Archive for the wish i may wish i might Category

i give up.

Posted in drama drama drama, faith is action, me, wish i may wish i might, you have to be a chick to understand on October 21, 2008 by drbolte

basically, everything related to interpersonal communication that i attempt today seems to blow up in my face. also, there seems to be a lot of really high stakes stuff going on, and i am apparently not handling it well.

or i am handling it beautifully, and the world around me is going flipping nuts.

so, i give up. i surrender. i am going into a state of painting-focused, job-letter-writing, four-mile-walk/running, speak-only-when-spoken-to-or-only-through-an-electronic-medium exile.

(exiles are always so cool and debonair.)

and hopefully, when i emerge, everyone will have dealt with their crap and left me out of it. i really would like to be left out of it. i have enough of my own to deal with.

i am about to make things worse by saying things i don’t really mean, so i’ll end here.

sometimes, your best doesn’t even feel good enough, you know?

it’s what you do when no one’s looking that’s important.

Posted in etcetera, faith is action, friends, me, wish i may wish i might on October 21, 2008 by drbolte

i don’t think i prize anything more dearly than trustworthiness.

i chose to tell a friend of mine, who i consider to be more like a little sister, that one of the people that she trusted with a confidence had not kept that confidence.  it was something i would want to know, since it was a situation that would likely come up and bite her if she didn’t know, and in the process i fear that i may have educated her in a way of the world that she perhaps didn’t want to be educated in.

it made me sad, but it was what i would want someone to do.  it was what a good friend would do, i think, someone who loves you and wants only the best for you.

i suppose i could have stood by, knowing as i do that others are talking about her, but i couldn’t.  when the story came around to me, i immediately asked the person telling me if this person knew that this was happening.

but i’m the one who feels bad now.  perhaps because i know that the knowledge will hurt this person–if not immediately, than certainly later.  perhaps because i don’t like that i knew.  perhaps because now i realize that all of those times when i have talked behind someone’s back, it really did have an effect–even if i don’t know that person well. perhaps because, even though i know this in my head, i still struggle with it in practice.

perhaps it’s because i love this person and my heart aches for them.

perhaps it’s anger at the person who started it all, as it really shouldn’t have even happened and i don’t understand why it did.

trust is a gift.  i know, because i don’t give it out often.  i don’t understand why other people don’t see it that way.

it makes me love and appreciate the people who keep my trust even more.

they are few and far between, but they are there.  and i treasure them.


Posted in c, etcetera, faith is action, i am not a gym rat, the glass is half FULL, wish i may wish i might on October 5, 2008 by drbolte

saturday was a good day.

i achieved a goal that, despite it being a huge milestone for me, seemed oddly anticlimactic.  i’ll get to that in a minute.  but first, let’s celebrate the awesomeness of me.

on saturday, i participated in my first 5K.  i posted pictures on my facebook profile, which elicited a whole lot of “wow, you’re amazing” and some people thinking that i ran it (which i did not).

this is us just as we began. basically, herded like cattle.

that left me feeling oddly guilty, as if somehow i had purposely misled them.  i didn’t.  nevertheless, i felt like it should have been a much bigger deal than it was.

so i walked 3.1 miles. big deal, right?  i didn’t run.  i didn’t even walk exceptionally quickly.  i walk more than that at the gym with much steeper inclines.  what’s the big deal?

i can’t really explain it, except to say that five years ago, such a feat would have been an impossiblity.  so, for me, it meant something. it was a way of showing how far i’ve come. but when i made that goal, i thought it would be a much BIGGER deal. like i would end it feeling triumphant and like i had really accomplished something.

i didn’t.

happy as i was, and as congratulatory as some people have been, all it made me want to do was MORE.

before i got there that day, i was pondering whether or not i could actually run.  i’ve been thinking about that quite a lot lately. am i willing to try? do i have the capacity? the silent prayer in my heart, kept silent through fear that i would fall on my face, was “can i even DO this?”

but when i got there, when it started, when i saw other people running, i wanted to.  i just wanted to take off.  a couple of times, i fell behind my group to take a picture and ran to catch up. and it was fun.

so as much as my 5K for breast cancer showed me where i had been, it showed me where i am going as well.

i am running a 5K, i hope before christmas.

i would like to run/walk a 10K and a halfmarathon too. i am under no illusions about how tough it will be.  but i’m tough too.  and i think i’m ready.

and that’s just so totally cool, i can’t even tell you.

sometimes i wonder who i have turned into because i keep surprising even myself.

the one thing NOT on my to-do list.

Posted in blogging, dissertation, i'm so much cooler online, the internets, will work for food, wish i may wish i might on September 24, 2008 by drbolte

i am tired.

it’s a good kind of tired, i suppose, but tired nonetheless.

and it’s only wednesday.

before october 1st, i have about one million things to do.

yeah, i don’t know why i’m here either.

except to say that i’m going to san francisco in december. to interview for jobs that i have yet to apply for.  i made my reservations at the hotel yesterday, with a friend who’s going to split the room with me.  we’re about five blocks from chinatown and close to union square. she’s never been to SF and i haven’t been there in AGES, so since we’ll be there for MANY days (saturday through tuesday…it feels like many when you’re paying san francisco prices which interestingly enough are less than detroit prices), i feel that sightseeing will be in order.

when we were sitting there in front of the computer, about to click the “reserve” button, my heart nearly pounded out of my chest.


please pray that i will get lots of interviews.  i can’t imagine how depressing it would be to go, spend the money, and then have no interviews to show for it.  we’ll mix and mingle and be incredibly schmoozey, to build relationships, but still. my cv isn’t the strongest, but there’s creativity in my work and a diversity in my approach.  if i can get interviews, i can sell them.  i am a good interviewer.

bah. can’t think about it.

yesterday i also had a job search meeting with the job search guru, the assistant/associate/idon’tknowtherightterm graduate coordinator.  he’s awesome and answers all of my random questions without making me feel like i am a) crazy and b) needy (both of which i most certainly am, a little bit, when it comes to this subject).

i asked him about this blog.

i’ve been wondering if it’s a liability, given that i talk about the dissertation, my life, teaching, shoes, and all manner of ridiculousness that surrounds my life as a grad student.  once upon a time, he said that they googled people, or might, in the course of job searches.  that makes sense. i google things all of the time.

(my best friend makes me google things from australia. i am the googler.)

but i wondered if somehow because this was not a particularly anonymous blog, if it would hurt me.  i got to thinking…i am not ashamed of anything that i’ve written here.  i could answer questions about it in an interview, if needed.

what i didn’t expect was for amazing job search guru to tell me to USE IT.  that if i felt comfortable enough, i could use it as evidence of my engagement with a larger cultural/textual community.

i don’t think i will, but it sure made me feel better. he said “talking to you about it, it’s pretty clear it’s not at all a negative.” and that made me very happy, and will make you happy because it made me reconsider getting rid of this blog and starting a new, anonymous one.  which you didn’t even know i was thinking about, did you?

yeah, i don’t tell you everything.

last thing, which is actually quite exciting to me and that fact is rather pathetic, is that i get to go office supply shopping on friday or saturday.  i have to get printer ink (oy. i’ll be bankrupt in seconds.) and highlighters, printer paper, and some sort of system by which to keep track of my job search stuff. i’m thinking posterboard to make a chart and some stickers or something. like elementary school!  yay!  i’m imagining that it will take me quite a while to figure out my system.  if, you know, by a while you mean the fifteen minutes i allot myself before the alarm bell in my head that tells me i have hundreds of pages to read and many more pages to write and WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT PENS YOU CRAZY?!?

but it should be fun.

back to the to-do list, which contains items like “shower” and “get dressed” because, really, those are important markers of a successful day.

and if i don’t schedule them, they may not get done.


twenty-seven and counting.

Posted in dissertation, will work for food, wish i may wish i might on September 18, 2008 by drbolte

read the post below. it’s way zen.

this one? not so much that way. fair warning.

so, i thought the job list was a one-time deal. you know, people publish their positions ONCE on that quarter’s job list.


it gets updated.

every week.

so now, every couple of days, my director sends me another job that she’s heard about, not even from the job list, which i haven’t checked since monday but imagine will have four hundred and eighty seven thousand more entries for me to wade through.

every week.

and every listing that she sends me is, of course, perfect for me.

all this to say that, as each job comes in, i begin to feel a little more weight lodge quietly yet firmly in my chest.  because, see, i could deal with twenty five jobs.  but it’s going to be much more than that.  looking for a job is a job in and of itself. i knew that. i just didn’t realize that it was going to require organization like this.  and effort like this. and money like this.

and confidence like this.

i don’t know how to do it all.

i mean, i have to, but i don’t know how.

i want to, but i don’t know how.


Posted in dissertation, etcetera, ghetto life, i am not a gym rat, Life, me, perfect brightness of hope, wish i may wish i might on August 12, 2008 by drbolte

i’m sitting here watching olympic men’s beach volleyball on tv, contemplating taking advil for the fairly persistent headache i’ve had the past few nights (my body rebelling against bob costas olympic coverage, i wonder? i doubt it.  i hearts me some bob costas, with his deep voice and his ability to make anyone cry with the story of anyone doing most anything. in fact, i do believe that i am now having flashbacks to a dream i had as a child–perhaps shortly after the 1984 olympics (oh good heavens did i just say that out loud on the internets?)–where bob costas narrated my life as an olympian.  or it’s possible that i just made that up because i’ve eaten one too many cinnamon cereal clusters.  regardless, i loves me some bob costas) and trying to figure out my new schedule.

see, i don’t know if you know this or not but i am now embarking on the grand new adventure of having NOTHING WHATSOEVER TO DO.

you know, except a giant fat dissertation.

and to be cute, which takes SO much more energy and effort than it seems.

and to flip out about the future.

but let’s concentrate on the fact that my routine, normally determined by when i have to teach and work and hold office hours, is now entirely in my control.  i mean, starting in the fall semester i will be back freezing my carcass off in the reading and writing center, helping one and helping all to focus their paragraphs in their attempts to save the world one personal statement at a time.

it’s a rewarding work, let me tell you.

but really, i can work when i want to. so when the email came asking me when i wanted to work, i asked for mornings.

let’s stop for a moment to soak that in.


because my goal, fine readerly friends, is to be A MORNING PERSON.

let me tell you how this usually works.  i stay up too late–for example, watching the very exciting men’s gymnastics final on tv last night until the feed froze during a japanese gymnast’s high bar revolution, which was kind of creepy and totally annoying because it’s not like NBC is TiVO and is just going to start where they left of and OH MY GOSH there was pommelhorse going on and what happened with that guy who was notoriously inconsistent and you see how i’d be awake still–but plan to wake up early.  i set my alarm, the same alarm that i’ve had since i was 12 and just starting junior high–because in CA that’s what it is–and the alarm that still wakes me up but with whom i have a love hate relationship.  meaning that i hit the snooze button an insane amount of times and then hate my alarm for not doing its job better by, say, growing legs and kicking me (gently?) in the face until i wake.

but by then, i’m at least an hour off of my ambitious MORNING PERSON schedule, and i feel like it’s totally fine if i just eat a blueberry bagel in my bed while watching i love lucy because the whole MORNING PERSON thing hasn’t really worked out thus far.  or my grand ambitions of running up and down the stairs is thwarted–THWARTED!–by rain.

you see how i could get the idea such a routine is not organically familiar.

but i’m thinking that is what i want.  i tell you all of this because now is the time when i get to set a routine.  now, when i’m without distraction and can set my own schedule, undeterred and undaunted.

and i have decided that i want to be that morning person that gets up and goes and works out and then comes home and is all chipper and happy and spends hours in the library NOT surfing the internets or blogging about inanity but churning out page after page of brilliance.

because as much as i’d like to think that i can get things done at night, that i am more productive in the evening, i am sitting here with a pile of unread articles on ann radcliffe and all i am thinking about is advil and the complete oddity that they are playing beach volleyball in china.


we’ll see.

…this is your brain on dissertation.

Posted in blogging, dissertation, i am not a gym rat, mirror mirror on the wall, School, teaching, wish i may wish i might on July 6, 2008 by drbolte

so i realized something today.

it’s not a grand revelation. in fact, if you’ve been around for about the last three weeks, you’ve probably realized it before i did today on the phone with my mom.

i have three main topics of conversation/focus right now: school/class, dissertation, and working out/eating stuff that’s not crap.

i think a lot about those things. i do a lot regarding those things. i fret a lot about those things.  i am alternately successful and a total failure at those things (more towards success of late–knock wood–than failure).  i do very little else.

i mean, i watch t.v. i go to church. i talk to my roommates occasionally.  sporadic fun is mixed in there.  but for the most part, that’s it.  for those not interested in those three things (*cough*98% of the human population, since dogs and cats are always interested in what you have to say as long as it happens in their general direction *cough*), i can only imagine that this blog has been a utter snoozefest of late.

i would apologize, but then again–these three things are the things that are most important to me right now. they are the things that will help me achieve my main goals.  they are the things that i SHOULD be focused on.

that’s not to say that the random ode to the blueberry bagel won’t still occur, or updates on my nonexistent love life, or recounts of sad instances of me sticking my foot squarely in my mouth, but i just wanted to acknowledge the fact that, yes, i am singleminded in my focus.  or tripleminded.  something like that.

and, no, i don’t expect all of you to be excited nor to stick around for that.

that makes me rather sad to say.  i had gotten very excited about the prospect of my blog getting more traffic, of diversifying my reader base, and all of those cool things that happen when you have the time, energy, and motivation to write really amazing things.

but see…those really amazing things? need to be about ann radcliffe. and jane austen. and charlotte smith. and helen maria williams. and mary wollstonecraft. and dorothy wordsworth.

and i can’t really publish here what i will write in my dissertation because…well…i’d like it to still be unique and unpublished by someone else when i am done.  you know, closely guarding my own brilliance for future gain.  perhaps not the way that socrates anticipated learning but it is the way of the world now. dissertations are on lockdown.

i’ve been thinking about writing about my class, but i feel hindered doing that because the things i want to say are very specific and this forum is very public.  password protecting the posts seems counterproductive–if i want to write about it in private, i can write about it in private.  but i don’t.  i want to tell you all what’s going on, but i also feel very strongly that i need to keep everything about my classes broad and nonspecific.  focused on me, perhaps, which i have done. but what i want to say is not focused on me.  so i don’t say it.

and while i probably do have lots to say about working out and eating right, since i’m probably getting more excitement and rejuvenation from that area of my life than i am from anything else (although the dissertation is looking up right now), this is not a weight loss/exercise blog.  and i don’t want to make it into that.

when i was reading in my new self-help book about writing a dissertation in 15 minutes a day (which is just fridiculously amazing), it talked about writing a zero draft…just sort of sitting down and letting all of your thoughts come pouring out without editing. i did that the other night focused on the draft i’m working on right now, my mind full of questions that seemed unanswerable, organizational problems that seem insurmountable.  here’s a snippet that doesn’t give anything at all away:

…Heaven help me if I know how to merge them all together.  I think that’s what’s stopping me. I just don’t know how to make the thinking align.  It’s all part of the big grand whole, I know that…but how to make it not feel choppy together in a chapter?

Or do I just give up and make it two chapters?  That feels like a copout. There’s got to be a way. I just don’t know what it is now.

as i was writing this post, i realized that’s where my head is at right now about the blog. and lots of the disparate parts of my life that don’t really fit into that three-fold mission.

i know i love the blog.

i know i want to keep it.

i just don’t know how to do what i once did while i’m funneling all of my energy into other things.  i don’t know how to not turn it into something boring and utterly inaccessible.  i don’t know HOW to keep it being what it is.

my mind is full of questions.  please forgive me if i mull them in silence a while before trying to work them out in words.

letters, the “i don’t have time to think about anything other than this” edition.

Posted in books are bliss, dissertation, oh so very random, wish i may wish i might, you want me to walk HOW far? on June 12, 2008 by drbolte

dear makers of sara lee deluxe blueberry bagels,

i love you.

no, really.

i don’t know what you put in them (a little crack, maybe?), but they are magnificent. they make the twenty minutes after my workout adventures bliss.

and i just read this and apparently you’re exactly what i need. ’cause i put peanut butter on them and they are magic. pure magic. and now, i can feel even better about that magic, because it’s good magic. magical magic.

not that i didn’t know that before. because i knew. oh yeah. i knew.

thank you from the bottom of my empty stomach.

yours in superfood carboyhydrate adoration,

your stalker fan for life.

dear dead ann radcliffe, famous author of gothic novels,

why are they so long?

why are they so boring?

why are they, nonetheless, so important to my dissertation so i have to keep reading them…all…and taking notes on them because you subtly work in all of these amazing elements of travel and the thematic focus of liberty versus restraint and all of the other things that i am writing about?


sentimentally yours,


dear elliptical,

i know we’ve had our differences. i know i used to scoff at the girls who were on you FOREVER at the gym. i couldn’t understand why they weren’t DONE already it had been an hour oh my gosh.

i was stupid.

i get it now. you are weirdly fascinating. you make sixty minutes of sweat-pouring punishment actually seem like fun. i don’t understand it. i don’t aim to try to understand it.

all i know is that i hoist my carcass out of bed earlier and earlier for you every morning, and i’m excited by the numbers we’ll crack. will i make it through 15 songs on the iPod today? will you squeak in that weird way that you do when the stride is 500+? will i have to deal with the incomings and outgoings of a multitude of maintenance men and management personnel because your placement in the “workout” room is also where the bathrooms are?

it doesn’t matter.

because i like you. i REALLY like you.

i hope you’ll forgive me my earlier snap judgments and continue to beat the heck out of me for as long as we both shall live. (or at least until i start going to the gym again to run on the treadmill which YOU, dear elliptical, will have made possible for me.)

with the love i only offer to inanimate exercise machines,

your favorite 10am fixture.

dear job,

i think we need some time apart.

i’m grateful for you. i know i am blessed by you. some days, i even have fun with you.

but as of now, i am kinda over you.

two more shifts and we will be parted for at least two months. i think a break is what we need, to remember why we appreciate each other. to remember what it is that’s good about our relationship.

i’ll go about my business, teaching smart english majors about Romantic writers, writing two more dissertation chapters, saving the world. you’ll go about yours, employing poor graduate students, improving grammar and writing skills, freezing employees to death as they sit in your hyper-refrigerated cave-like office.

i’m ready for the break. i may miss you. i don’t know. but i know i’ll be back. because, if nothing else, you pay for bagels.

and some days, that’s all that matters.

enjoy the rest of the summer. i know i will enjoy mine…

tutor girl.

dear scale,



me, who couldn’t possibly be doing anything more.

dear dissertation director,

while it’s summer and i understand that you are out of town doing things with your family that are very important and you are working on your own book and probably getting ready to teach in the fall and doing brilliant things in your own career and are busy with other dissertations because surprise the world does not in fact revolve around me and i so respect and appreciate the fact that you emailed me to tell me that you had in fact received that chapter that i sent you and i am grateful that you are so kind to me when i randomly send you things out of the blue in the middle of a tuesday night, could you maybe hurry up and read it so that i could send it to the other members of my committee so that i can feel like i am progressing and most importantly because nothing is as important as what we do with whiteboard markers so that something could move on my flowchart freakout board?


thanks. i’m gonna buy you a big present at the end of all of this, i promise. although i’m beginning to think me being done and out of your hair?

biggest. gift. of. all.

respectfully yours,

yes, i’m working on another chapter and not sitting around, i promise!

30 in 180.

Posted in blogging, books are bliss, Church, dissertation, domestic goddess, faith is action, friends, gators, ghetto life, i hate vegetables, Life, me, mirror mirror on the wall, School, someday I'll be a real middle class girl, sports, the internets, the joys of living in Florida, The Single Life, wish i may wish i might, you want me to walk HOW far? with tags on May 20, 2008 by drbolte

if you frequent copper boom, you know of the 101 in 1001.

(…and not to seem like a broken record, but you should be. right now. because girlfriend needs some costume help and i am of the atrocious when it comes to this area, so go help her out. seriously. i’m not important. click on it. then come back. not going anywhere.)

if you’ve been around here for very long, you know that i have a life list. it’s at 27. i haven’t looked it in a while. it’s sort of sad. well, i’ve been thinking lately (and after just reading lindzML’s list again, which is just about the perfect combination of daunting and fun) that i need to really set some goals for myself. i do better when i have a list of things that i want to check off.

so, since i don’t have 1001 days left here, nor can i even conceive of much beyond about october or early november because SO.MUCH.WILL.BE.HAPPENING!, i shortened my list and made a 30 in 180.

and since i’m all about the accountability, here we go. i’ll probably put it off to the side, too, because i really am going all single white female on lindz, apparently, but more because it will be like HEY! GET OFF YOUR BUTT AND GO RUNNING! or HEY! GO SMASH SOME STUFF AND MAKE A MOSAIC! DO IT!

you know. motivation.

so…the 30 things i’d like to accomplish in the next 180 days:

1. run for three miles straight. without dying and/or stopping.

2. finish five chapters of the dissertation.

3. lose 25 pounds. or two dress sizes. (and before you yell…trust me, i do have this much to lose. it’s a pound a week. and i can do it. i just have to really do it.)

4. resist the impulse to dye my hair again. it needs a break–or it really will break. also, figure out if this natural curl thing is something i can actually work to my benefit.

5. exercise at least four times a week. no matter what.

6. go to the beach four times. don’t get burned.

7. make a mosaic table for the my living room.

8. finish my hecka big crossstitch project.

9. don’t give up. but keep to the schedule. (and this doesn’t make any sense to you for a reason. sorry.)

10. present a paper at a conference.

11. submit at least two things for publication that are related to my field.

12. get my eyes checked. buy new glasses that are supersassy, young but professional, and actually wear them.

13. look for a great interview suit. don’t buy one until it makes me feel amazing and beautiful and like i can take over the world when i’m in it.

14. go to the doctor. it’s been too long.

15. be vigilant about visiting teaching. pray to have the fire to do it.

16. feed the missionaries once a month–even if it is inconvenient and even if they are a little bit lame.

17. eat vegetables or fruit at least twice a day. in general, make them much more a part of my diet.

18. write in my journal once a month. the blog’s not the same thing.

19. flirt. shamelessly. at every opportunity.

20. read anna karenina. finally. this time for real.

21. experiment with a recipe to make it healthier–maybe the muffin recipe. try a new recipe out of my cookbook.

22. apply for jobs. a lot of jobs. be organized about it. be on top of it. and be FEARLESS.

23. be a better friend. just in general. to most of my friends.

24. keep paying off the credit card at the end of every month. PAY DOWN THE DEBT.

25. reread the book of mormon. three pages a day will get it done. keep a study journal. be serious about study, not just reading.

26. be an amazing gator football fan. watch as many games as i can. go to as many as i can.

27. have an awesome and outrageous halloween costume. it’s my last one here. make it count.

28. buy and wear cute shoes that don’t kill my feet.

29. invest in cute jewelry. and quality makeup. and yummy lipgloss. and more music (or find more people willing to make me mixes…).

30. keep learning to live within my means. there’s a way to do it all. and if there’s not…choose wisely.

so that’s that. comment if you wish, especially if you have ideas for how to accomplish any of these. but if you want to yell at me because you think i’m crazy, could you…not?


what a girl wants.

Posted in blogging, books are bliss, disney princesses got nothin' on me, dissertation, domestic goddess, drama drama drama, facebook is the new crack, i hate vegetables, i love my life, i promise you that you won't care, i'm so much cooler online, me, someday I'll be a real middle class girl, teaching, the internets, the joys of living in Florida, wish i may wish i might on May 19, 2008 by drbolte

i want to fill up my gas tank without thinking about how it’s as much as i spent for electricity…for the entire month of april.

i want a body that lets me eat a pop tart without regard to its caloric content.

i want a world where women are paid the same as men for the same job.

i want to go on facebook and not see naked people. seriously.

i want people to be naturally kind.

i want to barbecue hot dogs.  i love them all burned and crinkly.

i want dissertation committees to pay by the word. or at least not make me read boring crap.

i want to be able to be good at everything that i try. everything. even sport.

i want a puppy.

i want it to rain for two straight days, a steady rain that will make the green go back to lush and will, as a bonus, wash my car. for free. and get all the lovebug remnants off of the grill.

i want to get up from this chair and make something yummy for dinner. i want that yummy to be sublimely yummy.

i want plane tickets to be cheap and the travel experience to be one that resembles a spa weekend rather than herding and penning cattle.

i want my rug to stop buckling, bending, shifting, and in general moving around from the wonderful place that i put it. it’s really starting to annoy me.

i want postage to stop going up. i hate having to supplement my stamp.

i want to not burn in the sun, or at least to finally figure out that magical time when the sunscreen stops being effective.

i want to find something amazing to do this weekend.  beach? pool? river floating? sprinklers? water balloons? obviously something related to water.

i want an unlimited supply of strawberries. it’s the food that screams summer to me.

i want to understand everything right now.  but at this moment, i could take understanding one thing.  what that one thing is varies from moment to moment.

i want my hair to be amazing, thick, luscious, and wonderful instead of fine and needing a cut and not as thick as it used to be (and how do i make it thicker? i need more hair.).

i want to have a dance party in my living room.  life needs more dancing.

what do you want?