to sleep.

but yesterday i was quite excited to tackle the day. i’ve made my schedule in my handy dandy blue notebook and although it’s already required modification, it’s okay.

there’s lots to tell you–about minor and major miracles in my life*,  about things that are coming up that both freak me out and excite the HECK out of me so i don’t think about them in too much detail**, about how this week’s madness is the fruit of my procrastination, about how excited i am that the west wing is coming back on bravo and how even though i really have no business adding two more hours of daily TV to my world, i will tape them and be glad of it*** and about how utterly joyful i was to find a marathon on on friday when i got home from work****, about how i had a dream that my birthday went by and i was the one who totally forgot about it and how that was more funny than sad, and about how i miss my family and thought briefly yesterday about finding a time when i could just drive up there and surprise them.  i may still do it.  maybe after the detroit conference.

oh, didn’t i mention that i’m going to the motor city?

yeah.

so, i have all of these things to tell you but no time to tell you them.  but they’re on the back burner, just waiting for dead time at work or frustration with writing or brainfried break time to reveal themselves.

hang with me.

but in the meantime, it’s monday, and i’m trying to make it work.*****

have a wonderful day!

*do you ever have those times when you are completely stressed out about something(s), and you don’t think to pray about them because they seem like problems that you will just solve later and so you don’t want to bother with them now because as much as they are subconsciously really freaking you out, you have bigger fish to fry? and then all of the sudden out of the clear blue sky, problems get solved without any intervention on your part but entirely because Heavenly Father is merciful and kind and loves you and decides to help you out, as any parent would, just because He knows that the problems are there?

yeah. those happened.  two of them.  this weekend. maybe three.  actually three.  i am a blessed girl.

**not limited to but including job search. but mainly…other things.

***i live in way lower middle class land. no tivo for me. i work it old school, with a VCR, a timer, and some seriously recycled tapes.  that’s how i deal with fall TV.  every day has a schedule.  i tape them and watch them when i have time, when i have a break, or on sundays when i don’t work.  we’ll see how long this lasts.

****oh president santos/jimmy smits, i love you. but i love josh more.

*****if kenley doesn’t get kicked off of project runway soon, i will do damage to some inanimate object in frustration. she’s so…annoying!  who saw that coming? i sure didn’t.

where are the rules and the $5K when you need them?

Posted in ghetto life, i'm so much cooler online, me, mirror mirror on the wall, someday I'll be a real middle class girl, The Single Life, you have to be a chick to understand on September 12, 2008 by drbolte

who wants to be my personal stylist?

no, seriously.

the things that routinely go through my head when choosing clothing to wear to, say, my job as a tutor on campus revolve around cleanliness, if i have a pair of $2 flip flops that match or sort of match or don’t even remotely match it, if it’s comfortable, if it will give me heatstroke as i am crossing campus, and whether or not i have worn it before.  like, you know, recently.  as in i don’t want to be that girl who keeps wearing that oxford university shirt even though i have two and they are comfortable and i can wear purple flip flops with them and do you see my dilemma?

every day that’s not a work day,  it’s pajamas and workout wear.  because i work out and then sit in my desk chair all day being brilliant, and if i can do that with turtles or rabbits on my legs, i will do it and be glad.

because seriously, folks, i have time to worry about my wardrobe like not at all.  i mean i want to.  i’m a girl. i want to be cute and adorable and put together all of the time.  i watch what not to wear like every other self-respecting shlub and wish that i could have the genetic disposition that allows me to put purple alligator handbags together with some non-matching outfit and have it look spectacular.

i also wish i had the funds to make that possible.

but that’s another topic entirely so ANYWAYS.

what was i saying?

oh. stylist. need one. right.

i do need new clothes. i believe that i have talked about the need for suit shopping before (mom has graciously offered to take my clothes shopping for my birthday, which is exciting but probably won’t happen until JUST BEFORE INTERVIEWS after christmas and that’s just too far away).  but clinton and stacy have taught me this much: when i do go suit shopping i will be looking for SUPER! SASSY! FUN! things to wear under it, but let’s be real–a suit’s a suit.

as for the rest of my clothes?  i kind of need help.  my jeans are all getting too big and that’s really all i ever wear (i know, i know, i know. i’m old enough to not wear jeans all of the time. i get it.) and now i feel interested in purchasing other things but part of me is like “why buy clothes now when they’ll all just be too big in a few months anyways and when you never wear anything but pajama pants anyways, smart one?”

sometimes my inner voice is kind of a smartaleck. right, but still smartalecky about it.

but i’m looking ahead because i am nothing if not a PLANNER.  and within the next, say, month and a half, i would like to have some solid pieces that can mix and match and do amazing things to my butt.  two of those three wouldn’t suck.

i’m kind of preppy, y’all, with some weird eclectic flair. after all, i did buy and do wear zebra striped flats.

basically, i’m a pathetic heap of sassy just waiting to express itself but can’t manage to find a way to do it well.

anybody want to go shopping with me?