Archive for the you should really worship me Category

updates.

Posted in bff, c, dissertation, etcetera, family, grrrrr., me, mirror mirror on the wall, my amazing mother, oh so very random, sigh, someday I'll be a real middle class girl, teaching, the joys of living in Florida, will work for food, you should really worship me on February 12, 2009 by drbolte

hi there.

i know, it’s been ages.  this week has flown by and with it, seemingly, anything interesting to say about my life. i’ve mainly just been trying to keep on keeping on.

but i have a few things to updated you on/vent about/describe. enjoy. (or don’t. some people don’t like these update-y posts. more power to you, but it’s what i’ve got.)

  • the toe.  still broken. turned an impressive shade of purple earlier in the week. i have yet to try to wear regular shoes, although the doc told me to wear more supportive shoes than flip flops. i’m having trouble understanding how that can happen since these allegedly more supportive shoes often require me to STUFF MY ENTIRE BROKEN FOOT (whatever. toe. i know. hyperbole.) INTO THE WHOLE THING.  that seems, i feel, counterproductive to the whole “i avoid pain” campaign.  (pain. campaign. ha. i’ll be here all week.) but as a result of walking strangely, hobbling, and trying to walk normally (these happen in succession usually and i’ll let you guess which one i do most often), the outside of my right leg (the one with the wounded wing) hurts. in a strange way. it feels strained or pulled or something. i’ve tried massage (well, i whined a lot and got the bff to rub it for me) and it didn’t really help.  i’ve tried ibuprofen. didn’t help.  so, yeah…the broken toe is SUCKAGE.
  • can’t work out really because of the toe. or, i should say, i’m afraid to try this week since it hasn’t even been a week and i really don’t want to screw it up even more than i have.  so i’ve been doing random things like crunches (which i’m actually sort of starting to feel, hallelujah) but those don’t give a good calorie burn (stupid. stupid. stupid.). but the result is that i’ve had to be SUPER self-disciplined with my eating in order to not dig myself into a hole that will freak me out and require massive amounts of effort to extract myself from.  so, the result is that i’m probably going to WAY slow down the progress, which is SO. FRUSTRATING., but…that’s life, right? you do what you can with what you’ve got.  pretty soon i’m going to try the stationary bike.  that can’t possibly hurt my foot, right?
  • actually wrote a page and a half of my dissertation chapter yesterday. in a relatively short amount of time (total actual writing time? like 45 minutes.  of course, i spent three hours doing other random crap on the internet, but let’s focus on the successes, shall we?).  this gives me hope, which anchors my soul.  i believe that i can actually accomplish this thing.
  • had an interview for an adjunct job on monday in jax.  i expected it to be one of those interviews where, you know, you try to sell them on you.  wrong. i walked in there (limped, probably, but that’s neither here nor there) and she basically already wanted to hire me and spent the next forty or so minutes convincing me that i wanted to work there–or at least telling me all of the things that i would be getting myself into.  it was a nice switch, let me tell you, from the solemn deathmarch that is the tenure track job market right now.   so…i’ll be working there in the late summer.  possibly in the fall as well.  and she mentioned the possibilities of visiting professor lines being opened up next year. so, there’s that. which leads me to my next point…
  • decided that i’m staying in florida for the timebeing. actually, probably for a long time.  i feel really good about this decision, which is completely opposite to what i thought i would do.  i feel like even if it means adjuncting for the rest of my life, cobbling together a living based on jobs here and there, the payoffs are definitely worth it.  some things are just more important, and i’ve always felt that way.  besides, i’m still not completely counting out high school.  that actually seems sort of fun to me. does that make me insane? maybe a little.
  • valentine’s day is coming up. i’m working on that project that i solicited help for. i’ve been told that i need to post the final playlist when it’s finished. i will, i promise.  i hope it’s good. your suggestions were WONDERFUL, and in some cases led me to other things which were amazing and perfect so…you all win. and hopefully i win with the bff too.
  • mom comes on sunday! YAY! she hasn’t been here in AGES…and she gets to meet (finally…) the bff.  despite us being best friends for nearly three years, she’s never met him.  it’s about time, eh?

that’s about all that’s going on in my life. what’s new in yours?

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soggy, but solid.

Posted in all i want for christmas is..., fall is football, gators, i love my life, i love youtube--so sue me, superheckyes, the glass is half FULL, the joys of living in Florida, wish i may wish i might, you should really worship me on November 30, 2008 by drbolte

“are you there in all that rain? GO GATORS!”–a text message i got in the middle of the second quarter at the FSU/UF game in tallahassee.

“heck to the yes! GO GATORS!”–my reply.

i spent the better part of my saturday completely and thoroughly wet.  if not for the heavy duty plastic poncho that my roommate’s dad thought to send with her, i’d have been soaked to the skin and likely hooked up to IV antibiotics by now.

instead, i wore heavy duty clear plastic, thanked the genetic lottery for the natural curl in my hair, and did the gator chomp with reckless abandon.

and gasped when harvin was injured.

but we won’t talk about that.

and thrilled when tebow got VERY ticked off directly after that play, told us all in the stands to get buck wild, and gator chomped in our general direction.

and then scored.

it was a good weekend.

picture me early on, dressed in my “i bleed orange and blue” t-shirt, jeans, and blue and orange beads, standing in the FSU north endzone stands right next to the band, as we kept scoring IN THE POURING RAIN, and then add this soundtrack:

that’s a pretty solid snapshot.

(don’t talk to me about how i felt at the end, when the wind started blowing and i was freezing and STARVING.TO.DEATH.  but there for a good 45 minutes? i was gene kelly.

which just sound way weirder than it needs to.)

GO GATORS.

(and dear santa, please let harvin’s ankle heal by friday. kthanksbye.)

not.

Posted in blogging, etcetera, faith is action, fall is football, gators, i love my life, i promise you that you won't care, me, my amazing mother, the glass is half FULL, the internets, the joys of living in Florida, Uncategorized, you should really worship me on November 13, 2008 by drbolte

she‘s the cool kid, so i’m jumping on her bandwagon.

i am not afraid of challenges, though i am afraid of failing at them. i am not stoic, much as certain circumstances make me wish i was. i am not difficult to read. i am not often at a loss for words, but lately that comes with greater frequency. i am not a believer in sitting by and waiting for life to happen, although i used to be.

i am not likely to be up early, ever, unless that early morning errand is followed by a nice nap.  i am not averse to making my own bread, learning to make my own clothes, or otherwise living by a pioneer standard; however, i do not have time to do that right now.  i am not frequently zen-like; i am almost always thinking of something that has me stewing.  i am not sure what no stress feels like anymore. i am not a fan of dishes, laundry, or mopping floors, although i feel ridiculously productive once i’ve finished those chores.  i am not sure i can marry someone who won’t agree to take out the trash.

i do not believe any aspect of life will ever be truly easy; that’s why i’m always surprised by them when they come around. i do not often believe in my own work until i see evidence that it isn’t the crap that i make it out to be.  i do not wear heels very often, but the more often i do the more i love them. i am not a girly-girl, but i also don’t ever want to pee in the woods.  i am not afraid to sweat like a crazy person during workouts anymore–if someone has a problem with that, that’s theirs and not mine.  i am not afraid of questions.

i am not kidding when i say that i bleed orange and blue, although i am a bit surprised about how that all happened.  i do not feel out of my element talking about college football, although i have a lot left to learn. i am not looking forward to fall saturdays outside the swamp. i am not amused by arrogance, which is why i don’t like professional sports.  i do not think there will ever be an era of gator football like this one, because tebow is truly one-of-a-kind.

i will not eat cottage cheese, under any circumstance. i am not going to listen to your complaining without suggesting ways to fix the situation. i do not have patience with people who refuse to do something to change the things that don’t work in life.  i do not ever want to be a stereotypical anything, but i rebel against those that critique others for, in the course of being who they are, fit into those molds. i do not understand why i have such vivid memories of some things but have whole years that are foggy and seemingly unimportant.

i am not afraid of my family history of breast cancer. i am not inclined to get genetic testing, even though my mom may do it.  i do not believe in chasing trouble, nor do i believe that such information would do anything other than inspire a lifetime of freakouts.  so, i am not delusional, but i do what i want.  i will not live my life in fear.

i do not work well without some sort of pressure. i do not make deadlines very often–i usually am off by a week or so, which i hate.  i am not usually early to places anymore, which invites more anxiety than necessary.  i am not like my mother in so many ways–i fill my gas tank when it’s almost empty, i pay my bills on the day that they’re due, i stay up obscenely late, i buy clothes that she would never look at–but i am not ignorant of the fact that when i bang dishes around the kitchen in a passive-aggressive demonstration of bubbling frustration, i am exactly like her. i do not have a problem with that weird balance.

i will not be in a band, although i’d like to be in my secret hearts of hearts.  i will not have twelve kids, although i once wanted that many. i will not travel the world, more than likely, because i would rather spend my money on something closer to home.  i would not be surprised if my future family involves children that i adopt.

i do not want to live here forever, but i don’t want to leave.  i am not usually the one who understands her own potential; more likely than not, i am the girl looking back and saying ‘what the heck…look how far i’ve come.’ i do not know who i would be if i hadn’t come to florida, hadn’t gone to graduate school, hadn’t grabbed my life and made of it what i wish.  i am not a fan of regrets and wishing for do overs.

i am not who i once was.

what are you not?

cxv: so i put on my devil may care attitude and humiliated myself on the blogosphere.

Posted in c, faith is action, i am not a gym rat, me, the glass is half FULL, you should really worship me on November 8, 2008 by drbolte

i don’t know if it’s the late night, the fact that the entire lower half of my body is screaming at me from the crossramp intervals i did tonight at the gym, my lingering high over the fact that i almost fit into jeans at buckle even though that’s like where real girls shop, or the fact that i am shamelessly in need of some validation for my efforts, but here we go.

remember how i told you i had before and after pictures? but that i wasn’t sure if i wanted to share?

i’ma doin’ it.

(mainly because i’m studying about courage and this takes some and i’m all about embracing those opportunities right now.  see earlier comment about going to buckle.)

august 2004

august 2004.

(please remember: worst picture ever taken of me ever ever ever. i had just moved my entire house in in the blistering florida heat. but…yeah.)

november 2006.

november 2006.

(that’s the best friend, btw.  last time i saw him.)

october 2008. i'm in the middle.

october 2008.

i’m in the middle. you know, in case you didn’t know.

october 2008.

october 2008.

and me on the left.  you know.  in case you didn’t know…again.

so there you go, adoring internets.  it’s hard for me to see the difference, especially between the 2006 photo and the 2008 ones.  but i hear tell that there’s quite the difference.  whatever.  i find the weirdest thing about this whole thing how my brain can’t catch up.

someday it will.  that’ll be a good day, i think.

maybe it’ll be the day that i buy $80 victory jeans at buckle.

we’ll see.

cx: the attention. oh, the attention.

Posted in c, i am not a gym rat, life lesson number 498, me, mirror mirror on the wall, the glass is half FULL, you should really worship me on October 2, 2008 by drbolte

well, i think i’m becoming that person.

you know the one i’m talking about. the one who thinks she knows it all, feels the pompousness of experience rise up to meet her as anyone starts talking about dieting or exercise or how to lose a few pounds.

i HATE those people.

i swear it’s not intentional. i promise. but it’s the same reaction that i get when someone starts talking about jane austen like she’s some pioneer of strictly chick lit or call Romantic writers Victorian or act like english majors make no contribution to society in general (all of these things have happened to me). when you immerse yourself in something for so long, and try to educate yourself, and have found success, an instinct kicks in that can deceive you into thinking that you know more.

i hate that feeling.

it’s not ego, i promise. more like the allure of wisdom, even if that wisdom only came last week in the form of a revelation that eating back your exercise calories is essential to your progress and that working out more, even if the scale doesn’t show it, really changes your body.  the little birdie of humility tells me often that, yes, this works for you and that, yes, it has worked for lots of people too. but that doesn’t make your way the best way or the only way or the golden path to peace and contentment.

but it is a way.

a hard way. a way full of not eating chinese food EVER and abandoning ice cream COMPLETELY and getting chocolate only in the form of pudding packs and semisweet chocolate chips.  a way full of 15% treadmill inclines and stadium stairclimbing and high elbow rows and lateral raises that you still can’t do well but you keep trying because darn it if a five pound weight is going to get the best of you.

but it’s a way.

i write all this because today i was told that i was doing really good with exercise by someone who, honestly, i had no idea knew anything about what i was doing. i’ll get back to that in a minute, but after she mentioned a mutual friend who was dieting, i found myself pontificating about how a particular “diet” is really just severe calorie restriction and probably won’t work in the long run because nobody really eats like that. and then i backtracked to the “different things work for different people” party line, which is true but which i’m not sure that i totally believe. i really don’t believe that a grapefruit and spinach soup diet (not the one to which i was referring earlier, but it might as well be) is going to get you where you want to go.

unless where you want to go is to lose a bunch of water and muscle in time to fit into that fabulous dress, and then more power to you, but don’t be surprised when you eat a piece of fruit that your body says HALLELUJAH AND AMEN! and plants that banana right back on your body in the form of five pounds.

i’m just saying.

but i’ve been there, and i understand. i really do.  quick fixes are the glitzy bling of our psychological needs.  we know we have to fix something, so we want to just fix it, not work hard for it, so we find the thing that seems to be the quickest, best, easiest route and we run to it.

i would like to introduce you to twenty eight years of my past. i know what it’s like.

but it doesn’t work. i mean it MIGHT work…for a while.  shoot. that’s happened to me too, in lots of things.  you can jump up on a bandwagon and stay on it for a good long time.  but bandwagons were made to break down, to collapse when you hit the first speed bump of life.   what then?

see? i’m doing it again. but here it’s my dime, my forum, my place to vent. and i don’t like that i am, now that i am immersed in what i’m doing and have basically changed my approach to everything, losing touch with how it feels to be on the other side.  i remember, but i don’t remember enough.

i need to remember more.

back to this person who told me that i was doing so well with exercise.

cue the attention whore portion of our program.

it’s that time again.  the time where everybody starts to notice, make comments, tell me i’m tiny (far from) and shrinking (legitimately true), even people who are basically just acquaintances feel free to ask me if i’m losing weight.  which introduces the perpetual dilemma of awkward versus deep and abiding need to be NOTICED! RIGHT NOW! WORSHIP ME!

hey. i never said i was anything other than a big bundle of contradictions walking around in purple flipflops.

i’ve written about this before. it’s so awkward for me, but i love it at the same time.  inevitably, this period of time comes AFTER i have started noticing it myself.  because i always go through this I CAN’T SEE IT! phase, where i really can’t see it.

(your brain has a little trouble keeping up with your body, if you didn’t know. it sees what it wants to see and it tells you what it wants to tell you.)

that’s been me lately.  can’t see the change. people keep telling me, and i can’t see it.

and then, on sunday, i saw it.  so did a bunch of other people.  and it was fun. and i was like “dang, i’m CUTE.”  but still, it’s weird. it’s especially weird when people who don’t really have any reason to notice/care/comment/invest time and resources in caring/noticing/commenting are.  because sometimes i think that i live in a world where actually very few people pay attention to what i’m doing.  i understand that world because i am living in drbolteland, populated by only me, the associated people who supply me with what i need, the people who text/call/facebook/email me, and my neuroses.

i expect that other people would be the same.

it’s odd.  because this time, i don’t really want to talk about it. it is what it is.  yes, i am shrinking. yes, i have lost weight. no, i have not gotten gastric bypass, ingested a tapeworm, found the miracle cure in the waters of some spring in Timbuktu, embraced a carrot and oatmeal diet, or otherwise found some kind of alien DNA that has changed me into half of my former self.

nope.  hasn’t happened. i guess i should say that i wish it had.  but i don’t.

the better, but infinitely less interesting answer, is that i just work incredibly hard at it.  i bust my butt most every day.

less interesting, yeah.  but i feel a whole lot more comfortable reaping the rewards.

so, yeah, you can worship me.  maybe i deserve it. a little.

maybe.

i’ve taken this * thing a bit too far.

Posted in blogging, books are bliss, celebrities, dissertation, etcetera, family, i promise you that you won't care, me, perfect brightness of hope, someday I'll be a real middle class girl, TV and me are pals, will work for food, you should really worship me on September 22, 2008 by drbolte

if you’ve been around at all recently, you know that mondays don’t tend to be good to me.  i don’t know why. i’m veering towards insufficient sleep based on what has become the ritual of sunday naps in the afternoon, which leave me more inclined to watch army wives at 1 a.m. than actually go to sleep.

but yesterday i was quite excited to tackle the day. i’ve made my schedule in my handy dandy blue notebook and although it’s already required modification, it’s okay.

there’s lots to tell you–about minor and major miracles in my life*,  about things that are coming up that both freak me out and excite the HECK out of me so i don’t think about them in too much detail**, about how this week’s madness is the fruit of my procrastination, about how excited i am that the west wing is coming back on bravo and how even though i really have no business adding two more hours of daily TV to my world, i will tape them and be glad of it*** and about how utterly joyful i was to find a marathon on on friday when i got home from work****, about how i had a dream that my birthday went by and i was the one who totally forgot about it and how that was more funny than sad, and about how i miss my family and thought briefly yesterday about finding a time when i could just drive up there and surprise them.  i may still do it.  maybe after the detroit conference.

oh, didn’t i mention that i’m going to the motor city?

yeah.

so, i have all of these things to tell you but no time to tell you them.  but they’re on the back burner, just waiting for dead time at work or frustration with writing or brainfried break time to reveal themselves.

hang with me.

but in the meantime, it’s monday, and i’m trying to make it work.*****

have a wonderful day!

*do you ever have those times when you are completely stressed out about something(s), and you don’t think to pray about them because they seem like problems that you will just solve later and so you don’t want to bother with them now because as much as they are subconsciously really freaking you out, you have bigger fish to fry? and then all of the sudden out of the clear blue sky, problems get solved without any intervention on your part but entirely because Heavenly Father is merciful and kind and loves you and decides to help you out, as any parent would, just because He knows that the problems are there?

yeah. those happened.  two of them.  this weekend. maybe three.  actually three.  i am a blessed girl.

**not limited to but including job search. but mainly…other things.

***i live in way lower middle class land. no tivo for me. i work it old school, with a VCR, a timer, and some seriously recycled tapes.  that’s how i deal with fall TV.  every day has a schedule.  i tape them and watch them when i have time, when i have a break, or on sundays when i don’t work.  we’ll see how long this lasts.

****oh president santos/jimmy smits, i love you. but i love josh more.

*****if kenley doesn’t get kicked off of project runway soon, i will do damage to some inanimate object in frustration. she’s so…annoying!  who saw that coming? i sure didn’t.

in which i channel lee corso*

Posted in fall is football, gators, sports, you should really worship me on September 7, 2008 by drbolte

college football week 2.

welcome to carrie’s college football wrap-up, which will basically be me talking about the things that i see on sportscenter and on the various games i will watch every week while working on something related to dissertation, laundry, bathroom cleaning, or various other activities that may in fact take my attention away from the game.

(oh, and i also believe in full disclosure.)

first things first.

gator update.

2 and 0, my fine football friends. 2-0. and better? smashed our miami losing streak and probably made them cry coming out of our swamp. everybody should know that only gators come out alive.

(unless you’re auburn last year. but i SO don’t want to talk about that.)

atmosphere: i was there, section 39, row 85, seat 26. which was on about the 45 yard line about a million miles up but still SO much better a view than i thought when i mourned as i looked at my ticket. it was ridiculously hot, even for a night game. the stands were PACKED. the miami section was FULL. and it was kind of…rowdy.

know why?

8 p.m. game = at least eight hours of tailgating. those folks were drunk.

but we were sitting next to a really cool frat block and despite a member of our block getting a little obnoxious about people standing on the bleachers (sigh. i have to deal with that somehow.), they were actually really cool. i was impressed. points for frat boys. and, hello. most of them were hot. that didn’t hurt.

but did i mention that it was HOT? i was dying. me and night games don’t get along well. i don’t know why. i missed the safety being scored because i was sitting. it was either sit or pass out. i chose to sit.

ANYWAYS.

game: the game was good…in the first ten minutes of the first quarter and during the fourth quarter. the rest of the time? most of spent yelling at tebow because we had NO. IDEA. WHAT. HIS. PROBLEM. WAS. and also his defenders, who were sucking.

i don’t mean to be unkind (hi, chickbug! i heart you! don’t hate me!) to miami fans, but honestly? there were SO many mistakes that miami just couldn’t capitalize on. that’s really a testament to our defense, who just shut miami down routinely. i must give it up to miami, though. they came and fought with a lot of heart and never, ever gave up. that was impressive. they put some serious pressure on tebow, sacked him a couple of times, and exposed a lot of our offensive line’s weaknesses.

i would hate to be that gator team at practice on monday. oy.

nevertheless…we finally figured out that we are the gators. we don’t get intimidated in our own house. and then amazing things started to happen.

in all, it should have been a much higher scoring game for us. receivers should have been going deep much more often and the running game, when it wasn’t working, should have been abandoned or varied a lot more. i was impressed by the variety of plays at times–harvin taking the direct snap? NICE.–but everybody who talked smack about our defense before the season (and granted, they were a young, young defense last year and showed it) can’t say much now.

but there’s lots to do before tennessee.

thank heavens for bye weeks.

other games, other issues. let’s discuss, shall we?

in bullets, so that i will temper my longwindedness:

  • BYU-Washington: they called the personal foul on the Washington player for tossing the ball in the air in celebration after making essentially a game-changing touchdown play. Washington ultimately lost. everybody on ESPN is calling that call crap. i feel like a rule is a rule. great play, yeah. but lots of great plays get called back for mistakes. that’s part of the game. (might i talk about how an AMAZING gator touchdown was negated for an early false start? horror. but that’s the way it is.) your thoughts?
  • WVU-ECU: don’t ever count out the pirates. they go through these cycles where they become the giant killers. i love that they are again. it gives me hope that north carolina can, in fact, have a great football team.
  • OSU-OhioU: why is ohio state still #3 when they struggle so hard to beat ohio university on the road? they face usc next week. i can’t wait. (oh. i just looked at the rankings. now they’re five. gators are 4. that’s better.

i think that’s it. what games are you watching? what teams are you loving? any surprises? comments? thoughts? anything?

*and if you don’t know who lee corso is, i am ashamed of you and suggest that you watch espn on saturday mornings, you freak. much love!