testimony

so i bore my testimony again today in church. i think i’ve really done that more in this ward than in any other ward.  i don’t know why.  it’s not that i particularly feel better or more at home in this ward than in any other ward that i’ve been in.  i love my ward, but i’ve loved every ward that i have been in for long periods of time.

i think it’s me.  I’M different.  i don’t know if i would say that my testimony has grown dramatically–i still believe what i believed before–but i do think it’s permeated my life more intensely. i know things now that i only believed before.  i have had opportunities to grow in ways that i didn’t have in any other circumstance or place.  there’s confidence behind my assertions of testimony.  i guess that sort of explains it.

mom says that all of these epiphanies i’ve had lately–my philosophy on the tender mercies of second chances, for one, which i should probably write about at some point–are the result of wisdom.  i’ve never really thought of myself as wise, but i guess life experience does that.  you look around, and all of the sudden you know some stuff about life and how it works. you recognize the Lord’s hand in your life more clearly because it’s been there so much longer.  or maybe it’s just a result of not recognizing it enough, reaping the negative results, and actually learning my lesson.

i don’t know that anything i said today made any difference to anyone or even made sense–i never feel as articulate or as smart about things as the people who bear their testimonies before and after me–but i think it’s rather remarkable that the things i thought i knew just continue to grow and deepen.

i said today that in the course of learning to delight in the scriptures, i was answering questions and getting more of them at the same time. that’s really true. i find myself truly pondering things that i hadn’t really thought of deeply before, wanting to not only understand but to understand how i can apply it to my life.  today, while i was sitting in church, i realized that that thirst for knowledge and understanding–which really is manifesting itself in my life in a searching heart and a tendency towards pondering–is the reason for my feelings of great contentment, peace, and the perfect brightness of hope that i have been feeling over the past few weeks.

i feel motivated and peaceful and contented and eager to change. it’s an odd dichotomy, but one that i am really grateful for.

it’s strange to be able to see the changes in yourself.  i sort of like these kinds of changes.