Archive for the wish i may wish i might Category

38.

Posted in bff, books are bliss, bridal diaries, etcetera, going quietly mad, i love my life, me, teaching, the engaged life, wish i may wish i might on July 1, 2009 by drbolte

i have a friend who used to be a roommate (hi friend!) who just moved to begin a grand adventure in a faraway state.  she just packed up her car and went. i am incredibly proud of her chutzpah.  i am not going to write about chutzpah, but i bring up this friend because her most recent blog post had the most magnificent title: “the days are long but the months will be short.”

(her titles are always wonderful and deep. unlike mine.  but that’s okay.)

i love that title because that, in short, encapsulates my life.

i have suddenly woken up with the very real, very visceral realization that i am getting married in 38 days.. i have less than six weeks left.  you know, the six week mark where you’re supposed to start all of those bridal makeover plans, where you stop drinking caffeine (done…like 15 years ago), start eating vegetables and fruits in rich abundance (i’m now in love with spinach salad, fyi…why is it so good?), and start exercising your face off (me and the gym are now friends again. i missed it.  i really did.).

this is the time when all the stuff you’ve put off because it was just too far away to do actually needs to get done.

this is also the time when i have started teaching. i really like my class. a bunch of people dropped, so i only have 26 students, but they’re intelligent and insightful and have much to say about jane austen already. i usually find that austen either creates not much conversation or a strictly reactionary discussion about plot and character. that’s not the case with these students.  they are making really rich connections between cultural expectations and character development, discussing thematic elements, and demonstrating a great deal of independent thought.

i really like them. i think they’re a different kind of class.

(it strikes me that i may be a better teacher than i was, but that’s neither here nor there.)

but this class requires me to make use of every moment of my time effectively.  for the past few days, i have been coming home and taking a quick nap after class, aiming to keep my goal of getting eight hours of sleep each day. if i can’t get it at night, i try to catch up during the day.

i just can’t do it.  there isn’t enough time, it seems, to do all my preparations for class (which includes about 100 pages of reading a day), to go to the gym for about an hour (which i won’t give up. i refuse.), to come home and prepare dinner, to spend time with the bff, and to get the other things done that need to get done. it just…i need like six hours more a day.

i literally and sincerely have no idea how everything will get done. i really don’t.  the bff, bless him, has made it his goal this week to make my life easier. he has told me that i need to give him tasks to do and he will do them.  so, i did. and really, the way i feel is that all of the important stuff has been done. the rest is just a series (a long series, to be sure) of little things that need to be done in order to ensure that things turn out the way that we imagined. but if things are different than we expected? oh well.

(i say this now. but i still really want things to be done and get done and all to be as we imagined.  but i’m trying to be chill.)

my mind is just crammed, but not coherently crammed.  if it were an actual to-do list in any sort of cohesive order, i think it would be easier. instead, it’s really just a big puddle of things that need to get done, often with an accompanying sense of urgency which doesn’t make much sense.

for example, i feel REALLY impressed that i need to get rid of all of my extra books, like, yesterday. that makes no chronological sense.  but there you go. it’s fairly indicative of where my head is at.

so i go about my days, which seem long and packed with running here and there and trying to finish everything that needs to be done each day.

and i look up and clap my hand over my mouth and realize that in one month, i will be moving into our new apartment. and one week after that, we will be married.

it will fly by.  it really already has.

i only hope i can make the most of each of those packed days.  i’m sure trying.

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i’ll admit it. it’s beginning to get to me.

Posted in bff, bridal diaries, dissertation, drama drama drama, etcetera, i love my life, i promise you that you won't care, Life, me, mirror mirror on the wall, sigh, the engaged life, the glass is half FULL, wish i may wish i might on June 3, 2009 by drbolte

last night, while i was sitting in institute, i realized that i have about zero weekends between now and the wedding that are not already planned/carved out/offer no opportunities for relaxation or beach trips.

this weekend: friend of bff’s visits, i meet for the first time despite having an email/facebook/texting relationship. i will be cleaning. also, one of my roommates is moving out for reals (i.e. she’s been gone for a while, but her furniture’s still there, so…she’s really leaving this weekend.  so…there’s that.

next weekend: otown for bridal gown bolero shopping/measurements/planning. take dress to be altered. father’s day.

weekend after that: in NC (finally! i haven’t been home since march and not since i was officially engaged) with mom, doing all sorts of wedding stuff that will hopefully alleviate some stress but is likely to be jampacked with wedding stuff, including meeting with my NC bridesmaids to talk dresses and jewelry and squee a little and my bridesmaid/photographer to talk shot lists and to get her what she needs.

weekend after that: my first shower in otown, filled with people i don’t really know yet very well. note: this is the weekend before i begin teaching my summer class(es).

weekend after that: 4th of July. i’m guessing we’ll be up north frolicking on the boat with the bff’s family. sounds like restfulness, but it’s still somewhere to be on my best behavior. depending on the teaching schedule, i may or may not bow out of this. however, i get friday off…so maybe it won’t be so bad.

weekend after that: my NC shower. i fly out on friday night, attend the shower on saturday late morning (which i’m REALLY excited about), fly out on sunday afternoon.

weekend after that: my gville shower on friday night (aka girls night…). saturday i have free, but will likely collapse. or, don’t forget, that i’ll be teaching, so i’ll probably be grading grading grading grading.

weekend after that: the weekend before i move, aka the packing weekend. i very much doubt i’ll get much done before that.

weekend after that: we move all of our stuff into our new apartment. as of right now, me and my stuff will be homeless for about 2 1/2 days.  i’m hoping to use my considerable powers of persuasion to convince the apartment complex to let me stay. we’ll see how that flies. but i will take up residence in our new place that day, and the bff will stay at his place until we’re married.

weekend after that: WEDDING!

this sounds like complaining, doesn’t it.  i’m not complaining.  i’m just…absolutely overwhelmed by the magnitude of it all.  my attitude used to be to chuckle and say WHOOO! when i talked about how crazy things were going to be.  but i’m tired already, and i think it’s simply the weight of everything that stands between now and august 8th.

i have classes to plan for that i haven’t even started, really, other than constructing a syllabus. i have an online gig that i have to finish. i have to find out if i’ll be teaching another upper-division class in the fall and, if so, i’ve got to plan that deal because i sincerely doubt that they’re going to let me not have a syllabus to them as it gets to be a month or so before classes begin. i have a room to pack and, what’s more, i have TONS of crap to wade through and get rid of.

(luckily, mom is doing a yard sale in NC when i’m there the first time, so i’ll be hauling copious amounts of stuff up there to see if i can sell it. if not, it will go to goodwill there and i will be done with it. but when will i have time to gather all of that stuff together?)

and let’s not even talk about the dissertation, which i haven’t touched in a month. at all.

this all sounds like complaining still.  like everyone doesn’t have a busy life.

i know.

i’m venting.

it’s my blog. it’s where i do such things.

but…how? how do i do it all? the bff, oh how i love him, says i can do anything and, thus, i can do everything.  i adore him for thinking that, but i want to know HOW.  how can i do it all?  how can i get everything done?

it seems impossible.  truly.

and how do i keep my wits about me when all the world is losing theirs?

oh, let’s face it…when i’m losing mine?

suggestions? is this normal? am i a bridezilla?

i think i have lost all perspective.

love is forever.

Posted in bff, i love my life, love thursdays, superheckyes, the glass is half FULL, wish i may wish i might on March 20, 2009 by drbolte

i’m getting married.

let’s all take a moment, shall we?

I’M GETTING MARRIED.

i would say finally, because i have waited a VERY LONG TIME, or so it seems, for this day. but oddly, it doesn’t feel like a finally moment. it instead feels like all of the waiting, working, wondering, wishing, praying, hoping, and moving forward in faith was absolutely worth it.

i’d do it all again in a heartbeat.

he is worth the wait.

a friend, who i haven’t spoken to in a while, asked me how i knew it was right.  this is what i told her.

just the way it happened…it had a life of its own, but not in that really crazy manic way. just in a slow, steady, full of the Spirit, you know already where it’s going but it’s happening in its own time way.

we are partners.

we slipped really quickly into roles that we thought that we would not be good at, but we are together.  he makes everything easier for me and challenges me at the same time.  i love who i am around him.  he quiets the chaos of the world for me, and makes it easier to face life.

he makes me laugh.

we are best friends, at the core of everything, and we also have chemistry and are crazy in love.

it never occurred to me that it wasn’t right because everything about it is good.

and the way it happened–very slowly, very deliberately, very clearly orchestrated by Someone other than me–made it pretty clear as well.

and finally, i can’t imagine a day without him in it.

i am getting married.

can i get a WOOT up in here?

stories, details, and plans later. i promise.

and it descends…like something scary that descends.

Posted in books are bliss, drama drama drama, going quietly mad, Life, me, wish i may wish i might, you have to be a chick to understand on March 19, 2009 by drbolte

sometimes i really hate being a girl.

or maybe i just hate recognizing that once a month, like clockwork, i go irrational. completely, fruit-loopy, mood-swingy, irrational.

before, maybe i just did it and didn’t realize it.  now i recognize it, am completely self-aware, and yet seem to have little power to pull myself completely out of it.  so lately, i’ve just been trying to internalize it and minimize the collateral damage.

funny thing about that. it causes this whole internal drama that nobody really knows about. they think everything’s fine.  i feel insecure, crazy, and ready to lose my mind.

for about forty eight to sixty hours. then it blows over.

but in the meantime, it has the enveloping power of blindness. let me explain.  AMAZING things have happened in the last couple of days. all of them are answers to prayers.

perfect apartment found and applied for. check.

bff got two job interviews, both of which could be amazing and both of which he’ll be stellar at.  check.

i randomly sent my resume to a private school in the area and got an email back saying that they think i would be a perfect match for their school and while they may only have a part-time position open (three classes), they’d very much like to meet with me.  money? a job? people who want me and think i’m qualified? check.

and yet…i feel meh.  i cry about stupid crap that doesn’t matter, disappointments that are so ridiculously temporary. i worry about things that are stupid and irrational.  i beat myself up for not following through on my insane plan to get up after 4ish hours of sleep and go do megacardio at the gym at 7 a.m. i don’t cut myself any slack while at the same time i get selfish. i stop being grateful and start being greedy for what i want when i want it.

(that’s never a good sign, by the way.)

and for all the attempts to shake myself out it–and i am good at it most times–i find myself having to do it over and over and over again. it’s exhausting. i’m very tired.

i’m ready for the crazy to leave again.  but until then, i may find a little patch of sunny grass, a blanket, and a book and stay there for a while.

here and now.

Posted in bff, c, dissertation, etcetera, faith is action, Life, me, wish i may wish i might on January 21, 2009 by drbolte

brookem wrote a beautiful post about posts she hasn’t written and couldn’t possibly write.

i echo her sentiments, and post only to add this: if i learn anything in the next few weeks and months, i hope it is to live in the moment.  i am, if you hadn’t already guessed, the big picture girl.  i think broadly, abstractly, often looking towards what will happen next.  i don’t think i do enough to enjoy the exact moment that i am in.

or do as much with it as i could.

i still find myself trying desperately to make everything fit into the time that i’ve been given, yet waste time fretting about how to do it instead of digging deep and using each moment in the best way possible.

i worry instead.  i worry about how to do everything  perfectly, not realizing that by worrying i waste an opportunity to do something.

i don’t know if this will make any sense to anyone else, or if i’m just putting it out there in the hopes that it will make sense to me.

i feel certain that i have to just let go, let go of the micromanaging instinct, let go of the insecurities that tell me that i can’t do it, let go of the fear that i’ll fail, let go of wondering what will happen next, and just fall into whatever it is that is so clearly ahead of me.

(that seems like a weird hodgepodge of imagery to me, freefalling and being led down new paths, but it feels appropriate.)

that’s scary, you know?

but as i’m being reminded recently, you can’t be brave without being scared. and you can’t be brave without making the choice to be so.

that’s my new goal.  forget the goals about shred (i’m still doing it…) and chapters and dance classes and books to read.

i just want to be brave.  in every moment that i can muster it, and even in those when i’m not sure that i can, i want to be brave.  brave enough to choose action over inaction. brave enough to choose words over silence. brave enough to choose silence over panic.  brave enough to choose confidence over doubt, patience over frustration.

brave enough to choose me.

jigsaw.

Posted in all i want for christmas is..., disney princesses got nothin' on me, etcetera, faith is action, i love my life, i promise you that you won't care, Life, magic, mirror mirror on the wall, superheckyes, wish i may wish i might, you have to be a chick to understand on January 7, 2009 by drbolte

i was talking to a friend the other day that i haven’t seen in AGES, and we were trying to catch up as best we could via gchat, which is harder than it may seem. she said that i seemed really happy. today, someone said that i looked like the i was sitting on top of the world.

i am happier than i have been in a long time.

but before you all go rolling your eyes and thinking that you know the reason, it’s far more complicated than that.

going home for the holidays was really good for me in lots of ways.  of course, it was WONDERFUL to see the family that i hadn’t seen in half a year. that’s the longest i’d gone before.  but before i headed home, i think i felt stuck in who i once was.  that sounds odd.  let me back up a bit.  i have talked here about how my mind couldn’t quite catch up to what my body had done. i think that was really true in many ways…like i couldn’t quite embrace who i now was.  all of the changing that i had done–the physical, i think, just serving as a symbol–hadn’t really cemented to me.

the trip home did something funny.  it was like something clicked.

or, if you will, the pieces started falling into place in the right order and at the right time.

i was talking to the BFF (do i need a new name for him? suggestions?) about this and used that metaphor for things that he was excited about, and at the moment that i did, i realized that in so many ways it was true of me as well.

when i looked in the mirror while i was at home, i saw the person that everybody kept telling me i was.

when i was faced with challenging situations, i was the person i hoped that i would be.  or in the moments that i wasn’t, i recognized it and transcended it before i made a situation worse.  in short, i abdicated my throne as the queen of passive aggressiva and just said what i wanted to say.

when i needed to be patient, i was patient–with myself and with others. when i needed faith, it was there.

so i am happy…so much happier than i have been in a long time, but much of that is the direct result of a lot of hard work that i’ve been doing on myself.  and i have to believe that the new amazing things in my life are similarly a result of who i am now…as well as who i always have been.

the pieces, which were all there before but were all wonky and out of sorts, are now all fitting together really, really well. if this makes any sense, i feel more like myself than i have in a long time.  like maybe the pieces that needed to come together were only for me–so that i could realize who i am.

weird.  odd. awesome.

in other news, partially brought on my chickbug’s recent post about the top ten reasons it sucks to have a blog, i’m wondering how much of the good stuff going on in my life you actually want to hear. i definitely don’t want to be that girl who’s like OH HAI GUESS WHAT JUST HAPPENED TO ME DON’T YOU WISH YOU WERE ME I’M SO LUUUUCCCCKKKY? because that girl is that one you want to stifle in whatever manner is available to you or stick gum in her hair or throw things at her or…well you get the picture.  but i also don’t want to be writing about boring crap and doing memes all the time because i am avoiding the things in my life that are crazy good.

so…what’s your philosophy, y’all?  you’re the readers.  and yes, this is my space and, yes, i will ultimately do what i want with it, but…i like you guys. i’d like to keep you around and keep you commenting, if at all possible.  so…share with the good doctor.

i’m listening.

word of the day.

Posted in all i want for christmas is..., disney princesses got nothin' on me, faith is action, me, perfect brightness of hope, superheckyes, the glass is half FULL, The Single Life, wish i may wish i might on December 22, 2008 by drbolte

according to our generation’s answer to the encyclopedia britannica (did i even spell that right?):

moxie:

sass, courage, spunk, determination, attitude

ex: “That girl’s got moxie.”

that girl, of which they speak?

that’s me.