Archive for the you want me to walk HOW far? Category

loves.

Posted in domestic goddess, family, mirror mirror on the wall, my amazing mother, oh so very random, you want me to walk HOW far? on June 27, 2008 by drbolte

today was a good day.

it was hotter than i imagine the blazes of hell would be, but if you listen to john milton, hell will actually be the absence of light and warmth which actually makes more sense, but leaves me without a really cool metaphor to describe how horribly hot it was.

and yet i made it through.

i got my hair cut, which always scares me just a little bit.  i have a love-hate relationship with my hair. for a very long time, when i didn’t love my body at all, it was the one thing that i could fixate on. i still like how i can dye it whatever color i want or cut it however i want and it’s this impermanent but utterly powerful way to immediately change things.  the cut turned out pretty well. it’s a bit longer than i thought, and has more choppy layers, but it’s different and i like it.

i bought new shoes.

did you catch that? i bought NEW SHOES!  i got some new trainers, which is a very british or australian way to say sneakers, but it’s very much the best way to describe them since they are TRIATHALON shoes.  did you know that they had triathalon shoes? me neither.  but they’re pink and silver and have these super cool bottoms that help the shock to be absorbed which is awesome and, as a result of all of this, the most beautiful thing ever happened.

i got back on the treadmill.

and walked.

for an hour.

on an incline.

something is wrong with me when that fact makes me so utterly happy that i can’t even really articulate it.  weird. weird. weird.  my mom came home from her treatment, saw me on the treadmill, and said “you must be a glutton for punishment.”  i think she probably thought i was just walking on an injured hip anyways.  i wasn’t.  although it’s sort of twingey now but i don’t want to talk about it because HOORAY IT DIDN’T HURT WHEN I WAS WALKING.  life is beautiful.

also, where i bought my new trainers they were having a MEGA shoe sale.  and i bought some cute blue plaid flip flops for $10 that actually have some arch support and are adorable and did i mention that they were on sale?

and then i went to target.

i bought a book and luna bars, which are my new obsession.  i think i’m going to change one of my 30 in 180 items to trying every single luna bar that i possibly can.  because they are yummy. and there are 14, 13 of which i will try (chai tea? no thank you because that’s just gross…).  that means that i have 10 more to try…i’m especially looking forward to chocolate raspberry.  it’s the simple things, you know?

and my mom just said “the word on the street” about something with a completely straight face.  that made me laugh.

days like this restore me.  i wish i could stick around longer here so that i could take care of mom, who i think could really use me, but maybe this is her test–to ask for help from others when she needs it.  i think that she will, when she needs it. in the meantime, i’ve been enlisted into cleaning the bathroom duty tomorrow.

and i am happy to be drafted.

happy weekend, all.

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gridlock.

Posted in drama drama drama, going quietly mad, i promise you that you won't care, you want me to walk HOW far? on June 25, 2008 by drbolte

i have been nothing if not completely obnoxious on this blog lately. complaining whining all woe is me.  i’m sorry. i apologize.  however, that is not going to change right now because if i don’t say something about this i might scream.

i have somehow strained my back or hip.  i have been on the treadmill every single day since i got here except sunday (and yesterday, because of this) going very fast (faster than i have been walking before) and for prolonged periods of time and i have been excited about it.  i don’t love the treadmill in any way at all, but i was looking forward to doing something different to try to kickstart and round out my training for the 5K. i don’t want to talk about the fact that i can’t run on the treadmill.  i just don’t want to talk about it.

(and yes i am coming to realize that walking/running on the treadmill is much more awkward and strange than walking/running in real life, but real life isn’t accompanied by air conditioning and a stereo system. but i get it–and thank you to those of you runners who have told me that.)

i got on the treadmill yesterday determined to walk five miles, the longest that i would have done since i’d been home, and something was REALLY wrong with my hip.  when i tried to get up above about 2 mph, it just screamed at me.  i got off, obviously, even though i tried to power through thinking that maybe it would work itself out, but it wasn’t the kind of twingy pain that can be worked out.  it was the kind that basically said “hey. listen. either get off or get ready to really yell.”

so i got off.

and i took advil and tried to elevate it or whatever my feeble mind thought to do.  i prayed that it would get better. that might seem lame to you, but it matters a lot to me.

see, i’m finally FINALLY finally in this routine where i exercise more than i don’t.  i had gotten accustomed to doing massive amounts of cardio before i came home, and i wanted to keep that trend going for lots of reasons–for the purpose of weight loss, of course, but also just because it’s good for me and it makes me feel better and like i’ve done something of worth all day even when i probably haven’t done anything else that’s worthwhile.

and also because i have this terrible habit of starting things and not finishing them.

so, i tried again today.  and i walked, like a grandma, at like 2.5 mph and an incline for like 10 minutes before it started screaming at me again.

and i feel pathetic.  like my body is turning against me.

the reality is that i need new shoes really badly.  and i’m sleeping on a futon that kills my back anyways.  usually by the time i go home from visiting mom, i am in moderate back pain most all of the day.  and i didn’t do any, you know, gradual warm up to this punishing schedule i’ve had on the treadmill. i just sort of thought that i’d be able to do it without any trouble because say eight weeks ago, i was walking on the treadmill three times a week at not nearly as fast or as aggressive a pace and yeah i’m ridiculous.

so there are lots of legitimate reasons why this is happening.  it’s fairly easy to explain.

but how i FEEL?

is pathetic.  and like the one time i manage to get my crap together, something, anything, everything conspires against me to teach me patience and to let go.

and right now i’m not letting go very much.

what ticks me off more is feeling like nobody really understands.  like everybody is sort of looking at me like “really? you’re upset because you’ve been off the treadmill for two days? really?”

probably like you are right now.

yeah.

thanks for listening.  i’ll buy shoes tomorrow and try it again.  i guess the fact that i’m this annoyed by teh whole situation and that i refuse to give up is something, right?

letters, the “i don’t have time to think about anything other than this” edition.

Posted in books are bliss, dissertation, oh so very random, wish i may wish i might, you want me to walk HOW far? on June 12, 2008 by drbolte

dear makers of sara lee deluxe blueberry bagels,

i love you.

no, really.

i don’t know what you put in them (a little crack, maybe?), but they are magnificent. they make the twenty minutes after my workout adventures bliss.

and i just read this and apparently you’re exactly what i need. ’cause i put peanut butter on them and they are magic. pure magic. and now, i can feel even better about that magic, because it’s good magic. magical magic.

not that i didn’t know that before. because i knew. oh yeah. i knew.

thank you from the bottom of my empty stomach.

yours in superfood carboyhydrate adoration,

your stalker fan for life.

dear dead ann radcliffe, famous author of gothic novels,

why are they so long?

why are they so boring?

why are they, nonetheless, so important to my dissertation so i have to keep reading them…all…and taking notes on them because you subtly work in all of these amazing elements of travel and the thematic focus of liberty versus restraint and all of the other things that i am writing about?

WHY?

sentimentally yours,

CBPHD

dear elliptical,

i know we’ve had our differences. i know i used to scoff at the girls who were on you FOREVER at the gym. i couldn’t understand why they weren’t DONE already it had been an hour oh my gosh.

i was stupid.

i get it now. you are weirdly fascinating. you make sixty minutes of sweat-pouring punishment actually seem like fun. i don’t understand it. i don’t aim to try to understand it.

all i know is that i hoist my carcass out of bed earlier and earlier for you every morning, and i’m excited by the numbers we’ll crack. will i make it through 15 songs on the iPod today? will you squeak in that weird way that you do when the stride is 500+? will i have to deal with the incomings and outgoings of a multitude of maintenance men and management personnel because your placement in the “workout” room is also where the bathrooms are?

it doesn’t matter.

because i like you. i REALLY like you.

i hope you’ll forgive me my earlier snap judgments and continue to beat the heck out of me for as long as we both shall live. (or at least until i start going to the gym again to run on the treadmill which YOU, dear elliptical, will have made possible for me.)

with the love i only offer to inanimate exercise machines,

your favorite 10am fixture.

dear job,

i think we need some time apart.

i’m grateful for you. i know i am blessed by you. some days, i even have fun with you.

but as of now, i am kinda over you.

two more shifts and we will be parted for at least two months. i think a break is what we need, to remember why we appreciate each other. to remember what it is that’s good about our relationship.

i’ll go about my business, teaching smart english majors about Romantic writers, writing two more dissertation chapters, saving the world. you’ll go about yours, employing poor graduate students, improving grammar and writing skills, freezing employees to death as they sit in your hyper-refrigerated cave-like office.

i’m ready for the break. i may miss you. i don’t know. but i know i’ll be back. because, if nothing else, you pay for bagels.

and some days, that’s all that matters.

enjoy the rest of the summer. i know i will enjoy mine…

tutor girl.

dear scale,

MOVE DOWN.

obliged,

me, who couldn’t possibly be doing anything more.

dear dissertation director,

while it’s summer and i understand that you are out of town doing things with your family that are very important and you are working on your own book and probably getting ready to teach in the fall and doing brilliant things in your own career and are busy with other dissertations because surprise the world does not in fact revolve around me and i so respect and appreciate the fact that you emailed me to tell me that you had in fact received that chapter that i sent you and i am grateful that you are so kind to me when i randomly send you things out of the blue in the middle of a tuesday night, could you maybe hurry up and read it so that i could send it to the other members of my committee so that i can feel like i am progressing and most importantly because nothing is as important as what we do with whiteboard markers so that something could move on my flowchart freakout board?

sigh.

thanks. i’m gonna buy you a big present at the end of all of this, i promise. although i’m beginning to think me being done and out of your hair?

biggest. gift. of. all.

respectfully yours,

yes, i’m working on another chapter and not sitting around, i promise!

leapfrog. play with me.

Posted in i'm so much cooler online, me, oh so very random, the internets, you want me to walk HOW far? on June 5, 2008 by drbolte

you know how this works.

1. elliptical: ? :: treadmill: walking.

YAY! practice for the GRE! but, in case that’s not clear or wrong, i’m basically asking what activity you’re doing while on the elliptical. is it no-impact running/jogging? that’s all i can think of, but i’m wondering if it’s going to get me to my goal of running any quicker or if it’s training my muscles to do something else entirely. like…i don’t know…the cha cha?

2. speaking of…so you think you can dance. anybody see it last night? it’s on again tonight and i’m pretty darn excited. i only caught the last 45 minutes last night, but if you saw it you’re probably going to follow me. and is it possible that what i saw last night was a repeat of last week’s? i dunno.

okay. so crazy knee-locking-up girl who lost weight. listen. if you’ve read here at all in the past two weeks, you know that i am down with people being successful at making healthier life choices. i am even not (completely) averse to talking about it. but when you get militant on t.v. about how you were at the gym every day and start acting like that somehow makes you a better person/you are preaching?

i look at the t.v. and say “SHUT UP.” repeatedly. nobody needs a know-it-all. and…yeah.

also, minister guy? i LIKED him.

but some of those people? where do they get their outfits? someone needs to be their friend and tell them to not do that in public.

3. speaking of…on my (relatively) short walk over to my job from where i park, i cut in front of two guys, one of whom was on the phone. he was talking to someone about something (hey, i am nothing if not observant) and then he told the person on the phone “okay, i’ll give you a call later so that we can go tan.”

a GUY.

a GUY said this.

a GUY in a polo shirt said this.

i don’t understand.

but it makes me feel at once happy and sad for our world. vanity is not only a female condition! whoo! one more stereotype struck down. sing out, sister suffragette!

4. speaking of (voting)…obama. your thoughts? hillary. your thoughts?

i just want the whole election to be over with, because i just don’t like anybody. it’s like choosing between getting a really swift kick in the butt or a really hard punch in the gut. either way, it’s going to hurt and you’re going to see stars.

and, no, i am not immune to the fact that obama is the first african-american nominee for the presidency, and, yes, in theory i am quite pleased with a world in which such things could happen. nevertheless…gut or butt? because that’s what i’m thinking.

5. speaking of…anyone know any good crunches? i’ve been doing, you know, the regular kind and some kind of lame reverse crunch where my legs are straight in the air and i bring them down to horizontal (or, let’s be real, to like a 45 degree angle because I! HAVE! NO! AB! STRENGTH!), but those HURT and at some point last week my body stopped letting me do them. i’m not feeling my ab muscles much, so i’m wondering if not being sore is a bad thing. should i be in immeasurable amounts of pain, considering i’ve been doing them for like two weeks now just about every day? i have been drinking water like a crazy nut job, and i remember from my time watching the biggest loser (who says reality t.v. can’t enhance your life?!?) that when you drink enough water, you flush all the lactic acid out of your system so that you don’t get sore.

is this a lie? someone? anyone? everyone?

6. speaking of (water)…guess where i’ll be on saturday? the beach.

you know you’re jealous.

7. speaking of…guess what i discovered? for less than $4, you too can have beach wavy hair. it’s all due to a little product i like to call “heaven in a bottle” but is actually called “waves of envy” by sunsilk. remember how i wanted to see if i could do something with this natural curl i have in my hair, instead of fighting with it all of the time in the summertime humidity?

this product has singlehandedly made my summer. i am the lazy hair queen! i spray it in, scrunch it a little bit, and have wavy hair during the day. does it look perfect? no, but then again, i don’t do ANYTHING to it, so it’s gotta be a whole lot healthier than blowdrying it every day. i think i might be a little bit in love.

and it smells like grapefruit.

yes, please.

8. speaking of…you know what IS so good? blueberry bagels. with peanut butter. i know it sounds gross. but it’s like bliss. bliss on a stick. and i love it. yumz.

here’s what’s not so good. 40 minutes on the elliptical, 10 minutes of walking, drink 30 ounces of water…on an empty stomach. then take a shower and try to go to work…still on an empty stomach.

my body no likey me.

9. speaking of…YOU likey me! leave me a comment. tell me anything. DELURK! you gotta. it’s leapfrog! it’s gotta leap somewhere. so…what’d these things make YOU think about?

30 in 180.

Posted in blogging, books are bliss, Church, dissertation, domestic goddess, faith is action, friends, gators, ghetto life, i hate vegetables, Life, me, mirror mirror on the wall, School, someday I'll be a real middle class girl, sports, the internets, the joys of living in Florida, The Single Life, wish i may wish i might, you want me to walk HOW far? with tags on May 20, 2008 by drbolte

if you frequent copper boom, you know of the 101 in 1001.

(…and not to seem like a broken record, but you should be. right now. because girlfriend needs some costume help and i am of the atrocious when it comes to this area, so go help her out. seriously. i’m not important. click on it. then come back. not going anywhere.)

if you’ve been around here for very long, you know that i have a life list. it’s at 27. i haven’t looked it in a while. it’s sort of sad. well, i’ve been thinking lately (and after just reading lindzML’s list again, which is just about the perfect combination of daunting and fun) that i need to really set some goals for myself. i do better when i have a list of things that i want to check off.

so, since i don’t have 1001 days left here, nor can i even conceive of much beyond about october or early november because SO.MUCH.WILL.BE.HAPPENING!, i shortened my list and made a 30 in 180.

and since i’m all about the accountability, here we go. i’ll probably put it off to the side, too, because i really am going all single white female on lindz, apparently, but more because it will be like HEY! GET OFF YOUR BUTT AND GO RUNNING! or HEY! GO SMASH SOME STUFF AND MAKE A MOSAIC! DO IT!

you know. motivation.

so…the 30 things i’d like to accomplish in the next 180 days:

1. run for three miles straight. without dying and/or stopping.

2. finish five chapters of the dissertation.

3. lose 25 pounds. or two dress sizes. (and before you yell…trust me, i do have this much to lose. it’s a pound a week. and i can do it. i just have to really do it.)

4. resist the impulse to dye my hair again. it needs a break–or it really will break. also, figure out if this natural curl thing is something i can actually work to my benefit.

5. exercise at least four times a week. no matter what.

6. go to the beach four times. don’t get burned.

7. make a mosaic table for the my living room.

8. finish my hecka big crossstitch project.

9. don’t give up. but keep to the schedule. (and this doesn’t make any sense to you for a reason. sorry.)

10. present a paper at a conference.

11. submit at least two things for publication that are related to my field.

12. get my eyes checked. buy new glasses that are supersassy, young but professional, and actually wear them.

13. look for a great interview suit. don’t buy one until it makes me feel amazing and beautiful and like i can take over the world when i’m in it.

14. go to the doctor. it’s been too long.

15. be vigilant about visiting teaching. pray to have the fire to do it.

16. feed the missionaries once a month–even if it is inconvenient and even if they are a little bit lame.

17. eat vegetables or fruit at least twice a day. in general, make them much more a part of my diet.

18. write in my journal once a month. the blog’s not the same thing.

19. flirt. shamelessly. at every opportunity.

20. read anna karenina. finally. this time for real.

21. experiment with a recipe to make it healthier–maybe the muffin recipe. try a new recipe out of my cookbook.

22. apply for jobs. a lot of jobs. be organized about it. be on top of it. and be FEARLESS.

23. be a better friend. just in general. to most of my friends.

24. keep paying off the credit card at the end of every month. PAY DOWN THE DEBT.

25. reread the book of mormon. three pages a day will get it done. keep a study journal. be serious about study, not just reading.

26. be an amazing gator football fan. watch as many games as i can. go to as many as i can.

27. have an awesome and outrageous halloween costume. it’s my last one here. make it count.

28. buy and wear cute shoes that don’t kill my feet.

29. invest in cute jewelry. and quality makeup. and yummy lipgloss. and more music (or find more people willing to make me mixes…).

30. keep learning to live within my means. there’s a way to do it all. and if there’s not…choose wisely.

so that’s that. comment if you wish, especially if you have ideas for how to accomplish any of these. but if you want to yell at me because you think i’m crazy, could you…not?

kthanksbye.

can i have the treadmill in the corner?

Posted in mirror mirror on the wall, you have to be a chick to understand, you want me to walk HOW far? on April 15, 2008 by drbolte

what is it about the gym that just brings out every insecurity i have?

i made it back yesterday, after about a week and half off during what can only be described as my “i’m melting down because of stress, and if i have to walk on a treadmill for hours at a time i will most certainly lose the will to live” period.

yay for me, i guess.

but something was different. i was rather looking forward to the experience–going by myself, having time to think, doing something that i really didn’t want to do in the “whoo i love to pour down sweat” masochistic sense but in the “i will conquer this challenge or die trying” inherent stubbornness that can be my trademark.

the experience didn’t match my expectations.

for some reason, it was packed.

(what is it about a gorgeous monday in florida that equals everyone at the gym?)

i wasn’t particularly surprised about that, but i was a bit surprised by how nervous it made me. i felt exposed and stared at for some reason–i couldn’t find my headphones, so i was just on the treadmill with no real distraction other than CMT with captions on a TV that was too far away to really see.  i know, i know. it’s not as if the world revolves around me.

(although it really should.  i AM adorable. and SMART.  have i mentioned the SMART?)

and who can really think when there is the drone–and i do mean mind-numbing drone–of hundreds of machines going? i mean really?

i didn’t think much of anything except “must.get.out.of.here.NOW.” and “how fast can i actually go before dying so that i will have to be here less time?” (the answer? 3.7–and that’s walking, because walking is what i’m training for. i was pretty impressed.  don’t burst my bubble if that’s pathetic, okay?) and “thank you, tiny blonde one, for being as sweaty as i must also be.”

i stuck around.

that’s really all i can say.

i finished the dang three miles.

and, you know? some days, when you’re feeling gross and sweaty and not cute at all and the size of the goodyear blimp on a treadmill in a room full of people who don’t really seem like they could be remotely described as any of those things and you think they’re staring at you thinking exactly that even though that’s completely and totally irrational and you don’t really want to be there at all but you like your heart better than you like your pride and you really just want to cower and run if it’s possible to both cower and run at the same time and nothing really seems like it’s working the way you imagined it?

some days…sticking with it is all you can do.

the mondays.

Posted in drama drama drama, etcetera, faith is action, grrrrr., Life, my amazing mother, you want me to walk HOW far? on March 31, 2008 by drbolte

got up at 7 to work out.

didn’t get through my entire three miles because 1) i accidentally pulled out the emergency cord thing that stops the treadmill and it deleted my workout stats and 2) i was more concerned about getting ANOTHER parking ticket as it headed towards 8 than i was walking the last quarter of a mile.

lesson? BE there at 7, don’t just leave the house at 7.

came home afterwards, ate a poptart, and fell into bed again.

didn’t wake up for LIKE THREE AND A HALF HOURS.

sigh. so much for getting work done, since it’s 1:53 and i’m just now starting, if by starting you mean blogging in frustration instead of actually getting stuff done.

lesson? don’t go back to sleep. alarms don’t work. and getting five hours of sleep doesn’t get it done, apparently.

sigh.

welcome to monday.

UPDATE:

and monday continues…for everyone, it seems.

mom has to have more surgery. apparently those margins we thought were clean weren’t quite so clean after all. more details after tomorrow’s pow-wow with the surgeon, but it looks like, if we can make it happen, friday will be another surgery day.

i grow weary of surgeries. i can’t imagine how mom feels.

plus, this junk is just scary.

plus, i am worried about my car and money because gas is insane and life in general like how the heck am i going to get everything done?  how will i manage when i have to keep getting someone to cover my shifts at work?  i mean, at some point, isn’t my boss going to be like “uhm, you actually have to WORK here”?

i just worry.

lesson?  have more faith.  and invent teleportation.

someone i saw on saturday and hugged has strep.

i cannot explain how worrisome this is to me.

i feel good. i feel fine.  i cannot be sick.

my most fervent prayer is that i will be healthy, because i can be of no use to anyone if i am not.  i guess i’ll be hitting the bed early and the vitamins completely.

lesson? i can stress out about EVERYTHING right now. and i’m scared.  just in general.

i just want to cry.  maybe i will for a little while, just to get it out.

and then i’ll move on, i guess, and try to be as productive as possible so that when friday comes, if i’m on the road at 5 a.m. to go to NC just to turn around and come back on monday, i’ll be ready.

because that’s what we do, right?

(when does it end?   i’m pretty sure the answer to that is when life does.  because life is like this sometimes. and we get through it.  that’s the most comforting thing i can think of right now.)