Archive for the wish i may wish i might Category

soggy, but solid.

Posted in all i want for christmas is..., fall is football, gators, i love my life, i love youtube--so sue me, superheckyes, the glass is half FULL, the joys of living in Florida, wish i may wish i might, you should really worship me on November 30, 2008 by drbolte

“are you there in all that rain? GO GATORS!”–a text message i got in the middle of the second quarter at the FSU/UF game in tallahassee.

“heck to the yes! GO GATORS!”–my reply.

i spent the better part of my saturday completely and thoroughly wet.  if not for the heavy duty plastic poncho that my roommate’s dad thought to send with her, i’d have been soaked to the skin and likely hooked up to IV antibiotics by now.

instead, i wore heavy duty clear plastic, thanked the genetic lottery for the natural curl in my hair, and did the gator chomp with reckless abandon.

and gasped when harvin was injured.

but we won’t talk about that.

and thrilled when tebow got VERY ticked off directly after that play, told us all in the stands to get buck wild, and gator chomped in our general direction.

and then scored.

it was a good weekend.

picture me early on, dressed in my “i bleed orange and blue” t-shirt, jeans, and blue and orange beads, standing in the FSU north endzone stands right next to the band, as we kept scoring IN THE POURING RAIN, and then add this soundtrack:

that’s a pretty solid snapshot.

(don’t talk to me about how i felt at the end, when the wind started blowing and i was freezing and STARVING.TO.DEATH.  but there for a good 45 minutes? i was gene kelly.

which just sound way weirder than it needs to.)

GO GATORS.

(and dear santa, please let harvin’s ankle heal by friday. kthanksbye.)

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brought to you by the letter blech and the number 405,678.

Posted in all i want for christmas is..., etcetera, forward my mail, me, sigh, TV and me are pals, will work for food, wish i may wish i might on October 29, 2008 by drbolte

you didn’t know that blech was a letter?

it is. i just added it to the alphabet of my world because sometimes you don’t have the wherewithal to think of anything else to explain how you feel.  except the new letter blech.  and also, it reminds me of sesame street, which always makes me happy. did you know that maria is doing commercials for cox cable now? telling parents that they can check out a new website so that they can review things like “the omen” to see if they are child appropriate?

(let me just say no, and let us all move on with our lives.)

yeah, i didn’t know either until i spent an entire week pivoting between three places–my bed, my desk where the printer is, and my bathroom.  with periodic trips to the kitchen and post office, this is my life.  so i watch a LOT of TV (and holy sweetness i’ve hit a new low if young and the restless is playing on my TV hold on i have to change it and oh good i love lucy).  and so i am up to date on all of the cable commercials because what else are they going to play in the middle of the day when no one except people with the plague are watching?

not that i have the plague. let me not alarm the masses. i feel like, until about…uhm…three hours ago, i was stuck in neutral in sickland, where i didn’t feel SO bad that i couldn’t do anything but i felt bad enough that i couldn’t do much. so i vacillated between guilt and mehness a lot.

but now we seem to have downshifted into a real cold that real girls get, so i feel less like an imposter and more like i might miss halloween.  which i should be upset about, i suppose, but i sort of don’t care that much.

i was going to be a ladybug, you see. i made antenna and everything. we’ll see. maybe i’ll muster enough energy to dress up to take pictures with my roommates. or maybe i’ll just stay in my pajamas.  i’ll let you guess which one i’m leaning toward right now.

did you know that this is the last week of october?  THE LAST WEEK OF OCTOBER. as in we’re closer to thanksgiving and christmas than we were before and OH MY GOSH where did the time go and it’s GAME ON time.

(some of you will understand what that means.  those of you who understand what it means, please understand that in my current condition, i am not feel so very hopeful about such games.)

but that’s neither here nor there.

i don’t really remember why it is that i thought that i should write, except to tell you that i went to the post office yesterday and mailed something like twelve job applications, and did three more online, and some people will be glad to know that at least five of those were east of the mississippi. and i stepped on the scale and nearly fell off of it again because the number was one i hadn’t seen in my adult life. i stepped back on to see if it was mocking me again (it does that sometimes, teasing me with a low number the first time and then giving me the real, higher number all subsequent times) and it wasn’t. doesn’t make any sense, and i fear that it will slingshot back one i am not laying around all day, but isn’t that counterintuitive and what the heck do i care how about i just say YAHOO!

but the REAL point is that i have so very very very much to do, but feel it a tender mercy that i am not freaking out about it. i just keep plugging away, hoping that my best, right now, is good enough to turn someone’s employment-decision-making head or that, if it’s not, my Heavenly Father will make up the difference.

i have chapters to finish, you know.  i’m behind.  and yet, i can’t really freak out about it, even though i have 405,678 things to do before, like, november.

oh, look. there’s the freaking.  good times.

it’s cold and i’m going back to my blankets.  i’ll bring this here computer with me and try to conjure brilliance. or at least use it for its warmth.

redeeming this day.

Posted in all i want for christmas is..., dissertation, faith is action, me, perfect brightness of hope, the glass is half FULL, The Single Life, will work for food, wish i may wish i might on October 27, 2008 by drbolte

nine jobs applied for, three of which i actually really, really want.  total number of jobs i really really want and have now applied for, in case you are keeping tabs at home?  4.  all of which are west of the mississippi.

an all-day west wing marathon soothed the savage beast of this sore throat that seems interminable.  even theraflu didn’t really help.  cereal with milk, though, does.  odd, although not.  the milk likely coats my throat…and then makes it worse. good job, drbolte.

i am so looking forward to tomorrow, she says not at all sarcastically, because i found someone to work for me and it will be COLD tomorrow, so i’ll be able to bundle up like i did, sort of, today and stay in bed all day again with my laptop and will myself to finish the rest of these letters.  it’s awfully intimidating, you know, to try to sell yourself. i was planning on completely reworking every letter, but i end up really just sort of retooling the first paragraph and the last paragraph.  i think that’s probably okay.

i think it will be scary to put these all in the mailbox. i got to wondering recently when i’d start hearing back.  i think maybe soon?  i had to change my voicemail from the adorable message i had before–which said “you’ve reached the ridiculously adorable [drbolte]. you may proceed to worship me after the beep.”–to a boring, professional one.  ah, the travails of a job searcher.

but i’m grateful for every one of these jobs that give me hope.  genuinely i am.  odds are better, right?  all i need is one. one solid, good, awesome tenure track job.

i only need one good man too.

but that’s a whole other topic.

keep your fingers crossed on both accounts, okay?

i give up.

Posted in drama drama drama, faith is action, me, wish i may wish i might, you have to be a chick to understand on October 21, 2008 by drbolte

basically, everything related to interpersonal communication that i attempt today seems to blow up in my face. also, there seems to be a lot of really high stakes stuff going on, and i am apparently not handling it well.

or i am handling it beautifully, and the world around me is going flipping nuts.

so, i give up. i surrender. i am going into a state of painting-focused, job-letter-writing, four-mile-walk/running, speak-only-when-spoken-to-or-only-through-an-electronic-medium exile.

(exiles are always so cool and debonair.)

and hopefully, when i emerge, everyone will have dealt with their crap and left me out of it. i really would like to be left out of it. i have enough of my own to deal with.

i am about to make things worse by saying things i don’t really mean, so i’ll end here.

sometimes, your best doesn’t even feel good enough, you know?

it’s what you do when no one’s looking that’s important.

Posted in etcetera, faith is action, friends, me, wish i may wish i might on October 21, 2008 by drbolte

i don’t think i prize anything more dearly than trustworthiness.

i chose to tell a friend of mine, who i consider to be more like a little sister, that one of the people that she trusted with a confidence had not kept that confidence.  it was something i would want to know, since it was a situation that would likely come up and bite her if she didn’t know, and in the process i fear that i may have educated her in a way of the world that she perhaps didn’t want to be educated in.

it made me sad, but it was what i would want someone to do.  it was what a good friend would do, i think, someone who loves you and wants only the best for you.

i suppose i could have stood by, knowing as i do that others are talking about her, but i couldn’t.  when the story came around to me, i immediately asked the person telling me if this person knew that this was happening.

but i’m the one who feels bad now.  perhaps because i know that the knowledge will hurt this person–if not immediately, than certainly later.  perhaps because i don’t like that i knew.  perhaps because now i realize that all of those times when i have talked behind someone’s back, it really did have an effect–even if i don’t know that person well. perhaps because, even though i know this in my head, i still struggle with it in practice.

perhaps it’s because i love this person and my heart aches for them.

perhaps it’s anger at the person who started it all, as it really shouldn’t have even happened and i don’t understand why it did.

trust is a gift.  i know, because i don’t give it out often.  i don’t understand why other people don’t see it that way.

it makes me love and appreciate the people who keep my trust even more.

they are few and far between, but they are there.  and i treasure them.

check.

Posted in c, etcetera, faith is action, i am not a gym rat, the glass is half FULL, wish i may wish i might on October 5, 2008 by drbolte

saturday was a good day.

i achieved a goal that, despite it being a huge milestone for me, seemed oddly anticlimactic.  i’ll get to that in a minute.  but first, let’s celebrate the awesomeness of me.

on saturday, i participated in my first 5K.  i posted pictures on my facebook profile, which elicited a whole lot of “wow, you’re amazing” and some people thinking that i ran it (which i did not).

this is us just as we began. basically, herded like cattle.

that left me feeling oddly guilty, as if somehow i had purposely misled them.  i didn’t.  nevertheless, i felt like it should have been a much bigger deal than it was.

so i walked 3.1 miles. big deal, right?  i didn’t run.  i didn’t even walk exceptionally quickly.  i walk more than that at the gym with much steeper inclines.  what’s the big deal?

i can’t really explain it, except to say that five years ago, such a feat would have been an impossiblity.  so, for me, it meant something. it was a way of showing how far i’ve come. but when i made that goal, i thought it would be a much BIGGER deal. like i would end it feeling triumphant and like i had really accomplished something.

i didn’t.

happy as i was, and as congratulatory as some people have been, all it made me want to do was MORE.

before i got there that day, i was pondering whether or not i could actually run.  i’ve been thinking about that quite a lot lately. am i willing to try? do i have the capacity? the silent prayer in my heart, kept silent through fear that i would fall on my face, was “can i even DO this?”

but when i got there, when it started, when i saw other people running, i wanted to.  i just wanted to take off.  a couple of times, i fell behind my group to take a picture and ran to catch up. and it was fun.

so as much as my 5K for breast cancer showed me where i had been, it showed me where i am going as well.

i am running a 5K, i hope before christmas.

i would like to run/walk a 10K and a halfmarathon too. i am under no illusions about how tough it will be.  but i’m tough too.  and i think i’m ready.

and that’s just so totally cool, i can’t even tell you.

sometimes i wonder who i have turned into because i keep surprising even myself.

the one thing NOT on my to-do list.

Posted in blogging, dissertation, i'm so much cooler online, the internets, will work for food, wish i may wish i might on September 24, 2008 by drbolte

i am tired.

it’s a good kind of tired, i suppose, but tired nonetheless.

and it’s only wednesday.

before october 1st, i have about one million things to do.

yeah, i don’t know why i’m here either.

except to say that i’m going to san francisco in december. to interview for jobs that i have yet to apply for.  i made my reservations at the hotel yesterday, with a friend who’s going to split the room with me.  we’re about five blocks from chinatown and close to union square. she’s never been to SF and i haven’t been there in AGES, so since we’ll be there for MANY days (saturday through tuesday…it feels like many when you’re paying san francisco prices which interestingly enough are less than detroit prices), i feel that sightseeing will be in order.

when we were sitting there in front of the computer, about to click the “reserve” button, my heart nearly pounded out of my chest.

I’M GOING.

please pray that i will get lots of interviews.  i can’t imagine how depressing it would be to go, spend the money, and then have no interviews to show for it.  we’ll mix and mingle and be incredibly schmoozey, to build relationships, but still. my cv isn’t the strongest, but there’s creativity in my work and a diversity in my approach.  if i can get interviews, i can sell them.  i am a good interviewer.

bah. can’t think about it.

yesterday i also had a job search meeting with the job search guru, the assistant/associate/idon’tknowtherightterm graduate coordinator.  he’s awesome and answers all of my random questions without making me feel like i am a) crazy and b) needy (both of which i most certainly am, a little bit, when it comes to this subject).

i asked him about this blog.

i’ve been wondering if it’s a liability, given that i talk about the dissertation, my life, teaching, shoes, and all manner of ridiculousness that surrounds my life as a grad student.  once upon a time, he said that they googled people, or might, in the course of job searches.  that makes sense. i google things all of the time.

(my best friend makes me google things from australia. i am the googler.)

but i wondered if somehow because this was not a particularly anonymous blog, if it would hurt me.  i got to thinking…i am not ashamed of anything that i’ve written here.  i could answer questions about it in an interview, if needed.

what i didn’t expect was for amazing job search guru to tell me to USE IT.  that if i felt comfortable enough, i could use it as evidence of my engagement with a larger cultural/textual community.

i don’t think i will, but it sure made me feel better. he said “talking to you about it, it’s pretty clear it’s not at all a negative.” and that made me very happy, and will make you happy because it made me reconsider getting rid of this blog and starting a new, anonymous one.  which you didn’t even know i was thinking about, did you?

yeah, i don’t tell you everything.

last thing, which is actually quite exciting to me and that fact is rather pathetic, is that i get to go office supply shopping on friday or saturday.  i have to get printer ink (oy. i’ll be bankrupt in seconds.) and highlighters, printer paper, and some sort of system by which to keep track of my job search stuff. i’m thinking posterboard to make a chart and some stickers or something. like elementary school!  yay!  i’m imagining that it will take me quite a while to figure out my system.  if, you know, by a while you mean the fifteen minutes i allot myself before the alarm bell in my head that tells me i have hundreds of pages to read and many more pages to write and WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT PENS YOU CRAZY?!?

but it should be fun.

back to the to-do list, which contains items like “shower” and “get dressed” because, really, those are important markers of a successful day.

and if i don’t schedule them, they may not get done.

sigh.