Archive for the you have to be a chick to understand Category

bridal diaries: DIY invitations = first bridal meltdown.

Posted in bridal diaries, drama drama drama, going quietly mad, the engaged life, you have to be a chick to understand on May 27, 2009 by drbolte

it’s invitation week.

i’ve been working on gathering addresses for weeks, and we have most of them. our goal was always to get them sent out the week after memorial day–before the end of may. it may seem early for an early august wedding, but it’s a) the summer b) dependent on the schedule of people throwing me showers (current count: 3. i have no idea what to say about that except wow.) and c) just really good because i shouldn’t do invitations when i’m teaching three classes.

rationale now explained.

we decided to print our own. it’s cheaper (it really is, actually).

so that’s what i did last night.

120 announcements. 60+ invitations.

and on at least 35 of the announcements? black ink smudges on the edge.

i nearly lost my mind. i was already stressed beyond reason about these stupid invitations. the pictures aren’t exactly what we ordered, meaning that around the black collage there is a white border. there was not a white border around the original collage. but i reprinted them and apparently that’s what happens.

i would really like to trim the 200 pictures, but who has time for that?

(not me.)

i didn’t know how to make the black smudges stop. they were erratic–not always happening at the same time, but happening fairly consistently. i tried to google it. it told me acetone. i tried it. it ruined the paper.

commence the beginning of my first bridal meltdown.

i was tired–still am. all the time.–and stressed–it’s the last week of job training and i am barely hanging on, i swear.–and feeling the pressure of all of the things that have yet to be done but have to be considered soon and was just trying to get through the invitation printing so that they would be done in time for tonight, when one of my bridesmaids and me and the bff have a homemade pizza/stuffing invitations/addressing invitations party.

i just wanted it to go smoothly.

and i was already really nervous about it. i don’t know why. i just was.

the bff came up with a plan to fix it, and he did a brilliant job. and eventually, once i had to change the ink cartridge, they just stopped.

but by that point it felt like me alone, waging war against the dragon that is DIY invitations, and i was mad and frustrated and dissolving very quickly into tears and irrationality.

it was not pretty. i hope to never repeat it.

i tell you all this to say that i’m pretty tired.  and i am pretty bad at asking for help.

but after last night, i’m pretty sure that i need to start doing it.

and i’m pretty sure that i will be really, really happy when all 190 of those envelopes are in the hands of the USPS, complete with a white bordered black collage that i’m sure people will still think are adorable.

and if they don’t, in the immortal words of my bff, stuff ’em.

started the “jillian michaels kicks my butt six days a week for 30 days shred program” again.

did level 3 yesterday. i’ve been on level 3 for a while. i have yet to master rock star kicks, but i’m working on it.

am willing myself to do level 3 again today.

ironically? i worry that my dress will be too big.

cross that bridge when we get to it, i guess.

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and it descends…like something scary that descends.

Posted in books are bliss, drama drama drama, going quietly mad, Life, me, wish i may wish i might, you have to be a chick to understand on March 19, 2009 by drbolte

sometimes i really hate being a girl.

or maybe i just hate recognizing that once a month, like clockwork, i go irrational. completely, fruit-loopy, mood-swingy, irrational.

before, maybe i just did it and didn’t realize it.  now i recognize it, am completely self-aware, and yet seem to have little power to pull myself completely out of it.  so lately, i’ve just been trying to internalize it and minimize the collateral damage.

funny thing about that. it causes this whole internal drama that nobody really knows about. they think everything’s fine.  i feel insecure, crazy, and ready to lose my mind.

for about forty eight to sixty hours. then it blows over.

but in the meantime, it has the enveloping power of blindness. let me explain.  AMAZING things have happened in the last couple of days. all of them are answers to prayers.

perfect apartment found and applied for. check.

bff got two job interviews, both of which could be amazing and both of which he’ll be stellar at.  check.

i randomly sent my resume to a private school in the area and got an email back saying that they think i would be a perfect match for their school and while they may only have a part-time position open (three classes), they’d very much like to meet with me.  money? a job? people who want me and think i’m qualified? check.

and yet…i feel meh.  i cry about stupid crap that doesn’t matter, disappointments that are so ridiculously temporary. i worry about things that are stupid and irrational.  i beat myself up for not following through on my insane plan to get up after 4ish hours of sleep and go do megacardio at the gym at 7 a.m. i don’t cut myself any slack while at the same time i get selfish. i stop being grateful and start being greedy for what i want when i want it.

(that’s never a good sign, by the way.)

and for all the attempts to shake myself out it–and i am good at it most times–i find myself having to do it over and over and over again. it’s exhausting. i’m very tired.

i’m ready for the crazy to leave again.  but until then, i may find a little patch of sunny grass, a blanket, and a book and stay there for a while.

i need you…

Posted in bff, i'm so much cooler online, Life, me, superheckyes, you have to be a chick to understand on February 3, 2009 by drbolte

…and, by you, what i really mean is that i need your musical genius and eclecticism to shine forth and multiply and help me with something.

(and, darling bff, if you’re reading this for some weird reason because i know you don’t read my blog unless i tell you to really but on the off chance that you are, could you please not read this one?  kthanks. love!)

okay.

so.

i have an idea for a present.

but…i need help. mainly because i am somewhat brainfried right now and haven’t really been paying much attention to the world around me much. i know. life is tragic.

BUT.

i need love song suggestions.

please don’t throw things at me, but i want to make a CD (i have a history of doing this…yes, i know it’s cheesy. shut up. it goes over well) of songs that remind me of the bff, but i only have a few that i think i actually want to put on there.  i would like to have as much an eclectic mix as possible, so anything from ska to country to swing will work.  i’m thinking of putting some pat benatar, heidi newfield, ben harper, kenny chesney, brad paisley, maybe some jack johnson…see? i’m in a rut! help me!

so…suggestions are great.  suggestions are essential.  suggestions are necessary. please help me seem amazing!  and save me some work. and sanity!

delurk! tell me your five favorite love songs or the songs that make you swoon.  please?

i’ll give you a candy heart.

promise.

cxxx: dilemma in denim.

Posted in c, etcetera, ghetto life, i am not a gym rat, mirror mirror on the wall, shopping, sigh, someday I'll be a real middle class girl, will work for food, you have to be a chick to understand on January 27, 2009 by drbolte

the shred has been effective.

i use a form of the past tense because i think i am shredded out.  this week i haven’t done it once. i am not inclined to do it because a) i’ve done it most every day for a month b) i’m tired of it c) i’ll never master it (or so it feels) and d) i miss my sixty/seventy/eighty minute crazy cardio wackiness and gym psychotic sprees.  i may resurrect it twice or three times a week as a strength training supplement, but i think i may have toxed out on jillian michaels.

but it’s been effective. i’ve lost something like two inches from my hips and an inch from my waist and thighs.  in less than a month.

all of which makes my jeans even bigger than they were.

“yeah, yeah, yeah. big problem. stop your whining.”  i can hear you all now, and i understand. i really should shut up.

but i’m too busy TRYING TO KEEP MY PANTS ON MY BODY.

so…here’s my dilemma.

do i go invest the money in jeans that actually fit, since let’s be real–jeans are THE staple of my wardrobe–from the store where i got my jeans that the bff has told me he likes better than all of the rest because they actually fit (uhm…which inclines me to actually go buy 14 pairs of them if he likes them, but that’s neither here nor there) which will cost me $50 a pair at least (money that i could spend in a MULTITUDE of different ways…)?

or maybe see if jeans at real girl stores will seriously fit (like buckle…or somewhere else…) which will be more expensive but possibly last longer/look better/make me feel like i can conquer the WORLD?

or keep waiting until i get smaller?

i’m growing frustrated.

i’m also only about thirty pounds from my goal.  which is amazing and makes the dilemma even more obnoxious.  because i wonder if those thirty pounds will be two sizes (as is pretty standard–15 lbs = one size) or like four since apparently i’m losing inches INFINITELY faster than i am losing pounds.

expensive.  nice, but expensive.

so what should i do?  what would YOU do?

cxxix: candids and ctr rings.

Posted in c, faith is action, i love my life, mirror mirror on the wall, superheckyes, you have to be a chick to understand on January 11, 2009 by drbolte

thursday night, at my bcs championship party, one of my girls was taking pictures. i was sitting on the floor, the BFF to my left, my girl to his left.  she took a picture across the room, and all you could see of me was my arm sticking out behind him.  i saw the picture after she took it and i said, surprised, “you can’t even SEE me!”  the BFF looked at me and said “i win.”  i sort of chuckled and said “i think I win.”  understanding sort of flashed in his eyes and he said “in a big contest, i would win.”

the BFF has made it emphatically clear that my ctr ring, which i wear on my right ring finger, is TOO BIG.

this was not news to me, but when he was able to pull it off without any resistance at all in one quick and fluid motion, he made the statement.  i didn’t argue with him.  i told him that it used to fit (and it did). he told me that i needed what he called the standard size 7 instead of what has apparently now become an uber-large 8. then, when i told him that my other ring finger was even smaller, leading him to guess that i’d wear a 6.5 on that hand, he said “you’re little.”  then he said it again, looking straight at me.  “you’re LITTLE.”

about a month ago, these things would have led me to deny them.  i would have been like “nah…not true.”

but pictures don’t lie and neither do pieces of metal.

and neither does the BFF.  biased as he may be, he tells the truth.  and for whatever reason, i’m starting to be able to see it.  and it’s REALLY cool.

shred update: seriously, it works. trying on clothes since i’ve gotten back home from christmas, things are fitting differently.  the jeans i bought on new year’s eve are nearly too big.  i’m still pretty much on level 1, but it’s still kicking my trash a little and i’m sort of excited to see what happens when i add in more cardio than i have been doing this week.  and if i ever master a pushup, a side lunge, or an oblique crunch, i will count myself a winner.

jigsaw.

Posted in all i want for christmas is..., disney princesses got nothin' on me, etcetera, faith is action, i love my life, i promise you that you won't care, Life, magic, mirror mirror on the wall, superheckyes, wish i may wish i might, you have to be a chick to understand on January 7, 2009 by drbolte

i was talking to a friend the other day that i haven’t seen in AGES, and we were trying to catch up as best we could via gchat, which is harder than it may seem. she said that i seemed really happy. today, someone said that i looked like the i was sitting on top of the world.

i am happier than i have been in a long time.

but before you all go rolling your eyes and thinking that you know the reason, it’s far more complicated than that.

going home for the holidays was really good for me in lots of ways.  of course, it was WONDERFUL to see the family that i hadn’t seen in half a year. that’s the longest i’d gone before.  but before i headed home, i think i felt stuck in who i once was.  that sounds odd.  let me back up a bit.  i have talked here about how my mind couldn’t quite catch up to what my body had done. i think that was really true in many ways…like i couldn’t quite embrace who i now was.  all of the changing that i had done–the physical, i think, just serving as a symbol–hadn’t really cemented to me.

the trip home did something funny.  it was like something clicked.

or, if you will, the pieces started falling into place in the right order and at the right time.

i was talking to the BFF (do i need a new name for him? suggestions?) about this and used that metaphor for things that he was excited about, and at the moment that i did, i realized that in so many ways it was true of me as well.

when i looked in the mirror while i was at home, i saw the person that everybody kept telling me i was.

when i was faced with challenging situations, i was the person i hoped that i would be.  or in the moments that i wasn’t, i recognized it and transcended it before i made a situation worse.  in short, i abdicated my throne as the queen of passive aggressiva and just said what i wanted to say.

when i needed to be patient, i was patient–with myself and with others. when i needed faith, it was there.

so i am happy…so much happier than i have been in a long time, but much of that is the direct result of a lot of hard work that i’ve been doing on myself.  and i have to believe that the new amazing things in my life are similarly a result of who i am now…as well as who i always have been.

the pieces, which were all there before but were all wonky and out of sorts, are now all fitting together really, really well. if this makes any sense, i feel more like myself than i have in a long time.  like maybe the pieces that needed to come together were only for me–so that i could realize who i am.

weird.  odd. awesome.

in other news, partially brought on my chickbug’s recent post about the top ten reasons it sucks to have a blog, i’m wondering how much of the good stuff going on in my life you actually want to hear. i definitely don’t want to be that girl who’s like OH HAI GUESS WHAT JUST HAPPENED TO ME DON’T YOU WISH YOU WERE ME I’M SO LUUUUCCCCKKKY? because that girl is that one you want to stifle in whatever manner is available to you or stick gum in her hair or throw things at her or…well you get the picture.  but i also don’t want to be writing about boring crap and doing memes all the time because i am avoiding the things in my life that are crazy good.

so…what’s your philosophy, y’all?  you’re the readers.  and yes, this is my space and, yes, i will ultimately do what i want with it, but…i like you guys. i’d like to keep you around and keep you commenting, if at all possible.  so…share with the good doctor.

i’m listening.

Protected: …

Posted in all i want for christmas is..., faith is action, i love my life, magic, perfect brightness of hope, superheckyes, the glass is half FULL, The Single Life, you have to be a chick to understand on December 25, 2008 by drbolte

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